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Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 13/12/2020 16:33

Whats his end game?

Something doesn't add up, I'm not sure about the divulging of facts about the meal and pressies etc.

Remember he had absolutely no need to say anything other than he's on a works do.
Yes he may have mentionitis or trying to be vague to see how much he could get away with, or even trying to triangulate to make you jealous or do the 'pull your socks up' behaviour.

But, and I don't mean this applies this to him but many narcs will adopt this kind of behaviour when they are on their way to discarding someone.

He will not admit an affair but still place the blame firmly on you for being an unreasonable jealous cow, watch for comments like "youv'e always been jealous etc etc, generally bad points you never thought you had will spew from his mouth.

That way they can walk away still appearing to be the victim, sounds rediculous in the circumstances but it's how they work.

Maybe he's got one foot out of the door, time will tell.

I hope he's not doing this, but be wary of him, if there is no remorse or trying on his part he may be forcing you to throw him out.... then it's your fault in his eyes.

He could be still playing the game.
I'm very sorry this has happened to you and although you do not wish to investigate further, I think it would be in your best interests to do so as it sounds like he's the type to turn this arround on you.

Gaslight, smear and discard... watch out for this.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 13/12/2020 16:34

Christ op. The skipping through messages abs the drip drip drip of 'that's now everything'

Can you ask him to leave to give you space?

It's certainly an emotional affair, it's not clear as to anything else. Trust your instincts on this one, they haven't let you down this far.

And yes it is something you can leave a marriage over. He did this. It's all on him.

Thismustbelove · 13/12/2020 16:35

Once I got back he came to ask me where I was and I refused to tell him

I’m sorry to say OP his asking you where you went is not out of concern for you. He is trying to find out who you told.

doodles17 · 13/12/2020 16:37

This sounds like what I was going thru last year. Please feel free to private message me if you want to chat

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 16:37

My cousin just went through all of the possibilities with me of what could be happening. I think she wants to see it from both sides but also she wanted to help me have time to calm down rather than fuel the fire. As I'm writing this it sounds like she hasn't supported me at all but she really did and was lovely

OP posts:
Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 16:39

No he hasn't even tried to talk to me about it while I was out or since I got back. He has literally just been to see where I went and has been back upstairs since. I've been up and down to the loo (is a nervous bladder a thing?! Sorry if TMI) and he works with headphones on for calls so he either doesn't know I'm coming up or he isn't bothered.

OP posts:
neonjumper · 13/12/2020 16:41

He's trying to minimise the situation.

He really is not bothered and is trying to make out it's not that bad .

Time to tell him to pack a bag and give you space .

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 16:43

I absolutely hate to be alone. I'm bored within 5 minutes usually and would never choose to live alone. I don't want him here and I don't want to be on my own either Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 16:44

We are supposed to be clearing our conservatory out this evening. The work starts tomorrow. What. A. Mess.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 13/12/2020 16:47

@neonjumper

He's trying to minimise the situation.

He really is not bothered and is trying to make out it's not that bad .

Time to tell him to pack a bag and give you space .

That's probably exactly what he wants.. then he can pretend to be single for a while, whilst looking like the reasonable partner for giving her space.

Works everytime.
That will put her mind at rest. (not)

flametrees · 13/12/2020 16:54

I think you sound completely over the top OP. You want precise details of how his time away from you went but think it's ok to not tell him where you were.
You sound incredibly childish to me.
Not a hope in hell i would put up with this type of behaviour.

Noshowlomo · 13/12/2020 16:54

No further suggestions other than take all the support and time you can to work out what YOU want x

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 16:57

Sorry @flametrees next time I'll let him do all the lying and still let him know exactly where I am and what I'm doing.
He doesn't need to know, hes just worried about which of my family members knows he's been a lying dick

OP posts:
Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 16:59

@flametrees also, I didn't want to know exactly what happened at his meal UNTIL he started saying things that sounded untrue. I followed my instincts and I was right

OP posts:
BigBaublesGalore · 13/12/2020 17:01

@flametrees

I think you sound completely over the top OP. You want precise details of how his time away from you went but think it's ok to not tell him where you were. You sound incredibly childish to me. Not a hope in hell i would put up with this type of behaviour.
She's been more than mature in dealing with this... why should she give him any explanations of where she's been when he's been a total disrespectful cheating arsehole?
MizMoonshine · 13/12/2020 17:03

@flametrees

I think you sound completely over the top OP. You want precise details of how his time away from you went but think it's ok to not tell him where you were. You sound incredibly childish to me. Not a hope in hell i would put up with this type of behaviour.
Piss off :)
LittleBangles · 13/12/2020 17:03

Sorry for what is happening OP and for all the worry.

Just a sort of devil's advocate here, my OH has good friends who are women, although admittedly he sees them with their husbands as he knows them as couples and they are not colleagues. Also we have been TTC a long time and it takes a certain toll on the relationship, is stressful. I know people have bandied around the phrase emotional affair here (and for what its worse there is a lot of jumping to conclusions on here I feel), maybe he was just confiding in her and maybe she confided in him. I know its not ideal but that's not cheating is it?
Only way to find out is to talk honestly but only once you have both calmed down? I know people on here are being supportive but maybe they are also being quite quick to jump to conclusions?

AnyFucker · 13/12/2020 17:05

He's not admitted to anything more than hiding a meeting with a friend and telling lies - still not exactly divorcable is it?

You know he has lied and continues to do so. He knows you know. How is that not divorceable ?

A marriage partner is supposed to be someone you can trust, that has your back, that enhances your life. None of this is true for you, so what is the point ?

Skittlebug · 13/12/2020 17:05

Can always spot the cheaters in the comments

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 17:06

@littlebangles it will only go one of two ways if we talk it over again. 1. He'll tell me even more things that he'd withheld before 2. He will insist there's no more to it and I won't believe him. I'm not ready for either right now

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 13/12/2020 17:07

Stonewalling and silent treatment... on cue

isaidnogetoverit · 13/12/2020 17:09

It doesn't sound like she wasn't supportive op. As you say, she knows you both well and won't want you to act rashly.

It appears to be typical caught out behaviour, ignore till you decide everything's fine and carry on as usual. You can bet your bottom dollar he's already told her what's happened, she will no doubt be sat at home panicking your going to contact her partner.

Op, you haven't said what you feel and want?

Lordamighty · 13/12/2020 17:12

The problem is the deleted messages, if there was nothing to worry about they would still be there.

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 17:13

@isaidnogetoverit that's because I have no idea. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be in a marriage without trust. I don't want more details. I don't want no more details. I don't want him to talk to me right now or not to talk to me either. I don't want any of it Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 17:14

Oh and he gave me a bullsh*t excuse for the emails being gone. Apparently his work emails delete themselves unless he saves them on purpose. WTF????

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