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Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
2LittleSpeckledFrogs · 13/12/2020 08:26

I don't think its a full blown affair. I would say emotional affair at most, bit of flirtation or start of something between them. But those gifts, combined with the gaslighting, 100% have meaning. Yes, he'd tell her "something" - it's easier to feel less guilty and also feel more likely to get away with it by mentioning going out somewhere then to lie completely and claim you weren't going out at all. But the fact is you weren't told the whole truth. You need to nip this in the bud now, OP, or I think you will have a problem on your hands.

Whydidimarryhim · 13/12/2020 08:28

What time did he go out and what time did he get back.
What about where they ate - who paid?
Have you asked for his phone?

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 08:33

@SandysMam too late for that but thanks... very creative. For those assuming this is fake, I wish.

OP posts:
Skittlebug · 13/12/2020 08:49

He might have mentioned it just for an excuse to talk about her, hear op say her name. Maybe he thought she wouldn't ask many questions, as he gave false innocent details. Maybe he was proud she'd got him a present and in a narcissistic way wanted op to see, wanted to show it off. Might not be a full blown affair but there seems to be romantic feelings involved.

ProfessorInkling · 13/12/2020 08:56

How are things this morning OP? Have you been able to talk to someone in real life who knows you both about it all? I’d be so hurt if my DP lied like this.

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 09:19

After all the drip feeding/lies/omissions he has finally told me today that he knew that I would feel worried about it and didn't tell me/downplayed because of that (still maintains he met with others first of all though). She does have a boyfriend and she lives with him. She's very slim, blonde and pretty.
DH has asked me what else he can do to help me feel better so he's just shown me his work schedule as he is going into the office this week while we have noisy work done on the house and I started to wonder if he was going in at all or if it was an excuse to be out of the house all day and he'd booked leave. He is definitely working and other than that I don't think he could be having a physical affair as he really doesn't go anywhere (apart from the meal of course). Basically just need to keep my wits about me in case of flirting/emotional affair I suppose

OP posts:
Candleabra · 13/12/2020 09:25

You know it's not up to you to keep your wits about you to stop your husband having an affair.

Skittlebug · 13/12/2020 09:29

Still putting the onus on you then.

frazzledasarock · 13/12/2020 09:40

You’re husbands wording is off. He’s so busy deflecting it makes him look like he’s hiding something.

Also if the lunch was with other colleagues, wouldn’t it have been odd your H and female pulling out the gifts for eachother whilst the other two looked on?

MizMoonshine · 13/12/2020 09:40

OP, he's still not offered you the messages between them. He's not shown you where the arrangements were made. He's keeping something from you.
He's showing you, this is what I'm doing going forward, not this is what I've already done.

MizMoonshine · 13/12/2020 09:44

Honestly I am pushing seeing the messages as I have been in your shoes. Innocent enough nothings made me feel uncomfortable. Then his reasoning didn't sit quite right. He seemed to cover all ground, but I didn't feel satisfied.
I asked to see the messages. I told him it would settle my feelings either way. He told me that it would be a line crossed that we couldn't come back from. He tried to make it seem as if he was open but put it on me to leave it. So I wouldn't feel like a crazy girlfriend.

It was all there in the messages.
I was prepared to be wrong and apologise but I was right.
Never ignore a feeling.

SandysMam · 13/12/2020 09:56

Sorry OP, I was out of order with that post. I think from the tone of your posts it seemed very much like you thought nothing of it. I think he is shady AF. Sorry you are going through this, I think you definitely need to see the messages between them. They will tell you everything you need to know. You are not being unreasonable to ask him.
Hope things work out for you, this might be a good wake up call for him if he doesn’t want to lose you.

Skittlebug · 13/12/2020 10:00

If you've never had cause to be suspicious of him before then how did he anticipate you would react in such a way? Because he knows his actions are wrong and would give cause for concern. I don't even understand the dynamic of organising buying one coworker (with a partner of many years) gifts, was it "I've got you a little something" so he had to get something in return? If it was like that then why not say "so and so says she's got me a gift for Christmas, what can I get her?" If it was innocent he could have saved himself a lot of hassle and you a lot of hurt feelings and not risk potentially jeopardising a long, loving relationship. At this point, I don't think he has any respect for your relationship or feelings. If it really was meaningless why not just fuck the present in the bin before he got home put the ordeal to bed. Is a coworker and her gifts really more important than his partner of years with whom he is ttc with? If I had unwittingly got myself into this situation I'd be doing my utmost to appease my worried partner, showing all the innocent messages, showing the messages from the other coworkers, showing where we had food. Why isn't he doing this? He's making a half-arsed bid at damage limitation, theres something afoot.

BigFatLiar · 13/12/2020 10:10

Something wrong with your relationship, either
He's up to something , or
He feels he has to tiptoe around you and is basically scared of you (not necessarily violence but possibly your reaction)
Neither is good.

HuggedTheRedwoods · 13/12/2020 10:18

@Skittlebug

Still putting the onus on you then.
This.

Pizzaandcats - to an outsider he sounds quite sneaky on the quiet. Please dont let him deflect his behaviour as being caused by your 'issues'. How you proceed is your call but do not let him make you think any of this sneaky carry-on is somehow down to you.

neonjumper · 13/12/2020 10:33

What can he do to make you feel better ?

Stop making out you are being unreasonable .

He lets you see the messages that led to this arrangement.

He lets you see other interaction between them .

He fully discloses the extent of his relationship with her : how often they've met before , lunches together at work , drinks after work , birthday presents he bought her ( he will have ) etc

Until he does this , he can't rebuild the trust ... that he has destroyed ( not you ... as he is gaslighting you into believing ).

Problem is , he's drip fed so much you will never get rid of that niggly feeling ... he has changed your relationship and you are now in a relationship with someone you don't recognise .

He has essentially spoilt the relationship.

nolovelost · 13/12/2020 10:33

Lots of red flags here. To me it sounds like more than liking each other as friends.
Even the first pressie before the drip feed sounded inappropriate. Bog standard pressie but with a bit more thought (few quality street chocs) AND the necklace. The lying about prices, secret santa, and I think he's lying about the meet up in regards to the other people there etc.

Def an emotional affair AT LEAST.

Make out that you're OK with it, and keep your eyes open. Watch him like a hawk.

Thismustbelove · 13/12/2020 10:56

I don’t know about this ‘watch him like a hawk! advice. It sounds exhausting. And he will get better at covering his tracks, he has already learned that if he had hidden the gift he received, his life would be a lot easier today.

He will use a second email address, change her name on his phone to John and the OP will wonder if something is going on and drive herself crazy looking for signs.

Imo the only way past this is full disclosure. Ask him, in front of her, to phone the two colleagues who he supposedly met to see if they picked up one of his bags on by mistake on Friday etc. If they don’t have a clue what he is talking about or if he flatly refuses to entertain the idea, she will know. And look at their message exchange. It’s up to HIM to salvage his marriage, not the OP to make herself sick with worry and doubt in a failed attempt not to appear suspicious.

EpochTime · 13/12/2020 10:56

OP, I was one of those posters who gave him the benefit of the doubt based on your description of his character and having taken what he said to you at face value.
After reading the updated thread I feel very concerned for you that he may be gaslighting you and you could potentially be in a relationship with a narcissist.
I think it is very important for you to try to establish if this is the case before your relationship with him develops further.
With regard to his recent explanation, it may seem reasonable at face value (i.e. that someone omits information because they don't want to cause any unwarranted trouble either for themselves or for their partner) but this is definitely not on nor does it make logical sense. As others have said, he is simply trying to make this about your 'issues' so as to deflect your attention and to make you feel bad and unjustified in questioning him.
The fact that this woman may have a BF and live with the guy is irrelevant. I have known a single woman to be having an affair with a married man and get married to someone else during a break in the affair, then resume the affair shortly thereafter.

Beefcurtains79 · 13/12/2020 11:01

Today 10:10 BigFatLiar
Something wrong with your relationship, either
He's up to something , or
He feels he has to tiptoe around you and is basically scared of you (not necessarily violence but possibly your reaction)
Neither is good.

BigFatLiar You are desperate to make this the Ops fault for some reason. Several posters on this thread have been just as guilty of gaslighting the OP as her partner, it’s disgusting.

2LittleSpeckledFrogs · 13/12/2020 11:02

I've just sent you a pm, Pizza

CarlyReyes · 13/12/2020 11:09

The raw materials sound very similar to the emotional affair I was involved in.

You need to see the texts/emails, OP.
If he has nothing to hide, he will have no issue showing you.

BethlehemIsInTier1 · 13/12/2020 11:15

@Whycantibetangy

Meh I just cant get upset about this. I wfh, met 4 colleagues in town with the intention of having some lunch but decided the ‘sitting outside under a patio heater’ type thing isnt really my thing so me and one of my colleagues left to do a bit more shopping and look at the lights, the other 2 went for grub.

He had brought with him some fancy harrods jam, not a Christmas pressie just a gift as he knows I like it and he had just been for a weekend.

Shock horror but men and women can be just friends, nothing more sinister than that.

Exactly, my sister is the only woman on her watch alongside 19 men, they all go out etc, and she is not shagging any of them, colleagues and friends.
MizMoonshine · 13/12/2020 11:18

^ RTT it's about the lies, not the lunch.

ProfessorInkling · 13/12/2020 11:18

I think you need to see their text/email exchanges. If he knew it was inappropriate - and it was - why did he do it? The gifts were over the top so why buy them? It started with deception. He has not told you everything, least of all about how he actually feels about this woman. She can have a boyfriend, it doesn't mean your husband is not infatuated with her.