SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Hi GUP
Know what you mean about the counselling - mine is £15 a time which I know is quite cheap but that's still £60 a month - still, if it keeps me sane and gets me over the next few weeks it has to be worth it.

the doctor doesn't sound brilliant but in all honesty what can he/she say to DH that you haven't already said? It might be a good thing to keep a diary for another month - have you got the strength to end it if he lapses again? would you want to?

I'm going to try Aloanon for some (cheaper) support but I wonder if I would be better to pay a babysitter and go out with friends for the night - is there a meeting in your area you could go to?

God this is hard isn't it - after all this time I have just had a sensible pleasesant email from ex suggesting he see the dcs and I am so happy just to hear from him.

Would think that what the GP has said is pretty much par for the course. NHS support services for alcoholism can be patchy; it is very much dependent on where you live.

Have any of you tried the BACP, they're the British Association for counselling and pyschotherapy. They have counsellors all over the UK. Al-anon are yet another route.

Zookeeper - I hope your ex does not let you down re the children as they do not need such disappointment in their lives. You need a firm arrangement in a neutral setting. Him writing to you is one thing, actually putting those words into practice is quite another entirely. I am wondering if his selfishness will again rear its ugly head.

oh dear right again Attila

I did try the BACP but they are very expensive too (would be cheaper if I was on benefits!) Also I know one of the counsellors there and I wouldn't want her to know about all this - she's on the assessment panel so would inevitably find out.
We're still on the waiting list for relate so when the appointment comes through I'll stick with that and maybe carry on by myself after dp and I have done our bit!
Those of you going to Al anon - do your partners know you go, and what do they think of it. I think dp would complain about me talking about him to strangers. (He'd go mad if he knew what I said on here!)

It is like living with a madman, and I think it turns me crazy too.

Feel free to ignore this, I just want to get it all off m chest. Sorry in advance.

He was supposed to put £150 in m account yesterday, but didn't, told me he'd paid a friend to do some work for him, then that actually he had to pay off a drug debt, and needed £100 more, they were hassling him as he hadn't been buying recently, he wanted to clear debt so he didn't have to be in contact with them anymore, put it all behind him etc etc.... probably all a load of rubbish as usual.

Gave him the money, then he came home, went straight upstairs to watch porn, couple hours later and locked himself in...typical behaviour for him when he has taken drugs. He woke me up at 1.30am, wanting me to go in the other room with him - I said no. So he said he would come in with me then, I said no. I went downstairs - he followed, went back up, he comes in my room (sharing with dd) and refuses to leave. I think I have a right to say he shouldn't be in there with me, but he just would not leave, said normal people share a room.... was paranoid someone was downstairs (despite fact we'd both been down there minutes before with lights on in every room)... I walked out of the room for a moment, and he starts barricading himself in with dd, who has woken up and is calling for me. I got back in the room, and went a bit mad, flying at him, sort of scratching at him like some loony, then took dd downstairs to sleep.

All the time he is telling me I am unreasonable, I should let him sleep in with me.. but even if he hadn't taken drugs (he is of course denying it) I have a right to sleep alone, to ask him to leave the room, don't I?

The only good thing is that it certainly makes me sure he has to go, that I cannot believe any moments when he is normal, because this stuff is just absolutely crazy. And totally inapproriate for a child to grow up with.

Anyway - sorry for rant. He wants me to call him now, wants to know how we got into "that silliness" last night.

Hope everyone else ok

Princesshobnob that's sounds awful - I hope you are Ok. You should print off your post as a reminder to you to keep your resolve in the future.

I'm at work so can't dwell but ((((hugs))) to you.

Sorry for typing, my y wasn't working and I missed some of them when i went back to thump them in.

I'm ok, it already seems a bit like a distant nightmare, probably because it's not the first occasion like it. It's worse if I stand my ground, which is why i used to go along with it.

Got to go, talk later maybe

Princess Hobnob

Shocking behaviour from him, he needs to leave asap by legal means if necessary. You need to get him out of your lives. This is no life for you and your daughter to witness.

Do not give him any more money. Doing that enables him further.

Princess that is terrible. To scare your dd like that in the middle of the night is shocking.
Of course you have a right not to sleep with him, drugs or no drugs, and he has absolutely no right to treat you like this.
I think you know that its the end of the road don't you?
Agree with Attilla - don't give him any more money. Why should you pay for his habit.

Princess - I do family law - if you want to CAT me to find out if and how you can get him out please do - I won't be able to reply until weekend though Hope you are ok.

princess. am so sorry for you and your daughter. however battred you feel, you are right and you do not have to sleep wiht him, your respnses are normal His behaviour is not.

this cant go on, you know that.... but I so understand the frozen moment when you dont know whether you are strong enough to make him go this time.....

please dont give him any more money, you know where it will go.

have you seen a solicitor ? have you called the police - you can have him removed by force if necessary.....

Poor you. Have a big hug ((((((((((Princesshobnob)))))))))

How are we all today? Princess how are you?

Good morning all - ive just been catching up with your posts. i have awful flu and am off work sick and feeling very sorry for myself!!!

princess - stoned or not his behaviour is inexcusable. you have every right to say you dont want to sleep in the same bed as him. i hope your dd is ok after it all. i agree that this has to be the final straw - he has to go. i dont think he has any respect for your feelings - how many times has he said its all you being stupid? the porn thing doesnt sit right with me either - maybe i am a prude but that just seems so disrespectful to you and what happens if your dd walks in on him watching this?

call up a solicitor and ask for a free half hour interview - they will work out whether you will qualify for legal help/public funding. alot of people quailify as they can deduct the costs of yor mortgage/rent, the tax you pay etc when they are calculating your means. they can write to him asking that he leave by such a day and if he refuses can apply to the court for an occupation order (to get him out and stay out. i fhe reacts badly to this call 999!!!

zookeeper - think we have the same job! ironic to advise others all day when you are secretly thinking - god my life's in more of a mess than this!!! hope you are doing better.

gup - i am sorry the gp didnt help more. i dont really know what to advise as maybe our gp was more hands on because the problems became so bad so quickly. after first app he stopped drinking completely - this was very dangerous/stupid of him - he went into withdrawl and had fits - i guess thats how we ended up going down the hospital detox route so many times.

he did see a counselor who advocated the diary thing but to be honest i cant say i saw the sense in it - when he drinks he cant stop and isnt in any state to fill out a diary!!

with my dh they have not advocated controlled drinking - which i cant see the sense in. i agree that the only thing to help him is complete abstinence. whenver he has drank again they have given him the meds to see him through the withdrawals without the fits etc. no whe is sober he also has been put on anti depressants and the anti craving meds. so far so good!

lst - hows things. are you having an easier week or been stressed out?

secretsquirrel - how have you been?

off to lie on sofa and feel sorry for myself some more!! have to say dh has been very helpful with ds whilst not been well - i hope this lasts i dont want to go back to square one again! xxxxxxxxxx

Sorry you are feeling crappy Mickeylou. Flu is horrible.

Dp is really trying to be good, I can see him struggling sometimes but he hasn't given in to it (yet!). He is determined to do exactly what the doctor tells him so I am keeping my opinions to myself for fear of making him give up altogether. The way I see it all the time he is in contact with the doctor, there is hope.

Sorry you are feeling crappy Mickeylou. Flu is horrible.

Dp is really trying to be good, I can see him struggling sometimes but he hasn't given in to it (yet!). He is determined to do exactly what the doctor tells him so I am keeping my opinions to myself for fear of making him give up altogether. The way I see it all the time he is in contact with the doctor, there is hope.

Why did I do that? Sorry

Hello everyone.

Sorry you're feeling ill Mickeylou, flu's horrible to have. I hope you're taking good care of yourself, rest, water and paracetamol!

Thank you everyone for your support, and confirming that I am right to be so upset / angry at him.

He's still talking of plans for the future involving us being together / living together / buying house together etc. It makes it hard, because whatever I say he acts like I haven't said anything.

Mickeylou - re the pron, luckily he watches that when barricaded into his room, so dd won't come across it, because I absolutely agree that's unacceptable. My personal attitude towards it for adults, is it's ok in moderation if both people are happy with it - he does not have a healthy relationship with it, but that seems to be partly an intimacy issue for him - he has more problem enjoying sex it seems with someone who matters. Also I believe cocaine is known for its enhancing affect upon the libido.

Gup, thanks for the legal advice, I'll see how I get on with getting him to accept he has to leave, and take it from there. I think it's even weirder that many addicts are professionals, and some of them are helping or advising other people who have these problems, while they keep on doing it themselves.

Hi everyone, not been able to access MN @ work and DH at my ear @ home so no peace to 'talk' - I've really missed you all !!

I can't believe what has been happening to you all.

ML, I hope you are feeling a bit better from the 'flu (get well hugs!)

PHN, what an appalling situation to have to deal with - the repercussions on your DD is only to be imagined, and yes, I agree with everyone else that he has crossed the boundary there....I know that must sound 'weird' coming from me when some would say that my DH's behaviour is as bad. But as yet it is not, and, as I've already posted, should he ever do anything that poses a threat/danger, then I have a plan A & B in place to deal with that.

I guess that half the problem we all have when that boundary is crossed is not having an A or B plan in place when it happens. I guess it is that 'rabbit in the headlights' reaction that makes us put up with more and more unacceptable behaviour. I haven't got there yet with really serious shit, but I have protection in place if ever it does.

GUP - my DH knows I go to Al Anon. I've been going for nearly a year and I can't speak highly enough about it.

I'm very lucky in having a sponsor who has been going for > 30 yrs. Her husband found sobriety 33 yrs ago (and went to AA before she went to Al Anon!).

My behaviour has changed as a result of Al Anon and because I have learned to detach with love, I am able to get on with my life, and that of our daughter.

Whenever DH starts up, I just say 'I'm sorry you are having such a bad day, but I do love you' then extracate myself. I have crap days, of course I do. I'm only human too

It is very easy to put all of the blame on the drinker - yes, the behaviour is appalling and most of my friends, though well meaning, have absolutely no comprehension of what we are going through. But there is a hell of a lot that we can also learn from our own behaviour - uncomfortable though that may be. Working through the 12 steps of Al Anon is as challenging for us as for the alcoholic.

I have to go now, so until tomorrow. Keep going, everyone. Hang in there. It Will get better (just wish I knew when - Ha!)

princesshobnob - i just wanted to say that although we are all telling to kick him out - we all know its far far easier said than done.

the first time i did he was in the hospital for 2 weeks and i said he couldnt come home. saying that to him absolutely killed me though, having watched him on icu and listened to him saying how sorry he was but we were both better off without him and how killing himself was the only way out of the drinking.

the second time he was drunk; he was insulting me, telling me it was all my fault and when he walked out the back door to have a cigarette i turned the key in the door. next thing i knew there was no glass in the back door and he was bleeding. i called my dad so he ran off. i will always remember that all he could say was why did you lock me out? like it was all my fault and not that he was so smashed and angry that he had just put his fist through a plate glass window!

i guess what i am trying to say is - its bloody hard to make the decision to say its over. it took a suicide attempt and a smashed window for me to do it and lets face it i'm on the verge of giving him another go!

i think you are being very brave xxxxxxxxx

hi secretsquirrel - when i read your posts i remember what its like to live with someone whose drinking both their health and their sanity away. you handle it so well - to be honest i always managed to provoke him more when he was drunk and couldnt walk away from the insults.

a doctor in A&E told my dh he would be dead by thirty if he kept on drinking - he got bloods back this week that show normal liver function. how is your dh's health - does he drink everyday?

hi guys

ml hope you are feeling better from the flu, feeling physically ill is the pits when you have so much to cope with

I think for everyone what they can cope with is different and depends on the situation , and experience

for me knowing my h had crossed the line between being a dope head and hitting his kids had a huge impact on me because i was at work, whilst he was at home. Had I been there all the time I might not have reacted so strongly.

GUP - i expect the GP is trying to get a bigger picture I think contacting him/her yourself and explaining what is really going on can only be helpful... he/she cannot discuss his care with you but should listen to what you have to say . If they do not then you need a different GP..... ( I am a GP! ) but remember that the GP can only OFFER help and support - often the user needs to be very very low to accept that they need the help. Not saying that your dp is NOT there, just that he nay not be admitting how bad he feels to your GP

ss I am so impressed with your 'detach with love' thing - ow much responsibility do you make him take? and do you really still love him ?? I find that I think my love is gone, battered out of me and I feel shallow compared to you strong wonderful women who can STILL love your partners when they are behaving so BADLY.

I find it really interesting that so many of us are professional women - is it that we /they have had enough disposable income to use on drink/drugs ??

I feel that I cant forgive the complete lack of respect for me and the kids. when I married him I really really took it seriously - I knew that I had everything I had always wanted- a family.
So I did nothing to seriously jeopardise that...you know - like having a coffee with some bloke you kind of fancy - I never ever did anything that could have put our marriage at risk because I valued it, him and our family. But he stole, lied, took drugs, humiliated me, hit and bullied our children;He ignored me when I begged him to go back to work, he told me to f*ck off when I tried to explain how negative his drug taking was.........but now - clean for 8 weeks ....... he is expecting that I will, what 'forgive him '?? pretend I still feel the same ????

trouble is I feel so completely pathetic and batterred and weak that I just might have him back because I don't have the courage to tell him to fuck off???? and what kind of a disaster will that be

morning eveyone - thanks for the get well posts! i dont work fridays - hooray - so will have another lazy day today.

LST - what you say really strikes a chord with me - does it all feel worse because we were so happy with our lives and family before these addictions took hold and ruined it all.

about a year ago a couple of our friends got divorced (in fact they got me to do the paperwork) and i remember thinking that it would never happen to us. i seriously thought i had the perfect marriage/family. like you say - i would have never done anything to jeopardise what we had.

i dont think you will or should take him back LST - its just not what you want. the kids may enjoy him coming home at first but if in turn it makes you miserable that wont last.

i was just wondering - does his plan for coming home and playing happy families include him getting work. no wonder the love you had has taken a beating if it was all your energy, training and day to day hard work buying the pot!

what exactly will YOU get out of a reconciliation?

i can see taking my dh back has positives beyond help with ds because i still love him - but the fact that you dont love your dh anymore is not a failing on your part its a failing on his.

my sister stayed with her husband about 3 years too long - he was a bully of sorts - despite telling me that she didnt love him and when he returned from work - army - she just was thankful for the extra pair of hands around the house (and believe me he didnt help much!!!)12 months after the split i have never seen her and her kids so happy - she has exhausing/ bad days with two dc's under 4 and same job as me but she is so much happier than before - LST, i say aim for that!!

hope everyone has a better day, love ML. xx

LST - I agree with ML - I know I'm not in much of a position to give adviec here, but I really think you've done the hardest bit, getting him to leave. And it's such early days, of course it's hard being on your own, but I'm sure that will get easier as you gradually adjust to the difference. What if you let him back, just because it seemed the easier option, and it went back to the way it was... you would have to go through this all again.

I keep trying to talk to him about leaving... he tried telling me how stupid / disgusting a person I am for being so horrible, short sighted about our future, how I should pay his rent then as I am kicking him out (he is a professional with a decent wage, I am currently a sahm, with my only money a bit my mum left, til the house is sold)!

Then he tried being nice, wanting to cuddle up, asking me what I wanted, so he can try harder to make me happy. Offering foot rub etc. In many ways he's a sweet, charming, funny, intelligent man, but he is rude, manipulative, denies me my right to choices, a bully, and a money wasting drug addict who says addiction programmes don't work / it's not easy to go after a long day at work, or some other excuses.

I too find it hard to not rise to his insults / try and reason with him. I think he is in denial still. I mean he thinks I am crazy for not wanting to buy my mum's house with him (in my name), because it's wasting a chance to make money. He cannot comprehend that the fact that he spends loads of money on drugs, and is totally untrustworthy, makes me unwilling to risk my name / credit / financial stability etc. I am beyond frustration. I'm tempted to get someone to look after the dog, and go and stay with a friend or something, just for a breather.

princess - re going to stay with someone else - I think that is a very good idea !

sorry, cant write more atm as I am at work
lst x

That is a good idea Princess, it will give you time to think straight without him putting pressure on you and also give you a much needed break from it all. Will he stay in the house when you are gone?

Lemon, you've come this far on your own, don't take a step back now. I know how hard it is not to weaken but you have shown him you won't put up with his behaviour, if you have him back you are going back on all that. Chin up, you're doing great.

Squirrel - thanks for the advice re alanon. I'd love to give it a go but I'd have to do it on the quiet. I know he wouldn't understand and he hates me talking about this to anyone, he even has a go at me for confiding in my Mum who has been through the same situation and is the only person(apart from all of you) who knows the full story. Its his guilt I suppose.

I'm off for a girls night out tonight with some old friends I haven't seen for ages. He's tried to make me feel bad for going out when all this is going on, but its not me with the problem, I can go out, have a few drinks and stop there unlike him. I need to get out of here for one night and forget about him and his problem, and just be myself again.

Why are they so bloody selfish. The whole world revolves around them in their little minds.