SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Hi everyone, I'm back from the bestest break!! The sun shone for the whole of the 1st week @ mums - so we were on the beach with buckets & spades and had a wonderful time. And I feel really well re-charged .

My Decree Nisi came through last week and STBEH-Soon To Be Ex Husband-(just realised I'm sounding like Liz Jones out of the Mail On Sunday mag!!)still hasn't responded about the finances...so I'm meeting with my Sol. re: tactics 'cos I've decided that action is better than inaction. I've just had enough of all the fannying around - it's in his best interest to not respond, of course, but life (mine & DD's)has to carry on. We are in the real world, unlike him!

I've been catching up with everyone and I'm hoping that you are all managing to stay strong.

Ginnny is so right - everyone does indeed have a breaking point; but unfortunately for some it is after a very long time of unnacceptable behaviour. You have to be able to put the boundaries and the plans/coping strategies in place to deal with it, but as we all know - you are unable to do anything very much when you are living in the thick of the madness.

Reading back through the thread, I have got off very lightly compared to a lot of the other posters. All I can re-iterate is that no-one is alone in this mess, though I can understand that it is very easy to feel that way....

Hi SS - glad you had a better holiday than I did.
XP is trying to get back in my good books via the dc. He bought them some dvds yesterday and he's being very nice and helpful. I went out for a drink with a friend last night and left him and the dc with the dvd's which spoilt his plans somewhat!!

Hey all,

SS, Glad you had a good holiday, good luck with your tatics meeting.

Well done Ginny, don't let his grovelling wear you down.

The weekend here has been fairly quiet, as he had work over the weekend. I'm still struggling to batten down the emotions raised in Thursdays session, and don't quite know where my head is at. Atm he is being his nice self, but I have so much churning away I can't respond, so he is then gets huffy about and stomps to the offie...

I have been re-reading this, in an attempt to get myself together, for the LOs sake. I can't remember who did the original link earlier in the thread, but thank you.

Now to get through the next week. the last couple of weeks the work has dried up to thepoint where he's only able to get it at the weekends.

Of course you can't respond to him being nice when you know what is round the corner.
I used to find myself 'faking it' just to keep him happy so he wouldn't go on another binge but he ALWAYS did no matter what.
I feel for you, you will make the right decision when the time is right for you. Don't push yourself to act before you are ready or you will just backtrack when he turns on the charm.
I'm going to Al Anon tonight, not sure if I should keep on going or not now its over but I think I will for the time being, just to remind myself of what I'm up against.

Hi Ginnny - Good luck for tonight, though you will need to keep going even though it's over between you....you will soon understand why.

I'm amazed at how much you have grown since you started Al Anon, and it has only been a few weeks!! Could you imagine yourself writing what you've just written 3 months ago?

Hi RFAC - Your P will be like an octopus...you never know which tentacle will be trying to wrap itself around you next! At least he is still working (just about!). In the meantime, you need to protect yourself & the DC. That link is a very useful one - keep reading and re-reading when you feel yourself weakening.

How many more counselling sessions are you able to have? Can you make some enquiries about Al Anon so you can use the counselling time for them when it ends? You so need Al Anon....
Keep strong,
SSX

Time to stop lurking - it's been months now reading this thread and not having the courage to post, but reading your comments has kept me company somehow, so... Hi to all!

My DH is an alcoholic and it's now over 10 years leaving in a downward spiral. Funny how everytime I think we've reached rockbottom, the floor is again pulled from under my feet. Our DS is 2.5 and I cannot bear the idea that one day, one day soon, he's going to realise what I really mean when I tell him "papa is poorly". I've seen first hand how it's affected 2 DDs, now 22 and 17 from a previous relationship, I don't want DS damaged too, but he is going to be, no matter what! I am SO sad, SO angry, SO trapped! How did we end up here?

Hi SnowieBear. Sorry you are going through it too.
I know what you mean about thinking you've hit rock bottom then you fall a bit further.
Glad you've found this thread helpful, have you tried Al anon. I know we bang on about it a lot on here but it really does help.

Hello everybody, hoping that someone's online tonight. I'm feeling so low, if other, non al-anon aware, people knew the thoughts going through my mind, they would thought of me as pathetic. Pull yourself together, woman! and all that nonsense.

I know that, one day at a time, it's just a bad few days, but the dark clouds have descended and I'm feeling slightly unprepared. It's been a while.

I feel on the sideways, I don't have to justify myself or my actions any more and somehow, this makes me feel remote. Too long I've said, I'm a child of an alcoholic, this might explain why I'm the way I am and I'm living with an alcoholic.

I don't do that anymore and I don't know if I'm this single mum, early thirties, life is ahead, right?, joigning so many groups I feel I'm reinvinting myself which each new person I talk to.

Or maybe I'm just struggling with giving up the fags and the run in a few weeks...

Anyway, I hope this doesn't annoy anyone who's still living with the alcoholic. I don't like navel grazing too much but I know it does help me.

Love to all of you.

Hi WDWGFH. Sorry you are feeling so down, your last post was so positive. Maybe thats the problem, the initial euphoria has worn off a bit and you have come back down to earth with a hefty bump!
I think I know how you feel. I skipped my Alanon meeting this week, because it got too late and the dc were playing up and I was starting to think I don't need to go any more as we've split up, but whoever I'm with I'll always be the daughter of an alcoholic, but I don't want to be defined by that for my whole life.
I wish I'd gone now, as it does seem to make me feel calmer.
I'm fairly new to Al anon, so I don't really know what to say to you. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. Do you have a sponsor you can call for some support?
Keep your chin up - you've gone through the hardest part already.
And I know its not the done thing on here but what the heck, I'm sending you a
(((((((HUG)))))))

PS Well done giving up the fags - I'm still struggling with that one

hey all, and welcome Snowiebear.

Carry on naval gazong if it helps you WDWGFH, it's always good when trying to order thoughts. Hope you're feeling a little more positive.

Never mind about the fags Ginny, you've given up a far more damaging aspect of your life. one step at a time

Don't quite know how to put this, but I'm kinda on edge, as the binge I was expecting at the beginning of the week hasn't happened. Feels like a waiting game. And yes, I think I already full of resentment atm.

In a perverse way I'm looking forward to my next session, in 'scab picking' kinda way. there's an awful lot bubbling under the surface, and I've had to shut down just to cope and get through the days. I'm still struggling to process the recent past, although I've managed to create coherant thought, getting them outside my head, and admitting the shit I've had to put up with when he is drunk is going to be bloodty hard.

Better go. House is a tip, I can't be arsed, but I'd better do something cos that is often a 'reason' for giving shit once drunk, and I expect he will drink today.

Hi R4AC.
It's like sitting on a time bomb isn't it. You know its going to happen, you just don't know when and how bad it will be, but you can bet your life that every time it will be a bit worse than the last
I'm really not coping very well. Its the same old calm after the storm situation when the anger dies down and I start feeling low and missing the good stuff we had.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going back there but its left me feeling a bit empty. I hate my life.
The only good thing in it are my boys.

sorry you're feeling down, I know that empty feeling. Tell me about your boys?

Remember the empty feeeling you had even during the good bits. the walking on eggshells, the waiting for the next storm. the inability to share you thoughts, having to watch what you said all the time in case you said something that was twisted and used against you.

Shit, why am I still here? Why am I continuing to subject my children to this. It's even worse now ds is old enough to pick up on the different moods, dd1 is also beginning to pick up on them too. be proud of yourself for getting out.

Our lives will get better, they have to. Karma, surely?

You are right, I'm looking back with the rose coloured goggles on. For every good memory there is at least one bad one and for every good thing he did I paid for it big time.
I don't know why I feel so bad today, maybe because the boys stayed at my Mums last night, it gave me a break, but I do miss them, and I had to take my car for its MOT this morning and I'm scared it won't pass and will cost me a fortune which I haven't got. That's the worse thing about being single, having to do car stuff alone, I always feel sure I'm going to get ripped off just for being female!
My boys are fab, they are 8 and 5 and the absolute loves of my life. I must keep reminding myself that I am doing this for them, so they can have a good childhood with happy memories and not the one that I had, full of fear and confusion.
You are right it must get better.

Just seen your pics R4AC - your kids are beautiful (especially love the little feet!)

Bless, thanks Ginny! I do usually namechange, just in case as I have a rl friend who mns and I'd be a bit if she knew the shit I have at home. I guess I just forgot, my head isn't quite my own atm.

How are you today? Did the car pass?

The binge that I was waiting for seems to have begun. So far only twattish behaviour, he's not really been foul or violent, and hasn't really been (violent) since june.

Where are we now? ok, so today is sunday, Thurs he helped next door with the delivery of their hottub, and the binge began (esp given that next door gave him a case of stella as a thank you). Friday came and he spent the day drinking. come the evening next door invited us to have a dip in their tub (which was FAB!!!) but that involved a couple of bottles of wine, and really between the two men, as we both have small babies, so about 10.30 I heard dd2 on the listener so went to deal with her, dh followed a bit later, he was quite pissed by this point to the point of slurring which takes a lot. By all accounts he was so pissed he missed the step and went arse over tit out -the side is about 3'6"high!!! he however has no real recollection of it though

Saturday lunchtime the older 2 were playing lots of loud music with various musical instruments and he decided, after lots of hair of the dog to cut the hedges, with a petrol driven hedgetrimmer. I am shocked he still has all his fingers, limbs and both eyes.

As I type he is in the bath snoring. the dcs are all aslepp and I am going to indulge myself in one of my crafty activities that always piss him off. I'm not usually so upbeat, I just hope my mood doesn't come crashing down, or that he kicks off again. I guess it's that feeling of relief, I'm no longer waiting for it all to kick off.

WDWGFH I am so sorry to hear about your mother, it must have been a dreadful shock. Be gentle with yourself. r4ac xx

R4ADC. I hope he sleeps it off and it will end there. I remember the feeling of dread the next morning when you know they are going to top up, and I always found those days worse than the day before.
Well my car failed but its all done now, cost me £166 (ouch!). Thank god for the credit card!
He's being nice to me again, which in a way is worse than the crazy nasty stuff. It makes me forget how bad he is for a while, but not for long, the memories are still fresh from holiday.
The dc are away for a week soon with their dad, and I'm going to miss them so much. I know he'll try and catch me when I'm vulnerable so I'm going to try and keep as busy as I can and avoid him.
Don't know whats worse, drunk and hateful or sober and nice which is dangerous as it ends up reminding me of why I love him.
Hope you have a good week

Have just read your other thread WDWGFH - I'm so terribly sorry.
I'll be thinking of you this week.

Hi ladies, I hope the weekend was bearable. Apologies for not responding to your kind welcome, I am a bit restricted on access. Home is a no-no, and at work I only have limited time at lunch to catch up with all manner of things.

Ginny, yes, I've thought about Al-Anon, but my closest meeting is not particularly local and timing is dreadful. I'd have to leave DH to look after DS at bedtime - sorting him out, stories, etc. and at that time of the evening, God knows how DH will be, or for that matter, where! Right now, I'm trying the DIY approach by following up some of the links posted here and trying to regain some sanity... Repeat after me: detachment!

DH seems to have the detachment thing to a T... not his problem how his actions may affect others' feeling, couldn't be held responsible/accountable and, after all, he is not hurting anyone, is he? "What have I done wrong now?" Anyone who thinks 24/7 solid drinking is "right", please let me know...

Must dash now, back to the grind at work... Big hugs to all, and keep up keeping up!

Hi ginnny,

Attila here.

Hmmm, I see that his behaviour on holiday was par for the course. He's a disgrace, am surprised he was not arrested. These people will also drag down anyone unfortunate enough to be associated with them.

I personally would have flung the DVDs he bought your children (he's a one isn't he?) back at him and told him to no longer blight your lives further or darken your door again. But that's just me.

"The dc are away for a week soon with their dad, and I'm going to miss them so much. I know he'll try and catch me when I'm vulnerable so I'm going to try and keep as busy as I can and avoid him".

Well you need to remember as well that he can be extremely persuasive. Resist him. Give him his marching orders pronto. Do keep busy and do avoid the drunk at all costs.

"Don't know whats worse, drunk and hateful or sober and nice which is dangerous as it ends up reminding me of why I love him".

Do you still "love" this guy, love should not be such hard bloody work honestly.

This is how your Dad likely was too, you were likely always trying to seek his approval and to get him to stop drinking. Your Dad in particular imparted you with some very damaging lessons.

I thought you were going to finish with him for good once you returned from holiday or have I missed something? (I ask this as have been on holiday for the last couple of weeks).

Keep going to the al-anon meetings. They will keep you strong too.

You don't need to sacrifice your future happiness and by turn that of your children in order to try and save someone who does not want to be saved.

Attilla I have finished with him for good. Problem is he lives in the same road as me, and manages to be around everytime I come out of my front door. I've changed the locks though and given all his stuff back so he has no reason to come here again.
Don't worry, I'm not going back to him. EVER!!!
Al anon is proving very hard to get to in the school hols. Monday is my day off and I take the dc out for the day so we usually get back late and by the time I've done tea, bath and bed its too late to go and I'm exhausted. I'll go next week as they are away then they are back at school 2 weeks after that anyway.

Attila,

Sorry if I'm butting in, but it isn't easy to switch it off. The love, I mean. I don't think for a moment any of us "love" the abusive, violent, spaced-out, booze-dependent chap. But we certainly loved the person they were before they became the person they are now.

It's a massive feeling of loss, like being widowed, but only you knows it's happened. I think Ginny is mourning too, but what do I know? It must be so difficult to see him day in and day out, not having an option... I'm so sorry, Ginny, I'd find it unbearable.

I would have done anything for the person DH was and would never, ever given up on him. Regrettably, he is not that man anymore, but I can help but thinking he is hidden in there, and that one day he may be back, in his own time. No loyalty towards the drunk, just stewarding the shell so that my old soul mate can find something not too damaged to return to.

Thinking, feeling like this, I'm sure I've made a rod for my own back over the years, so you'll be well within your right to tell me off - gently, please .

This weekend I put my cards on the table and asked him in all seriousness to leave for good. I meant it, and I know he knows I did. I told him why exactly life cannot carry on this way for DS and I, and that if he wanted to be a part of our lives at all, it was still in his hands. He has decided to go back into residential treatment - local authority has a waiting list, I guess we'll find out today when he's likely to be admitted.

Feeling numb, overtired. Still at the start of another bloody long road.

Thanks Snowiebear - you'll get used to Attilla, she's the tough one who doesn't pull any punches!!!
You are right, it is unbearable living so close to him but I have no choice. Its worse when I see him sober and nice, when he's rolling up the road drunk I just think "Thank God he's not coming here!". I do know that I can't ever go back or the last few months will have been for nothing.
Well done for asking him to leave, stick to your guns though and try not to back down, ultimatums never work unless they are carried through (I've learnt that the hard way )
I hope he gets into rehab sooner rather than later for all your sakes.
x

Hi everyone.
Have just been directed to this thread after I started a thread about my husbands drinking.

I have read a few of the posts and it's like "oh my god,I could have written that"

The working out of when you think the next binge will be,the name calling,jekyll and hyde charecter ,the comfort eating etc etc.

Will read through some more and if it's ok with everyone come back to this thread tomorrow.