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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
Yeahnahmum · 13/12/2020 15:38

Op you said "timing couldnt have been worse" as you were trying for a baby?

I think this is the best timing so you'd see him for who he truly is before comitting the rest of your life to him with a bebe.

He was gaslighting the shit out of you. AND LYING.and downplaying. And the fact that there were no exchanges anymore since september? Obviously deleted.

The fact he was having lunch with another colleague? Fine imo. But this wasnt that. This was way more. And you felt it in your gut. And even though he tried to gaslight you out of those feelings and you almost turned on yourself, he showed you his true colors..

Timeyo snoop. And snoop. And demand acces to emails/ snapchats/ cloud/ texts... you know the truth already but get proof so you cant talk yourself out of it. Do it for you op.

Very sorry this happened to you

MrsGrindah · 13/12/2020 15:40

@BlueJag Have you read the full thread? Did you drip feed info to your husband only when pressed? Did you buy your colleague several presents and not tell your husband? It’s not the same situation at all!

Jobsharenightmare · 13/12/2020 15:41

I've read the full thread OP and I have to say all the classic lines are there of someone who is inching his way into infidelity bit by bit. On this timeline it'll be next Christmas he gets her something truly meaningful as by then it will be going in earnest. He sounds like someone who can't bear the truth even to himself so is giving you what Chump Lady website calls pre affair trickle truth.

MizMoonshine · 13/12/2020 15:43

OP take it from someone who's been in your shoes. You cannot move forward until you have the whole truth. You need full disclosure. He needs to leave you alone with his phone, messages intact.
You can't move forward with a lie hanging over you.

Marmozet · 13/12/2020 15:44

Ultimately it's about trust. Can you trust him after this? If the answer is no then it's a case of whether or not you can stay with him.

Nymeriastark1 · 13/12/2020 15:46

I've been wide eyed reading how this has progressed. I'm angry for you op. What a pig. I think a previous poster was right about her scoping you out when you picked him up that one night. Being nice and friendly. Probably just getting a look to see what her competition is. How awful this all is for you. I wonder if she really does have a boyfriend, or if he's fabricated like half of your husbands story.

pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 15:48

I just can't believe I'm sat considering the future of my marriage. Two days ago I was marvelling at how amazingly good it is. How I finally trust someone and how we're doing so well (a degree each, fairly good jobs, married and now TTC). How could I be so stupid. How will I trust ANYONE after this?

OP posts:
BigBaublesGalore · 13/12/2020 15:50

@pizzaandcats

I just can't believe I'm sat considering the future of my marriage. Two days ago I was marvelling at how amazingly good it is. How I finally trust someone and how we're doing so well (a degree each, fairly good jobs, married and now TTC). How could I be so stupid. How will I trust ANYONE after this?
Unfortunately you see affairs all the time. It's so fucked up. You've been trusting and you sound like a wonderful woman and a great partner and he's taken advantage of that trust. His loss! You deserve far better!
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 15:50

@Nymeriastark1 she definitely has a boyfriend, I have look at her Facebook profile. She is stunning, slim, blonde, big eyes and nice smile. I have never been confident about my looks and even less so now as I have been putting on weight in lockdown. I'm so gutted

OP posts:
TechnoDino · 13/12/2020 15:51

Does he have an Iphone? Get him to show you his stored locations (location services) That will show you if he went to lunch or somewhere else (hotel, her house) with her.

BigBaublesGalore · 13/12/2020 15:51

[quote pizzaandcats]@Nymeriastark1 she definitely has a boyfriend, I have look at her Facebook profile. She is stunning, slim, blonde, big eyes and nice smile. I have never been confident about my looks and even less so now as I have been putting on weight in lockdown. I'm so gutted[/quote]
Relationships that are worth anything at all are not based on looks. You're dp is an idiot

Nymeriastark1 · 13/12/2020 15:52

[quote pizzaandcats]@Nymeriastark1 she definitely has a boyfriend, I have look at her Facebook profile. She is stunning, slim, blonde, big eyes and nice smile. I have never been confident about my looks and even less so now as I have been putting on weight in lockdown. I'm so gutted[/quote]
Sadsorry op.

pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 15:54

@technodino he has a Samsung but I just feel like we've gone past that stage now. I'm not asking him for any more evidence. I can't even bring myself to speak to him. I'm home now, he's upstairs working

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 13/12/2020 15:56

And you are NOT stupid. You should be able to trust your husband. You shouldn’t have to think twice about him meeting a colleague for lunch etc. This is completely down to him.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 13/12/2020 15:58

I understand why people are saying this is possibly not true due to the drip feed by the OP but we have to remember that this is what men are like when they are busted - 1. they try to minimise what they tell and 2. they overcompensate on trivial details .

Skittlebug · 13/12/2020 16:00

Has he contacted you since you've been out? Any grovelling? Worried you might leave for good? Actually can't believe the audacity of him, I could never.

Dinosaur19 · 13/12/2020 16:03

So sorry OP you must be devastated. Has he tried to talk to you since you’ve been home?

TechnoDino · 13/12/2020 16:05

So sorry OP. I’ve been where you are now, in the run up to christmas. Do what feels right for you, forget his wants and needs.

pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 16:07

He didn't contact me at all while I was gone. When I was going he asked where I was going so I told him I was "meeting a group of friends" (cheap shot I know)
Once I got back he came to ask me where I was and I refused to tell him. He will be able to guess though if he noticed I didn't take the car. There are a few of my family within walking distance

OP posts:
Newwayofthinking · 13/12/2020 16:07

Its so fucking stupid he has done this to you, for what, a pretty face.

He is a dick....

yetmorecrap · 13/12/2020 16:12

I suspect nothing has actually ‘happened’ here- except he found it an ego boost and probably has a crush - he knows it’s not all entirely innocent in his head— hence guilt, hence why he lied- believe me I’ve been there. Crap like thisthough hugely erodes trust and destabilises relationships, even if In a persons head it’s just ‘ a bit of fun/flirt’ and in my opinion it’s hard to quite see them in the same way again when our know they are capable of it. You naturally are then on the look out for other disloyal stuff.

pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 16:12

@2LittleSpeckledFrogs sorry I have read your message and tried to reply but I don't know if its gone through. I've never sent or received a private message on MN before

OP posts:
Boonlark · 13/12/2020 16:15

This is what one of my exes did. And by that time they'd already slept together. I thought he couldn't have time to, but he did it on a fake work night out. Well it was a real work night out, but only quick drinks and then they left and went to hers

yetmorecrap · 13/12/2020 16:16

I would say to him if it looks and smells like a date- that’s what it is to you and that he has upset you hugely and gauge his reaction ——-

isaidnogetoverit · 13/12/2020 16:19

Can I ask why you feel your past asking for more evidence or explanations?

Only you can decide what is acceptable and if you can move on and forgive. But remember, he has persistently gaslighted and lied to your face. While you were in the next room, he was organising sentimental presents and lunch with another woman.
Those are not the actions of a trust worthy spouse. What is he doing to make things right? Is he begging forgiveness? If not, does he care he got caught?

So glad you have people around you in real life op. You said your cousin knows him well, what does she feel you should do?

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