SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Message withdrawn

ALO2. thats really sad.. do you have no friends because of his drinking ?

wishing you a peaceful BH weeekend

lst x

Hi all.I havnt been able to read any posts since i first posted as the night i joined you, my internet account was hacked so have been fighting with tiscali for a few days, and am using VEEERY slow dial up, so wont be on for a while. thanks for any replies though.
Hugs to everyone.

Thanks SS - I understand what you are saying. I guess there were other things going on last week and I just couldn't face a row about one bottle of wine (which I did have some of too). Sometimes its easier to let the little things go!
ALO2 - you do have friends - I know we're only 'internet' friends, but we will be here to listen to you and do definitely try Al Anon, I'm sure it will help.

I guess alcoholism has the extra problem, in that drinking is so socially acceptable, and part of many people's every day life. Hard for partners, who have to avoid any drink too, and hard for the drinker too.

P stoe money from my account one day (£200), and according to him, lent it to some other addicts who would be in serious trouble if they didn't pay a debt.

He claims they will repay him - he rang me a while ago to tell me that for £30 of the debt, they will give him a mountain bike. I went mad - the £200 is owed to my account, he took it without permission - and now he thinks it is reasonable that he gets a bike, rather than i get the money??????

His thought processes seem so bizarre - I don't think my anger with him and his behaviour is unreasonable, but he certainly does, rolling his eyes, sighing heavily every time I try to talk to him about things. How much of his thinking is affected by his addiction, and blindness towards the impact it has, and how much might just be the fact that he is actually still an irresponsible, selfish, thoughtless idiot underneath????

In 2 weeks, he has got through nearly £700 in "socialising", "loans to a friend" "business", and paying off a drug debt after they held his phones ransome. And instead of feeling guilty and making up for this, he is still as spoilt and selfish as ever.

Anyway, my sisters are around next week to finish off sorting / clearing out / sharing the rest of my mum's things. Hopefully after that I can get the house sorted out, and if he won't move out, will somehow get some basic cosmetic work done in the house, and put it up for sale. Rubbish timing with the housing market as it is - also if it takes a while to sell then it's going to be difficult with the baby due in 4 months.

I know that I'm responsible for allowing myself to be in this difficult position by the way, so I'm not looking for sympathy, just venting my frustrations - with myself as well as anything else!

hi it's good to know there are others out there my partner has no sense of responsibility at all spent £350 on a night out says new work colleagues did not have money .is he nuts am i he has loads of debts etc i am financially independent work my house mortgage etc but he thinks that's okay lots of crap stuff off and on all started when i had first baby 3.6 years ago he is very loving etc but feels like i have a difficult teenager/ i make all decisions about kids etc make sure bills paid etc

Hi Malibubaby
I know what you mean about how it's like having a teenager around! P wants to do as he wishes, has no sense of responsibility, hands it all over to me - waking him up for work, hanging on to his money etc - but then hates it if I disagree with what he wants to do.
He too is loving, but now it doesn't feel real, it feels like it's to hang on to me to look after him, or a dependent kind of love, in that he knows his life will be more difficult without me. He even said that to a colleague apparently - that he couldn't imagine life without me.
I can imagine 1 without him all too well - harder financially, but in control, no stress about his spending, no constantly being let down and lied to etc. Bliss!

hi so have you moved only joined thread at last bit maybe it's unreal but i want my kids to have an everyday dad but the uncertainity is awful and i do not trust him at all my family think he's no use to me my mum looks after kids whilst i work part time he rattles onto friends about loving me and kids in same way but i feel like his mum most of time it's good to talk thanks

Does your partner have an addiction?
Mine is addicted to cocaine, which causes lots of financial problems, and means he is unreliable, dishonest, and self absorbed.
I want him to move out, but he doesn't want to do this, and although I've tried locking him out a couple of times, I've ended up giving in, and allowing him to be in control really.
He works, but manages to spend a great propaortion his earnings - I'm at sahm, and with 4 months to go before dc2 arrives, it's not a great time to be looking for work either.
He can be great with our dd, but on his terms, when he wants to be.
I'm very unhappy, and need to resolve this, but seem to be too feeble to achieve freedom. I just started counselling, but unfortunately the session they offered me has left me reliant on him for childcare, and he was here once, then stayed out, uncontactable (apparently someone he owed money to took his phones til he paid up, and he chose to wander about for 9 hours, returning at 3.30am, rather than come back immediately, leaving me to stress and worry etc) so i couldn't make the 2nd appointment.

How are you feeling? What do you want? Are you hoping he'll change?

he dosen't have an addiction but has done drugs at different times at any time i think he will/ has can easily be out all night spend lots of money i have not let him back loads of times he behaves for a while repeat. his mum doesn't help will not see any problem with missing work willgive him money etc he stays there when i will not let him back.He spends whatever he has in his pockets .I feel annoyed and hope he will change friends my family keep saying a leopard doesn't change spots??? i am generally busy with social stuff with kids work trying to move and i can cope with it .However sometimes just gets me down and i just sob and sob...

I seem to cry every day at the moment, so know how you feel
I'm usually ok when he's not around, as busy with dd / out and about. But I find it very hard to deal with someone who has no sense of responsibility / thinks he's a young, free man who can do as he pleases. But then I guess he can, because he's still here, and he knows he gets away with it, so why change? That's the key - why should they change, if life suits them the way it is?
Guess we all have to work out what we want for our kids / our lives, and make that happen, not allow someone else to dictate how things are, and make us miserable.
His mum knows he has a problem, but I don't think she really appreciates the extent, and I'm sure she believes his side of things. I know he tells her I'm mistaken lots of times when I believe he's done drugs, so i bet she thinks I've just got it wrong. I don't see what's to be gained by making her understand the impact it has on us, but I could certainly tell her that rolled up dated tickets etc are not my imagination / me misunderstanding her poor son!

It doesn't sound like he's there for you - when you say you're moving, is that away from him? Or together? Do you want to split up? Or do you want to work things out? Have you tried any counselling?

Message withdrawn

ALO2 - I dont think my H fully understood the financial implications of his weed habit until I left him. the suddenly he realised that I had provided everything.....home, food, heat, light, council tax all these things he was faced with providing from his own salary ( once he got a job) .....

hon, why - and be honest this is an internet forum - are you still there ? is it fear of the stigma of being a lone parent? thought that you wont manage alone ? that you love him ? that you think the kids need him ????

be honest with yourself If not with anyone else... truly its one million time better and more healthy than covering up..

PRINCESSHOBNOB I send you my love and support and if there is anything at all I can do for you I am here to help. Just ask [email protected].

You and the dcs CAN get out of this

(((((((((((PHN))))))))))))))

GUP and SS and everyone else ; you ar all in my thoughts and i end you all strengthening hugs xxxxx

lst xx

Don't be sorry alittleone2
I'm sure we all know that apprehensive, anxious feeling. It's horrible, and it's not fair that you're having to tread so carefully in your home for fear of his reaction.
Is there no one you can go and stay with for a bit, rather than be alone with him?

I have been lurking for a while, may I join?

Dh is drunk again, now snoring in the bath.
He has spent the last couple of hours telling me once a whore always a whore and accusing me of having an affair with a friends dh
I hate the way the booze makes him come out with this nasty vindictive shit
Ds was in a really silly mood earlier and was copying some of his shit, thank god it was the milder shit at that point

I should be glad he only hit me a couple of times tonight. How desperate is that.

Am feeling very very low, and not looking forward to another day of him at home

Lst - your offer of help made me cry. I feel so trapped and miserable, and I've trapped myself in this financially. I make all these plans, but don't seem to be able to carry anything out.
I hate him. I like him going out because I don't want to be in with him, but he always spends so much money, that we can't afford. I feel anxious when he's around.
We're both horrible to each other, we don't have niceness or kindness between us. it's pretty tragic really. I don't want to waste any more of my life

Ready4anothercoffee
Hi and welcome
I'm sorry to hear your situation. How long has it been like this? What's stopping you going?
In the past, before P, I could never understand people staying in bad / violent / abusive etc relationships, but now I understand a lot more.
I would say p is emotionally abusive (though he says I am horrible to him and he is just taking my lead, showing me what it is like ) but never physically violent, in fact it is me who has hit out at him a few times when he has been on drugs / demanding loads of money / trying to barricade himself in a room with our dd when high & paranoid, and I hate that I have behaved like that, though I don't think I've actually hurt him.

Have you contacted Womens Aid?

Many many reasons, on many levels.

the dcs love him, & when sober he is a lovely man, it is just when drunk all the bile comes pouring out.
the usual mind games, I really do love you, that I deserve it because blah blah (sadly a lot of the reasons I half believe)

I am just shattered emotionally, and absolutly knackered. dd2 is only 12wks, and dd1 has taken to waking up at sparrowfart. then there's the fear that no-one will believe me, only one person in rl knows, a counsellor I see through a local charity for parents of U2's.

I am also scared of what could happen if I did leave. although I now have a box of essential paperwork and an emergency fund since he totally lost it a few weeks ago.

haven't had the courage to contact WA. Would mean admitting to myself what if happening

Believe me, I do understand
But it's not good for our dcs to witness this kind of behaviour, and it is likely to affect the sort of relationships they have in the future.
No one deserves to be abused
An addict isn't likely to change unless there's a good reason to: so do we want to live like this forever?
What would he do that would make you leave?

P too can be lovely, but it's not enough is it? My dd loves him dearly - but that doesn't need to change if we separate. It's easy to allow yourself to feel guilty, and think that you're denying your kids a close relationship with their dad - but that's not true. It's his behaviour that is making it inappropriate to be together.

Does he admit he has a problem? Has it always been like this?

Why not have a chat to women's aid to find out your options at least? It sounds like you're preparing yourself in other ways.

Don't I know it, it is sooo not good for the dcs to witness this, and to be soaking up the environment

It hasn't always been like this. I knew he enjoyed a beer, but rarely got drunk, spaced them out, and was fine. In return, when we got together we both exchanged histories, ie he had an ex who got pg while he was at work (used to be away for 4 nights), and his mum created serious ishoos, used to knock him around etc. In return, in my youth I was not an angel, a couple of one nioght stands etc. But, you understand, all this is past, long before we met each other.

It was after we haad children when ds was about 18mths he began with the 'mummy's a whore' and over theintervening years has just worsened from the odd slap to now

I think he knows deep down that all this is wrong, but if I ever try to talk about it, I get told he drinks cos i'm boring/I'm a depressant/he doesn't drink too much and IBU to stop a man having a few beers.

After last time (I still cannot talk about it if that makes sense, even now, if it looks like everything is about to kick off I start to shake) I realised that at some point if he doesn't get his act together I will have to go for the sake of the dcs. but I don't want to, if that makes sense. we spent almost 2 yrs in the homeless system when ds was a baby, and I'm finally settling down and putting down roots and that is such a lovely feeling, and I'm sure it has helped keep me sane just cos I can get out and I see people I know. I don't want the dcs to experiance the major upheaval it would cause.

But you are right, talk to WA I must, I must try and find tghe balls to do so[scared]

I worry about housing / finance / if I'd have to move far away, when I have a few friends round here and nice playgroups etc. I feel so anxious about the future - but ultimately I want to be happy, not to be anxious at home, not to have someone else in control, not to have dd absorb all the tension and hostility, not to know if he'll come home / if he'll have spent all our money / etc etc. I think those things are more important in the long run... but the practicalities of splitting up make things much harder.

I think it's worth finding out as much as you can about options / assistance.

It's ok to have a few drinks, but not if it makes you violent or abusive, so of course you're not being unreasonable.

Maybe if you left it would jolt him into realising he has a problem, and do something about it.

Try Al-Anon - several other people on here have recommended it for support. It's hard to talk to friends about things like this, because it feels embarrassing / shameful / like we're somehow responsible - but having someone to talk to is sooo invaluable. Sometimes I feel like he's brainwashing me to believe I'm being unreasonable, that I have nothing to be unhappy about etc - then when I do talk to people - a couple of friends / counsellors - I see that it's not OK to be treated like this. It really isn't. We deserve better

totally agree. Read your last sentance and instantly the bleak side of me said but do I? It must be my fault God, the bastards are good at messing with our minds

can hear a tap running, will not be good if he finds me here.

just flicked back to one of your posts at the top of the page - do you know anyone well enough to leave your dc with? without explaining the truth, obv. poss, ante-natal depression/or similar?

I have 1 friend who knows quite a bit, who could look after dd, and another who might help out, who just knows we have problems in our relationship. But my mum died last year, and I had a mc too, so those are things I want to deal with at counselling to, so can be truthful without having to go into too much detail anyway.

P's just come in after a couple of hours, I already feel tense.

EVERYONE deserves better. But yes, they are absolutely brilliant at mind messing

Sounds like it's worth seeing if they can help, rather than waiting for a daytime slot.

I know this sounds brutal, but if you were on your own at least you'd know exactly how little you had and whether it would still be there when you returned to your account.

he awoke long enough to ask me if I was ok when I toook ds to the toilet, then started snoring again. Think he's forgotton that he has spent the evening telling me al kinds of crap.

I have just found a half empty bottle of wine in the fridge... FFS, it so pisses me off, and it has taken 6mths for me to be able to say that.

Hi Everyone - a very quick hello (I've just got back from Devon) and ((((hugs)))) to everyone esp. if you are feeling very low.

ALO2 - to CAT someone, click on to "Contact A Mumsnetter" on the blue bar at the top of the page. That goes for anyone else who needs more info on Al Anon, BTW!! . I'm not smart, I didn't know about this CAT thing either to start with

To all the newcomers, please read page 10 of this thread - it will give you all more of an idea why the alcoholic acts the way that they do (and I can't believe so much has happened to all of us 'oldies' since last Nov.!!).

I'm so sorry, I have to go now. Will be back online tomorrow. SSxx