SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

hey everyone, how are you all doing?

So pleased to hear you're getting your life together WDWGFH, it gives us all hope.
Like the new name Ginny.

I got ds's new sweaters for the autumn term on wed, it was a real struggle not to burst into flooods as I thought will he ever get a chance to wear them? I sat in the tots group for u3s that his school run making plans for the autumn term wondering if I was making these plans only to let everyone down by going. Letting them down or not, if we have to go, then we will.

I decided against applying for the general housing register. I weighed it up after the phone call to WA and came to the conclusion that when I go it will probably be after one of his heavy drinking sessions, in which case the more anon the location, and the more help i have at the time the better. I started getting all emotional again, over the really pathetic things, like I would have to leave behind posessions, but they are just that, posessions, what would be important if(when?) the time came would be leaving safely, with minimum harm and upset and impact on the dcs.

I thik I am moving into a different headspace, one where I am beginning to accept that at some point there is a good chance that we will be going. whether it would be temp or perm remains to be seen.

We had quite a good weekend, he didn't kick off! I thought he had begun to cut down on the quantity of beer, but instead of 4/5 normal tins after work he is getting 1 tin of the strong stuff and 2 normal, and telling me he's cutting down- 'only 3 tins, congratulate me for being a good boy' It really is such a strong compulsion, and once again, you are so right Atilla, the beer comes first and second. He is so sunk in denial, yet deep down I suspect he does know. We watched casualty, and he asked me the background on one of the storylines, and got a bit shirty as I explained (related to an alcoholic stopping suddenley, drank roughly the same in units as dh)

So, the plan is slowly coming together. I am gathering paperwork into one file to be grabbed in an emergency. Don't know what I'd do about the cars, atm he drives my little hatch and I drive the mummymobile which is in his name- leave both I guess. I darent pack a bag in case it is found, but know from packing for our weekend away I can do all 4 of us in 30 mins. And, most importantly I am getting my head ready for it. i will keep trying, keep banging my head against a brick wall, but in a way I'm not any more. Drink your beer. pickle your liver. just go and sleep it off, and don't snore.

Atilla- I 'escaped' from the council offices because they are the only pushchair accessible toilets in town, once dd gets in there, I might as well put the kettle on

Hi everyone. R4AC hope you are OK.
Well I've finally ended it once and for all with P after he spent most of our 3 year anniversary in the pub
Got to put up with him on holiday worse luck but after that its a clean slate for me and I'm moving on.
Looking at house exchanges too so I can get right away from him.
Strangely enough, this time I just feel relief, I'm a bit sad of course but the man I loved has gone now, and been replaced by this hideous alcoholic.
I'm going to keep up with AlAnon for as long as I can though, I need to work through my issues about my dad and find out why I end up being attracted to the wrong type of man.
Hope all of you have a nice quiet weekend without any dramas.

ginnny

I hope you can stand firm now. I don't think you had any other choice but to end it but you needed to do that in your own time.

If you cannot take his name off the booking have as little to do with him as possible on holiday.

Re your comment:-
"I need to work through my
issues about my dad and find out why I end up being attracted to the wrong type of man"

I would seriously consider having some counselling for your own self. BACP have a list of registered counsellors. I think this issue is infact one and the same; I understand your Dad was himself an alcoholic parent. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Do keep up the Al-anon meetings.

With best wishes

Attila x

Thanks Attilla. The difference this time is I just feel completely relieved like a weight has been lifted.
I have had such fantastic support from friends over the last few days (both rl and on here) and I know I am very lucky.
I will try and avoid contact with him on holiday, which will be tough, I must protect myself from the inevitable charm offensive
Unfortunately, now I can't afford counselling, I've looked into BACP before and their charges are way out of my reach.
I will keep on with Alanon as I'm sure it is helping me, who knows maybe it is Alanon that gave me the strength to end it this time?

Hi G - I am saddened to hear that your P has gone into free-fall; I did have hope (as I'm sure you did) that he would start trying to sort himself out once you started Al Anon. That he would change because you were starting to.

But at least you are making an informed decision to end it - I know only too well where you are coming from from that score.

But you are ultimately doing the right thing Now - it looks as though he really doesn't want to even try to make it work out.

Do keep going to Al Anon - is there anyone there that could be your sponsor in case of emergency back-up?

RFAC - You are going to get lots of strength from us all - you can do it!!

Hope everyone else is ok!

SSX

Hi SS. I haven't seen or heard from him since yesterday when he stumbled past my living room window looking very drunk and grumpy . I went out with some friends last night and bumped into a few of his friends so they will have told him I was out by now. I think that will have annoyed him, but its tough!
I've been quite down today and not looking forward to tomorrow, I just hope the weather is nice so I can take the dc out. I seem to be OK as long as I can get out of the house, as I'm always on edge here wondering if he's going to walk past or knock on the door.
I don't know if there is a sponsor at Alanon, there are only a few members who go every week, most weeks I have been there have been more newcomers than 'oldies'.
RFAC - hope you are doing OK and managing to have a good weekend.

bump!
How is everyone?

hello everyone, how are you all?

Ginny, are you able to get funding towards amy counselling sessions? might be worth asking your local family centre or health visitor. Just a thought, as I get my sessions through a local charity which helps parents with children under 2, and I might be able to get funding towards dd1 attending pre-school in Sept so I can continue to go without her.

I've had a quiet couple of weeks, partly I think because he has worked overtime the last couple of saturdays, and saturday is the day he will usually (but not always) get bladdered and kick off. When he has got drunk, I've managed to manipulate the situation so he ends up asleep- he was in the bath for over 5 hours last sun.
I'm not really looking forward to this weekend, as he is off, ds finishes school tomorrow, and is tired and foul, and I just know they will clash, and he will kick off, it will be my fault because I spoil ds. I believe that line less and less.

One thing I have noticed recently, is that although he is constantly going on about how everything [the stuff that quite obvioously isn't] must be his fault, he seems incapable of taking any responsibility for anything within the house that he ought to iyswim. just an observation really.

plus [rant alert] he'd prefer me to wear long skirts because knowing about the state of my leg makes him feel bad enough, without it being visable. bloody f**king cheek.

So, I am still here. why can I not make that break? I guess my head just isn't quite ready. I know his behaviour when drunk is appauling and really quite scarey, but I still buy into the I really love you talk, although with an internal feeling. maybe because the rest of my life is comfortable, and I have a fledgling daytime social life. better the devil I know perhaps?

pondering over. fingers crossed the weekend is quiet. I see my counsellor tomorrow, which explains the reflective mood

Hope everyone else is keeping well and safe and happy

RFADC-You would so benefit from Al Anon....read how Ginnny has been progressing with it!

Hope that everyone else is keeping well. I'm about to go away with DD for 2/52 so won't be around much - if at all!

So, hang in there if you are feeing down....it really does get better .

Still waiting for word about what H wants by way of settlement - was sincerely hoping that it would be sorted by now at latest but now we are hitting holiday time so there will be fewer staff to be dealing with my case (ggrrrr!).

SSx

Hi R4AC - I might look into that when I get back off holiday. about your dh wanting you to hide your leg - they never like to see the consequences of their actions do they.
Take each day as it comes this weekend. Do you have anywhere you can go if he does kick off again? If so, pack a bag and hide it away so if it looks like its going to get nasty just walk away. HOpe you don't need to though.
My (now ex) P is still being vile - I got called a whore the other day for questioning something on the credit card bill. All the Alanon stuff went out the window I'm afraid and I went mental at him.
I'm still going to Alanon, although I couldn't face it this week, I felt like I'd talked about and thought about nothing else for days and days and just wanted a break from it all. I wish I'd gone now though because I didn't handle it well when he kicked off at me. I find it gives me a sort of inner strength to deal with his outbursts. I can't explain it really.
Have a good holiday SS and hope it all gets sorted nice and quickly when you get back.

Hey Ginny, that 'w' word. I have heard it so many times myself. and the rest.
It is also so true how they hate hearing and seeing about their actions and the consequences. He likes to bring up my past from long before he met me, yet if I mention his behaviour from a few days/weeks before I'm chucking sand in his face.

Looks like it could be a very long weekend, as he got home at lunchtime, turns out he's been laid off along with several others due to this credit crunch recession. Doesn't surprise me, this last couple of weeks he's been home early. So, he's back to casual work with a previous employer. Thank God his drinking has never affected him working, and he has a good reputation. I'd be the first to report him if I thought he was a danger though, even if the consequences meant he was unable to work and was then at home all day.

I guess that is partly why few people know anything about his drinking and only one in rl knows about his behaviour.

On a practical note, I have a fledgling escape plan. I daren't pack a bag in case it would be found. I do know that I can pack the essentials very quickly. With 3 under 5 having to walk away would be an operation, but if needs be I would walk away with nothing and return later for the essentials with protection.

I looked into Al-anon a few weeks ago after reading the posts about how helpful they were, and while there is a lunchtime session in my area the logistics of attending would be a nightmare. Currently I already have dd1 looked after by a friend while I see my counsellor, I would feel very uncomfortable asking her to have both dd1 and 2, and potentially collect ds from school as it is a 12 mile drive away. It is something to keep in the back of my mind, possably when they are bigger.

Hope you both have a fab holiday SS.

R4AC,

Please don't wait to go to a meeting till they're older. The damage is being done to you all now. If the logistics of getting to a meeting is impossible you can always phone them.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year)
Fax: 020 7378 9910

So he doesn't like to see your leg is he, the one he hurt?.. They often refuse to see the consequences of their actions (and they are also in denial); my H's relation X tried to run away when his drunk driving caused a fatal car accident.

It did not really surpries me to read that few people know what he's likes. Alcoholism is often surrounded by secrecy and a sense of shame amongst family members of the alcoholic.

Am really pleased to see that you have a fledgling escape plan - I think that before long you will need to put that into place.

The longer you continue to stay, the more everyone around him will get emotionally harmed. You cannot leave such an awful legacy to your young children. You are only responsible to your own self and to your children as they have no voice - not him.

Hi R4AC - how was the weekend?
Mine was Ok, saw him a few times but kept him very much at arms length, went to a BBQ yesterday which he was at, left at 8.00 then woke up at 3 this morning to find him hammering my door down looking for cigarettes. I was furious. Luckily he didn't wake the dc, they were so tired after running around at the BBQ all day that they slept through it all.
He's drunk again (or still drunk!) today and in the bloody pub.
I am starting to hate him, which is a good thing as there is no chance of a reconcilliation, but I just hope he isn't too bad on holiday. I have reassured his dd that I will be there for her whatever happens and we'll have a good time, but he's so unpredictable atm, who knows what we'll have to put up with.
I've got Alanon tonight, but I'm so tired after a sleepless night I'll probably end up nodding off

Ginnny

Your family could well be in for a bumpy ride with him when you go on holiday; my only counsel if you really can't take his name off the booking is to leave him on his own as much as possible. If he gets arrested on holiday or gets drunk in public do not make excuses for him or bail him out!.

I do not honestly think a family holiday whereby his family do not want to be with him will change his attitude at all.

How is he going to be at all capable of packing a case or remembering when to go on holiday?.

From what I've read recently when this man is not drinking in the pub he's being verbally abusive towards you.

Presumably as well he knocked at your door because he now has no-one else he can turn to. I hope you sent him packing sharpish.

I wish you well with your Al-anon meeting this evening.

Don't worry Attilla I sent him off with a few choice words!
I am taking your advice. What he gets up to when he gets off the plane is up to him. I'm going to make sure the dc have a fantastic time.
Once the holiday is over I wash my hands of him, I really do.
I'm starting to hate him.

Well I've just been to my Alanon meeting and I feel so much better for it. I really do recommend it to everyone on here.
The topic was taking one day at a time and not getting caught up with worrying about "what ifs", which was perfect for me!
So I've decided to enjoy spending time with my boys, and take each day as it comes and whatever he does is down to him.
BUT it is definitely definitely over when we come back .

hello everyone, how was your week?

Last weekend was not as bad as I had feared, he did get rather drunk Sat, but was not very foul, and allowed himself to be manipulated into a bath where he slept it off. He has said it's not such a shock as he'd seen it coming, and it wasn't just him, plus the way his boss had handled it. Not making excuses, just relieved that this tiome it isn't being seen as a personal attack. He does at east have the casual work available, and this employer has said he can keep him busy until sept, and take him on if anyone leaves. at least we're not in the s**t moneywise.

I did manage to have a talk with him last night, since he went back to the other employer (lets call them P's) his drinking has reduced, and I suspect he's a bit happier. He admitted to me that he gave himself a big scare back in June when he hurt my leg, which I had suspected, because at the time his face had gone white when he realised what he's done, and he just left the room when I told him to go

But where do I go from here? If things can be patched up, if this time he really is getting his arse in gear? Yesterday with the counsellor has left me with a couple of questions that I want to ask him, but atm I am finding it difficult to have deep and meaningful conversations, I am so scared with leaving myself vunerable to having my words twisted and used against me.

On a more cheerful note... In response to his 'we never go out as a couple' I have a babysitter booked and am trying to convincce dd2 that ebm is not poison, then he watches the m&s ad 'eat out at home for £10' and suggests that we get some posh m&s food and cancel the babysitter We are going out, in town, so I can walk home if he behaves like an arse.

Ginny, you will be in my thoughts while you are away. I really hope you have a good time and he keeps out of the way. With any luck he'll turn up at the airport too drunk to fly

Well he made it to the airport, and so far he's been good as gold.
Tonight he is going to a party at his friend's house and asked us to come too but I said no as I know it will be a drunken affair and the last thing I want is to be trying to phone a taxi from out in the sticks somewhere in the middle of the night with the kids in tow. So I'm letting him have a night out, just hope it ends tonight and he doesn't top up tomorrow.
Even if he does, I'll take the dc to the beach and leave him to it.
I am having a great time with the boys and his dd - its gorgeous weather and the pool is lovely.

Hope you enjoyed your night out btw

Hello everybody,

A quick note to tell you that I will be running for Refuge in September, there are a few places left if you're tempted.

The entry system closes on 8 August or earlier if the entry limit is reached?and the Hyde Park event in particular is filling fast. If you?re keen to take part, please sign up today at www.womenschallenge.co.uk and select REFUGE from the drop down list of charities when you register.

Reading this thread made choosing this charity a no brainer really. When there's alcohol abuse, violence is never really far.

Hope that you're all well and keep strong!

wow WDWGFH, that is impressive, I have become so unfit since having children. Good luck for the run.

How is/was the holiday Ginny? I have been thinking of you, and hoping you're able to enjoy your break.

Our night out went ok, in that he didn't get very drunk, and 'behaved' himself. It's worse than having a toddler at times! However since being laid off again he's only really managed to obtain weekend work, so he'd been on a 3day binge monday, tuesday and wednesday. At one point in the garden calling me useless, stupid etc etc. Oh, and I've become a lesbian. Apparantly.

Anyway, he appears to go in 2 week cycles. this week he's not been too bad, but I've kinda been dealing with the after effects of last week, iykwim. Does anyone else find that, after their dp has had their binge, the reality of the shit you've had to deal with hits a few days later.

Anyway, todays counselling session has finished me off mentally, so I think I will eat ice cream and try to tidy my brain

Hope everyone is keeping strong and is ok.

Holiday was crap. I'm glad to be back and rid of him for good.
He went on an enormous bender on the second Friday night and ended up locking us all out of the hotel room, taking all the money off me and the vile insults that came out of his mouth were the worst yet. He made my ds1 and his dd cry, and it was like living with a psycho.
I've had enough. He's on his own now. I'm not putting my dc through what he put his dd through.
I have stopped feeling anything for him. I do still care for him in some way, but the more I see of this monster he becomes, the more I am starting to hate him.
R4AC - I've been called a lesbian (usually when I won't sleep with him) a whore a c**t and a lot more besides. I do sympathise, it takes so long to get back to anything resembling normality after a bender that by the time you relax they are gearing up for the next one.
Its a horrible rollercoaster and I'm getting off!!!

He just keeps sinking to new depths doesn't he? How are your dcs and his dd now? Did you all get home ok?

I think living with an addict is like living with a jekyll and hyde character tbh. Rollercoaster is also an excellant way to describe it. I too have been called worse, just found the lesbian concept amusing in a weird way.

My head is struggling tonight. I am forcing myself to acknowledge I am having problems with the whole 'past acts forgotton about' front I normally have up, and have realised I'm actually bloody angry about a lot of the things he's said and done to me. Don't quite know what to do about it though. I forsee a lot of comfort eating these next fews days.

All these past acts will build up and feed the resentment you feel towards him, and one day he will do something so awful and unforgivable you will just say "enough is enough" and that will give you the strength to act.

You only have to look back through this thread to see how much crap we've all put up with, but everyone has their breaking point. He pushed me to mine on holiday, but it took a long long time to reach it.

Hope you manage to have a good weekend!