SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

That's me - always looking after everyone else
I'll look at the website - thanks.
... and thanks but you can keep your IL's - my own cause me more than enough grief for one lifetime!!!

GU - I am so sorry that I have upset and offended you by my earlier posting; that truly was not the intention.

Reading back though, I had intended to put in the word 'perhaps' but re-reading it with 'perhaps' in it, well I don't think that it would have made any difference. It still comes accross as being very personal and presumptive and for that I am truly sorry. You have every right to be very angry with me.

I do only know the you that has been posting on MN, since the start of this thread - and you have alluded to an awful lot of intolerable behaviour that has happened to you, past and present.

However, one of your very recent postings sums it all up:

"The truth is that even if I never saw him or his dd again I will always have issues with drinking because of my childhood"

Those are the issues that only you can deal with when the time is right - I'm not just thinking of your childhood here but that of your P's daughter too....; yes, maybe me taking presumptiveness a step too far, but equally writing as someone who does also care about anyone who has to endure/learn to deal with such awfulness as yourself.

For what it is worth, I do not write as the D of an alcoholic - I never got to find out what my biological father was like as he died before I could find him. My 'documented' father (I have his name on my birth cert. - it was he who died in Feb.) wasn't an alcoholic. But my maternal grandfather & grandmother were alcoholics..... I write this because I don't want you to think that I am using personal experience as a motive to say what I did (if that makes sense!).

No probs SS - I just get very protective of my relationship with his dd. She is the closest thing I've got to a dd of my own and I put her first with my own dc.
Last week I felt like I was being pulled in all directions, scared of letting anyone down but not taking care of my self which is what I always do.
This week I am more on top of things - the sunny weather helps no end too.
Hope everyone else on here is bearing up!

Interesting what you write about his daughter.

I am wondering if you are also seeing your own self in her when you were that age; after all she is going through the same sort of stuff as you did (she also having an alcoholic father) when you were younger. Am certain as well that she is just as confused, frightened, angry and bewildered as you likely were at that age. Small wonder therefore you relate.

It will likely remain thus, however, will she d'you think be willing to talk to NACOA or Al-ateen?. She needs outside support as well as you. Not suggesting at all by the way that you're not up to it, no not at all but she could really do with professional support as well (like you hopefully get by going to the Al-anon meetings).

Yes I have suggested Alateen to her when I told her about me going to Alanon. I don't think she's ready to go yet though. I said I'd go with her when (if) she wants to go.
You are right in that I see myself in her, but she's a lot tougher than I was and has a wonderfully mature outlook for such a young girl.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen/newcomerInfo.asp

This young lady may find this page helpful too. Would you show it to her?. They also write leaflets for young people.

Poor kid, she has had to grow up likely way too fast because of an alcoholic parent. I take it as read that she is still living with her Dad.

I think there are many parallels between her situation and your own. I am only sorry that you had seemingly not received support from an organisation like Alateen when you were younger because I think it would have helped you immensely.

with best wishes

Attila

I will show it to her. Thank you.

Hello all, How is everyone?

I'm just trying to sort my head out atm, I am normally at my counselling session but this week she is away, I have a curious sense of loss if that makes sense.

We're currently in the apologetic stage of the cycle. I used to hope that this time he might really make the break, but recently I have become more accepting that this is who he is now. Doesn't stop me grieving over the man I met and married, but I am slowly accepting I cannot change him, I cannot undo the damage caused by his viscious [sp?] mother and crap upbringing.

I really don't know what to do for the best. The thought of what emotional damage is being caused to the children during his strops chills me, but on the other hand most of the time is is great with them, doing lots and just being with them which they love. I don't want them to grow up without a father like the latter.

I don't know. That thing on detachment was really good, I printed it out, and keep reading it in the hope that the more I refer to it the more it will sink in. I am getting a little better at not responding to his foul behaviour, but it is so difficult. We managed to have quite a productive conversation recently, and he acknowledged he is drinking too much but his head is still deep in denial.
He is struggling to acknowledge that he means his violence at the time it occurs, denial again. However [optomistic fool] I am hoping he has taken on board that he really has to get his act together, after last time he realised what had happened [I think he has a partial blackout/ changed his memory] and was really shocked with the consequences. Short term he appears to be getting his act together, when I thought he was about to kick off he realised too, and went out on his bike instead. Quite probably to the offie, but in a way I don't care, it was out, and defused the situation somewhat.

Not really needing an answer in any form, just good to get my thoughts out. Off to tidy this dump before ds gets home, I felt so much more opositive after scrubbing the floors the other day

H & DD are away at his parents for the w/end because I am going out to an eve. wedding reception tonight. I can put my hand on my heart and swear that I cannot remember the last time I had an eve. out with my mates - how sad is that?

Really didn't feel like going but went and got hair done yesterday in the hope that it would get me into the mood for it! Am tidying up inbetween watching the tennis as I have a friend staying overnight.

So today I do feel more up to going out now. I can't believe that I would rather have had an eve. in on my own. I suppose it's the consequence of having no time to myself at home, so I would rather savour the tranquility than 'waste' it by going out!

Hope everyone else is ok...

Ok, so I think he has blown it, I need to now be making steps to get my dcs out of here. I have held on because ds is happy at nursery, although v anxious about going up, and because in all we have a fairly comfortable life, but dh's strop this afternoon has shown me that this is not the childhood I want my children to have. I should be angry, sad and whatever, but right now I am exhausted from trying to hold everything toghther, and feel incrediably numb.

On Mon I must:
-Grow some balls and not wuss out of these steps
-Get a housing form from the council and try and go back on their list as just myself and the dc's. I have been homeless once before, I would rather avoid putting the dc's through that if poss.
-phone womens aid for advice. Scarey scarey step.
-see if I can report his last attack on me a fortnight ago, so it is on file but he is unaware atm if I make sense. Even scarier step.

and bloody that they had to witness/experiance his behaviour today. Am very sad and scared about what the next few months have to hold.

((((((RFADC)))))) Right, do you have anyone else you can go to in an emergency - say for example, he kicked off again this eve?

You must ring WA tomorrow, they will give you all the advice you need to help get you out and keep you all safe. You must do this.

You can ring Al Anon for advice until you are able to get yourself to a regular meeting - you are in crisis and you need help now.

You have got to do this, please please do this. You are going to irreperably (sp)damage your DC's if they see your H treating you like that again.

Don't be thinking about what may/may not happen in the next few months - you need to be thinking and acting Now. I know you are worried about changing nurseries etc. but the damage caused by staying in what you're having to deal with now will have far (more) reaching consequences for you DC's than a change of nursery.

Please keep in touch.

SSX

No, I have nowhere to go in an emergancy.

Was feeling strong this morning at church, dc's acted up like crazy cos last night was traumatic for them iykwim. I was beginning to be lulled into a false sense of security with his beginning to creep this evening, but my leg has been aching on and off all day, and I'm pissed off with it. Normally I can predict the evening, but we had gone away for the weekend, ds was bouncing cos he was excited and woke his lordship up. And because we were in one room, it was harder to keep safe. at least ds appears to have no memory of that night. After that he was told one last chance, stop drinking, seek help for the temper, because although you are v sorry now, at the time you wanted to cause pain, and his memory of what happened is foggy to say the least, but he can state with certainty that I provoked. Fecking bollocks.

Am really cross and sad that I am in the position of having to plan a move. Not sure how I'll manage it. first steps first I guess, get back on the housing list. We have choice based lettings here, so hopefully I can persuade the council to put me in band A (urgent need ie homeless) although I suspect they will try and fob me off with band B.

Am very nervous about tomorrow. My head space has change, it is no longer a last resort, but something I have to begin putting into place in case he doesn't address these issues. I left him a printout from the respect website on how abouse affects children, marking all the relevant points, together with the phone number. Futile I know, as he is in total denial.

FFS, I don't want to be bring up my beautiful dcs on my own. If it wasn't for the OW(alcohol) I wouldn't be facing the prospect of doing so.

I want to be doing this with minimum stress and upheaval for the dcs, as it will then be easier for me, so hopefully I can get the housing to pull their finger out.

I feel like I live a double life, the me the world sees, and the one who is told she's dumb and stupid and thick and fat. Two separate poeple almost.

I'm waffling, my head is in total turmoil. Where's Atilla with her whip and sugar coated pills when she's needed?

Hi R4ADC,

I am here but I don't use sugar coated pills. No whip either!!.

Phone the council offices as soon as they're open and get yourself onto a list. Other people that may well be worth contacting are Shelter and the CAB; they can also advise you further.

He won't stop drinking though because you tell him to do so - you just waste your breath on him saying that. Like many alcoholics as well denial plays a large part in their head.

This is what you wrote originally:-

"On Mon I must:
-Grow some balls and not wuss out of these steps
-Get a housing form from the council and try and go back on their list as just myself and the dc's. I have been homeless once before, I would rather avoid putting the dc's through that if poss.
-phone womens aid for advice. Scarey scarey step.
-see if I can report his last attack on me a fortnight ago, so it is on file but he is unaware atm if I make sense. Even scarier step".

The scarey steps may look like that but they aren'r really. Perhaps you feel like that because by phoning them you make it somehow more real and also "outsiders" will know. Please call them - you will get a fair hearing and won't be judged.

The above is the plan as set out by you - you must stick to this to the letter. For your sakes ultimately you must separate from this man. You're all being dragged down with him currently.

I realise that you are concerned about a nursery change but a change like this will be far easier to deal with. Rather that than seeing daily life with an alcoholic father with violent tendencies.

You do not want your children growing up seeing all this at first hand because we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. What did your husband learn from his Mother?. If you were to stay long term the lesson learnt by your children would be extremely damaging ones.

He may wake up one day and decide to stop but there are no guarantees here (he may continue to drink regardless) and you're not responsible for him ultimately. Only your own self and children.

Do come back on here later, would like to know how you got on today.

Attila x

Hello, I just wanted to jump into this thread - I posted ages ago with my woes that came from having a drug using partner ('I'm tired of stoners' the thread was called). Anyway, I left said partner in March after much fear and deliberation and I just wanted to say that I feel SO much better.
I realise how I came third in that relationship: 1st were the drugs, 2nd was him, then third was me.
I feel so much more alive and free from all the worries of having a partner who didn't want to change and I felt such guilt in not being able to help him, simply because he didn't want any help. Apparantly, I'm told he is still using in the same way, so I feel so free knowing that nothing I could have said or done would have changed anything and also that since March, as he is still using, I would have been tortured for the past three months still.
I still worry about him, but it's his life and he has chosen that path. I hope I don't sound harsh and that I am walking away without a second thought about him, it's the opposite, I thought about nothing but him for over a year and it was soul destroying.
Also, I'm told that the two other girlfriends of users in his group of friends/users have also left their respective boyfriends, maybe me leaving gave them the courage!!!! Imagine that!

Plus, I have made a good friend - you may remember me saying how lonely I felt as I didn't have any friends of my own - this has changed! I've got a friend! Plus, I'm still taking exercise, so whilst I'm still on the large size, I feel so much better. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm showing off.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that it's so true that you're responsibly in the first place for yourself and your own happiness, no one has the right to bring you down.

My love and best wishes goes to everyone in a tough situation x

Hi ABI

I remember you well (you probably remember me too!) and thanks for the update.

I am really pleased to hear that life is on the up for you. Long may that it continue!!.

With best wishes

Attila

Hi ABI, thank you for letting us know how you are, tis reassuring to know there is a better life beyond. Thank you Atilla, for your reply.

I don't really know where to start. My head is whirling and I feel as though there are 2 halfs of me, the one who is planning to go, and the one who still wants this marriage to work.

I went to the council offices yesterday, as they are only up in town, near the toddler group we go to, as I expected they were very busy, so I grabbed a housing application form and escaped.

Phoned WA in the afternoon. essentially I have 2 choices if I decide to go in a hurry, a refuge or homeless throught the council. Defo thinnk if I have to go in a rush a refuge is safest. Was reassuring also to know that we'd be less likely to be moved pillar to post if we went the refuge route.

Also asked re contact but by that point I was struggling to hold myself together I don't like the dcs to see me in that kind of state. I have to be strong for them.

when dh got home from work he stared going on about how he was very close to walking, was feeling very depressed how his depression was all my falut because we don't do anything, we never go anywhere (just him and me), cos the house isn't pristine...I could go on.
My responses were that alcohol is a proven depressant, if you feel that bad go to the doctors, you behaviour was unreasonable, you are an adult and so should act like one even if your 2yo is acting like a 2yo. Didn't raise my voice or anything. we are limited on babysitting options, agreed, 2 weeks ago he gave me 5 days notice to find a babysitter, but no-one was available, so whatever he had planned was cancelled. It was immediatly after our weekend away, so I suspect part of the whole intention was to deal with his guilt.

However it is all my fault, I am bnoring, he is a good husband cos he only drinks at home, doesn't go to pubs/clubs/gamble/shag around...

I'm probably not really making sense, just venting really. Didn't get as far as the police station yesterday, I wussed, but felt drained when I finished on the phone.

My beautiful dd1 has found me and is trying to assist my typing. I must pull myself together, and get some housework done.

Feel very confused. Don't know where to begin.

ABI - I remember your thread and I'm so pleased to hear that you got out and you are sounding so positive. Hopefully your post will help us all to see there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
R4ADC - it is the hardest thing to do (I know, I still can't quite do it) but you sound very determined to get yourself and your dc away from him. I wish you all the luck in the world. Keep us posted.
SS and Attilla - you'll be pleased to hear that I went to Alanon last night (thanks to my wonderful Mum and stepdad who looked after the dc for me) I feel so much better after a meeting and I realised it more having not been for a few weeks. I also got some really good AlAteen leaflets for his dd and I'm thinking of buying the Hope For Today book.
As predicted, he screwed up again and now she's gone back to her Mum's which I'm relieved about. He's really on self destruct now. He was lovely and sober this weekend, but he rewarded himself for being so good by taking yesterday off and spending all day in the pub!!
We have a holiday booked at the end of this month, which we are going to still go on as its cost quite a lot of money and the dc are looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.

Hi GUP

Good on you for attending the meeting last night. I also note you've got some leaflets for his daughter; I hope they will help her. I think such material would have helped you an awful lot in your teenage years.

Not at all surprised to see he's once again back in self destruct mode and his daughter's now returned to Mum's: just leave him to it and don't be dragged down further with him. You are not responsible for him after all. None of you are. Everyone needs to completely back away from him.

I presume he is going on this holiday as well at the end of the month - can his name now be taken off the booking?. I would seriously consider doing this if possible, he has to be shown a consequence. Besides which if he gets drunk on holiday, which is not beyond the realms of possibility, you're going to be clearing up after him again as well as being away from home. Your children will also be caught up in it again at close quarters and they don't need to see it.

Attila

Hi ready4anothercoffee,

But you're doing all the work and he's doing precisely nothing, You can't flog a dead horse. This marriage cannot work because drink is primarily first and foremost in his life; its his number one priority. There's no room at all for the two of you to co-exist at all happily.

Am glad you took and application form but this "escaped" word concerns me; you've done nothing wrong or shameful. You feel really responsible.

Ultimately you are only responsible for your own self and any children you have. They are caught up in this as much as you; you do NOT want them seeing all this crap in the longer term because it will screw them up emotionally and into adulthood as well.

Am glad you also spoke to WA and went through the various options. See you are quite strong really but now you will need to find it within yourself to make a definate plan of action to leave him. I do not write such things lightly but you need to save your own selves here.

It's all very well to be strong but you can't always do it on your own. You need both outside and real life support too from people you can trust. How many people in your own circle of friends know about your DH?. Also I would think a lot of your unhappiness would dissipate upon separation from him. No more walking on eggshells.

Same old story isn't it?. It's always someone else's fault other than their own, its easier to blame someone else rather than take responsibility and or seek help for their problems. Never forget that. What he's uttered is a lot of old tosh designed to make you feel bad and guilty. In that sense he has succeeded.

"However it is all my fault, I am bnoring, he is a good husband cos he only drinks at home, doesn't go to pubs/clubs/gamble/shag around..."

Again a lot of old tosh. So he has justified his argument in his own mind that because he does not do these other things he thinks its okay to act like he does. He does not at heart want to change his behaviours.

The longer you stay in all this the harder it will be for you all to get out. In the meantime his untold emotional damage to your family unit continues apace.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. His Mother imparted her son many damaging lessons and the effects of these are now obvious. However, I would stress that not all people who have crappy childhoods for whatever reason all go on to be alcoholics.

You do NOT want to leave such a damaging legacy to your own children. They have no voice currently. You can't change him or rescue him but you can change how you yourself react. You need to show him consequences, not enabling.

You need to remember the 3 c's
You cannot cure it
you did not cause it
you cannot control it

No Attilla. Him not going is not an option I'm afraid. However, I am thinking of it as separate holidays, me and the dc and him. He can do his own thing and we can do ours. His dd is coming too and I've a feeling she'll want to be with us rather than him atm too.
Maybe that will make him think. On a family holiday his family don't want him to be with them.

Hi GUP

Fair do's but thought I'd ask about removing his name from the booking.

May I ask where you're going on holiday (the name of the country will suffice).

I don't think that going on a family holiday where his family does not want to be with him will either make him see sense or make him think. Nothing to date has worked with him to date so that won't make any difference.

I feel that the only way he'll ever perhaps wake up is to find himself alone in a grotty one room bedsit 20 years down the line. You'll have long gone from his life by then along with the rest of his family. Even then he may not stop drinking; there are no guarantees.

I know - I'm clutching at straws again .
We are going to Bulgaria. Its a place I know fairly well so I'm confident that me and the dc can have a great time even if he's not around. Also I have friends who live out there so if the worst comes to the worst I can turn up on their doorstep!
Your last sentence "I feel that the only way he'll ever perhaps wake up is to find himself alone in a grotty one room bedsit 20 years down the line" is exactly where my Dad ended up, and he died there surrounded by drunks and druggies .

GUP - well done for going back to Al Anon.

The 'One Day at a Time' book is excellent for those who are living with an active alcoholic. 'Courage to Change' is also very good. You will begin to be able to put everything into perspective as you use the readings. I find that equating the feelings (like frustration, anger, low self esteem) to the subjects on those feelings were a tremendous help. It will also help with subject matter for meetings....you will be able to read up more on whatever the subject is for that week.

Go to at least 6 meetings before you make any hard and fast decisions. You need to have a clear head; whilst you are in the madness your decisions are anything but rational!

No-one knows how it will turn out. Just the changes in you as you no longer react may be enough to get your P to hit his rock bottom and seek sobriety. No-one or nothing else will get him sober.

A warning about your holiday....

My H insisted on coming to Cyprus with us - lucky for me my best mate came too. So he acted like he was an albino - had the curtains shut, the air con. on all day & night, never left the villa except to go to the local garage very early am - to get his alcohol, so I found out later on.

Would make a big show of cooking in the eve. then disappear back indoors after serving up. Complete waste of money him being there(my money of course, as he was off on long term sick by then!).

We had a nice time without him, but the flight there & back was a mare - he was perspiring heavily, twitchy, irrational.

Of course, it was all monster manipulation on his part, esp. as I had an ally with me (who knew all about the alcoholism).

Talk about keeping up appearances - it got quite pathetic in the end, but at least I could laugh about it all and not get cross & reactionary about him 'spoiling everything'. And this was 2 months before I found Al Anon...

I was sad to hear about what had happened to your dad. But you cannot have any influence over stopping your P from ending up the same way. Just keep repeating the 1st step to yourself....! Keep strong.

R4ADC - Go girl, you CAN do it. We have all been there with the same behaviours....you have to stop taking it personally because that is the idea of it - to get you to react. If you have time, please sit down and re-read this whole thread. You will get strength from knowing that you are not on your own.

SSx

Hello Beautiful Strong Women!

I've been doing my monthly catch up reading all your posts and well done you. It's great to see this thread so active and the message will be acknowledged eventually: it's our life, our choices and our DCs.

I feel better every week which is sometimes weird, if I get any happier I'll be in nirvana soon ! What I am noticing is that I'm connecting so much more with people. The jokes come out easily, I talk to everybody and I am receiving a great feedback from friends and family.

It's as if I spent years checking over my shoulders and keeping me somewhere else. I wasn't living my life and I'm now like an excited kid playing catch up!!

Love to all, keep on the good work!

Wow WDWGFH that's great. How nice to see such a positive post. Just shows there's hope for us all.
I'm right down in the dumps today and hoping that Alanon will give me a boost (or a kick up the ) tonight.
Hope everyone else is OK.
Ginnny
GU with a brand new (non alcoholic) name!!!
xxxx