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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
JurassicParkAha · 13/12/2020 11:18

I'm really sorry Op. I really thought it might have just been him being rubbish at communicating and a bit flaky.

But hearing your description of the thought put into the gifts. I mean THREE gifts is a bit extra anyway for a colleague he doesn't speak of that much to you. THREE thoughtful gifts he neglected to mention or discuss with you is just odd. And burdening you with this dynamic, to avoid his own discomfort is just selfish.

In this case I would ask to see messages. But be aware he may have deleted some so not sure how helpful this is, but worth a look. You can't live your life wondering what he's upto every time he goes to work or goes out. Or checking his phone etc. So if there's nothing shady in the messages, I would let this go and trust him. For your own sanity. But at the slightest lie/omission in the future, I'd be calling him out immediately.

Also make sure he understands that you consider an emotional affair cheating too. Ask if he discusses things with her he doesn't share with you, or feels she understands him better. A lot of people think that only discussing feelings for each other is an emotional affair. Or that an emotional affair isn't cheating. So make sure he understand what your boundaries are regarding this. That way no ambiguity or scope for hurting you in the future.

peboh · 13/12/2020 11:33

@MizMoonshine

^ RTT it's about the lies, not the lunch.
This. Nobody cares about the lunch, it's the drip feeding and lies that are occurring that are causing red flags.
Newwayofthinking · 13/12/2020 11:34

@neonjumper

What can he do to make you feel better ?

Stop making out you are being unreasonable .

He lets you see the messages that led to this arrangement.

He lets you see other interaction between them .

He fully discloses the extent of his relationship with her : how often they've met before , lunches together at work , drinks after work , birthday presents he bought her ( he will have ) etc

Until he does this , he can't rebuild the trust ... that he has destroyed ( not you ... as he is gaslighting you into believing ).

Problem is , he's drip fed so much you will never get rid of that niggly feeling ... he has changed your relationship and you are now in a relationship with someone you don't recognise .

He has essentially spoilt the relationship.

THIS
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 12:03

Thanks all, don't want to leave you without an update so here goes... lots more "honest and open conversation" this morning and reassurance that he'd never look elsewhere and that just isn't on his radar. He showed me his work emails and there are non since September but loads before that... (all work stuff with a bit of banter but its the clearly deleted ones that matter). He then showed me his Microsoft Teams messages but was very cagey and jumping through them quickly. He then decided suddenly that this won't help me and he hates that we've got to the point where I'm reading his messages. Very shortly after he slipped up and said they they'd arranged a meal between the two of them, not as a group didn't take long for him to then admit that there was no meet up with the other two people at all. Lost my shirt, screamed and shouted and told him I was going out "to meet with a group of friends". I'm now at my cousins house having spilled my guts to her (she knows us both very well) and she's making me some lunch while I chill out with my goddaughter.

OP posts:
pizzaandcats · 13/12/2020 12:05

That was an awful rushed lot of rubbish! I lost my SHIT not my shirt.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 13/12/2020 12:05

@Beefcurtains79

Today 10:10 BigFatLiar Something wrong with your relationship, either He's up to something , or He feels he has to tiptoe around you and is basically scared of you (not necessarily violence but possibly your reaction) Neither is good.

BigFatLiar You are desperate to make this the Ops fault for some reason. Several posters on this thread have been just as guilty of gaslighting the OP as her partner, it’s disgusting.

I think they're doomed.

It's not her fault.

If he's having an affair then game over.

If he's not, there's something wrong between them and he'd be better off leaving.

C0NNIE · 13/12/2020 12:05

BigFatLiar You are desperate to make this the Ops fault for some reason. Several posters on this thread have been just as guilty of gaslighting the OP as her partner, it’s disgusting

I agree.

DBML · 13/12/2020 12:06

Oh op. What a dick. Your instincts were spot on, you knew something was not right.

You deserve better than this.

BigFatLiar · 13/12/2020 12:06

Does not sound good

purplerainox · 13/12/2020 12:08

I think that confirms that they're having an emotional affair at the very least!

MizMoonshine · 13/12/2020 12:09

I'm sorry that it's come to this, OP. I'm glad you've dug a little deeper and are getting the truth though.

isaidnogetoverit · 13/12/2020 12:12

I wonder if her partner knows.....

peboh · 13/12/2020 12:12

Oh op. I'm so sorry it took all of this for him to remotely be honest. You deserve so much better!
I'm not sure what your next steps are, and I don't want to give advice that isn't wanted but use this time with your cousin, talk over what you want to do and hopefully things will work out for you whatever you decide!

Marmozet · 13/12/2020 12:12

I'm sorry. I think that pretty much confirms something is going on.

Beefcurtains79 · 13/12/2020 12:17

So he was completely lying about the other people all along and it was always going to be the 2 of them, a romantic walk looking at the Christmas lights, followed by a lunch and then exchanging of the gifts that they bought each other.
No no, an affair wasn’t on their radar at all.

I’m sorry OP, what a gaslighting lying bastard. She’s scum as well, do you know the other person that she came out with that night at the pub at all? I imagine they might be privy to whatever’s going on between them.

NotaCoolMum · 13/12/2020 12:18

@pizzaandcats offering you a handhold 💐

GingerBeverage · 13/12/2020 12:18

Haven't RTFT but just to say it's possible to recover double deleted emails from Outlook.

support.microsoft.com/en-us/office/restore-deleted-email-messages-in-outlook-com-cf06ab1b-ae0b-418c-a4d9-4e895f83ed50

C0NNIE · 13/12/2020 12:20

I’m sorry OP , it just gets worse and worse doesn’t it ?

The fact that he’s deleted all their messages since September shows when this thing started I guess.

Zlistceleb · 13/12/2020 12:21

God he's an utter idiot and waste of space. I bet she doesn't even have a partner, it's just another one of his lies. So sorry for you.

geillisduncan · 13/12/2020 12:22

What a nightmare. I've been checking in to see your updates. Wonder what he'll come out with next. Hopefully speaking to your cousin will help you work things through.

Pechanga · 13/12/2020 12:23

He lied....he knew what he was doing was wrong and he lied.

His feelings for her are wrong, he knows that.

You have big problems here OP.

missrks · 13/12/2020 12:23

Message her partner right now and get it nipped in the bud. Pair of arseholes.

litterbird · 13/12/2020 12:25

Oh OP this is really crap. So all that talk about meeting other people then not then eating outside was just BS. It really is incredible how our instincts work and you were right all along. He went out his way to book a table for 2 at a restaurant and bought thoughtful gifts for her. Looking at everything and what she bought your H it may just be one sided and he was 'hopeful' for something more or just a little ego boost to take a young female out and give her gifts. This really isn't acceptable. Not all is lost, he may have just acted really really stupid and he misread anything coming from her. He is a really stupid man and has put his primary relationship in jeopardy for a foolish girl. I hope you can take time out and re evaluate.

StarFriend · 13/12/2020 12:25

I'm very sorry OP. Things were setting off alarm bells last night, before this morning's update. Flowers

There are loads of posters on the relationship board who will be able to offer much better advice than me about how to move forward.

Glad you've got your cousin and god daughter today

Skittlebug · 13/12/2020 12:26

If she really does have a partner, I'd be having a word, only fair he knows too. So sorry you're going through this.