SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Hi Bajangirl. Thank you for that. It's lovely to hear a success story on here, it will give us all hope I'm sure.
I can't see my xp ever going that far along the road tbh although I wish with all my heart that he would.

Hi Ginnedup,

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do until they're good and ready, no matter how many times you try to get them to see sense.
I used to try and talk to DH when he was either coming down or sobering up and feeling like shit and rather sorry for himself. I remember being at work when i got a call from him saying he was on his way into rehab for a week, i have to say though that was the hardest and longest week of my life, i couldn't speak to him at all. The night he came home, the first place he went was the pub, of course i went along to keep an eye, and he was really good, he wanted to do it to prove to himself that he could. All of his old drinking buddies are still on the path of destruction, but he stills see them, only in moderation.

Hi Ginned up

sorry I didnt see your post earlier this week.

Im sorry your xp went straight back to the pub - that must be so difficult after everything you have been through. Is he still living with you ? what a shame he couldnt stick to being sober......

Hi bajangirl - welcome and thanks for sharing your story - its certainly nice to know that it can be done!

my dh is at home still, still clean ( now 6 months since he has used) and much calmer. he's still totally wrapped up in 'recovery' atm and not able to look at any issues apart from the immediate. How log did it take your partner bajangirl to be 'normal' again ?

still, Im much much better off than many others and an so grateful that once he realised it was his family or the drugs, the drugs went...

hugs to all who need them. Hope you are ok PHN, SS and WDWGFH

lst x

I'm fine thankyou girls!

Just a quickie as I'm at my stepmothers and I've been doing all my other emails.

H got the papers last week - he is acting as if nothing will change between us, and it is really weird. He hasn't mentioned getting them but I know he has.

He has been to 3 AA meetings now, and I am pleased for him.

I feel so much more in control. Just got to see if he responds within the 2 week timeframe.....

Will write more when I get back next week.

SS xx

Hello LST. Glad your dh is doing so well.
Dp went off on Wednesday. His stuff is still here but I am just waiting for him to come and clear it out. I don't want him taking it when dc are here as they will get upset and he'll say its all my fault I'm kicking him out etc, etc. Its all so predictable and boring.
I saw him walking past our house tonight as I was putting the rubbish out, he was still wearing Wednesdays clothes, hadn't shaved (or washed either I presume he muttered something about taking me out for Mothers Day tomorrow and I said I'd rather spend the day with my dc and my Mum, the people who really matter to me.
Its so hard to see him like that - he looked like a tramp, it broke my heart, but it made it easier in a way as it makes me sure I've done the right thing.
SS hope your H carries on with AA and good for you going ahead with the divorce.

Hi LST,

i would say it took my DH somewhere between 6-12 months before things started to get back to "normal", I never really saw him, he used to go to meetings every night nearly, if i saw him two of the seven it was alot i really just had to go with the flow. I couldn't bother him with my own worries or concerns for fear that it might be to much for him and he'd relapse.
I will say one thing though hon, each person goes through recovery differently and it might be longer, it really is the hardest part, even now i can see DH struggling at times, he doesn't even have a sponsor, he just goes to the meetings when he feels he needs to i.e. if he's had a really stressful day at work.
One good thing that came out of all this is my son, we got married in 2004 and started ttc straight away but nothing!! 2 1/2 years later i fell pregnant, 8 months after he sobered up, the day i found out was the day we received letter in the post for our first IVF appointment. I personally believe that everything in life happens for a reason as i don't think DH could've coped with having a baby around and our marriage would've ended before it began.
I really hope DH remains on the wagon and realises that you and the children are more important than the bottom of the bottle.

Hello my older kids dad was and still is adicted to the weed. its been almost 9 years since we split up and yet last month i had to change my house phone number as he was pissed off cause the kids dont want him in their lives ( are we allowed to swear on here ?) It does get easier but it never seems to end . Never give up keep going.xx

Any one out there have a partner who values the betting shop openeing time as vitally important ?? Need some advice on whether to carry on living in this life or to try and move on ??

Angie I would say that all addicts fundamentally have the same problem, that the relationship with the substance - or with gambling/shopping/sex whatever it is comes first. Nothing and nobody else is nearly as important. That is destructive to relationships and families

If your partner is putting his need to gamble before you and your family then he is addicted and you have a problem.Does he recognise that it is a problem ? is he willing to change?

GA would be a good place to start

Angie I would say that all addicts fundamentally have the same problem, that the relationship with the substance - or with gambling/shopping/sex whatever it is comes first. Nothing and nobody else is nearly as important. That is destructive to relationships and families

If your partner is putting his need to gamble before you and your family then he is addicted and you have a problem.Does he recognise that it is a problem ? is he willing to change?

GA would be a good place to start

Hello everybody! I haven?t been around in ages as February was awful. I didn?t know if he will agreed to sell his share to me and this was driving me slowly crazy, i.e. not sleeping and constantly being angry. Thankfully, things did happened.

I was gambling on the fact that he would accept the buy out because of his debts and he did have an Eureka moment after 6 weeks at SS. He lasted so long because his mother was paying his credit card bills, shame she still refuses to attend al-anon.

Anyway, on the same day, we signed the Termination of Cohabitation Agreement and he sold the flat to me ! Liberating moment especially as at the time I was with friends and family, having a wonderful time with DS .

However all is not done as he is still in the flat , he insisted on a few weeks to vacate to find a ?suitable accommodation?. I haven?t been able to establish ground rules as he?s still a drunk and cannot understand anyone else?s POV. I have removed him from the bedroom to the sofa and every single utility bills and accounts regarding the flat.

I have spent 10 days with DS on my own and I?ve discovered a very happy little lad, exactly like the childminder describes him but not quite the same as he is with XP. When DS is with me he makes a big show of gently stroking the cat (he?s been told off a few times for striking her and I thought this had stopped). The other day, as soon as XP came back to the flat DS kicked the cat. Either he was being naughty or more worryingly he?s feeling stress/angry with XP?s drunkenness/shouting and takes it on the cat. Not sure what to think of this but he?s definitely whingier when XP is there and just gets on with it when on his own with me.

I have read all your posts and am thinking of you.

Hi everyone, I am keeping well and sane - though the same cannot be said of my H who is still in denial about the divorce....but that hasn't stopped him from telling his parents!

I dropped them both off at the weekend so I could go & help my stepmother redecorate so she can sell up (this was planned all along for this year but Dad got ill just as they were making a start).

His parents were really quite unfriendly which was hard to take but I talked to my sponsor about it tody - she said that it just goes to show what happens when the wife/husband gets off the merry-go-round. I was enabling not just him but them as well.

I have had a good hard look at just how good my relationship was with them and it was uncomfortable to come to the realisation that it was only good because I was enabling them as well as H. They are also heavy drinkers, and I used to do all the driving and bend over backwards to ensure that his parents werent put out at all. After all, I wasn't disabled like his mother and had the energy to do it. And of course, the more I did the more was expected of me!

And they have probably come to realise just how sick H is and that now I'm divorcing him it will be their problem to deal with.

Having said that, H is still going to AA once a week - nowhere near enough but it is better than nothing at all for him. He wants to do it 'his way' but unfortunately he has an awful lot to learn. He got drunk and took too many painkillers (he has bashed his hand - yet again!!) last Thurs. night and he said ' you won't get rid of me in a hurry!'. I didn't react, but ignored it all, which made him say 'I'm fully expecting the divorce papers from you any day now' - and I know he already has them. Pathetic, really. But he is desperate for me to react.

Sorry, I've just realised how much I'm rambling on here.

Good to hear that you are ok WDWGFH.
BG - I am pleased to hear that your DP is carrying on with his recovery; and I've heeded your words 'everyone's recovery is different' - of course, an element of me is still trying to control H by telling him what he should be doing/not doing as far as his recovery goes!
LST, GUP, Princess & Atilla - I hope you are all ok too.

Hi SS. Maybe your ILs aren't happy because you have made your H face up to his drinking and it may make them face up to their own part in that. That's an uncomfortable truth to have to face.
I now rather enjoy not reacting to DP's drunken attempts to get a reaction from me. Its all so predictable. The last time he started I just agreed with everything he said and it took the wind right out of his sails!
He's had a sober weekend, sent me flowers at work, took me for dinner on Friday, bought a game for the boys and generally been nice as pie, but I've come to the conclusion (at last!!) that this never lasts and he will always succumb to the drink (as he has tonight ). I will enjoy his company when he's sober and avoid him when he's drunk, and he will never live in my house again. I can't help him and I don't want to anymore, he's on his own now and he can deal with the consequences of his actions by himself. I feel quite empowered now having finally come to this realisation and I am concentrating on putting my boys and myself first for once.
Hope everyone else is doing OK.

GUP - I'm so pleased for you and your boys that you have your serenity now he has gone.

My H has got himself a solicitor and has replied to mine at last...yesterday was D-Day, I was fully expecting him to not respond within the 2/52 timeframe!

Then last night he got very drunk and mentioned the divorce for the first time - and I said I had no intention of discussing anything whilst he was pissed up! This am before I went to work, DD was saying goodbye to him and I said that I still loved him but that I could no longer live with him.

He is off to his parents today and is staying over the weekend. The temptation to change the locks is very very strong...but I shall restrain myself and just enjoy a peaceful weekend!

If I have time today, I shall look back on all our previous posts and see how far we have all come!

Thanks SS. Glad he signed the papers and you will hopefully have a stress free weekend.
Its so nice to get to the end of the week and not have to worry about how to get through the weekend piss ups.
I even bought myself a bottle of wine last week and it lasted nearly the whole week, he would have downed it in one before I'd got half way down my first glass!

SS & GUP glad you seem to be in control, and doing well.

He is still going to meetings, and also speaks to a sponsor I guess, which is good. Though he also confessed to taking drugs agin once in the 4/5 weeks he was supposedly clean, which has upset me, but hey, I guess he's doing better than he was.

I really don't think I feel anything for him now, though boil with rage, and hate himself sometimes for the way he behaves towards me. He thinks he can come here whenever because he wants to, whatever I say. How disrespectful is that.

And yesterday he found out his mum (who I told) told his 20 year old sister who has uni exams at the moment, and sister is very upset. Now apparently this is all my fault, and he will never forgive me, have future with me if she is ill/has break down or something from this - easier to blame me, rather than primarily himself for taking drugs - and it was his mum's decision to tell his sister, not mine.

Think he always finds it easiest to blame all around him (chiefly me )

Pg going well though

BG - did you find it hard to forgive your dh for all the crap times he put you through? Wasn't your relationship damaged?

Hello Princess. I was wondering how you are getting on. Its good to hear he's going to the meetings and has got a sponsor.
It may be too little too late though, he's still not treating you very well and blaming you for the consequences of his own bad behaviour.
Glad to hear pg going well - how long have you got to go now?

My mum is with a man who disgusts and repulses me. I have such violent feelings towards him that I have enough strength of hatred inside me to to murder him - no joke. I have even thought about how I would do it. And yes, I am seeing a psychotherapist.

The reasons for all this hatred? My mum is in a codependent relationship with him, AND he has an alcohol addiction. She supports him entirely, he doesn't earn a penny and lives a lavish lifestyle thanks to my mother's money (oh, all of which she got from my dad through their divorce...)My mu doesn't earn a penny either, although she has a half-hearted career as an artist which is going nowhere slowly.

To top it all, I am still trying to extricate myself from this messed-up relationship with my mother who has been controlling my life and almost made me a victom too, while her man has abused me emotionally, psychologically and verbally for years, in her house and in front of her. She doesn't love him yet she bizarrely thinks she couldn't cope without him. I have made efforts to try to exmplain some of these things to her gently, but she absolutely refuses to believe any of it, because she can't see the situation and the patterns she is in.

She used to have so much potential - beautiful, intelligent, artistic and musical, as well as compassionate, caring and loving, yet she has nearly thrown her whole life away (ok ok, she's 58 but that seems pretty old to me as i'm still a lucky young thing) - and this man has sucked her into seeing the world as he does - the world he inhabits is narrow and fearful and full of hatred for other people and humanity. She's not that bad but she's getting sucked in by him and it is SO painful and difficult to accept because she's my MOTHER and slowly, bit by bit, I have lost her completely to this abusive violent aggressive pigheaded hateful and disgusting man, AND WHY CAN SHE NOT SEE IT FOR HERSELF?!?!?!?!?

My psychologist told me I have to learn to accept it and give up hoping she can change. It just seems like the greatest tragedy to watch one's own parents' lives slip away, much like what it must feel like as a parent to watch one's children go astray - but somehow worse because children still have time to grow up and sort things out yet parents have more of their lives already behind them and less time, or inclination, left to change. The grief is driving me mad.

LAB - I am so saddened to hear that your mother & P's appalling behaviour has affected you so badly.

I know you are in therapy but have you thought of going to Al Anon to help you to deal with this?

I found that after a year of Al Anon I was able to change the way I was reacting to my H's behaviour. I was able to see and understand why he had behaved over the past 5 years in much the same way your mothers P is at the moment - they sound like one and the same person!

H was verbally completely vile and poisonous when he was in a blackout (daily), stopped caring for himself, being sick every day - and sometimes not getting to the loo in time, had lost his job, been in hospital, and was eventually unable to get up at all, so missed dd's 4th birthday.

Meanwhile, I was enabling by balancing all the plates - I was working full time, managing our dd (he became incapable and dangerous), keeping house, caring for sick rellies, doing extra shifts and for what? I could just about deal with the above over the past year, only because of Al Anon. I was hoping that a change in my behaviour would help him to help himself.

And I was then able to see and realise what constituted unnaceptable behaviour and was able to put sensible boundaries in place - ie. if he ever hit me, hit our dd, or behaved appallingly in front of her - once he crossed any of those then that was it.

The end came when he ripped up our wedding photo and smashed an ornament we had bought on honeymoon in front of a hysterical dd and that was enough. I filed for divorce, and I have never looked back.

It hasn't been easy; as far as I was concerned I didn't want to ever break my marriage vows. Even 5 years of unnacceptable behaviour was too much but I had to look at my own part in retaliating, and this last year has been a revelation - if only I had the courage to go to Al Anon earlier on but honestly, it is never too late.

H did hit rock bottom 5/52 ago when my dad died. He as very upset as he was fond of him and went on a massive bender - perfect excuse to do so! The following week he went to AA for the first time and has been about 4 times. Not enough but better than nothing!

I haven't changed my mind, I am still going ahead with the divorce.

I'm only sharing what I've been through personally to give you some idea of how bad it was before I had to call it a day. Some of the people who have posted have been through far worse - if you can, read back.

And all thanks to Lemonstartree who started this thread, because it's been fab to be able to let off steam to people who know exactly what it is you are going through. We have all been there and you are never alone here. We can share what has happened/has/hasn't worked/give advice. And knowing that the support is there if you are desperate - well that is such a comfort.

Please keep posting, LAB.

Hope everyone else is ok too.

LAB - I'm so sorry to hear your Mum won't see sense and leave this man, even if it means she may ultimately lose you.
Thank you for posting on here - your post will help us all see the effect all this will have on our dc in the future, if we continue to enable this disgusting behaviour.
My dad was an alcoholic, and it took my Mum 18 years to finally divorce him and I have the utmost respect for her, she is now remarried to a lovely man, who is now more of a dad to me than my own ever was.
Maybe one day your Mum will find the courage to end this abusive relationship, but in the meantime, don't let it drag you down. Go to Al Anon, carry on with your therapy and why not show her this thread, maybe reading it might help her as its helped so many of us.

Hi there PHB,

people used to say to me my shoulders were very broad and i could take alot. However that was not always the case, the amount of tears i shed for DH as i'm sure all of you have done at some point is huge.
Anyways as for forviving DH, i came to understand alcoholism and that it is actually an illness in the persons make-up, it's not them as a person, you either have an addictive personality or you don't, but things that happen in their past can effect whether or not they latch onto drugs/alcohol, some people don't they go onto become something.
When DH was recovering he became the person i fell in love with originally, so everything that happened before was in the past, and if was to have left, i believe it would have sent him on an even further downward spiral. Drink and drugs as you know alters a persons behavior, so when they're sober or clean they are alot easier to be around. I've never had a drink in my life beacause of my epilepsy and i've never done drugs, so i think somehow in my weird world that made it easier, because if i was drunk as well there is no way we'd of stayed together.
My suggestion would be to go along to Al-anon pick up the books that they give to partners and have a read it would give you an insight of sort as to why people become addicts and how you can support them.

Thanks for sharing that, BG.

• I have been wondering if I ever really knew the 'real' H at all because looking back now, it was very evident that there was already a problem.

I read what Sian Lloyd had to say about Lembit Opik in an excerpt(in the M-O-S)from her new book - and their relationship sounded just like ours used to be.

It was a bit of an eye-opener, because it kind of spelled out just how bad and more unnacceptable the behaviour was becoming as the time went on.

Hi everyone.
Hope you have a Happy and stress free Easter!
Ginnedup
x

I've had a wonderful Easter - H went to his parents, whilst DD & I went to my mums. I got to go to a friends 40th party, stayed with another friend overnight then went back to mums today for Easter Lunch.

I've just got back to the house as I'm working tomorrow. I am having an op on Tues, so DD is staying at mums for the week and another friend is picking me up (hopefully if all goes well!) the day after, and taking me to her place for a couple of days recuperation. Then I'm going back to mums to collect DD.

I am having 5/52 off sick because my worry is that all the shit I've endured so far this past 4 years is going to hit the fan big time - so I'm not taking any chances!

So I will keep you posted - I'm not worried in the least about the op; I suppose in a sick way that has to be a +ve after everything else that has happened!! And another +ve is having some much needed time to myself - I've already made tentative plans to have girly lunches etc!!

H asked if he could come and see me - I said that was very kind of him but that I would rather he didn't. I think he is coming back to the house on Tues but TBH I don't really care what he does or doesn't do. I won't be around for the next week - but I will get posting again asap.

Happy Easter everyone, Take every care of yourselves! SSx

Wishing you a speedy recovery SS and enjoy your much needed me-time.