DH had lunch with another woman

[pizzaandcats]

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

The bit I find odd is him not talking about any of this in a matter of fact way. Like, Oh I need ideas for a gift for a colleague and was thinking of this, what do you think sort of way. Or even showing you when it arrived before he wrapped it. I suppose it depends on his normal behaviour, would he show you what he bought someone else, like his family if so then this is slightly worrying as it looks like he has something to hide. Why keep it a secret?

@howdoyouknow123 I imagine that you'd spend v little so that it isn't noticed on a bank statement (cheap but significant gifts). Who knows? Maybe the gift is actually the diary and necklace + time together somewhere.

@Zlistceleb when you say it like that, it does sound like a date. Maybe I'm being naive. Poor OP.

Yeah, that's not a thoughtless 'doctor's appointment on 05/03/2021' diary. That's a pretty thoughtful present, as is the necklace that w conveniently can't remember what he spent bullshit. £25 on a colleague is a lot!

Secret santa but she give him the present. Where has he put it if not opened yet? I would be having a sneaky peek see if it was a thoughtful gift or the usual gift you would get from s secret santa.

Oh dear. Definitely a crush at least, or the beginning of an emotional affair. The drip feeding, lying, minimising. I'd be furious if my DH did this.

[quote pizzaandcats]The necklace... I think its hideous

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01MRLCEJM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_LOt1FbVAV27X9?tag=mumsnetforu03-21[/quote]
I think I'm the only one who likes this necklace- I think it's really pretty!

just to say I feel really really sorry for you OP dealing with all this crap and I hope it turns out your OH is just being a deluded eejit like lots of men.However trust your gut ,its rarely wrong . wishing you the best xxx

Ugly necklace definitely has to be an inside joke. Years ago a BF and I would send eachother gifts that people outside looking in would think was cheap tat. They were inside jokes and each time we’d comeback across the gift we’d message eachother and laugh.

And the five year memory book is very personal imo.

I’d be incredibly upset if my DH did this. It’s the lying and drip feeding and back pedalling. It doesn’t sit right.

This is not a communication issue, it’s a lying issue

thosetalesofunexpected thats what i thought, too.
but i think MN doesnt like such comments.
there was too much drip feeding going on.

@thosetalesofunexpected Youv'e written the same post on another thread.

weirder and weirder 🤔

but i think MN doesnt like such comments.
there was too much drip feeding going on.

The drip feeding wasn't from op though. She was providing info as she got it. The drip feeding has become the very point of the suspicion.

Insecurities lol. I wonder how you got those.

You don't sound insecure, you sound realistic. If anything you need to be more suspicious, he is definitely not telling you the whole truth. He needs to start respecting you and treating you fairly. Sorry but you don't buy jewellery and chocolates for a female colleague and have one to one lunch with them. Almost sounds like a rubbish first date.

Have you asked him why he never bothered to mention the gift exchange in the first place?

I've work in mostly male dominated workplaces and I would be completely weirded out if a male colleague bought me personal things like that.

The gifts are probably inside jokes.
I don't know what more you can do about this. It comes down to accepting but keeping your eyes open. I doubt asking to see messages would matter as he's probably already deleted them all.

I'd definitely feel better after seeing the necklace op - it's gross. And as another user said, not something you'd give to impress, but a necklace none the less crossed the line.

Gosh, if a man has an affair then why would he even tell his wife about having 121 lunch with this colleague? There was literally nothing stopping him from telling her it was a boring team lunch and he got this stipud beer glass as a present. The end of it.
I think he is drip feeding because he was initially afraid of his wife overreaction and I can see why.
He bought her thoughtful presents.. So what? People are allowed to show they give a f*K about other people even if they are opposite sex and work with them.. It doesn't necessarily mean they want to get laid

I wouldn't like this one bit because of the omission of truths however I have spent that sort of money on colleagues, male and female for various occasions so I wouldn't look in to that detail too much, unless he's usually tight but you said he is thoughtful with gifts.

That’s completely inappropriate and cruel, @SandysMam. This is a painful, difficult time for OP, not an opportunity for some shitty, glib ‘creative writing’ project for you.

He doesn’t like your reaction? This alone to me is a red flag as well.

I’d ask him up front if you can look at his phone, if he doesn’t hesitate and he still has chats with her open id apologise and drop it.

If he’s hesitant, annoyed at you asking or has removed his chats that would be enough for me to say goodbye to it all.

Hope it works out op.

@SparklingLime you’re right actually, I got a bit carried away I have asked MNHQ to delete it, don’t want to upset the OP.