SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Sammybags

I have answered your points in turn, your own comments are in quote marks:-

"Attila you sound very wise, if only I were so self aware. Reading Ready4's story I can only hope her DH has a wake-up call".

But there are no guarantees here with alcoholism; Ready's DH may well get bad news re his health from his doc but may still decide to carry on drinking. I read he is still drinking now at home, if its not beer its whiskey because he is unwell. They will use any excuse to drink. Denial is a powerful force with alcoholism. And the women in these situations often end up acting as their enablers.

"Everyone knows about my dh's problem, my mum, my sister, my dad, my friends, his friends. It's not like he hasnt' got anyone to talk to!"

Family, bless them, are not equipped to deal with alcoholism. Everyone around the alcoholic gets caught up in the alcholism and the life of the alcoholic; the topics of conversation are also often the alcoholic and their actions. Your man needs to talk to AA but HE has to want to do that and no-one else can do it for him. He does not sound at all serious about wanting to seek any such help.

"He's discussed it with my mum and sister and he's admitted time and time again he's an addict".

But he has done nothing to address his alcoholism and until he does there is nothing you can do to help him. You just end up enabling him, as you are all doing.

"I am going to another Al Anon meeting this week, I think I need the support although I have lots of support from my family anyway, but this feels like a horrible dirty secret and probably only something someone with an alcholic/addict family member can relate too".

Do attend, they are there to help family members of problem drinkers. To my mind all your family members should attend too, they need to be educated as to the realities of alcoholism. Al-anon do have several good pamphlets on various aspects of alcoholism.

"Thing is my DH does have a lot of sympathy because some really horrible things have happened to him"

I'm sure a lot of awful things have happened to him but not all people who have crappy abusive childhoods end up as alcoholics. He's letting those people still win.

"so when I do speak to his parents all I get is concern - for him. They think a good dose of counselling would sort him out".

Well they enable him too. Counselling in these situations won't cut it, HE has to want to seek proper help for his own self. No-one can do it for him.

"Even my mum thinks he is a poor old soul. She says I'm 'so successful' I only make him feel worse; my dad says pretty much the same too".

This is a poor excuse; his alcoholism has likely held him back - not you.

"I can't leave him, although I am considering it.

Why can't you leave him?. Why are you potentially setting yourselves up to be the sacrifical lambs to his ongoing alcoholism?. You set yourself up for a life of misery.

"I guess I am hoping that when the baby is born he will stop this altogether.

No he won't. Sorry but that thought is a triumph of hope over experience. If there are cracks in the relationship, a baby will just serve to widen the schisms within it. You love him and he has a lot of your family's support and yet he still has not addressed his demons. What makes you think a baby's arrival will make him change?.

"He used to be much, much worse than this. I guess anyone reading this probably thinks I'm totally deluded".

Deluded, well no. You are posting here for a start. He still sounds pretty bad now actually. I have to ask, why did you decide to have a child by him?.

He's jobless and did not let the letting agent in yesterday because you thought that he was passed out upstairs.

You think your life is crap now, wait till the baby arrives. How is he going to cope with the night feeds, you'll end up doing it all. I feel for you and your unborn honestly. You can make a choice, ultimately your child has no say. Growing up in a house where one parent is alcoholic is no picnic at all for the child to witness and can leave the child with all sorts of emotional issues as an adult. Your unborn and you deserve better.

Attila x

Hi all,

R4ADC ? you must be quite scared, I?ve been there, so I know? The vomiting of blood can be due to a number of things ? he may have an ulcer that gets angrier with more alcohol being consumed. More likely, it could be the veins in his oesophagus ? alcohol irritates the lining, and the veins develop like varicose veins in the legs (urgh!) and can restrict the capacity and bleed quite easily. Both can be sorted out, but (surprise, surprise!) not drinking is going to be required if he is to get better. Let us know what the doctor says and about your DH?s reaction. Sometimes a jolt is all it takes for some people to seriously change their ways, but not always. I always feel conflicted when something like this happens with my DH ? what IS good news? To be given the all clear and a licence to drink? To be in mortal peril? Would either scenario help him stop? I cannot control it, I cannot help it, but it still makes me feel like crap.

SammyBags ? I wouldn?t say you are deluded, just confused. This ?disease? makes us all around the alcoholic quite sick too. It?s hard to see clearly when you can vividly remember what a wonderful human being your partner used to be, without the cursed booze. You long to have them back, but there is nothing you can do to get them back, it is their decision and their decision alone, and it?s a difficult road they must travel.

I must agree with Attila, though, the baby will not make things better. I am assuming it?s your first one; correct me if I am wrong. If so, you are where I was 2.5yrs ago. DH?s position at the centre of my known universe shifted spectacularly the moment I gave birth ? my loyalty, my love, my care, my energy, my everything is and has to be 100% for DS. How do you think your DH will take that? Mine is still drinking, falling over, being abusive, laying about doing nothing, not assuming any responsibility for anything and leaving everything to me. Is he awful all the time? No, but he is pissed to some degree 24/7! He cannot help but resenting I will always put DS first, even though rationally he understands it.

Re being successful ? good on you girl, you are going to need it to pull through for you and your wee one. I get lots of lip regarding me ?doing crap all day and talking rubbish, and the stupid ?suits? I deal with? ? I remind him that without me being successful and earning, we wouldn?t have a roof over our heads. Be practical, keep your finances separate, think of little one and build up for his/her future.

Ginny ? I?m going to miss you, but I?m happy that it?s now time for you to move on, you deserve it. Wish us well (((ginny)).

Ginnny, I will miss your posts too, I understand where you are coming from - but please pop in now and then, even for just a read/catch up, and then let us know how you are doing when you feel like it. The other thing is, anyone who has read this thread from the start will be able to see for themselves how far you have come - that it is possible to come out the other side, as a far stronger person.

Sammybags - I so know how you feel. I was the same 5 years ago, when our DD was born. The drinking escalated, the behaviour became more extreme. The nature of the disease is such that there is no room for anyone or anything else. A baby takes the focus off the alcoholic - you won't be much use to them as all your energies will be focused on the baby. A non alcoholic father finds a new baby hard enough in the family equation so you can only imagine how it is for the alcoholic. They truly do want to do their best by you both but they are mentally and physically unable to .

It doesn't matter what your H says to however many people about his addiction - the point is that he needs AA; just like we need Al Anon. He will say anything to get himself off the hook; it all sounds honest and plausible, all this talking to friends and family but it is a sham. What he needs to be doing is talking to alcoholics like himself who Will understand - at AA! And only HE can get himself there.

No-one can possibly understand what we are going through unless they have been through it themselves - same for the alcoholic. Atilla is right when she says that 'a crap childhood doesn't have to lead to alcohlism' - most of us can deal with all sorts of stressful/crap experiences/situations, but there is a small percentage who simply cannot without a hefty crutch, be it alcohol or drugs or gambling. It can be a result of being hypersensitivity, it can be a result of genetics (Alcoholism sure is a family disease - go through his family tree and you will find evidence of alcoholism) - bit of both in H's case.

Sorry it all sounds very bleak - it is very hard to understand it all when you feel so alone. But you are not alone. None of us are - and it's brilliant that we can all vent on MN; as well as support each other.

Well my H has just been back to the Dr's for another blood test...what a joke! When he made the appt. he was insisting on seeing this new Dr. who has just started. Doesn't he realise that his Alcoholism is plastered all over his notes?? He thinks that he will be able to hoodwink them all - but the only mug is Him. Silly man.

RFADC - I used to be just like you with the trying to find out everything. I know quite a bit from being in the nursing profession; I have looked after liver transplant pt's, done liver courses, etc, and I know all the best websites for research/evidence based info. but all you end up doing is putting the focus on him. It's bad enough when they are living rent free in your head, without you doing all the other shit that you should leave well alone. You become as addicted to them as they are to alcohol.

Snowie, I tell him it's a good job I'm earning as the credit crunch may mean that he will have to start rationing the loo rolls...... - honestly, a pack of 18 lasts about a week (and I'm not wasting another penny on the nice stuff anymore....does anyone know where you can get that nasty 'tracing paper' loo roll that they used to have in the public bogs?? LOL!!!). Definetly agree about the finance side of things - I have everything seperate so at least I know that all my hard earned money will pay the bills and not his drinks. Please ladies, don't give them any money. If they are not working, then they need to start claiming. And if they can't claim, they will get the money somehow - they always will. It kills me that I could be paying about £400 less/month once he goes but hey ho - just and bear it.

By the way, I had a marvellous pamper weekend with my mates, and the Wales thing was lovely - DD helped with the scattering too .....

Ginny, I will miss you too, but will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, keep going on upwards with those wonderful boys of yours.

Sammybags Please, please, get out now. It will be so much harder once your baby is here. I wish I'd seen the warning signs 5 years ago, and run. Emotions are tricky buggers, esp when pg with hormones everywhere. Gah, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I wrote your posts iykwim. I know you don't like the idea of him being on his own, dealing with the crap on is own and not coping, but please, don't end up like me, don't let him erode your confidence, and eat away at who you are until you are a shadow. Btw, I agree you are not deluded. Just struggling with this ghastly addiction.

secretsquirrel, I had to laugh at your dh's blood test malarky. Re the toilet paper... buy a Daily Mail

Anyway, my twat of a dh? Can you guess from the namechange? By Wed he was going on about how thee was nothing wrong with him, fit as an ox etc. I gave him a list of possibles (I used to work in a pharmacy, I didn't google) and said it was his choice. I got some bollocks about how he couldn't afford time off work blah blah, to which I simply saidit was his choice and left it. Needless to say, he didn't go. Quite strange, my initial thought when He first told me a week ago was 'here we go. Bugger.' After that, I just didn't feel bothered. Not numb, just indifferent. Is that detachment? Goodness knows, but it felt GOOD!!!

In someways I guess I've been expecting it, does anyone else have the daydream where their dh is told they have a pickled liver and their days are numbered?

On a more positive note (Do I hope I'm not jinxing myself here) he has been a fair bit more plesant to be around recently. The odd bit of verbal, but even so not as much. and, no violence!!!

Keep well everyone, wishing you all a peaceful and safe week.

Hi Ready, I was once told that love and hate are 2 sides of a coin - but once you start to feel indifference....well this is an indication to get out.

As for detachment; well imagine your H sparko on the floor, and you (once upon a time) would maybe try to get him up to bed so he wasn't still there in the am (esp. when there are children involved). Detaching means leaving him exactly where he is. Detaching with love means leaving him on the floor but covering him up with a blanket. I would view indifference as a type of detachment from both him and his illness, but not detachment 'with love'. But the good news is that you sound like you are learning not to react to his behaviour - very hard to do esp. when you are goaded.

I had to laugh about using the mail as a substitute for toilet paper....he will have to use whatever is to hand as I did'nt get any more yesterday (weather too nice for shopping!) and we have a roll to last until Wed....Oh and no dreams about pickled livers and numbered days - though that in itself should be enough to make them stop drinking but the reality is it doesn't. Look at George Best!

How is everyone else?

Anyone about?

I took DH into rehab yesterday morning, and I am in pieces. I think I'm losing my marbles, please someone tell me everything will be alright...

((((((hugs snowie)))))

I am praying for you, and your family. How long will he be there?

Thanks, R4AC, thank you so much.

I don't know exactly, a week to nine days was mooted. He phoned mid morning yesterday to say his phone was being confiscated and he was making the call supervised by staff. It was very brief, and he was starting to stuggle (no meds yet, about to be breathalysed). Nothing since.

He was very scared to go in, never seen him like this before. Scared of failing to stay dry after the treatment.

I'm scared too. And tired. And confused.

DS looking under bedspread for DH this morning. Reminded him we had taken daddy to hospital yesterday so he could get better .

oh bless your ds.

Has he done rehab before? does he know what to expect this time? or has he been told some scarey news that he hasn't shared? Or, is it because he knows if he doesn't stay dry he's lost all of you?

Don't really know what to say, I'm only an expert at putting my foot in my mouth really.

Sounds like rehab mean it, what is the follow up like, becuasse once he's dry physically, it's the mentl crap which needs to be sorted to stay dry.

He is being brave though, my dh still has his head firmly encased in concrete.

Whatever happens, you will get through this. There is a life waiting for you xx

Hi. Snowiebear - I am lurking and just wanted to pop in and wish you well. Your dh has taken a big step, and it will be so hard for both of you, but at least he has got this far, which is more than a lot of the men on here have managed.
R4AC is absolutely right that he will need a lot of follow on help, just getting dry is not enough on its own.
Fingers crossed for you and thinking of you.

R4AC, Ginny - thank you so much, it means a lot right now.

R4AC, not putting your foot in your mouth at all. He's been detoxed too many times for me to keep count, but aside from the physical treatment, they've been rubbish at doing any theraphy. You are bang on the money, he knows he'll lose DS and I if he goes back to the booze... he said on Sunday night that if he fails this time he won't try again, because there'll be nothing left trying for. I know this argument of his is flawed and can be taken down to pieces, but it's still sad that this is how he feels. He knows the stint in rehab is the easy bit - (un)fortunately, so do I. I'm flipping terrified, ladies, I'm a wreck!

Luckily, this place sounds like they've got the measure of what needs doing and they don't just stuff them full of meds and leave them to drink tea all day long, but work with them properly. I agree re: follow up, it worries me sick, I know he doesn't rate his current case worker, so I hope there's something more over and above her in place.

Right now I just feel rotten and paralysed. I hope I can get my head straight so that I act like a normal human being once he is back - he's going to need it. More importantly, I need to keep strong for DS - cannot wait to finish work and get a big cuddle and sloppy kiss from him.

(((((Snowie))))) - please keep strong. And all I can say is please take one day at a time. Don't get involved with 'projecting' what may or may not happen in the future/when he leaves rehab. etc. Because it is too exhausting to even realistically think about right now - though it is natural for 'us' all to do that, isn't it?

One more thing - please get yourself to Al Anon where you will be with people who know exactly what you are going through now, and will help you to get your head around the tools you will need when he gets out. I sincerely hope he has now realised that AA is what he should be doing now - but time will tell if he really has reached rock bottom and will actively seek their support. I'm hoping that there will be AA involvement in the rehab he is doing now....

Please be aware that the alcoholic will always say whatever it takes to get them off the hook.....

Hi SS1. I'm trying to follow your advice - definitely not getting lost in the "what ifs", honestly. Just have a feeling of dread I cannot shake, having been here so many times before and knowing that one way or another this is the last time for me on this journey.

I wish I could go to Al Anon - the meeting is not local and I have no-one to leave little man with. I'm stuffed in that sense . Don't want to start thinking whether DH will be able to once he is back, la-di-da-di-da... that would take me down the wrong track. I know the centre he is in has AA meetings some evenings, I hope he'll be encouraged to take part. He went to a couple years ago and didn't like it... surprise, surprise. He is dreadfully honest about his addiction when he is clean, but it always manages to trick him into thinking he is in control - I hope there'll be options for treatment for him when he's out, he needs to understand he'll never be safe and stop using excuses to justify having a drink.

Thank you to all of you for being with me today.

Snowie - if you want to CAT me I'll send you my email address. I'm on msn most evenings so if you need to talk or just offload I can be there to listen.
Good luck.
x

Thanks, Ginny. One of my friends is coming over tonight to have dinner and a chat, so I won't be alone.

I'm off to get DS now, working away for most of the day tomorrow, I promise to let you all know how we are as soon as I can.

Thank you SO much for all your help today to all of you. (((lovely ladies)))

Snowie, you can CAT me too if you need to

Still alive... Tuesday was such a hard day, I will always be grateful to you all for the support your gave me. A friend came over for dinner in the evening - we gave DS a bath together, played, read stories and put him to bed. Then we got some food and talked for hours, it really helped and I feel a bit more sane now.

Couldn't post yesterday, was travelling with work and it was a very hectic day. Good, in a way, it kept me from navel-gazing during the day and completely knackered me for the evening .

DH phoned late evening on Tuesday and again yesterday from centre's payphone and I rang him back. Very spaced out with the meds, in his little bubble - I found it hard on Tuesday as I was feeling so fragile, but coped better with it yesterday. The centre is a bit of a disappointment - therapy sessions were being cancelled left right & centre and there is nothing to do. Highlight yesterday was a visit by AA... DH didn't sound to excited about it. I did my best to sound balanced, interested and supportive yesterday, but very difficult to read reactions through the monotone of the drugs. If he phones tonight he should start sounding a bit better as they reduce the dosage. Mind you, I will not be pinning anything on it, I promise you all!

Forgot to say! Thanks for the kind offer, SS1!

Well we've been moving, and I have to say things got a bit hairy last week, after several days of sobriety my OH got drunk the day before we moved.
I've noticed that instead of getting rip roaring drunk he's getting drunk and angry i.e he is using the alcohol to vent all his bad feelings. He's going to AA again this week. Have to say most days things have been fine, but I find at least one night a week he wants to play his music up really loud and cry.
I am trying to be supportive, as much as I can be, being 29 weeks pg. He starts a new job next week.
I am going to Al Anon on Thursday. Am so glad I have found this thread even if I don't get time to look at it every day now

Hi SammyBags, Hope that you are finding Al Anon supportive. You certainly need to be taking care of You!

Your OH may be still getting drunk & angry but at least he is Still Going to AA....I hope that his new job works out well for him next week.

When you have been to about 6 meetings, you should go to an Open AA meeting - I had a lot more understanding of Alcoholism once I'd been to one of those....see if you can pal up to go to one with someone from your Al Anon group.

Hope that everyone else is keeping well.

Bump!

hi all, i just wanted to check in - i used to post on this thread last year when things were very bad for me and it helped alot. i am still with my dh who for the mostpart has been sober all year. there have been a couple of slips which i hope have taught him that he cant just have one drink. he rapidly declined into hiding bottles and behaving badly. i guess the major difference has been that i have immediately shown him the door and said vodka or us. that has been enough for him to pull himself together again. he is working and doing well, sees his GP (who has been brilliant) and goes to AA once a week without fail. he is a great help with ds and i know we are better off having him in our lives when he is sober. i know that there are no guarantees that he wont drink again. in fact i think it more likley that he will but at least i have a strategy to deal with it which is pretty much to protect ds and myself. i just though it might help to know there is light at the end of the tunnel!! x

ML - I often wondered what happened to you! I am so pleased to hear that your DH is going regularly to AA but even more pleased to hear you sounding positive.

I don't know if you have had the time to read through the whole thread - we have all been through the wars and have managed to cope with the help of MN; it has had a happy outcome for some, and been a work in progress for others....as for me, I'm getting divorced - a decision I took after being in Al Anon for a year (which cleared my mind of the madness!)- we are having to go to court in Jan. as he won't give any indication what sort of settlement he is after. And we have Christmas to get over with - so hard when DD is getting so excited about it.

Would love to hear how everyone else is doing too

Hi Mickeylou, it's great to hear from you, it's been such a long time! I was thinking of this time last year and how angry I felt, fighting against the madness and wondering if it would ever end.. Well done you for being strong.

Ginny, I'm taking DS to France to spend Christmas with what's left of my family. First Christmas as an 'orphaned' single mum, but my cousins are great and DS needs to know them.

It's going to be weird though.

and secretsquirrel, all the best!