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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH had lunch with another woman

999 replies

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 12/12/2020 15:34

As I said, I still think the diary is a personal gift too - it's not a work style diary, it's a personal feelings diary !!!

peboh · 12/12/2020 15:38

@Iwonder08

It is a very sad story to read. Why so much worry about a lunch and a cheap present? None of the things you described are suspicious or out of order? Why are you so jealous? Does he give you other reasons not to trust him? If not I would try to work on your own anxieties and insecurities..
Do you not find him dropping new information bizarre? Like he's trying to conceal things from her, but when she asks the right questions he then gives up more information. Personally if my husband bought a woman he worked with jewellery I'd be extremely annoyed with him.
neonjumper · 12/12/2020 15:41

So he's on a damage limitation spree now ?

The drip drip effect of information is worrying .

How much more is there going to be ? He's only offering up these crumbs because you are persisting.

Sorry OP but he's trying to divert your attention from something bigger .

Guiltypleasures001 · 12/12/2020 15:41

He's panicking, he's giving up bits of extra info as he's worried you are going to find out more anyway.

That necklace is way too personal, eating outside? In this weather wow they must be desperate. I smell a rat op sorry, and he's confronted you with a sweeping statement of when do we go from here?

Maybe he should be setting the future out for you

Jeysus · 12/12/2020 15:46

Honestly this doesn't sound suspicious. A bottle of beer and a bog standard coworker gift? Absolutely nothing thoughtful about it! And he bought a diary and a cheap sunflower necklace? Nothing is screaming affair etc here.
I think this is a classic case of mumsnet posters feeding a fear. I've been cheated on but I've also had jealous and suspicious partners. It sounds more to me like you are a fairly suspicious person and he knows that.

MadinMarch · 12/12/2020 15:51

It could be nothing or it could be something...
I'd ask to see the receipt for the necklace as the cost of it would be significant.
As we also mainly pay for things with our bank card these days when out and about, Id ask to see the payment for the takeaway, to check whether he's telling the truth about it.

onlythepianoplayer · 12/12/2020 15:52

Jesus OP, you're paranoid due to people around you having affairs, and MN is the worst place to bring it, they're all obsessed about cheating men and will give you the worst advice possible.

None of it sounds suspicious at all, ffs. If he was trying to hide having lunch with her, why would he come home and tell you straight away? I would have been far easier to just say there was 4 of them. He could have said the gift was from one of the others. He didn't'
The gifts they gave each other are generic and dull.

TBH I think you have more to apologise for than he does.

BigFatLiar · 12/12/2020 15:53

Sit down with him and ask if thats all. Then you can ask if he's not having an affair with her why is he so secretive about it all. Let him know you'd rather hear the truth.

If he's not having an affair then he appears to be afraid of you and your reactions. If they aren't having an affair then tell him he needs to run past you any gift ideas in future.

My husband has a friend (female) who he meets occasionally through the year and at Christmas to exchange cards/gifts. He's known her for years and I have no problems with her. I know what the gifts are (I wrapped them this year) same as last year mainly, they're both a bit predictable in that.

Having the friend isn't the problem its why he feels the need to conceal things.

DBML · 12/12/2020 16:06

I’d be wondering how many times he’s bought her her favourite flowers.

If he’d said ‘I’m off to me Mary and give her that diary I bought her. Don’t do lunch for me as were probably going to grab something’ I’d be no problem!’.

This...not so much.

purplerainox · 12/12/2020 16:19

So he's lied about something else aswell! The fact he brought her a necklace! When you look at sunflower necklaces they all have little sayings about my little sunshine. Nope.. now I definitely think there's something going on.! I know for a fact that none of the men I work with would buy me a piece of jewelry

purplerainox · 12/12/2020 16:20

Ask to see the necklace he brought. The actual order with a picture because that will tell you a lot

BackforGood · 12/12/2020 16:23

I hardly think that if something was going on he would rock up with a Christmas present from her, or be honest about the fact it ended up just the two of them

Exactly.

My alarm bells went off when you said she came up to meet you when they were all out drunk pre-lockdown. Was she checking you out to see what her competition looked like?

Oh, for goodness sake, you must have strange alarm bells. If I were out with a group of people, and someone's spouse turned up who didn't know people I would say hello and try and make them feel welcome. I'd do this because I am a normal person who would like people to feel welcome and comfortable, not because I fancy people left right and centre. Hmm

Well said JimandPam there are some MASSIVE leaps being made on this thread.

As a side note I have been tempted a few times to say sorry to him for feeling insecure but I haven't said it, I'm quite proud of that as I know I shouldn't apologise for my own feelings.

Wow. Just wow. Talk about double standards. He hasn't done anything wrong, yet, due to the fact he has realised you are insecure and have invented something where there is nothing, He has apologised for the fact you felt that way. Yet you are now boasting that you are proud that you aren't going to apologise to him for accusing him of having an affair he isn't having ???

Just wow. You need to have a good look at yourself and where you want this relationship to go. I totally agree with @gannett about where the issues are in this marriage, and it isn't with your dh.

onlythepianoplayer · 12/12/2020 16:23

bought

mcmooberry · 12/12/2020 16:32

I personally would have a bad feeling about this. I can't imagine my DH if he had to do a SS/buy a gift in this case for a female colleague that he wouldn't ask my advice about what to buy. Especially as you say that you are chatting all day WFH.

peboh · 12/12/2020 16:37

To those are saying he hadn't done anything wrong, would you be okay if your spouse lied to you? As that is what he has continually done, he may have eventually been honest but only because op kept asking the questions.

CornishTiger · 12/12/2020 16:44

If he was having an affair I doubt there would be gifts.

Plastichearts · 12/12/2020 16:46

You say the necklace was ‘cheap.’ Do you know how much?

Plastichearts · 12/12/2020 16:47

There may well not be anything going on but this is how affairs start.

RedRec · 12/12/2020 16:51

What the hell?? The OP's husband has bought a necklace for another woman and people are calling her paranoid? Way too many cool wives on here.

TwentyViginti · 12/12/2020 16:56

@Notrightbutok

Hmmm, so why didn't he mention the necklace before? That is a very thoughtful and personal gift.
Isn't it just?
pizzaandcats · 12/12/2020 16:56

He said he thought the necklace was £2-3, turns out it was £8. There were also chocolates given

OP posts:
onlythepianoplayer · 12/12/2020 16:58

What the hell?? The OP's husband has bought a necklace for another woman and people are calling her paranoid? Way too many cool wives on here

Calling us "cool wives" doesn't make you look any more bonkers.

He's hardly hiding anything, he told OP all about all of it!

peboh · 12/12/2020 17:01

@pizzaandcats

He said he thought the necklace was £2-3, turns out it was £8. There were also chocolates given
So the chocolates are another addition to his story then. Have you asked him why he keeps adding more every time you speak to him? Ask why he hasn't just being upfront.
TwentyViginti · 12/12/2020 17:03

He's hardly hiding anything, he told OP all about all of it!

In drip drip drip form......

Sneachta · 12/12/2020 17:03

Why on earth would a fully grown married man want to exchange cheap gifts with a female colleague? Its pathetic. I'm the same as beef curtains. Wouldn't even dawn on me to get my male happily married colleague a stupid present and bring it home wrapped up

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