SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Hey, welcome tisb.

how has everyone's week been so far? I know exactly what you mean snowie, about looking after the shell. these last few days i have had my dh here, it's been weird.

beast wishes for the weekend if I don't get back on here before.

Hi all, and welcome, thisissoboring - I'm new too, you are spot on about how similar the stories and the feelings are.

The rehab is on - they have recommended it takes place as soon as possible, so now we are only waiting for a date. DH very subdued after sessions with the alcohol team... All in all, making the right noises, but we've been here before, so... This is a different county, so see if the care is better. In my experience, NHS rehab is all about dealing with the physical aspect, nothing done to work on the mind, nothing put in place to prepare them for "coming out" and dealing with life on the OJ wagon. I'd have said this is a pretty basic need to avoid relapse, but there's no actual support and aftercare, they set them up to fail. In fact, I think telling them "oh, don't kill yourself about it if you fall off the wagon, addicts go over this cycle time and time again until it finally gels" is just giving them an excuse not to even try! Gosh, the medics make me SO mad .

Anyway, how's the bank holiday weekend looking for you all? I'm half dreading it, not knowing how DH will be. My "plan B" is including a day long escapade with DS to the zoo... clueless as to where to hide if "plan B" needs to be followed for more than one day .

Best wishes to all, keep on keeping on.

Hey everyone. TISB I just read your thread. Don't give up on Al anon. I've found it really helpful although I was slightly sceptical at first. They shouldn't tell you to support him, the point of the group is to support you and give you strength to cope with his drinking. Look at the link further up about detachment. I found that helped when I was in the midst of all the madness. Please think of your dc in all this too - I grew up with an alcoholic father and it has screwed me up big time
Snowie - hope the rehab works this time. I know what you mean about the man inside being your soul mate. I feel that way about XP, and just lately I've been seeing that lovely side of him again. But the difference is that now I know the monster will be back, this is just a temporary break. He says he knows he needs to stop, wants help etc but its just words. It won't happen. And coming to terms with that has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but now I have I can let go and leave him to it.

Hello everyone, and welcome to TISB & SB.

TISB - I too have just read your other thread, oh we are so married to the same person - yes I could've written all that myself.

But equally I was disturbed about the info you got from/about Al-Anon.

Please please, CAT me for more info about Al Anon. I'm sure Ginnny would say the same -prob. better from her as she is newer to it than me and will be closer to where you are now!

SB - you are so right. It is a sad fact that the NHS has not the first idea about caring for the mind of an alcoholic. And the cruellest thing of all is that they expect US to be able to cope with home detoxing without the first idea about what WE are getting into....anyway, I don't want to say any more about it.

I'm having a lovely BH w/end, only because H & DD are at his parents..... I have Space, Peace and Quiet....Heaven!!

Hi SS - I have a child and man free weekend too, its lovely. I've had 2 nights out a lovely day shopping with my Mum and tomorrow will be a long lie in, lunch with the family then out with friends for the afternoon. Totally stress free.
XP is back on the piss as predicted. He still gets under my skin at times when he's sober and I do feel sad about how things have ended, but things are so much better than they were a few months ago.
TISB - feel free to CAT me too if you want to talk about Alanon.

Thanks for your messages of support.

I've have so many thoughts coming through my mind over the last week it's hard to sort them through. This time last year I was wanting and willing a life where alcoholism didn't exist in my life anymore. I knew that it was achiveable but still wishful thinking. ie. I could separate from my XP but not from my mother.

But she died. Right there, when I'm starting to build my life and thanking all my lucky stars. No need to tell you that...

there was a bottle of Scotch by her side.

TISB, sorry I haven't read your other thread but I would like to say that Al-anon can be and usually is a fantastic organisation.

In my current circumstances, my first thought was to call someone from my group. I suppose that's why we exchange numbers. To be able to support each other in tough times.

I called someone I hadn't seen in months and this conversation was more important than any I had with family members since (because alcohol is not mentioned).

Good luck and try to go back, it will only help you.

WDWGFH.
I'm so sorry. Hope you are OK.

Oh WDWGFH -- I'm so sorry too (((((WDWGFH)))))

WDWGFH, I am very sorry about your loss - I know it's hard to believe right now, but it will get better. ((((WDWGFH))))

WDWGFH - so sorry about your mum. My mum died 1.5 years ago, and I know how hard it is. The circumstances around it must make things even more difficult

I haven't posted in ages, but have been lurking regularly. Just got too depressed that I didn't seem to be moving on.

I'm trying to put my foot down about money, but getting these stories of his life in danger etc etc because of debts to these people. I tell him that it's not my responsibility, and i need to think of me and dd and baby, but it's hard. And he still won't go. And it's still me who is crazy for standing firm.

I've put up with his lies, phoning/texing other women, coming in at all hours, being uncontactable by phone, never thinking he has to tell me his plans, waking me up any time to let him in if he hasn't got a key with him. It feels like 80% at least of our interaction involves him asking for money and I can't stand it. The baby is due soon, and I feel like it will all drive me mad... I know a small baby is enough to cope with, without all this, and I so want to resolve things, and just have him gone.

Sorry for rant.

Ginny - well done you, really sounds like you've managed to move on.

hello everyone, how are you all?

WDWGFH, I'm so glad to hear you got support from Al-anon.

Princess, what are your options? I know you've said earlier in the thread, but I have a head like a sieve right now. From experiance, if you do have to go down the homeless route, it is easier before the baby is born!

At the moment, I am trying to get my head round his latest binge. for the last couple of weeks, he has been fairly sober, so I should have been ready for it, but I wasn't, and that made it worse. I hate him kicking off when the children are awake. Hate them being able to hear the shit he comes out with, them hearing him going on about how mummy is useless. They saw the violence, heard the threats. I was in the middle of cooking their tea, and had to switch it all off, and take them out. we ended up spending 2hours in macdonalds, as i walked down the road, i was wondering if i would ever return, it was spitting and i was hating myself for not being able to keep them dry and sheltered. now i am hating myself for not being brave enough to take that step. I sat there, the police station was across the road, we had to walk past it to get home but idiot her chickened. i thought only of the short term comfort of pleasing the little voices asking to go home to bed. We got home and there he was snoring on the sofa.

I had a counselling session today and near the end of it I was able to bring up a tiny part if this, and I couldn't help it, I could feel the tears. i am usually such a stiff upper lip person.i hate that i am so weak to keep my children in such a damaging environment.

Enough navel gazing. I do apologise for the random letting off of steam, but this is really the only place I can.

Whishing everyone a peaceful week

Princess - you are not crazy. Maybe you just arent' ready to make a move yet. I know how hard it is but stay strong and focus on yourself and your lo's for now. The time will come when you will be a lot stronger and you will tell him where to go, but it has to be when you are ready and at rock bottom with him.
Ready at you having to take the dc out to get away from him. You aren't weak, he is. You are doing the best you can for your dc. Let the tears come out in your counselling - that's what it is for. Don't bottle things up inside, its not good for you.
I'm not doing that well atm. I'm finding it so hard to completely let go. Some days I am fine and happy on my own, then others I get down and miss him and he always seems to call / pop round on those days and catch me on a downer. He's still drinking, although not as much, so I know there is no future, but I can't seem make that final cut yet, no matter how much I want to.

Ready

I feel for your children to be honest with you because they have a drunk and selfish father as a parent. This will damage them (not just to say you) emotionally the longer this goes on and they are learning all the time from you both. You need to find it within yourself to make choices that will benefit you and your children even if this does mean separating from your H. You are ultimately not responsible for your drunk husband. At the moment he is succeeding in dragging you all down with him.

You are seeking support through counselling for your own self and that is good but your children aren't having any counselling sessions and they actually have no voice. They have to go along with your decisions.

Don't bother trying to get your head around his latest binge because you will not succeed.

If you haven't contacted Al-anon also please do. Its for you as much as your children and I don't think for one minute you would want them to suffer any more than they already have to date.

Attila

Hi Ginnny

I personally think you have come a hell of a long way albeit with ups and downs like you are experiencing now. But by letting him go you also free yourself. I think you will be able to free yourself of him eventually but you need to keep working at all and not waiver in your resolve.

If he comes to the door don't answer it. He'll soon get the message. Put also a block against his number on your phone. That all sounds very hard (and I am well known for not pulling any punches!!) but you need to do that for your own sake and peace of mind.

I think you are grieving the end of this relationship hence the feelings of you missing him. He knows you have an emotional pull to him; he is playing on that and sees you also as his enabler. His primary relationship is still with drink.

He will likely as well never stop drinking completely. And I think that makes you feel very sad as this is someone else who you couldn't ultimately help (and not for want of trying). But he is not yours to try and save and or rescue. He has to want to help his own self without any imput from anyone else close to him.

Attila

BTW did you read the article in the Daily Express yesterday about the lady's relationship with her brother who himself became alcoholic. She could not help him even though she tried, he was not receptive to any help offered.

I agree Attila. Completely. And I have come a long way and my dc are benefitting so much from him not being around all the time. I am still just finding that final step a bit hard to take.
August is always a wobbly month for me as its my Dad's birthday and also the anniversary of his death so it always stirs up the memories and messes with my head.
I didn't expect to feel this way after the relief I felt that it was over when we got back off holiday. Its like I love him in spite of myself. I need to learn not to

bump
Hope everyone is OK.

Yes I'm fine, Ginnny.

Just been very busy with a friends wedding (DD was bridesmaid) and with DD starting school.

The madness continues here though; got back from the wedding to find that H had sold the dining room table & chairs but I managed to hold it all together and have a perfectly normal conversation....like he'd just put some rubbish out!! He'd even left 2 of the chairs for DD & I to use (with a table I already had). I had a suspicion that he'd start with that sort of nonsense because all his money has now gone. He is in arrears with the CSA (DD from previous marriage), and the table & chairs were bought with some compensation money after a car crash - so I've always classed them as being 'his'

Can't talk for a couple of days but will be back soon, promise! I have a weekend to myself so I'll be doing some clearing out of my own (like putting all his stuff into boxes....!).

Havnt read the whole thread, but I have a lot of repect for all of you. My ex was a gambler... I know its not like a drug addiction but that is what finally tore us apart. I was sick of the lies and his contant stealing... In the end I left him and me and the kids have a much better life now.

Hi everyone,
Princess Hobnob is leading a paralell life to me pretty much - everything that you've written is how things are in my life. We have a boy and a girl, two under two and he has a son from a previous relationship. His drinking and cocaine abuse is every weekend now, he's spent £1500 in the last 8 weeks up his nose. I;m on maternity leave as our little girl is 12 weeks old and feel trapped, resentful and no idea how to regain control on my life for my children. I've asked him to leave but he's says he can;t afford anywhere else - but he can afford to get us further into debt and risk losing our house. I love him but I want him away from me. He;s a fantastic father and loving husband when sober. I cannot walk away as the house and all debts are in my name. Anyone have any advice?? Thanks ladies x

Hi,

He is patently neither a fantastic father to his children or husband to you if he is choosing to continue putting his family unit at risk in such a manner. You're all currently being dragged down with him. He'll be more than happy to drag you all down with him as well.

You may love him but that will get more and more eroded over time as he continues to hurt you all. You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be saved.

You can seek legal advice from a Solicitor and get him out of your house that way - I am sorry to sound hard here but if he has nowhere to go that's his problem. Why can't he return to his parents home for instance?. He is not your respinsibility ultimately. You are only responsible for you and your children.

You cannot make him seek help for his drink and drugs problems - he has to want to do that for his own self. If he chooses not to then you need to make the choice.

What you are also doing currently is enabling him. You've bailed him out till now (this is enabling behaviour) and all that needs to stop forthwith - he needs to see the consequences of his actions. How much of your debt is actually due to his actions?.

This is no life for your children to witness either; they deserve better than to have a drunk and drug addled father in their lives on a daily basis. It will do them no good at all emotionally for them to see their Dad like this and they will not as adults thank you for staying with such a man if you were to choose to. They could actually also go onto think that you chose him over them.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - what are you both teaching your children currently?.

Hi Atillathemeerkat,
Thankyou for posting. Its good to hear that advice. Like I said I do love him but at the moment I can't 'warm' to him as I'm resentful of the situation he keeps putting me in. We had a bit of a row this morning as he owes near £500 and we have'nt even been paid yet! All down to him and he gets angry with himself and at me. A lot of our debt is down to his habit - he does'nt do it during the week really, mostly one binge night at weekend but the money has run out, cannot re-mortgage or get any more loans but it still hasn't sunk in for him. I can see that I'm the enabler as I've felt that he's allways sorry, crocodile tears after, but I dread every weekend as it brings more crap. TBH I think I know in my heart that we as a couple are finished as there is no trust or respect for me. I certainly don't want the children to witness the animosity between us anymore. I'm going to sit down tonight with him and lay it on the line. He's tried counselling which hasn't worked. I think he wants to stop but he's not willing to stop drinking which leads to the drugs. I'm dvastated that my marriage is all but over and the kids are going to not have daddy at home but I cannot live like this for much longer, its destroying me. Sorry to moan, its partly my fault due to letting him get away with it this long but I always had a soft dream that the family life he always craved would fullfill him. Thanks once again for your advice - food for thought

Hi Rosieroo08.
I can't really add much to Attilla's advice, but just want to say I know how you are feeling. Although my xp didn't use coke (to my knowledge although I had my suspicions) he has now lost his family and is trying to get us back, but until he stops drinking that won't happen and in my heart of hearts I know he never will.
Hope the talk goes ok tonight. You need to get him out of your house, maybe when he's lost everything and is not being cushioned by you he might wake up to himself and realise what he's done.
Good luck

Hello ladies,
Well, after the advice last week, I sat down with husband and broke down in tears saying that I couldn't do this anymore. I cried and so did my husband. We talked and he has vowed that it will not happen - period. For some strange reason, I beleive him. I may be stupid falling for the crocodile tears again, but I feel that he does want to quit. I'm putting my faith in him one last time, I just hope he can stay strong and appreciate what he has got to keep him focused. I went onto the FA website and is it me or does it seem that no addicts ever recover and lead 'normal' lives? Is there any hope to supporting a loved one from an addiciton into recovery? Do we, the family, have to dread every upcoming weekend or social occasion that could lead to them having a 'weak' moment? Sorry for all the questions, just curious to hear other peoples experiances.
Hope everyone is having a better week x x