SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Hi there alitleone2 and welcome to the thread. There will be no judging here, whatever you do or don't decide to do, just a safe place to express YOUR feelings, because they have validity too. So often its all about the addicts feelings and needs and behaviour, but it all impacts on us too.

so welcome, lurk or post as you feel comfrtable

lst x

Princesshobnob - which drugs are we talking about?
sorry if you've mentioned it before (or if you dont want to).

LST - how much weed did your dh smoke?

BTW, I was Snuffler.

Flubdub - p's problem is cocaine

Welcome alittleone2
gotta go

about £500 a month. dont know how much that is in ounces! He also too prescription drugs by lying to his GP about toothache he got quite a lot of codeine, and valium for various things, He stole drugs from me. I am a health care professional.

it got pretty bad

but he is clean now

lst how did you get to the point of him being clean?

He just got home, given lift by someone, he does get back late on Monday, but 22.30 seems v late to me. No phone call in last 5 hours, just walks in and wants to use the computer.. I hate that being even half an hour late is enough to make me suspicious.

He suually has of course, so that's why. I just want him to go, I cry most days, feel totally miserable and trapped (though I've trapped myself here, so can't just blame him), hate him most of the time....

When I tried to make it clear to him how serious I was about him moving out, he was so angry, telling me I could leave but dd should stay (as if!) that he'd fight me for custody etc etc. Blackmail really. I think he dreads losing his family really, but doesn't seem to realise it's pretty much lost anyway, and crumbles more each day, and he still can't be bothered to get help for his problems.

I know it's crazy I'm still here, but i think I just can't let go of some hope it will somehow turn out ok, even though I have tons of evidence to say that it won't.

I started counselling last week. Hopefully that'll help me toughen up!

Princess

You are a prime example of enabling.

He treats the place like a hotel and sees you both as a fool and a mug. The awful thing as well is that you let him; you are his enabler. He knows that whatever he does you will still let him back into your life. He has a svengali hold on you. He knows that you are not serious about telling him to go.

Him speaking of custody threats/battles are empty ones designed to keep you in your hole - a hole that you partly dug yourself. He's bloody good at emotional blackmail isn't he?. No court in the land would give him any sort of unsupervised residency given his history.

You will indeed need to toughen up; if you really want to help him you will stop enabling him completely (not washing his clothes is a start and you have done this) and start helping your own self properly. Enabling him is neither doing him or particularly you any good at all. It gives you a false sense of control.

It will perhaps only be when you find the backbone within yourself to make the break that you will see then how unhealthy and dysfunctional this "relationship" actually was.

The emotional effect all this is having on your daughter is incalculable. If nothing else think about what all this is doing to her. You all deserve better frankly but you Princess have a stark choice. Your children have no such say or choice because they have to go along with what you put up with.

Umberella,

HE realsied what te weed had domne to him whne he found himself at 43 with no children, no wife, no friends, no home, no job, no money, no savings and no decent qualifications to get another job.

When HE realised that smoking weed as his prime passtime had turned him into and abusive , agressive, dishonest, dirty drug addict who had NOTHING; and had lost everything that made life worth living. THEN he realied that it was not OK. THEN HE decided that he had to stop.

and so he did. with the help of NA, and ASCA and a GP and a psychiatrist and his parents ( who housed him rather than see him on the street)

but nothing nothnig that I did had ever made the slightest bit of difference to his habit. Nor what anyone else had ever said. Only when I got him out of the house and he had only supervised contct with his children did he see.

very hard.

But in my experience rock bottom is what it takes.

lst x

Hi everyone (good to see a few new faces on here
I went to Alanon last night and P had his counselling today which I went really well. We managed to have a really good chat this afternoon and we are really going to make a last effort to make this work (and it really is the last chance, if this doesn't work then that's it, I've done my absolute best and can't do more)
Alanon was good - not really what I expected and it was mostly older women there (I thought I'd stumbled into a WI meeting at first but they were all so kind and I felt really relaxed and at ease with them all. I'll definitely go again, and am quite looking forward to it actually. I feel like I've got a haven to run to now, if that makes sense???
BTW thank you SecretSquirrel for the emails and support, you gave me that extra bit of courage that I needed to make myself go yesterday.
Anyway, sorry this is a bit of a jumbled message, I'm trying to cook dinner, look after kids and do the washing as well as being on here all at the same time!!!

GUP

Have just seen your message.

Well done you for going to Al-anon; am glad you found it helpful. Am proud of you. I would urge you to keep going to these meetings otherwise I'll set the Meerkats on you!. Seriously though as you have seen these people are also like your good self - a member of the public.

I hope your man also continues with his counselling and does not bail out when it starts to get tough. He also has a lot of work to do. I think also you have indeed reached the end of that road if he messes up this time around.

With best wishes

Attila x

Thanks Atilla - I have you and SS to thank really. I wouldn't have plucked up courage without you.
I know its not going to be easy but I feel a lot more positive about things, especially after last night.

well done ginned up, thats so positive

Hi to all the newcomers - fantastic that there are lots of you joining up with us...

GU - So proud of you for having the courage to go to Al Anon....please try to go to 6 meetings before making up your mind about whether it is for you or not.

Wish I could write more but am at work and it's really busy (just when you really want to chat!!)

SS xx

Thats what they said to me, and I am very fired up about going next week.
The thing I found surprising about it is that they don't give out advice. Another lady there (also a first timer) really just wanted advice but they said they are not there to advise. I don't think she'll come back because she just wanted a list of things to do.
At first I thought that was a bit off, but I've been thinking about it a lot over the last few days, and maybe that is the beauty of it, because I don't want to be told what to do and what not to do, I just want to be listened to and understood.
They gave me loads of leaflets and a booklet and I haven't had time to read through it all yet, hopefully I'll get chance tonight while the footy is on the telly (DP is staying in and he's a ManU supporter - I'm !!!!

AL2 - welcome! As I said to GU, please CAT me if you need any further info about Al Anon.

GU - Dare I ask how things were last night 'cos Man U won?? Like I have said already, you can go to as many meetings as you can fit in (there are lunchtime ones but creche facilities are rare) - it is good to hear that your first meeting left you wanting more. I'd've gone every night if I didn't have to work!!

PHN - ((((((hug)))))) but completely agree with Atilla, hard though it is for you to hear what is being said and to act on it. At the end of the day you have dd's welfare in your hands and you must act now before she becomes irreperably (sp) damaged. You are both in an intolerable situation - you DO have a choice; you DO NOT have to put up with intolerable behaviour.

Hi SS. Last night was good. He watched the footie with his dd and her boyfriend and I went off and did the ironing in front of The Apprentice!! We had a bottle of wine between us and that was it.
It would have been worse if he'd gone to the pub - all the celebratory drinks after the match and I think he knew that.
Not sure if there's an AlAnon meeting on the bank holiday? Might have to leave it next week and go the week after.
I feel better about things now than I have in ages.

GU - you could ring the GSO on 0207 4030888 tomorrow. They would be able to tell you if there will be one, though I'm surprised that no-one remembered that Mon. was a BH at your last meeting. We had to cancel one on Boxing Day 'cos everyone was away, but had discussed it beforehand. Anyway, see if there is another one in your area for next week (you should have had a list in the info they gave you) and then go back to Mon. meeting the following week.

I'm so pleased that you are feeling so much better. I have every hope that you will 'get the programme' and that the more you learn about how not to react, the more hope that there will be that your relationship can work through this. Very early days, but there is always hope. I sincerely hope that he finds AA - but it is for him to find, not for you to tell him to go to it! Keep reading the literature, and keep listening and learning all you can. And you can always contact me outside MN of course.

Attila and SS
Don't worry, I do know that what you say is true - it's not really hard to hear, because I know it already. I just am struggling with the next step.

One night I locked him out, he rang the doorbell for hours, I called the police (who didn't come) - i eventually let him in in the morning to "get his stuff" - he went up to bed.
He comes home from work late, and doesn't want to talk about it.
Occasionally he'll agree it's reasonable for him to leave... but I presume that's just to stop any argument, as he never progresses to leaving.
Today he once again lied about why he needed money, and since he got what he wanted 4.5hrs ago, he has been uncontactable - he was supposed to be here so I could go to the counselling he has urged me to go to for ages - so I had to cancel it, and now will obviously have to get a session in the daytime when someone more reliable can look after dd, which means I may have to wait ages to get offered a session.

This time I've bolted the doors, and disconnected the doorbell.

I don't understand him. He did well for a few weeks, seemed to find the group useful, then let it all slide again. It's obviously easier to keep going than to stop.

I suppose ultimately I'm a bit afraid of how I'm going to cope on my own - housing, financw, work. I'm a sahm, I wouldn't qualify for benefits at the moment, but equally if he didn't contribute in the short term I'd really struggle, and all my savings would just disappear.

I wish I'd cut and run long ago, when I was pg 1st time round, though dd has probably built more of a relationship woth him that she would have done otherwise.

If I stay of course it will affect her - I don't think she's too aware of his odd behaviour at the moment as it happens after she's in bed, and he is locked away - she's used to not seeing too much of him due to work and his love of sleeping. I think what's more likely to affect her at the moment is that I am very sad and stressed, and she sees me angry at him, and in tears. She quite often asks me if I am happy, so is obviously a bit anxious about this.

I know it needs to be resolved for her sake even more than mine. I hope things are coming to a head. I feel like I'll be able to be rid of him - but sadly I've thought that before and allowed myself to just be swamped by his wishes again.

But I honestly cannot live with this anxiety and stress and dishonesty any more. I don't get ANYTHING positive from our relationship at all

Hi Princess
stumbled across your post, please don't dispair. Sounds like you are having a tough time but also that you are getting stronger and know that your dd is paramount. Have courage, you seem to be on the right path...

GUP

oh dear.

You drank a bottle of wine between you - he does not need this temptation because he frankly cannot resist it.

It may have been indeed the lesser of two evils (after all he did not go to the pub) but he should not be drinking alcohol even with you (you likely think you can supervise him better, well you can and you cannot).

You in particular and he both know that. I would urge you not to purchase alcohol and drink this with him in your home (especially that behaviour because you are then seen by him to condone it). Make your own home an alcohol free zone. Its for your own sake as much as his; you just enable him further if you continue to drink with him and actually helps neither of you.

Would agree with SS; do contact them re the actual date of the next meeting as there is a bank holiday. It may well not go ahead anyway but you need to know for definate. I would also encourage you strongly to keep attending the Al-anon meetings as they will help you.

Message withdrawn

Attilla - I think the fact that he stayed in and just had a few glasses of wine on a night which would normally have been a full on binge is a good thing.
Although his drinking is a problem when he has too much I can live with him having a couple of glasses or a few pints of an evening.
I just think credit where its due - he's making an effort and so am I and I think its wise sometimes to pick your battles...

Alittleone2 - Alanon isn't religious, although it did seem that way for the first 10 minutes or so of the session. They stress that it is more spiritual than religious and they talk of a higher power but its whatever you perceive it to be.
Basically everyone just tells their own story and says how their week has gone and then you have time for the informal chat at the end.
Having said that, I've only been to one session so you'd be better asking Attilla or SS as they are a lot better informed than me.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Hi ALO2 - Please CAT me for more indepth info on Al Anon, though I won't be able to get to a computer until Tues after tonight (I'm back down in Dorset/Devon for the BH w/end, no internet access after tonight!). Also, it is quite common to find that a lot of alcoholics have replaced one addiction (i.e. drugs) for another (alcohol).

GU - the summer before I found Al Anon, I'd planned a trip to see a play for H's birthday. In the interval I asked H what he would like to drink, because he was getting really agitated during the first half(sweating, starting to shake, continually hot) stupidly thinking that I could control what he was having as I was the one buying it. He asked for a G & T, which I bought. He knocked it back in one and then said that he was off to the loo. When he came back, he seemed less agitated. This was because I later discovered that his water bottle was a 'vodka bottle'. Moral of the story - if you think you are being clever by manipulating the situation you may as well stop it right now. You will never outwit an alcoholic.....

Hope that the weekend is as stress free as possible - if you feel your fuse is about to go, don't react, just leave the room. That is what they are banking on - a reaction from you will make them feel even more shitty & worthless, so they will drink more...

Take every care, SSxx