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Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
fairydust11 · 12/12/2020 19:59

Has he offered to show you any messages between them to reassure your worries? If not, I’d ask him and see how he reacts. I’m not sure what else to add apart from thinking - bad communication doesn’t excuse lying. Why did he lie?

Rose87777 · 12/12/2020 20:02

This is literally giving me palpitations to read OP. Is she single and a similar age to you and dh? I’m sure I’ll go down in flames for this but I thinks it’s totally inappropriate for him to buy her a present full stop. I would be really upset if my DH did this ( but I also come from a history of being lied to gaslighted and cheated on by an Exbf) x

jajabanks · 12/12/2020 20:14

I think there's a difference in a secret Santa gift and then specifically picking something out for someone.
I certainly wouldn't be happy if my dh was buying another woman anything (no matter how small). However you know what you're comfortable with and hopefully it's just him being an idiot. Not sure if be too quick to forgive though.

MaHeidsGouping · 12/12/2020 20:15

If he was up to something I would very much doubt he would walk through the door carrying a gift from his mistress. A diary and a £8 necklace....if you said the necklace was £80 I'd be worried but I bet he's thought "oh she likes sunflowers" and bought the 1st thing Amazon suggested.

He is drip feeding probably because something very innocent has turned into a huge deal and now MN is egging it on to be some big affair.

pinkdragons · 12/12/2020 20:22

Just explained the scenario to my H. He thinks, as I do, this is nothing to do with your insecurities. Your DH had purposely omitted the truth. And lied. Of course you'd be feeling uneasy about this.
The whole thing is inappropriate at best. And EA / A / beginnings of an A at worst.

Onthedunes · 12/12/2020 20:22

By your last post it sounds like there has been some trauma bonding going on.

Op you do not have insecurities, he has lied and that does not create trust, neither are you imagining things.

You are correct in your thought processes, do not let him gaslight you.

In a few days you will be angry again, the problem has not gone away, it hasn't been dealt with, only to his standard.

Ask for full disclosure, ask to see his phone, everything, if he gets angry you know there is more.

I don't like him.

BigBaublesGalore · 12/12/2020 20:25

I have to be honest and say that if my partner had lunch with another woman, bought her gifts without my knowledge and then lied to me/dodged the truth about it there's no way in hell I would trust him and we would be over.

isaidnogetoverit · 12/12/2020 20:30

Op I feel for you. Finding out confusing and emotive things out at any time is crap, but at this time of year, during an epidemic makes it feel bigger.

Although he isn't big on communication or revealing all about his day, isn't it strange how he has drip fed the whole time or is the norm for him? He acknowledges that your upset but didn't feel the need to be upfront when you started asking questions?

Knowing someone's favourite flower, unless shes someone who plasters them all over her desk and where's the colour/flower all the time so everyone knows, seems at odds with how you have deceived him so far....

Did he mention her prior to lockdown and wfh? You seem surprised that he believes she is a close enough friend to only have bought her a gift not the other colleagues who were supposedly joining them?

It does sound like they have begun an emotional affair during wfh. He no doubt doesn't see his actions as an affair if they haven't had sex, but ask him if they have developed feelings for each other.

  • I have had to do the same....I called his bluff and told him I had contacted her for her opinion and copies of their msgs. I soon got a very panicked response!

If you trust him and feel that this is just his poor communication style, you know him best op. But make it clear that your uncomfortable with this 'friendship' and maybe start working in the same room.

CarlyReyes · 12/12/2020 20:36

What about the compatibility, OP in terms of physical attraction etc?
Is she attractive, younger? Is she likely to be interested in your fella in terms of looks?

The answer to these questions would make me feel more/less concerned

weightedpunch · 12/12/2020 20:37

I'd trust your gut on this one OP. He's gone from saying it's a 'Secret Santa', to saying it's just a diary he didn't put much into it, and is now saying it's a sunflower necklace which he did put thought into as she likes sunflowers.

To me it seems like he's testing the waters by revealing his lies slowly and gauging you reaction before telling you more of the truth.

C0NNIE · 12/12/2020 20:38

Gosh your husband has a really bad memory hasn’t he OP?

First it was a team lunch but then it was one to one.
Then it was ‘old work friends’ when in fact it was a current colleague.
Next it was a sit in meal and later it was a take away.
Forth it was a secret Santa and then it wasn’t.
Fifth it was a diary and then it was a diary and a necklace.
And six he forgot to mention any of this to you until you asked him.

So many things for one man to forget in a few hours.

Marmozet · 12/12/2020 20:41

Too many changes of story for it to be innocent.

greenspacesoverthere · 12/12/2020 20:42

Why so much worry about a lunch and a cheap present?

Because he lied, lied some more, changed his story, tried a bit of gaslighting, lied some more ....then lied again.

I don't know how your self respect is doing - but for me, I wouldn't put up with this shit.

BigBaublesGalore · 12/12/2020 20:50

@C0NNIE

Gosh your husband has a really bad memory hasn’t he OP?

First it was a team lunch but then it was one to one.
Then it was ‘old work friends’ when in fact it was a current colleague.
Next it was a sit in meal and later it was a take away.
Forth it was a secret Santa and then it wasn’t.
Fifth it was a diary and then it was a diary and a necklace.
And six he forgot to mention any of this to you until you asked him.

So many things for one man to forget in a few hours.

And don't forget the chocolates
Jenasaurus · 12/12/2020 20:57

I would ask to see the receipt for the meal, my thoughts are that he went to her home and ate there rather than sat outside in cold December weather in London with COVID and all that stuff. I think there are more layers to peel before you get to the truth, sorry op

Onthedunes · 12/12/2020 20:58

There are loads of those sunflower necklaces with hidden engraved messages inside, on Amazon.

There is one at £7.99

She engraved the cup, I think he may have bought something with engraving on.

waitinggame108 · 12/12/2020 21:00

@Onthedunes

By your last post it sounds like there has been some trauma bonding going on.

Op you do not have insecurities, he has lied and that does not create trust, neither are you imagining things.

You are correct in your thought processes, do not let him gaslight you.

In a few days you will be angry again, the problem has not gone away, it hasn't been dealt with, only to his standard.

Ask for full disclosure, ask to see his phone, everything, if he gets angry you know there is more.

I don't like him.

This 100% . Spring it on him so he can't go to the toilet and delete things.

Also search her name in the search bar on his phone, and in WhatsApp, so if he has mentioned her to other people it will come up.

If he kicks off or refuses then that says it all.

Don't let him gaslight you. He has lied and lied again.

TallTowerFan · 12/12/2020 21:12

I don't think you're being paranoid at all op.

If my husband sat out in the cold eating a solo lunch with another woman (after stating that it was a group meal) , then presented her with a feelings diary , chocolates , and a piece of jewellery that says "You are my sunshine" on it i'd be suspicious too. Add on all of the lying too.

Dig more op. You have every reason to.

Onthedunes · 12/12/2020 21:19

If you do get his phone check the frequently used emojis, unless he send you lots of lovey dovey emojis, even if he has wiped messages those will tell you a lot.

The necklace to me speaks volumes if it indicates any message of sunshine, ie: she is saying she is sweetness and light and you are a miserable so and so.

BlueCheckedTeatowel · 12/12/2020 21:22

dont photos of someones face open phones too? maybe try using a photo of DH

innercitysumo · 12/12/2020 21:22

Most of the sunflower necklaces on Amazon are those ones which open, they say "you are my sunshine" in the middle. Have you seen what the necklace looked like?

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 12/12/2020 21:25

There's too much to reply to here but just to clarify, we are not in London (not sure where that come from) and this is not a "you are my sunshine" necklace but is a necklace non the less

OP posts:
TallTowerFan · 12/12/2020 21:30

@pizzaandcats apologies op , I just assumed as that's what they sell lots of on Amazon for around that price.

I hope you get to the bottom of this , good luck.

BlueCheckedTeatowel · 12/12/2020 21:32

@pizzaandcats Flowers

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 12/12/2020 21:48

The necklace... I think its hideous

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01MRLCEJM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_LOt1FbVAV27X9

OP posts: