Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
ballsdeep · 12/12/2020 19:02

He slides to you, bought her jewelry and added bits on? Red flags everywhere. I'd be thinking of love actually and the Emma Thomas scene!!

Newbie1999 · 12/12/2020 19:03

I’ve changed my mind a little too - I’d want to be seeing the Amazon order and his phone. Hope it’s nothing and he’s just not been initially up front because he thinks you’d assume something was going on.

FilledSoda · 12/12/2020 19:05

I thought you were overreacting until we got to the necklace & chocolate.
Three presents Hmm

ballsdeep · 12/12/2020 19:05

This makes me feel sick op and makes me think of my ex partner. He too was doing things like this. Like he'd plan to go to the cinema with workmates and conveniently everyone else would drop out so it would be the two of them, or when he went to a Christmas winter wonderland with work feoends- later found out it was just her. I felt like, and he made me feel, like I was going crazy but I knew deep down something was there. And just like a pp said, she'd tried to kiss him on a night out, more like they were shagging in a hotel room for hours. I just bloody knew it and it still makes me angry to this day. He is carrying on in plain sight. Something will come up with this laster on.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/12/2020 19:07

At first I thought probably all just a coincidence, now it sounds dodgy, or at least like he is purposely trying to hide things from you, and only telling you when you keep pushing. I wonder what else he will admit to if you kept pushing.

MizMoonshine · 12/12/2020 19:08

I'm willing to bet actual money that he says she's been having a hard time and so he's treated her a bit more than he would have anyone else.

Makes her seem pathetic (less of a threat) and him a hero. He's either cheating or working towards it OP.

ShagMeRiggins · 12/12/2020 19:09

Tell him to water his garden. Possibly feed some plants. Deadhead when needed.

The neighbour’s grass is greener because it gets attention, the attention it deserves, the attention that makes it flourish.

SummerHouse · 12/12/2020 19:14

"the okayest colleague in the world" is bothering me too.

It's obviously not literal so what does it mean. In joke? He is more than the okayest?

ladymuck111 · 12/12/2020 19:22

@SummerHouse

"the okayest colleague in the world" is bothering me too.

It's obviously not literal so what does it mean. In joke? He is more than the okayest?

I read that as tongue in cheek and he's more than the okayest colleague in the world.
fibeee · 12/12/2020 19:23

I personally don’t see the harm in it. I work in a male dominated industry and pre-Covid often went for breakfast meetings, coffees, lunch or dinner and drinks with my male colleagues (sometimes only 2 of us as well).

If my husband had of reacted like this about it I would have been extremely pissed off.

If there was anything to it I doubt he would have told you it was just the 2 of them at lunch.

neonjumper · 12/12/2020 19:23

The whole meeting up to see the lights in itself is weird .
I've done this with family and kids with London lights ( but with Xmas shopping added on ) but never been asked by work colleagues to do this .

It's such a London early dating thing to do with my younger work colleagues ( with drinks after when the bards were open) .

Original poster
pizzaandcats · 12/12/2020 19:26

I've been on his amazon account, thats how I found out the necklace was dearer. He knows I went on it and has admitted that he really didn't give me much other choice. He is adamant that the two if them being alone was a matter if circumstance but that they way this has all played out, coupled with my insecurities has been all his fault. It's bad and I'm really upset about it but its all out there now. We have a lot of stuff to work on - communication for him in a big way and my insecurities too

OP posts:
BigBaublesGalore · 12/12/2020 19:29

Sounds like he wants to have an affair with her tbh

EKGEMS · 12/12/2020 19:40

So he went to lunch with her,exchanged presents of a necklace,chocolate and a diary but TOLD you it was a secret Santa with the office coworkers-then got defensive and irritable after reassuring you he would never cheat. Damn, look up chumplady.com he is following the script

Skittlebug · 12/12/2020 19:42

Just some perspective: no boyfriend has ever put as much thought into a gift for me as a necklace of my favourite flowers. He thought of that gift and then searched for it (I do pick wrong'uns tho). At the very least it's an emotional affair; they were probably physical on that day, explains the evasiveness of lunch. I wish you strength and luck in your future op.

purplerainox · 12/12/2020 19:43

Was the necklace one of them you are my sunshine ones?

Beefcurtains79 · 12/12/2020 19:44

Can he remember the conversation and who’s idea it was to exchange gifts in the first place yet? He’s definitely lying on that one, so why?

Skittlebug · 12/12/2020 19:44

How does he know her favourite flower? I don't even know my own favourite flower. I'm infuriated on your behalf.

AnyFucker · 12/12/2020 19:46

Op, does he know what your favourite flower is ?

Catmaiden · 12/12/2020 19:49

OP, if you are "feeling insecure" it is only because he has behaved in such a way to make you feel insecure!
It's him, not you, who has caused all this upset.
HIS actions. HIS lies. HIM having lunch and giving presents to a co worker, then lying and deceiving and gaslighting you about it.

All on HIM. Not you.

BigBaublesGalore · 12/12/2020 19:52

@AnyFucker

Op, does he know what your favourite flower is ?
This
Inaseagull · 12/12/2020 19:52

I don't believe the take away story either.

It was just a take away.
Well, we sat in and ate it.
Actually she booked it
It was a cosy table for two
I paid.

I'd want to see the receipt for that too.

vincettenoir · 12/12/2020 19:55

I also think the fact that he was honest about the fact was just the two of them, is a good sign. It doesn’t surprise me that the turnout was bad. I don’t think it’s suspicious that he brought and wrapped a diary without mentioning it, but I would be confused about how he ended up seeing the other colleagues if they couldn’t make the meal so can see why you think he was vague.

This would also give me pause for thought but I wouldn’t be jumping to the worst conclusion or anything.

innercitysumo · 12/12/2020 19:57

I think I'd be checking messages now. The necklace would have tipped me over the edge. I honestly think if my DH bought another woman a necklace I'd kneecap him Confused

zzizz · 12/12/2020 19:58

Yeah. That's not good. No wonder he's trying to comfort you. What a weird series of lies.