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Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
2LittleSpeckledFrogs · 12/12/2020 22:53

I agree re: the Okayest colleague....you only say that to someone as a tongue in cheek way of implying they are better than that. Or what's the point. Hideous or not, a necklace is too personal. A plain, formal diary would be OK but what design was it?

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 12/12/2020 22:58

I found the necklace in the first page, it was the first one on my search that wasn't one of the "you are my sunshine" ones

Diary www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0811870197/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_ARu1FbQR50RY3

OP posts:
MoanerLizzie · 12/12/2020 23:01

The repeated drip feed from your DH would have red flags waving all over the shop for me, regardless of any other factors.

"In the interest of full disclosure" at that juncture? I think I would have blown my top at that point.

I'd also be asking to see the lunch receipt and their messages.

It sounds like you're so worried about being seen to be the 'crazy wife' that you don't see that the way he's behaved so far make those perfectly reasonable things to ask. He's admitted himself that his behaviour's given you no choice but to ask to see the present receipts. The for receipt and messages are no different in my opinion.

I hope it's just a little crush he has that was pushing at a boundary and that this had put the fear of god into him.

I'm sorry you've been made to feel this way, either way. It's not your fault. Flowers

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 12/12/2020 23:03

[quote pizzaandcats]@BackForGood if he'd said to me, off for a meal with A and to exchange presents, I'd have said yeah okay have fun. But he didn't and came back and told me a lie about the present for no apparent reason.

I didn't ask but I'm assuming that he ate indoors and so has broken the covid rules. That's a different issue altogether and not my focus tonight[/quote]
If you are in England (?) which it sounds like you might be... it sounds like this was planned. They wouldn't have been able to have lunch in a bugger group, where as one M & one F, looking like a couple, they could easily have lunch together.

If it quacks like a duck...

VenusTiger · 12/12/2020 23:04

Have you read the reviews for the diary too?....a gift "on the thoughtful side". He put a lot of thought into this too.

jajabanks · 12/12/2020 23:04

To me they are thoughtful gifts, (,yes necklace is ugly but he's still thought about it for her) things he's spent time to think of, I'd be upset about this I have to say X

missrks · 12/12/2020 23:05

I started reading this like - oh for god saaake. Thinking absolutely nothing bad... he's a sneaky fucker though. I'd be suspect. Ask to see his phone, go through his messages.

Zlistceleb · 12/12/2020 23:09

How do you know that he even had lunch? He could've been in a hotel with her!

The point being that there is no way that you can now trust him. He's told lie after lie. There's so many things wrong with his actions. He sounds pretty dim and his actions are so hurtful.

momtoboys · 12/12/2020 23:10

Could the present be a gift for you and he is trying to hide it??

FlosCampi · 12/12/2020 23:12

I'm not trying to stir, but there's a difference between a "2021 diary " as he put it, and a "5 year memory book" as Amazon puts it!

DBML · 12/12/2020 23:18

Diary - £12
Necklace - £8
Chocolates - £5???

£25 on a colleague!

NotaCoolMum · 12/12/2020 23:18

@FlosCampi

I'm not trying to stir, but there's a difference between a "2021 diary " as he put it, and a "5 year memory book" as Amazon puts it!
100%
isaidnogetoverit · 12/12/2020 23:24

He seems aware he's crossed the line and hasn't gotten away with it. Is he panicking?

He has no doubt started damage control by deleting evidence from his phone and computer, but that should be evident when looking - no msgs or disjointed msgs showing some have been deleted.

BlueThistles · 12/12/2020 23:24

@Catmaiden

OP, if you are "feeling insecure" it is only because he has behaved in such a way to make you feel insecure! It's him, not you, who has caused all this upset. HIS actions. HIS lies. HIM having lunch and giving presents to a co worker, then lying and deceiving and gaslighting you about it.

All on HIM. Not you.

I agree Catmaiden Flowers
Cantpickausername5 · 12/12/2020 23:30

That's a hideous piece of jewellery, so hideous that there is no way I would give it as a gift to anyone seriously, unless it was a private joke between someone i was very emotionally envoled with.. Like a best friend or a boyfriend. Someone who would get it.

Onthedunes · 12/12/2020 23:32

Would he honestly like it if you did the same, bought thoughtful gifts and went out 1 on 1 for dinner with a male colleage.

Ask him.

And if he says no.... go out with a male colleage for dinner (one you fancy preferably) buy them thoughtful gifts and then drip feed the events back to him.

Then tell him Merry Christmas ! Smile

Onthedunes · 12/12/2020 23:35

@Cantpickausername5

That's a hideous piece of jewellery, so hideous that there is no way I would give it as a gift to anyone seriously, unless it was a private joke between someone i was very emotionally envoled with.. Like a best friend or a boyfriend. Someone who would get it.
I agree @Cantpickausername5
Onthedunes · 12/12/2020 23:37

The necklace is not just a cheap present

It has meaning.

howdoyouknow123 · 12/12/2020 23:49

Surely if you really fancy someone you'd spend more than £25 no?

This isn't screaming to me a full blown romance but it may be the start of an EA. He might have a little crush.

Is she single OP?

CarlyReyes · 12/12/2020 23:52

I wouldn’t read anything into the cost.

My ex affair partner bought me a birthday present once that everyone on here would think that’s just tatty and cheap and doesn’t mean anything. But it had something on it very personal to us - something only we would find cute or funny because it was one of our inside jokes.

DBML · 12/12/2020 23:55

When we’ve done presents in work it’s been £5 for secret Santa...or £10 for my close colleagues, who I’ve worked with for 20 years.
The idea of spending £25 on a colleague is extremely generous at best.

lunalulu · 13/12/2020 00:20

Why when you asked first did he say he just bought a 2021 diary?

This is OTT. A guy doesn't but a woman a thoughtful book, a necklace of her favourite flowers, and chocolates, and hide it from his wife, for nothing ...

AmIpg · 13/12/2020 00:23

@lunalulu

Why when you asked first did he say he just bought a 2021 diary?

This is OTT. A guy doesn't but a woman a thoughtful book, a necklace of her favourite flowers, and chocolates, and hide it from his wife, for nothing ...

100% this. I think they agreed to meet up just the two of them and see the lights/have lunch. I'd press on exactly where they ate, I don't believe it was a takeaway.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

SevenSnobsASniping · 13/12/2020 00:24

£25 on a colleague? Perhaps. But, considering that we've quickly gone from 'a 2021 diary' to 'a five year feelings journal, a necklace depicting her favourite flower and chocolates', you'd have to wonder what he'll admit to in his next dripfeed. He may confess that he's also got her pyjamas, light pyjamas, nothing special. Okay, 'full disclosure' sexy, red, crotchless lingerie and some massage oil.

Jenasaurus · 13/12/2020 00:26

@Onthedunes

Would he honestly like it if you did the same, bought thoughtful gifts and went out 1 on 1 for dinner with a male colleage.

Ask him.

And if he says no.... go out with a male colleage for dinner (one you fancy preferably) buy them thoughtful gifts and then drip feed the events back to him.

Then tell him Merry Christmas ! Smile

Yes I was thinking this.

What would your DH say if you went out to lunch with a male colleague and bought him a chain, a special book and his favourite chocolates but told him that you were meeting with several colleagues for a secret santa lunch.

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