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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
peboh · 12/12/2020 17:03

@onlythepianoplayer

What the hell?? The OP's husband has bought a necklace for another woman and people are calling her paranoid? Way too many cool wives on here

Calling us "cool wives" doesn't make you look any more bonkers.

He's hardly hiding anything, he told OP all about all of it!

In dribs and drabs. 'It's just secret Santa honey' 'Oh it's just a gift exchange between me and her, not sure why I told you secret Santa hahahah silly me' 'I just bought her a diary honey' 'Oh hahaha totally forgot I also bought her a necklace that was £2-3, but that's everything' 'Oh I'm so sorry darling, the necklace was actually slightly more expensive than I said, and there possibly were chocolates too. Hahahah I'm honestly so silly for forgetting those bits, my bad'
Plastichearts · 12/12/2020 17:06

Hmm definitely not secret Santa style presents then.

BlueThistles · 12/12/2020 17:11

OP he's gaslighting you.. in dribs and drabs but it's bloody gaslighting by omission...

it might be innocent but he was deceitful in his execution of the whole thing.. had he been open and honest you likely would have said "enjoy lunch with co-worker".. instead it's now turned into this weird awkward situation all of his making...

I'm sorry for you because this has made you feel horrible and untrusting and all quite unnecessarily so...

he's a dick and I'd be telling him to grow the hell up and stop skulking around like he has something to hide.. just be flippin honest.

hope you feel better soon OP DaffodilDaffodil

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2020 17:11

Group lunch
Secret Santa
Actually 1-1 lunch
And I mean gifts for each other only
But just a diary
A feelings diary
And a necklace
Of her favourite flower that I know
But a cheap necklace
Well a bit more than I said
And chocolates

Ugh he's being a dick because if there's nothing bad going on he's making it look so shady that it's now going to be an issue regardless.

MizMoonshine · 12/12/2020 17:11

Oh God just look at the messages. He's not going to give you the full story.

Skittlebug · 12/12/2020 17:11

For me the first red flag would have been when she came out to greet me when picking DH. The fuck is she? Now he's met her for a solo lunch and bought her prezzies? Don't let DH or any other posters here gaslight you into believing you are crazy/abusive. You haven't searched his phone, amazon account or opened that present before he did, I would have done all those things. Damn, I'd have drop kicked that present into oblivion. Oh that glass gift was personal, a little inside joke "the okayest coworker.." when behind closed doors they're shagging. It's called hiding in plain sight. Feel for you op.

Skittlebug · 12/12/2020 17:17

Also he'd let you know if he ever fancied an affair? That's charitable of him, he's a keeper.

peboh · 12/12/2020 17:20

@Skittlebug

Also he'd let you know if he ever fancied an affair? That's charitable of him, he's a keeper.
Yes that. 'If i considered an affair you'd be the first to know' er bullshit, because then it's just be you leaving and not an affair.
flametrees · 12/12/2020 17:25

Does he want you to feel jealous?

geillisduncan · 12/12/2020 17:26

Just wondered what you're thinking now OP? How is he acting? You're heart must be sinking with each additional thing he tells you.

dollymoo · 12/12/2020 17:32

If he had arranged to meet a group
Would he not have texts proving this. I'm sorry I thing he's fooling you

litterbird · 12/12/2020 17:44

.........now chocolates too????? So, a personal feelings diary, a necklace of her favourite flowers and chocolates.....wonder what else he is going to drip feed you with next....I'd hate to think...

roarfeckingroarr · 12/12/2020 17:47

For me, lunch with a woman - colleague or otherwise = no problem. Lunch with a woman involving weird stories and gifts = nope.

dabbadabbadoooo · 12/12/2020 17:59

Ok after reading all of the thread I wasn't feeling suspicious but after what she has engraved in that glass either they are flirting and fancy each other . I would say it's the start of something

SummerHouse · 12/12/2020 17:59

I am quite gullible but this doesn't stack up. At best, he has strung you along with lots of half thruths and drip feeds and buying presents for another woman. At worst he is having an affair. Sorry op either way he has put you in a really shit position. How would you not doubt him. Remember that for when he is trying to turn this round to being your fault.

Ging7878 · 12/12/2020 18:00

So first it was a Secret Santa gift then it was just a gift of a diary and then it was also a cheap sunflower necklace and chocolates. I would be f##king raging! And then he has the cheek to say that he wants to know what things will be like going forward because of your reaction to this! What a complete arsehole. Sorry OP. He knows about your past relationship and obvious emotional scars that this left you with and he's treated you like this. Even if there is actually nothing going on other than friendship he knows how this friendship is likely to affect you. If he can't understand why this has upset you then that in my eyes is a major problem. Hope your ok. Ps hope that the necklace turns her neck green!

ladymuck111 · 12/12/2020 18:05

I've just RTFT and I'm not surprised to read that more gifts were given other than the diary. He had no other choice but to fess up because you kept questioning him. I bet he thought he could fob you off and all would be ok.

There might not be anything going on but if it doesn't feel right to you go with your gut.

FWIW. If it was me I'd be logging into Amazon, getting into his phone and checking.

ProfessorInkling · 12/12/2020 18:09

Oh OP. I started reading this thinking you were worrying about nothing - diary and beer/glass sounds like an appropriate exchange and if the other colleagues are flaky, well so be it... but he has lied to hide what actually happened and what he bought her.

Diary and necklace and chocolates... at best he has a crush.

ProfessorInkling · 12/12/2020 18:10

And yes I’d want to see that Amazon order regardless of what else is on it.

Neversleepingever · 12/12/2020 18:13

It all feels a bit 'love actually' where Alan Rickman's character buys that necklace for his colleague...

Sorry OP 😞

Nymeriastark1 · 12/12/2020 18:20

He doesn't like how you've reacted to his inappropriate behaviour. Hmm Which he also lied about.
A day by day feelings diary, a necklace of a favourite flower and chocolates. I just asked my DP what he would think of a colleague who bought me those things. He said he would think he wanted to start something with me or at the very least be after a shag. I also would not be happy with my dp buying such personal gifts for someone else. Not so much the chocolates but the necklace in particular....not good.

You said earlier you didn't think this was something you would need to get your ducks in a row for, but I think it's something you should be thinking about. Sorry op.

Thismustbelove · 12/12/2020 18:45

He’s getting defensive and turning it back as your issue to deflect. He was caught and he knows it.

If you are feeling insecure, he is feeding that insecurity with everything he says and does.

Can you see his phone and read their messages although by now it’s pretty much guaranteed that he has deleted them.

If a coworker bought me jewellery of any sort, I’d feel uncomfortable tbh. I would read it as he liked me a bit more than I liked him....
Was she with him when he bought it, when they were walking around looking at the the city lights?
I don’t believe anymore that there were any other colleagues there at all. This was always a pre arranged meeting between the two of them.

organisedmother · 12/12/2020 18:47

What the... I would ask him to sit down and ask him all the questions u want to know, I wouldn’t be able to sleep, if he knows your previous partner was a serial cheater then he won’t be surprised by the way you are acting.

octoberfarm · 12/12/2020 18:49

I was very much erring on the trust him side of things, because I think it's easy to get too wound up about things that the other way round would be meaningless, but with the earrings and chocolates coming in dribs and drabs, something feels odd. My gut feeling says that if he didn't think he was doing anything wrong, he'd have been up front about all of it, right away. It feels more now like you're eeking it out of him. Obviously it might just all be totally innocent, but I worry that he's hiding stuff because he's feeling something and he knows that isn't right. Hoping for the best for you, OP.

CornishTiger · 12/12/2020 18:51

Sorry OP. I have changed my mind.
Like a previous poster said hiding in plain sight.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he confesses she tried to kiss him on that night out. She was scoping you out definitely. It’s probably more emotional affair at this stage.

Set your boundaries firm and make your non negotiables clear.

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