SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Hi Rosie,
I hope he sticks to his word, but I think he will find it hard to just stop without any outside help.
IMO they never really do completely recover, and I think it just has to become a part of your life that they have this problem and could relapse at any time.
I think you can only move forward with an alcoholic if they truly want to stop (and deep down not many of them do) and you get lots of help from both AA and Alanon.
All I would say is that make this his absolute last chance, don't go down the route of setting ultimatums and going back on them time and time again. That drags you further and further down and he will not take you seriously next time.
Fingers crossed for you.
Keep us posted.

Hope everyone else is OK.

Hi everyone - haven't posted for a bit but have read up and caught up with what has been happening.

Rosie, I hope he sticks to his word too - but I fear that it is only a matter of time before it all starts off again, because if he really did mean it, he would get help, NOW.

The best place for him is AA, but he has to make the decision to go there himself.

It doesn't sound like he has hit rock bottom yet but you sound like you are nearer to rock bottom than he is. I was right where you are now (2 years ago) so I really do know what you are going through.

I started going to Al Anon and was able to see things for exactly what they were. And 2 years of Al Anon has helped me more than I can say. I have ME back, which means that I can make rational decisions that have not been clouded by the madness I was living in.

Some people are lucky, they find that their changed behaviour to the addict is enough to make the addict seek sobriety in AA. Their partnership weathers the storm and they do come through it. I know a few couples where that has happened.

An addict will say whatever it takes to get them off the hook and you back on side again. They will say/do what they know you want to hear. Ultimatums do not work unless you really do say what you mean and mean what you say.

You also need a plan B & C in place so if the ultimatum doesn't work then you move to plan B. And you don't ever threaten 'to do this/that/the other' - It Will Not Work. You will never ever outwit an addict.

So, to help yourself in this situation, you need expert Support for yourself, because, believe this or not, we become as sick as they are. Yes I know that sounds like complete b......s because we see them as the ones having the addiction, but answer me this? Why do we partners find ourselves in the situation we are in?

These addicts are living 'rent free' in our heads 24/7. We are constantly worrying about where they are, who they are with, are they drinking/taking drugs, will they behave this weekend or will it be another ruined weekend, will we go out as a family/eat as a family, make it to the wedding/christening/family get-together etc??

You can always CAT me if you need more info on Al Anon. That goes for anyone else in the same situation.

I hope that this helps.

Good luck, Rosie and please keep posting!

Meanwhile, hope everyone else is ok too. SSX

Hi SS.
Its good to hear you sounding so strong and positive.
After stringing me along for months about how he intends to get help and stop drinking and worming his way back into my life, I have recently found out he's also been seeing someone else too. This woman is an alky too so I guess they are more suited than me and him. I still feel like I've been kicked in the stomach but this is the final betrayal for me.
I have been going along to Alanon, although not as often as I probably should, but I'm not really getting much out of it at the moment. I'm too down and miserable to make the effort.

Oh Ginnny, hun, (((((ginnny))))) I am sorry that you have had to find out about this latest betrayal....but ultimately, he has made the choice for you, hasn't he? Though I wouldn't blame you for thinking that somehow that sort of behaviour is far worse than the alcoholic behaviour

I almost wish my H would 'find someone else' so he can f... off and I can move on -but that isn't going to happen as long as we are still in the house together....he is no fool and knows that if he doesn't toe the line and 'behave' I will get an injunction/get the police and then he will be forcibly evicted from the house. I have also found some other things of his that are now missing - like a set of global knives (I bought them for him throughout our time together, mad fool that I am - I suppose I should be chuffed that he likes them so much !!)

My H drinks at home, not in the pub. In a lot of ways that isn't as bad as being a pub drinker because you can see the deterioration happen before your eyes and they are always 'there'(though not in the head) - although that is not nice to see, at least you know where they are. It must be appalling to not know where they are/when they will be back/if they will come back....that uncertainty - well I can't imagine how awful that must be to live with.

He has not responded to the latest correspondence from my solicitor - our Decree Absolute should be through by the end of the month because it is 6 weeks since the Decree Nisi - but the finances have not been sorted. My solicitor has a hunch that he will try for 50% which means that we will have to go to court in the 1st instance (and my fees will increase by another 4K+ - thank God for my mother!!). I know that he wont get that - he isn't working, is behind with payments to the CSA with his previous daughter, and won't be able to pay any maintenance to our DD. But all the same, if the courts don't pull their finger out then I can see this mess dragging on until after Christmas .

On a more +ve note, our DD loves school, and she will be starting breakfast club in the morning and the CM will be collecting her afterwards. So I have a whole day to do all the housework and pack for DD & I - we are leaving on Tues (after school) to scatter my dads ashes on Thurs (that will be his 'funeral') but I am having a girly w/end with 3 very close mates next w/end. DD will spend the w/end with his parents and I have to collect them both on the way back - I can't have H on his own with her on the Sun (which is what would happen if his F brought them back). Perhaps I should make a break for it once DD is strapped in and leave without H - God I wish!

Anyway, take every care ladies, SSx

Its true SS he has done me a favour in a way, but it really threw me sideways. I never thought he'd do that. I know we'd officially split up but he was still sleeping with involved with me .
It is worse than the drinking, I felt that the drinking was something he couldn't control, this however was totally premeditated and nasty, especially as he begged me to give him a chance to sort himself out and not to meet anyone else.
Glad DD likes school. Hope the funeral goes Ok and you enjoy your weekend away.

Evening ladies

I don't know what made me open and read all of this thread, but I did. And just want to say you are amazing and strong. I hope you're all ok x

Hi all,

Haven't posted for a while, but have been lurking. I guess things get so intense sometimes one either vomits them up onto a post or bottles up... Been doing quite a lot of the latter.

SS, what you say about them drinking at home it's true, except you worry with the kids seeing what goes on and sometimes would prefer them getting plastered elsewhere and coming back once DS is in bed. My DH does both, lucky me, I have the best of both worlds! I've lost count of the times he's come back with his face smashed in because he's fallen on his way back, of trousers and underwear and carpets covered in poo, of broken bones, of some utter stranger knocking at the door and landing him on the sofa. What great mates!

Last time that happen, I yelled at the unknown chap that if they think so highly of DH and they are such great mates, he should realise he is an alcoholic and needs help, that buying him a pint is not the thing to do. Apparently, I went absolutely ape , but I had DS asleep upstairs and step-DD, only 15, had just witnessed the "special delivery". I was livid! Mate has taken it to heart and keeps sending DH back if he find him in the pub and talking sense into him . Half annoyed that DH praises his mate doing this to high heaven, whilst giving me a hard time if I make a comment intended to rein him in a bit...

At the mo, DH is trying to keep a lid on it as much as he can and we are waiting for a date for his treatment. He had his assessment a couple of weeks ago and he was very impressed with the team - that makes a difference, I guess, he is normally pretty dismissive, so if he doesn't place value on the team, what chance do they have of helping him?

Me? I'm just riding it - DS is wonderful and no matter how shitty things get, he makes mummy smile.

SS - best of luck with everything, keep strong. BTW, do you know that giving someone a knife as a present is a very powerful form of old magic? It cuts all bonds in a relationship! Whenever we've been given knives by family and friends (kitchen blocks, etc), we always give them a pound for them, to avoid this fate. I'm definitely not making this one up, I'm a bit of a witch, albeit a rather crap one

Ginny - it must be awful, what a betrayal! Goes to show the lying spreads to all areas of their lives. I agree with SS, he has done you a favour, it's just going to take a while to sink in, but it will, you are a strong lady.

Thanks for the messages SS and Ginny. Sounds like you've both got your own troubles too which I hope gets better soon x
Well, my husband had one clean weekend and then went out yesterday and spent about £200 on shite again. I heard him creep in about 11.30 pm, take the cash card that I stupidly had left in my purse downstairs (usually I sleep with it under my pillow when he's out) and somehow got the new pin too. He had a taxi waiting outside and off he went. I didn't think he knew the new oin but obviously he does. I physically prayed to God to give him the strength to resist the drug, bring him home etc, but didn't work. He came up when I was BF my daughter to confess what he'd done, started punching himself in the face (?) and crying. I feel so angry and stupid and letdown again. I'm showing him the FA website tonight and find out where the nearest AA meeting is and when. If he doesn't want the extra help and support to quit this then I really cannot do this anymore. I've started going to church the last 6 weeks and it makes me feel 'alive' and gives me hope that God will help me through this, I pray everyday for Him to help me support my husband and for my husband to have the strngth to fight this.
Sorry I am waffling a bit and I'm not a religious nut honest but I feel like I'm scrapping along with no positivity for the future except bankrupcy and broken marriage. I hate myself for being weak and not just chucking him out as you advise. I'm as bad as he is as I'm letting him get away with it. I just want to runaway with my babies, protect them from this consistant shit behaviour. I always thought of myself as a strong woman but I'm crap. I'm letting my children down. I've spent the morning crying, I'm crying as I type as letting my children down makes me feel like I'm a shit mummy. Sorry if I'm depressing everyone and I don't expect sympathy, just writing this may help me to see things in black and white.
Wishing all you ladies some happiness in these hard times and faith that things will get better x x x

Hi rosieroo08,

Re your comment:-
"I'm showing him the FA website tonight and find out where the nearest AA meeting is and when. If he doesn't want the extra help and support to quit this then I really cannot do this anymore".

You can certainly show him the FA and AA websites but it still does not necessarily mean he'll do anything about it. He will likely not - the will to change has to come from within him. You CANNOT do it for him no matter how much you love him or want him to. There are no guarantees here; he will likely continue these addictive behaviours even if he loses his family. However, he is not your responsibility ultimately; he for instance made a conscious choice to steal your bank card.

You and your children are being profoundly affected by all this crap as well. They're being dragged down with him too and he is more than happy to send you all into his dark pit. It is perhaps only when you are free will you actually realise the full extent of what he has done. You may "love" him yes, but where's his love towards you exactly?.

My counsel; seek advice re the debts from the CAB and legally separate from your H.

You are by no means a bad mummy at all (you have posted here for a start and you realise that things are bad) but you do need to get these children away from him too. They should not have to grow up in such a toxic environment. You cannot enable him any longer - enabling him has only made you feel worse and has helped no-one.

You are only responsible for your children as well as your own self.

If you have not already, seek support from Al-anon.

Thanks Atilla, I'm going to get onto CAB right now. Just re-read what I'd written and I sound so bloody sorry for myself. There are many people out there that have it so much worse then me. Thanks for advice, I'm going to check out AA for me, he can look later.
x

Oh Rosie, I'm so sorry he let you down again. You've given him his chance and he blew it. You really should get him out of your life now or he'll keep doing this to you over and over again. I do know how hard it is but life can be so much better without him dragging you down.
Snowy - for you having to go through this. Hope he manages to get the help he needs quickly.
Reading your posts makes me realise how bad things were for me and I'm so glad I'm out of all that now. Although I'm so sad at the way it all ended I'm completely relieved and my dc are already more relaxed and seem happier now he's gone. It's a big step to get away from them but so so worth it in the long run. I also know how hard it is to take that step (it took me 3 years to pluck up the courage) but in the end you will do it for your dc, to give them a better life.
Snowie - I like the idea of giving xp a knife, but I don't think I'd be allowed to put it where I'd really like to

Hi everyone,

Well I'm supposed to be packing as DD & I are off as soon as she finishes school....but something made me check out MN before finishing off the packing!!

Snowie, I've never heard of that superstition, but it sums it all up - I will never ever buy anyone a knife ever again (in fact, H is the only person I have ever bought knives for!). So, I could have orchestrated the whole thing myself by buying those knives.....Oh My Gaard - in a sick way this has really made me laugh!

Oh and the fact that H had his bloods done last week, and the Dr's have just rung him at home with the results....I heard him say 'No, I don't drink during the week, I can't understand why the result shows that' (No shit, Sherlock!) - Ha, what a deluded .... he has become. But of course, the Dr's have got it all wrong, just like WE ALL have it wrong - we don't know what we are talking about!

My H drinks at home but he is 'hiding' the alcohol in milk, so DD thinks he is drinking loads of 'milk' (and we are talking 6 pints+ a day). He used to drink it in coke but it got so transparent even he had to admit to himself that he was fooling no-one anymore.

Though DD is fully aware that he has an illness that makes him smash things up/shout/vomit everywhere/fall about - and that he doesn't remember doing these things as he 'blacks out'. Luckily it hasn't put her off drinking milk yet )

Rosie, Atilla is right. Please get advice about Al Anon & from the CAB re debt management/advice - you can get advice over the phone in both instances. You need help NOW. Please don't put it off like your H obviously is - he will pull you down to the bottom of the pit with him; you have to start fighting back now for your childrens sake. Please, please do it NOW. Ginnny & I are showing you that there is another way to be LIVING, not existing. Nothing is anyway near as difficult/exhausting/soul destroying as having to deal with an active addict.

at hiding it in milk. It must taste vile.

Couldn't agree more with your last sentence SS. Life with an alcoholic is surviving or existing, not living. You only get one crack at life, so we shouldn't waste any of it on these men and their sad addictions.

Hope you have a good weekend away SS.

Rosie, you are most certainly NOT letting your kids down, and you are not a crap mum! You are struggling and doing your best none the less... These are not easy decisions, still you persevere to find the right path for all of you.

I guess we have all felt like that at one stage or another, with relapses, but is simply not true that we are crap mummies. We shield our kids, we feed them white lies (sometimes in the form of milk, SS?), we get them out of the way when things get hairy, we taken them out of the house, we justify (dad is poorly... poor daddy...), we keep them innocent and well adjusted. Ginny's, SS's, Attila's advice - it's all valid, it all well intentioned, and it can all help, but the first thing you ought to do is to stop beating yourself up about it. Despite of how hard it gets for us, we do have an obligation to our DCs to keep strong, to keep sane and not to lose our ability to laugh heartily and express love and joy. Do not let him take that away from you. Whatever form your help to him takes, whatever your private hopes, do not let him rule your physical and emotional stability - I guess Attila will call this "detachment". You will always find a friendly place here, don't cry, Rosie (((rosie))).

Ginny - you made me laugh with your suggestion re: knife-giving... was that going to be gift-wrapped, or would you have not bothered?

SS - blimey! Drinking lots of milk with/after alcohol was a trick of the trade for double agents in WWII... They could pretend to be well in their cups and therefore likely to have loosened control, but drank the milk to make them vomit and keep them sober! No wonder he is throwing up... his aesophagus must be on fire and it's very dangerous, veins can burst. Re: lying to doctor, I know I shouldn't, but the way you wrote about it, I found it hysterically funny - twinge of recognition, perhaps? Still, I bet the doctor wasn't born yesterday... gamma GT results are pretty conclusive.

Why waste good paper Snowie.

Hello everybody,

As you know my mother died a few weeks ago with evidence towards heavy drinking (she was found in her bed in day clothes, so no night time heat attack, and a bottle of scotch by her side).

I have now received the coroner's report she had 3.21g/l alcohol in her blood. I'm not sure at what stage does a 'healthy' person passes out but for a 60+ that's a bad level to reach, she passed out and died. I didn't know she was still drinking so much, I did move away so that I wouldn't know but I thought that she'd calmed down somehow.

I know you know, but alcohol IS dangerous.

XX

wdwgfh.
Hope you are bearing up OK.
x

I've found this thread and feel really sad having to write again. My partner (am 28 weeks pregnant) had some drinking issues. He has seemed okay for the last three months but is now really down again after his last contract (job) ended. We are moving house in two weeks and renting, just got a call from thelettin agent saying no one is answering the door (he'll be passed out upstairs drunk) I'm working flat out till end of November in what is a well-paid job to set aside money for the baby. I know I won't leave him but today is one of those days when I don't know how much more I can take. I live near my mum so am going to hers after work for dinner as I know he'll be drinking still. It's really hard because at my stage of pregnancy am not sleeping so well either. I guess I'm just letting off, I know I'll be told to leave him but I can't because he isn't like this all the time.

So what is he like the rest of the time?. I don not mean to be harsh here but you sound as much in denial of this whole mess as he is. Your partner has and continues to have issues with alcohol. His primary relationship is with drink - you and by turn your unborn child are well down the list of his priorities, if you even feature on them.

Why do you say, "I know I won't leave him?". Is it because you "love him", and or are afraid to leave him for fear of being alone?. Don't become his sacrificial lambs to his alcoholism as well as continuing to be his enabler (who is buying the alcohol?). You are acting as his enabler; he has you to prop him up. Enabling does no-one any favours at all least of all you. You cannot enable him.

What do you think he's going to be like when your child is here?. Your situation as it stands sounds pretty much awful as it is. You'll not be working and nor it seems will he be.

Not a nice situation therefore at all for a child to be brought into. You have a choice ultiamtely whether to stay or not, your child has no such say. Being a child in a household where a parent has alcohol problems bring upon the child a whole heap of problems for him/her.

You need support for your own self - I would urge you to call Al-anon and talk with them.

Hello Attila,
I know what you say about enabling him. The rest of the time though, which is why it is so hard... he cooks, cleans the house (every day when I'm not at work because he does work from home). He takes my nieces out and sometimes meets them from school when my sister (whose split from her husband) has to stay late at work. He has been for the most part really excited by the baby, and is more clued about most things than I am. He does my mum's DIY. He makes me feel loved and beautiful and has enabled me to go further in my career.
That is why I have the issue with telling him to go. I did go to an Al anon meeting but felt like a fake.

Hello Attila,
I know what you say about enabling him. The rest of the time though, which is why it is so hard... he cooks, cleans the house (every day when I'm not at work because he does work from home). He takes my nieces out and sometimes meets them from school when my sister (whose split from her husband) has to stay late at work. He has been for the most part really excited by the baby, and is more clued about most things than I am. He does my mum's DIY. He makes me feel loved and beautiful and has enabled me to go further in my career.
That is why I have the issue with telling him to go. I did go to an Al anon meeting but felt like a fake.

sammybags,

You don't need someone like this to make you feel more loved and beautiful (that sounds to me like you have a lack of self esteem). You are a unique person. Also YOU enabled you to go further in your career.

Do you feel like a fake because you somehow feel that his drink problem is not quite all that bad? (you may be thinking well he's done all this for me and my family and he's not drinking everyday).

You're caught up in the merry go round that is alcoholism and have had to deal with the consequences of his drinking before now. He will happily drag you both down with him. The letting agent's today informed you that there was no-one in the house (you couldn't very well tell her that your partner was likely to be passed out upstairs so you likely as well covered up for him. That is also enabling behaviour on your part).

You are not a fake at all - I would urge you to continue going to the Al-anon meetings.

All this nice behaviour stops when he drinks to excess doesn't it?. You're currently working all the hours God sends and yet he's at home both jobless and drinking and passed out because of it. Where's your support exactly?. He's not up to supporting you.

Who knows that your partner has a problem with drinking?. Your Mum must have some clue as you're going around there. Is your sister aware?.

What do you honestly think he's going to be like when the baby is born?. If he's passed out somewhere then he's not going to be of any assistance to you and your child. You will likely end up doing the vast majority of the parenting as well as working; you're carrying both him and yourself currently and soon you'll have a third person to add into this mix.

You need also to consider your unborn child as well - children are perceptive and pick up on bad vibes no matter how much you try to hide it. As I said before do not let yourselves become the sacrificial lambs to his drink problem.

At least you realise you enable him and have done so to date. You need to stop enabling him - he needs to face up to the consequences of his actions.

You are only responsible for your own self and your child. He is ultimately not your responsibility.

You need to remember the 3c's as well with regards to alcoholism:-
you did not cause it
you cannot cure it
you cannot control it

Look at it this way too. If a friend was telling you all this, what would you say to him/her?.

Hello everyone.

I hope everyone is ok, I've been catching up with the thread.

sammybags, I know what you mean about the drinking increasing now the contract has ended. been there, twice this year. it is pants. Seriously though, do listen to Atilla, because, as scarey as it sounds it is considerably easier logistically to leave before your baby arrives. How supportive are your family?

Here, things have been quite positive since the beginning of sept when the scools went back and dh was taken on ft by P's. He enjoys working for them, so hopefully this is a longterm place, although I still have that paranoid keep a reserve feeling just in case anything happens. Anyway, with his nibs feeling happier, his drinnking reduced right down to 2 or 3 tins of normal beer inthe evening mostly. Until he came down with ds's man flu....

So yesterday afternoon, after he'd had several hot toddies (50% whiskey) he began to get all emotional when a certain track came on the radio, and I managed to get out of him that he'd coughed/vomited up blood that morning, and it wasn't the 1st time. I knew he often was bringing up the previous nights dinner in the morning, and had been worrying, but this is something else. Yes, I'd had the occasional thought what if the alcohol kills him?, but even so...
He also said that often the reason he drank so much was because he was in quite a bit of pain

He has a doctors appt fri morning. I am trying to resist googling, as I am already quite anxious.
Yes he can be an arse when drunk, But I am having nightmares about having to bury my husband

R4aDC Maybe this will scare him into doing something about all this.
Try not to worry too much, easier said than done I know but until he's been to the docs there is nothing you can do about it. He just has to be 100% honest with the doctor about everything.
I'm not going to be on here much anymore. I'm finding that MN is not helping me as much as it did, there is so much misery and heartache on here that I feel it is stopping me from getting over everything as I'm just rehashing everything in my head.
I'll keep lurking occasionally and may pop up with my twopence worth from time to time but I really wish you all well and hope things all work out for you all in the end.

Attila you sound very wise, if only I were so self aware. Reading Ready4's story I can only hope her DH has a wake-up call.
Everyone knows about my dh's problem, my mum, my sister, my dad, my friends, his friends. It's not like he hasnt' got anyone to talk to! He's discussed it with my mum and sister and he's admitted time and time again he's an addict. I am going to another Al Anon meeting this week, I think I need the support although I have lots of support from my family anyway, but this feels like a horrible dirty secret and probably only something someone with an alcholic/addict family member can relate too. Thing is my DH does have a lot of sympathy because some really horrible things have happened to him, so when I do speak to his parents all I get is concern - for him. They think a good dose of counselling would sort him out.
Even my mum thinks he is a poor old soul. She says I'm 'so successful' I only make him feel worse; my dad says pretty much the same too.
I can't leave him, although I am considering it. I guess I am hoping that when the baby is born he will stop this altogether. He used to be much, much worse than this. I guess anyone reading this probably thinks I'm totally deluded.