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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
nolovelost · 13/12/2020 17:14

She's not childish. Grow up and piss off.

Nymeriastark1 · 13/12/2020 17:16

@flametrees

I think you sound completely over the top OP. You want precise details of how his time away from you went but think it's ok to not tell him where you were. You sound incredibly childish to me. Not a hope in hell i would put up with this type of behaviour.
I think the op's husband has just joined the thread. 👋
Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 17:16

I'm so glad I wrote about this on here. You're all amazing and even while some of you thought it could be nothing, you at least helped me to see that I'm not crazy and jealous. If not for this thread he might have got away with it with me thinking I'm just being irrational

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 13/12/2020 17:18

@LittleBangles

I agree to some people it must seem we are scaremongering but that is not the intention of the posters, many of us have been through exactly these scenarios, uterly blindsided because we never thought it was possible.
If many of us had had the knowledge of mumsnet it would have made our journey through the pain more understanderble instead of feeling isolated and second guessing all the time.

Of course we want the best possible outcome for op and hope he comes to his senses but to be forwarned is to be forarmed.

If he does turn out to be the biggest nacissistic git, we want the op to be in the best possible position going forward.

peboh · 13/12/2020 17:19

I truly am sorry op! It's completely understandable that you don't know what you want right now, you've been thrown a curveball that you weren't expecting, and he's continually adding more to it. Take whatever time you need. You don't need to rush into any decisions, you also don't need to explain yourself to anybody on here or your husband. You're allowed to be upset and angry.
I just wish there was more I could say to help make you feel better!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2020 17:19

@pizzaandcats

Oh and he gave me a bullsh*t excuse for the emails being gone. Apparently his work emails delete themselves unless he saves them on purpose. WTF????
Ugh at this point I would be more offended by him thinking I was stupid enough to fall for such bullshit than anything else!
Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 17:21

He finishes work in 10 minutes. His reaction since I went out earlier is throwing me. Waiting to see if he even bothers to come downstairs. I can't sort the conservatory on my own, we have some big furniture to move

OP posts:
isaidnogetoverit · 13/12/2020 17:22

Hi flames, you the pretty blond or the husband?!!

It's early days op, would it be possible to go and stay with family so you get your space to work through things without being lonely?

The unforced space may shock him into realising what the hell he's been playing at.

Either way. A hug and huge glass of gin for you.

BigFatLiar · 13/12/2020 17:23

[quote pizzaandcats]@isaidnogetoverit that's because I have no idea. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be in a marriage without trust. I don't want more details. I don't want no more details. I don't want him to talk to me right now or not to talk to me either. I don't want any of it Sad[/quote]
Understandable, but just delaying the necessary talk.

Often deleted emails will be in a deleted folder until purged.

Dinosaur19 · 13/12/2020 17:23

@flametrees

I think you sound completely over the top OP. You want precise details of how his time away from you went but think it's ok to not tell him where you were. You sound incredibly childish to me. Not a hope in hell i would put up with this type of behaviour.
We found the husband..
NotaCoolMum · 13/12/2020 17:28

@flametrees

I think you sound completely over the top OP. You want precise details of how his time away from you went but think it's ok to not tell him where you were. You sound incredibly childish to me. Not a hope in hell i would put up with this type of behaviour.
@flametrees- and you sound like a judgy patronising idiot.
Onthedunes · 13/12/2020 17:29

@flametrees

What a reasonable comment this is after all thats been said Confused

BeSureToDrinkYourOvaltine · 13/12/2020 17:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

HaggisBurger · 13/12/2020 17:59

Something happened in September didn't it. I’m really sorry. The fact that he mentioned it only being the two of them when you’d never have known it wasn’t 4 threw me a bit. But mentionitis and the desire to be able to have her present to him out seems to have landed him in the shit.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 13/12/2020 18:03

@pizzaandcats

Oh and he gave me a bullsh*t excuse for the emails being gone. Apparently his work emails delete themselves unless he saves them on purpose. WTF????
Yeah that's another lie to cover up. Also you said older emails were there abs recent ones deleted?

I bet he's spent today deleting Teams things too.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/12/2020 18:04

"They got each other gifts? They went for dinner just them? If it only ended up being the 2 of them would you not just cancel?"

Why should you cancel? If I'm going for a work lunch and there's only me and one other person I'm not allowed to have the lunch?

ShameMacGowan · 13/12/2020 18:09

Hi op . I really feel for you and know exactly what it's like trying to trust in a relationship after being cheated on in a past one, it's a brutal journey. My position here would be presumably your dh knows you went through this before? He knows the heartbreak and devestation you went through? If that's the case it would be unforgivable for me. That he'd willingly repeat the same behaviour, the deception, the gas lighting, the disrespect. It's not on and you deserve better. I would personally draw on the strength and knowledge you have that you are able to move on from these things, you're not going to die, you'll heal- and I'd ditch that fucker in time for Christmas.

Onthedunes · 13/12/2020 18:15

@pizzaandcats

I absolutely hate to be alone. I'm bored within 5 minutes usually and would never choose to live alone. I don't want him here and I don't want to be on my own either Sad
He knows this.

If you remain together this will set in stone future boundaries that he can bulldozer over.

ladymuck111 · 13/12/2020 18:17

I used to freak at the thought of being alone but do you know what? It's not that bad. Do what you want, when you want. Eat what you want, watch what you want. No explaining yourself to anyone. It's got to be better than living with someone wondering if they're up to no good, or constantly lying to you.

Onadifferentuniverse · 13/12/2020 18:27

Op I would honestly save yourself the upset. He’s crossed a line already and has already lied.

Don’t give him the satisfaction of the rest. Is there really a way forward now?

ThirstyGhost · 13/12/2020 18:34

@Gwenhwyfar

"They got each other gifts? They went for dinner just them? If it only ended up being the 2 of them would you not just cancel?"

Why should you cancel? If I'm going for a work lunch and there's only me and one other person I'm not allowed to have the lunch?

Dear Gwenhwyfar, when a thread is 24 pages long it is worth considering that it MIGHT HAVE MOVED ON SINCE PAGE 1.
MrsGrindah · 13/12/2020 18:51

@ThirstyGhost Grin

Straighttalking1 · 13/12/2020 19:04

I was hooked from the beginning, next, next, next, eager to find out what happened. I hoped each disclosure wouldn't end in the colour of her panties. Pizzaandcats, thank you for sharing too. A lesson for all to follow your instincts and communicate ! You've hopefully nipped something in the bud, all the best with him and TTC Wink

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 13/12/2020 19:04

@isaidnogetoverit

It doesn't sound like she wasn't supportive op. As you say, she knows you both well and won't want you to act rashly.

It appears to be typical caught out behaviour, ignore till you decide everything's fine and carry on as usual. You can bet your bottom dollar he's already told her what's happened, she will no doubt be sat at home panicking your going to contact her partner.

Op, you haven't said what you feel and want?

That's if there's anything going on. She may be quite unaware that OP's OH has been lying his arse off and could be sat thinking it's just a friendship, we don't know anything yet to say otherwise.
fairydust11 · 13/12/2020 19:08

Sorry to read the update op. 💐 Can you cancel/postpone the work in the conservatory so you can talk this evening?
Is he remorseful? From what you have said it doesn’t seem that way. It’s not a good idea to stay with someone because you don’t want to be alone. I know you don’t want to deal with this at the moment, but it needs addressing. I think it will be hard to make a decision either way until you know as much as you can & after talking it through, if your instinct is telling you there may be more or not