SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Hello, how is everyone doing?

I've had my op and all is well. H, on the other hand, is heading back down the pit. He hasn't been to AA for a couple of weeks and is drinking as much as he ever was. I'm off work for another 4 weeks and I've been keeping out of his way.

H is away at his parents with DD this weekend so I have the house to myself (hurrah!).

Had some goood news in that I shouldn't have any problems getting another mortgage - I'm still waiting to find out what he wants from the house first....he had until the end of this week to let my solicitor know. And he hasn't, so we are going ahead with getting it all ended as quickly as possible, whatever he thinks his delaying tactics are going to achieve!

I hope that everyone comes back soon, I'm desperate to know how everyone is getting on and I'd hate for this thread to end

hi SS

glad you are ok.

life for me is ok, its hard in one way. My dh is still clean, not using at all and calm, not agressive and much nicer.
but emotionally he is like a child. he cant make ANY decisions for himself I have to do everythnig. Its not like having an equal partner. I find this very hard. Physivally he is there and practically he will do whjat I ask him too, but he cannot see or think for himself. I hope this improves in time. our sex life is shot to bits and I find it hard to respect him for being so childlike - cant bring myself to have sex with someone I dont respect. he finds that hard.

kids are better, om the whjole I think its ok. Ok but hard

PHN I hope you are ok. really hope things are settling down...

GU - you ok ??

love to all

lst xx

Glad you are on the mend SS and so sorry to hear he's drinking again.
LST - how frustrating for you, I hope things get better.
I've had the usual problems with P, but he's still not living with us permanently so I tend to distance myself from it all.
Enjoying this lovely weather - makes it all seem so much better.
PHN - hope you are OK.
K

LST - does NA have a support network for the people who are affected by the drug habits of the user, much like Al Anon for the partners etc. of the alcoholic?

I only ask because if your P is finding it all very hard as well, then there may be a danger of him swapping one addiction for another. I don't want to put the wind up you but I know that it can happen.

Looking back on other posts on this thread, the partners in the same place as yours appear to have come through it, though the time it takes seems to have varied enormously. And the help for yourself would help in dealing with accepting that it is all very different and sure to be difficult as you rebuild what you once had.

GU - you sound so much more positive which is fab to hear.
Lovely weather? It's snowing like mad here!!

Hope that PHN, Atilla, ZK and WDWGFH are all ok too.

SS xx

hi can I join this thread? My husband is cannabis smoker. When we met, we were almost always stoned.. We broke up as I didn't really like being stoned all the time and I thought that he had changed to this zombie..then we both found out that he had depression...He started taking prozac and got a bit better and we got back together, then got married, and had DD together. I have asked him not to use it at the longest a week, and try to be clean as I don't find him the same when he is stoned. I feel as if he is on another planet and I don't feel like I can be intimate with him. He has recently gone on almost a month binge with cannabis and I don't know what to do with him. He only gets angry if I mention this. I feel that he manipulates me emotionally to get what he wants - he can't really decide on things in life either (DIY I have to choose and buy everything and if I don't cook he doesn't see need to cook at home. etc..). It makes me feel that weed comes before me and I just feel so low about it.

Hi Peeeed! He sounds like a nightmare. He won't stop smoking weed because you ask or beg him to, or make ultimatums. He actually has to want to stop, which from the sound of it he doesn't.
Does he smoke it near your dd?
Maybe the time has come to pull the rug from under him and stop enabling him. I know its hard to hear but all the time you are letting him live with you, cooking his food, making decisions for him he won't ever stop.
He needs a shock imo, to be faced with losing you and your dd which might make him hit rock bottom and maybe then he'll sort his life out.
I hope it works out for you - I know how hard it is when you love an addict. Its hell.
GOod luck.

Hi everybody,

XP finally moved out last month, 8 months after I had decided enough was enough.

I'm very grateful for the support provided by this thread and al-anon. My recovery will take its on time, in the mean time I'm busy putting as much distance between myself and the madness. RL people have been extremely supportive as well. It's really proven how much he was holding me back and that finally I can live MY life, it's such a relief, the weight on my shoulders was heavy.

I don't accept any drunken behaviour from my mother anymore; I realised very quickly with al-anon that XP wasn't that important or hurtful even, the main baddy in my life was her... I'm going to find a way of maintaining my duties of single child to an ageing lone woman without burning any of my fingers or DSs...

Sending you all love and strenght. If you want to live your DP because the situation is too much for you and your DCs just go for it, it can be done and you will be so proud of yourself. For the ones helping their DPs through recovery and treatment, you have more staying power than me, I just had to cut my losses.

X0X

I don't want to read too much on what DS says but he has the little song where he's "'appy now"

gosh wdwgfh. well done, you sound so positive,

welcome peeeed.

sorry, I didnt see your post earlier this week.

My husband is a recovering cannabis addict ( and alcoholic) ; he lied, stole and physically abused our children before I kicked him out. When I finally did, it took all the support of my family, his family MN adn friends to keep telling me I had done the right thing.

In the end it was the best thing for everyone. He stopped smoking weed and has been clean for almost 8 months now. I allowed him to come home after he had been clean for almost 6 month. It has been very very very hard.

so , I don't know how bad your H is, but lying abut use, being defensive when questioned, and putting his need to use cannabis before his family all sound HORRIBLY familiar to me. Don't let anyone tell you that cannabis is not addictive. It is, and it destroys lives. It messes up your head and causes psychosis.

I do know how hard this is to do, but in your position I would write a list of your conditions . all your reasons why you find his cannabis use unacceptable and discuss t with him Be honest. If you want him to stop completely say so. If he will not change inorder to keep his family ogether than you have an answer... then you need to make a decision.

beingalone is hard and scary, but honestly it is far far less scary than living with an addict ( for you and esp for your dc's)

good luck
xxx lst

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in ages, because I've just felt too down about things, and have been concentrating more on pg related topics.

I seem to have made little / no progress. He's given up the flat now, after stopping using it, whatever I said about not wanting him here. One of his contracts has ended as well, so it would be difficult to afford both places. My latest optimistic hope is to do up the house quickly, make some money for the future, and leave as soon as is feasible.

Various other things have happened, and I just don't think I feel anything much for him, although he still manages to wind me up and make me so furious. He criticises me all the time, then wants to snuggle up and tells me he loves me. I just think he's an abusive bully, and brings out the worst in me.

On the positive side, he's attended a group a couple of times, one's just opened near us, but again he's not really committed to it, and will use the slightest excuse not to bother. He's taken drugs less often, the last time was about 2.5 weeks ago, so I guess that's better. He just can't see that he's just caused too much damage to the way I feel, and hasn't done anything to make amends, or show we're important. He says the words, but can't make me feel the truth of them.

Sorry, this is a long rambling post. I'm going to mind for some counselling - I have an initial session at the end of the month, so I'm hoping that will help me.

Peeeeed - I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Of couse your husband can't be the person you want him to be, or a useful partner when he's stoned. Like LST said, make a list of what you want your boundaries to be, and make it clear what you want/expect. If he can't respect that, then he is putting himself first. An addict won't change unless something makes them decide to change. If they reach rock bottom / lose something important through their addiction etc.

Wheredowego - congratulations, you sound like you're doing so well, and I'm sure your life will be so much happier for it in the end. I hope I achieve as much one day

PHN, sorry things are so bad for you. I think its a great idea for you to go for some counselling. You need a place where you can talk freely and sortout your thoughts.

any chance your partner will go with you ?? Or at a later date ?

Hope all is going well with your pregnancy

love lst xxx

Hi everyone - I've been in Cumbria for a week then at my mothers last week; neither places where I stayed had internet access so I'm glad to be back because I've really missed you all !

Well I don't know where the time has gone - one minute I have 5 weeks off then the next I have just this week to go and then back to work on Monday!

WDWGFH - well done you for making that final decision regarding DP and sticking with it. And well done for 'keeping going back' to Al Anon....it is amazing to find out what has made us make the life choices that we do; invariably it can be traced back to childhood events/situations. These can be incredibly painful to examine but they are the key to our recovery. It sounds like you have made tremendous progress in such a short time.

PHN - I am so sorry that life is being harsh to you, and that on top of everything else you are being made to feel that you have no choice but to put up with this particularly intolerable behaviour from your P - and it must be so hard being pg all at the same time.

Mind is an excellent idea - they are a free service as well (they were when I used them in 2001!). This horrible period will pass, life will get better. You need to ensure that when your P starts up, you don't react to it. It is so hard to do at first but you really must. Once you react to him he will see that he has won and he will keep on doing it. I so hope you manage to get some positivity and strength back once you stop reacting to him; it takes practice, but this is something that you can do. Please keep posting - at least to let us know you are ok.

LST - you are so right; nothing is ever as bad as living with an active addict; having 2/52 away from my H has really emphasised this.

I still have to put up with H living here whilst the divorce is finalised; I'm hoping that it won't be too long now before he has to leave for good and then DD & I can get some sort of order and calm in place. He hasn't been back to AA - I hope that one day he does, but that is something I have no power over.

SS - I hope you don't have to wait too long before your ex moves out, and you can enjoy life without an addict.

I've told him I'm going to start videoing him on my phone when he starts going on at me, as I think he doesn't even realise how bullying he is towards me. He's like 2 different people. I have no idea how much this has to do with his addiction though. He hasn't taken anything for 3 weeks, but still seems to feel it's ok to talk to me like I'm some kind of misbehaving minor employee and he's God.

Tonight he asked for the telephone number of a supplier, as I have it on old phone bills, so he could pay off the last £20. Then I called him, and he was there, and it seemed like he planned to stay for a while. I didn't feel as angry as usual, more pitying mixed in with some despair and some anger. I sent him texts with a photo of dd, amd a vidoe of him and dd. I didn't know if he'd even look at them as he doesn't like reading my texts. I often prefer to write what I think as I find it easier to put down clearly what I think and feel, rather than saying it in an argument. But I hoped it might make him think twice if he looked. Anyway, he's just phoned and says he didn't do anything. Usually he wouldn't call if he had, so I'm hoping it's the case.

I hate feeling vulnerable to the whims of an addict

PHN - what you described is exactly how H is; all addicts are "two different people"...the Jekyll & Hyde personas.

Nice of him to phone you - but you need to stop trying to control the situation (and reacting to his behaviour) by sending him texts & videos of him & DD. It's another stick to beat him with when he doesn't respond to you, and then you'll end up feeling even worse!

When H rocked up at DD's creche, pissed up, that eve. I wrote it all down and gave him a copy - he promptly ripped it up, but I have kept mine. It is all going to be used as evidence but it is also quite cathartic to write down specific events as they happen seperately, not like in a diary (far too depressing - tried that 2 years ago and on reading it back felt ready to do myself a damage! Not Good!)

However, I keep a diary now and use it to see how much I have progressed. I used to feel the same as you - extremely vulnerable, but I don't now. I feel positively empowered .

PHN - good idea about videoing him, I've played back drunken answerphone messages to P when he's sober and it really shocked him to hear it. Didn't make any difference though
SS - we've missed you too, I thought this thread was dead and I'm so glad its back again.
Things between me and P are much the same. (I've dropped the 'd' for now!!) He's still waiting for the counselling, still denying things. He told someone yesterday he hadn't had a drink since Friday - he hasn't been out for a drink, but is still drinking at least a bottle of wine a night. I'm trying my best to ignore him when he's on the piss but I do find it harder and harder to forget it when he comes back and I'm starting to enjoy being on my own so much that I can't see me ever living with him (or anyone) properly again.

Hi GU - missed you too!

Well H is due back today from his parents - but because the weather is so appalling I'm hoping that he puts it off until tomorrow (they live in the middle of nowhere, one bus a day to nearest town...)when his dad & brother are back from their golf hols - one of them may feel charitable enough to run him to the station. DD said "does that mean Daddy will be back to be sick on the carpet and smash things up?" Quite!

I am off out shortly so I won't be here if he does come back . I shudder to think how much alcohol he has packed away during this time, but it is all beyond my control - I shall be getting on with my life and that of DD from now on. As far as I'm concerned he is very much persona non grata in this house. I'm not interested anymore .

I'm also relieved so see the thread back in action - though I can see myself splashing out on a laptop in the not so distant future...

about what your dd said.
DS1 often asks me "is P coming to us tonight or is he drunk again?". Breaks my heart - they shouldn't have to be aware of that at their age should they?
Hope he stays away till tomorrow

No he hasn't - he arrived unexpectedly just as I was going out .

He walked into the house, in this fog of "alcoholic BO" (you partners of alcoholics will know exactly what I mean!!)- really not nice at all after having 2/52 away from it....the smell hit me like a punch in the guts. I had obviously started to become immune to it before I left, much like most of his intolerable behaviour.

AAARRGH!!! It is as though he has now contaminated our precious serenity with that poisonous odour, so God only knows what it is all doing to his innards! He was twittering on about 'what food do I want tonight, (then) Oh yes, I forgot, you have your meeting tonight (Al Anon)' - I didn't react to any of it. Just said I would see him later (worse luck!!).

Anyway, I am in the computer room at work, clearing emails for when I'm back on Mon. and waiting for a couple of mates to finish teaching so we can catch up.

It is back to the solicitors tomorrow to go through all the finances (I'm looking forward to doing that!). I so want it all to end now and for him to just GO . May not be able to post in peace for a couple of days or so!

Keep strong everyone! SSX

OMG I so hate that alcoholic BO. P came round tonight after a session yesterday. He's sober but I couldn't go near him till he'd had a bath. I told him he smelt like a wino. I think it starts coming out of their pores the day after and it does fill the house - its rank.
Hope it gets sorted quickly and as painlessly as possible then you can move on to a bright new alky free future.
Hope all the others on here are OK.

Hi GU

Think your son is a very perceptive young man.
No they should not have to be aware of that at their tender age. It does affect their outlook emotionally.

Do you feel there is a danger that history will repeat itself again?.

Hi Attila - good to 'see' you.
I really don't think that history will repeat itself now.
P knows that he doesn't come anywhere near my dc if he's been drinking (even after a couple of pints) I am fiercely protective of them on that issue and won't back down at all. Its not negotiable after the events over Christmas.
The thing is he is not their real Dad and they have a brilliant relationship with their real father, who is very boring sensible and a great role model!
They think of P as my boyfriend and we do have quality time together with his dd when he is sober. He doesn't live with us although he stays over when he isn't drinking so they are kept well away from it now.
I won't take them to pubs or expose them to drink in any way shape or form because I don't want to give them a childhood like mine. Pubs are for grown ups imo.
My only worry is that I will protect them too much so that when they hit their teens drinking will seem all the more appealing.
Can't win can we?

Gup - I'm glad you're enjoying living on your own. How's it working out having your p as your boyfriend? Are you hoping he'll get clean, or are you just content to have things as they are? At least you don't have to live with the chaos.

SS I'm sure you can't wait til he's gone. I think it's so strong of you to be able to avoid reacting to him.

I guess addicts are jekyll and hyde, but how long does that last? As far as I know (and I can't be entirely sure of course), he hasn't taken anything for 3.5 weeks, though he drinks occasionally (not to excess) which I think is probably best avoided if you're any kind of addict. But I think he can be quite emotionally abusive, constantly haranguing me about things. Like today he wanted to moan about there still being my mum's stuff in the house, and needing to clear it out. I said I had a headache, was tired, and was going to lie down as dd having a nap, and would talk to him later, but he came in the room (where she was aslep) and carried on going on at me... it's like he has to have his way, and cannot stand anyone trying to deny him anything.

He wanted to borrow my debit card today to take money out so he could go out. I said no, but I could get him some money out, but didn't trust him to give him the card. He just went on and on about how unreasonable I am, how he'll just keep any money he can, and go out when he wants.
Of course I can understand he doesn't want money doled out to him. But since he's insisted on staying here, and taken on a mortgage, I am not prepared to risk him spending all our money and leaving us in financial difficulties. I'm not prepared to leave him to it while mine and dd's security is affected my his actions. If we could live separately and not be financially tied, then he could do as he pleased.

By the way, apparently it did help, me sending him photo/ video of dd. I talked to him about how in addiction theory, this could be seen as trying to control his actuions etc, but he said that it's not that straightforward. In counselling it would be seen as intervention, rather than control, and that if someone's having counselling, the counsellor would say things like, what about your family, how do you think it will affect them etc... and this was the same sort of thing. After all, I wasn't stopping him taking drugs, just trying to prompt him to have a thought about the consequences of his actions.

My life is pretty miserable with him. I think I hate him. I feel so hostile and angry towards him. He's been texting and emailing other women as well, his theory is that's he's not planning on doing anything physical, and it's a distraction from his addiction. But it's another betrayal. What is there for me in this relationship? No friendship, support, trust. Yet he still says he loves me, wants to marry me one day, how I've helped him believe he can overcome his addiction etc. And although I don't want to be with him, I feel so upset and destroyed that he wants to go out all the time, that's he's contacting other women. It's crazy! I'm obviously loopy. Or maybe I can blame pg hormones????

Sorry, I only pop in here every now and again because I name change, and can't be bothered to change it often, but I always read. Sorry for huuuuge post

Hope you're all well

Actually, maybe I'm not loopy, as I don't know that I'm simply upset HE is acting this way... preferring to be out than in with family, watching porn, but only interested in sex with me if high, texting women etc... I think a large part of my deep sadness/anger etc is that I have such a rubbish relationship.. is it really too much to ask to have someone normal who cares about me (and acts it, not just says it) and thinks I'm special, and wants to spend time with me, and that I can feel that way too?

PHN no its not too much to ask at all and you are definitely not loopy.
He's really treating you like dirt and you really don't deserve this.
It seems to me that he's doing enough to keep you with him but not enough to make you happy. OK so he's stopped taking drugs, but he's replaced that with texting other women. Just because he's not doing anything physical doesn't make it OK. Does he think you will put up with it because you are so grateful that he's off the drugs now?
As for him telling you you've given him the strength to overcome his addiction, well he's using that as emotional blackmail "stay with me or I'll go back on it again and it will be all your fault" Typical addict behaviour, passing all the responsibility for his actions on to you.
Is he having counselling at all? Would he go to Relate with you? Maybe it would take something like that to make him look at himself and how he's behaving.
You sound so down in your post and I really feel for you and my instinct is to tell you to get rid of him once and for all, but I know that won't help matters
As for me, well P and I are getting on great at the moment. He went out for the day to watch the football in the pub on Saturday and I had a lovely day on my own with the dc. He came back Sunday morning and we had a good day together. He's working away most of this week so I won't see him till the weekend now. I've given up hoping he'll stop drinking, I'm just enjoying the time we have when he's sober and trying not to think too hard about how this will work long term.
Hope everyone else is well.

Hi GUP

So he's been in the pub again. He seems to go hardly anywhere else, infact I don't think he does go anywhere else socially. Even though he does not live with you you still have him in your lives and with all the chaos that inevitably follows in his wake.

I still recall what that man did to you.

I think as well you my friend are burying your head in the sand particularly with regards to your last sentence. You need to start thinking long and hard.

GUP, you are worth do much more than he could ever give you. I think you do all the giving and he does all the taking. That's all he will ever do.

One step up and two steps back was my immediate thought I read this message of yours.

I am glad that your boys do have one good male role model in their lives in the shape of their birth father. They need a good male role model now more than ever.

I asked originally whether you thought history was repeating itself and you said no. There is however, learnt behaviour here though with regards to your good self. You yourself had an alcoholic dad and now you and your boys have an alcoholic man present in their lives albeit not on a permanent basis. You see a pattern here?

You give good counsel to others GUP, I think though that you do not take heed of your own good advice.