SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Thanks guys
We had an awful day with her on thursday, I ended up driving an hour and a half in thick fog to go and get her and bring her back to mine as she completely lost the plot.
She's much better now, more with it and making plans. The thing is she's more angry at our parents, especially my mum, than she is at exP and I don't understand why. When I asked her she said its because they keep saying stuff like maybe its for the best etc which she doesn't want to hear at the moment. I can understand that but she's showing no anger wotsoever toward exP in fact she's constantly worrying about whether he's OK and not putting any pressure on him and trying to be his friend which apparetnly he wants!!! I just don't understand her, I feel more angry than she seems to. In fact its making me angry at her too

pheebe, I dont really know what to say - except that you sister probably needs time to feel the (nomal) emotions that you already feel on her bahalf. Living with an addict pushes you into the 'parent' role looking after a 'child'; and like the 'parent' you worry about your 'child'. I expect she just neds time........

SS hope you are ok - has your H had the papers yet?

PHN - has he gone ?? If he is clean and genuinely committed to cahnge he may yet be able to come home - only he can decide that..

GU - hope things are going ok for you and your dp

lst xx

LST is spot on. It is hard for those not in the midst of all this chaos to understand, which is why I think you will find this thread helpful.
I'm sure all of us have at some stage or another felt responsible for our partners, even when they behave appallingly. In my case even after dp was violent towards me and I threw him out in the middle of the night I was worrying if he was OK, where was he? Also, I have called him all the names under the sun when he's been bad, but I really get quite protective if anyone else badmouths him. Stupid eh?
Don't be too hard on your sister, I know it is frustrating for you to see her still sticking up for him after what he's done, but it sounds like in some ways she understands why he has done it and still wants to help / look after him.
She sounds like a lovely person and I wish I had a sister as supportive as you.

bump for snuffler

So my dh has been home for almost 4 weeeks now, and has been clean for almost 6 months. We went back to our marriage councellor on Tues and she helped me to see a few things more clearly...

thing is , he is a much much nicer person now he is not using. He is 'available' to me emotionally - you can have a converstaion with him about stuff and feel he IS listening.., he is not agressive or abusive at all, and I cant imagine that he will be. DS1 is so pleased to have him home - he is 9 and from wetting the bed almost every night has now had almost 3 weeks dry........ all this is good. I am pleased to see him at the end of teh day and there is much more time for us as a coupl - and we are making time to go out and do things together....

BUT....he is totally wrapped up in each day as it is..........you know the 'one day at a time' thing for adddicts... dont use TODAY. Its like he cant see the bigger picture or make any plans or strategies to manage some of the very real problems that there are with the kids. He is apathetic and cant 'see' any of the things that need to be done with the kids or in the house. If I ask him to do anything he will do, willingly, but I have to think of it first.

the therapist asked me what I expected of him - and I guess the answer is " Not to take drugs, not to ba abusive to me or the children and to go to work". But I am hoping for so much more...

sorry to moan - I know its early days and I have so much to be grateful for. aand he IS doing so well, an has demonstrated such committment to being sober and clean that I should just be thanksful and shut up.........but sometinme I feel like I have aquired an xtra child...

SS hope your dad is ok, and things are going alone with your H.

how is everyone else??

Hi LST. Can I ask was your dh like this before the drugs or is this as a result of him being clean again?
It's great to hear the affect it is having on your ds and that he is nicer with you too.
I'm quite happy at the moment. Things have settled down nicely at home and I'm enjoying my job. Dp is still not drinking and making tons of effort. The niggling doubt is still there at the back of my mind but I think it always will be tbh. I'm hoping our Relate sessions come through soon as I think we would really benefit from it now. I do have serious trust issues (his fault I know!) and I am finding it hard to believe that this will work so the more I mistrust dp the more likely he is to fail. Does that make sense?
SS - hope your dad is OK. Thinking of you.

Hi GU - glad to hear things are going better. Its some time your dp has beeen sober now - thats good.....do you still have the feeling that he is doing it only for you - or is there some feeling that hes doing it for himself becaise he needs to ???

In answer to your question - he used to be more busy and helpful round the house - he was able to 'see' things that needed doing and do then - HOWEVER he was not able to see any kind of bigger picture wrt the kids or finance or planning - and was totally unwilling/unable to talk about those issues. I think partly its that hes never 'had' to grow up....he started using at 14 and has used drugs or alcohol to manage every single difficult thing that has happenned to hims ince. He has never HAD to plan how to develop his career or plan how to afford to pay for Christmas because his parents ( ot later me) have always bailed hi out. He spend the whole of his 20s pissed - where the only thing that really matterred was partying at the weekend...........and the lon term effects are showing now.

Interestinglt the counsellor asked me what effet his drug using and abuse had had on me - and all I could say was - " I havnt had time tothink that through yet" and thats the truth. I have been so busy holding it all together, worrying for the kids, managing practically etc etc that I havnt had the chance to guage the emotional impact of all this on me ...

even now I dont leave him with all 3 kids, I get a baysitter if I have to be out and he is home. He sok with the eldest two, but not all 3 together. It will take a long time before I fully trust him

HI LST. I'm still not certain really. I think its a combination of the two. He's obviously doing it for us because he doesn't want to lose us but I hope its for himself as well.
It sounds like your dh has to relearn everything from scratch! I guess that will be a long process but worth it in the end. Like my dp he has to learn how to cope with what life throws at him without drinking / using drugs.
Typical isn't it that we are the ones looking after everyone else and our feelings and emotions get forgotten along the way.

Hi everyone

Thankyou for all your thoughts.

Well 4 nights after the surgery, dad deteriorated and died. There wasn't anything else that could be done - so when that was realised we all sat down and had a discussion with one of his surgeons and with dad to decide to start him on the Liverpool Care Pathway, which meant that he was started on a morphine infusion and died completely pain free. That was what we were most concerned about, and although it was quick we had all had precious time with him and were able to say goodbye.

Of course, I was dreading telling H about all this because I knew what he was likely to do. And sure enough, he went on a bender to end all benders. When I rang him on the Sun. night so he could say goodnight to DD he was incoherently drunk.

But you will not believe what happened on the Mon AM when I rang my Al Anon sponser (to let her know what had happened with Dad). Her husband had had a call from H to say that he had hit rock bottom and needed help - he had rung him after ringing me the previous night. And the on Mon night he went to his first AA meeting .

Of course, I am not going to cancel the divorce - I am still going ahead with it. The papers have gone to court and then they get sent back to my solicitor so we can decide what day they will be served on H.

H is talking to me as if that one AA meeting has changed everything, and that we can just get back to normal when I get home - that will not be happening. I am very pleased for him to have made the first step but he has an awful long way to go; the earlier he realises the better. It will be interesting to see what will happen when the papers are served and how sincere he is about getting sober.

I have to go now as I'm on my stepmothers computer. I will be going back home on Sun so will catch up with you all next week sometime.

Thankyou all for listening - it has been great to be able to have a quick catch up! SSx

SS Im sorry to hear about your Dad , but glad to hear the end was not painful or long drawn out. At least you got to say goodbye...

at your H !! maybe, maybe this is the shock he needs???

qgree however that you need to put yourself and DD first and press on with the divorce, sorry no time to write more atm but thinking of you

lst x

SS - I'm so sorry about your Dad, but pleased that you had chance to spend time with him and say Goodbye.
I hope your H does realise how low he has sunk now and will continue with the AA. Do you think it is too little too late though? He failed you when you needed him most and it sounds like he knows it.
Good for you going on with the divorce. He has to know you really mean business this time.
You are in my thoughts
x

Secretsquirrel

Was saddened to read of your Dad's death. I am glad to read that he was pain free when he passed.

I am glad you mean business with him re the divorce hard as that will be for you and by turn your DD.

Also there are no guarantees here with regards to your soon to be ex H. He may still yet decide to carry on drinking and decide that AA is not for him.

Hi GU

I sincerely hope your man has finally started on the long road to being truly sober but he needs primarily to do it for him as you no doubt realise.

Re your comment:-
"Typical isn't it that we are the ones looking after everyone else and our feelings and emotions get forgotten along the way".

Do you know what I thought when I read that - this is exactly what an enabler would say. The emotional impact of his behaviour on your good self over the years is incalculable.

We can enable anyone, using or not. Our enabling behavior patterns are not directed solely toward the addict and/or the addict's sobriety. Enabling deprives anyone of experiencing the consequences of their own behavior.

When taking responsibility for our own behaviour each one of us must find our own path. Experience teaches us that it is useless to lay out a path for someone else to follow. We must each make our own way to our goal.

When we enable, we put other people's needs before our own.

SS - I'm so sorry to hear of your dad's death, though it's good to hear he was pain free at the end, and it must be some comfort to have been able to say goodbye. My mum died almost a year ago now, and I'm still struggling with it - my heart goes out to you x

LST - he wento to get the keys to his new place on Friday, then came back here that night so he could take out dd in the morning more easily, stayed away Saturday and Sunday nights (though wanted to come back Sun) but has been here every night since, claiming it's so he can get to work on time.

It makes me mad that he's controlling everything again, that because he's decided what's best for him, i must put up with it, regardless of what makes me happy.

Good news is he went to a meeting on Monday and seems to be doing well, though he says he's doing it for us, not himself, which is flawed in my opinion, but he says whatever works.

It mamkes me feel so angry and claustrophobic that I seem to have no say in my life - I mean I know that's feeble, because I could change the locks etc, but surely he should respect what I want. Is that really too much to ask from someone who claims to love me so much.

Sorry for rambling.

Lst - understand totally where you're coming from - feel like he's a teenager or a little boy a lot of the time.

Princesshobnob

This man has his own place yet still comes back to your house to either take DD out more easily or to get to work on time!. Why are you letting this happen to you?. Methinks he should stop using your place as a resthome. He does not respect your wishes in any form.

One day you are really going to explode becasue you continue by your actions to enable him. How do we enable?

We enable addicts by doing things such as:

• Paying their bills, making car payments, covering bounced checks, paying bail, paying traffic tickets;

• Making excuses for their behavior, changing appointments, calling employers on absenteeism, writing late or absentee excuses to schools, covering up for missed family functions;

• Providing the addict with money, clothing, housing and food;

• Caring for the addict's family by allowing them to live with us, taking their children to school, babysitting, etc.

Enabling gives us a false sense of control. We do what society tells us a "good" father, mother, husband, wife, son, daughter or friend should do, but we are not getting the results we desire. We feel frustrated and resentful. Because the addict's behavior does not change, we think we have failed.

Our actions, done with the best of intentions, have back-fired.

Going to meetings whilst good is being done for you which is not. He is more likely to relapse longer term.

Princess. I think you really need to toughen up on him. Attilla is right. He is calling the shots, he is doing what he wants again. Now he has got a bolt hole to go off and do his drugs in and your place for when he feels in the mood to do the family thing. He is using the fact that you want him to leave to suit himself.
I know how hard it is but you are already feeling resentful and like Attilla says you are going to explode if you don't take control back for yourself.
Him tellng you he's going to the meetings for you not for himself is actually giving himself the excuse to fail. He needs a shock, to know that he faces losing you and your dd (and the new baby) if he doesn't clean up his act.
Sorry if I sound a bossy cow, I do know how hard it is to be in that situation, but I worry that you are being manipulated.
I'll shut up and go away now

Hi everyone

Thankyou so much for all your kind thoughts, it means a great deal to me at this difficult time.

I rang my sponser just before I got home yesterday - I was dreading telling H that DD would be going to the new childminder today as it is 1/2 term.

She advised telling him the truth; that she would be better off with other children and not surrounded by drink.

She also told me that H had told her husband (who took him to AA last week and phoned the following day to see how he was) that he was going to another AA meeting on Fri. and had told her husband that he was going to do it 'his way', so her husband has now backed off. She also warned that once he sobered up the day after the night before, he could quite possibly be regretting making that first phonecall and going to that first meeting. But at least he went and he needs to keep going back. Just as I know I need to keep going back to Al Anon.

I was glad that she had told me this because I was forewarned and prepared for what greeted us at home. The house was a tip and he looked and smelt horrible. I guess I was hoping that he would at least make an effort to shave and shower - but it appears that he is carrying on as before, though he has sweared blind that he hasn't had any alcohol and kept on about last weeks AA meeting and that he is going to go again tonight. And I kept remarkably calm the whole evening .

I also realised my mistake in 'expecting too much' (and that it was after only 1 meeting!!) and am glad that I am standing by my decision to divorce despite him making that first step. This past week away from it all has only strengthened my resolve.

I'm sorry I've rambled - next post I will try to be able to offer more constructive help to everyone else. I'm working 4 days this week so will be able to post more (in peace!! ).If he goes to AA tonight I'll be catching up with the housework!!

Giving this a little bump to see how everyone is.
I've been quite busy lately. Dp had an operation this week and is recuperating here. Its going well, only one argument but that was minor. I need to make a decision about whether he stays or goes when he gets better but I'm going to cross that bridge when I get to it. Still no appointment with counsellor, but we've done all we can on that front.
Princess - hope you are OK, and hope my last post to you wasn't to harsh or bossy. Feel free to tell me to shut up if it was.
Hope everyone else is OK - particularly SS. Hope you are coping OK with the grief and your H is still going to his AA meetings.
xxx

Hello.
GUP - no you weren't too bossy just talking sense.
I've toughened up a bit, so he hasn't stayed much.
I asked him to find out the logistics of getting to work each day from each place - he starts at different times, and has different locations, so I could compare and see if any justification for staying here on perhaps 1 night. He still hasn't done that, and when I've got cross at him and said he shouldn't be staying he gets all ridiculous, starts saying I should write down how often he can stay so he is "protected" as thinks I'm punishing him when I'm angry.

I enjoy the peace when he's not here, the freedom from wondering why he's late home, why he hasn't rung etc. On the anniversary of my mum's death though he was supposed to stay here, and stayed out as a friend came over to his place- it seems impossible for him to avoid letting me down. He complains I'm too angry, but it's like it's one thing after another, it all just accumulates, so building my anger against him.

On the plus side, as far as I'm aware he's been clean for nearly 3 weeks, and is talking very positively about how differently he's viewing things now.

tbh I'm not convinced our relationship can recover even if he's clean. I'm not sure I feel anything positive towards him now. Once upon a time he felt like a soul mate, a best friend. I don't think I'd choose to spend time with him nowadays.

I certainly think we'd need relationship counselling before we could be even vaguely ok together.

I feel a bit of a mess at the moment. It's a year since mum died, I'm feeling really down in general. I went to the GP about some counselling, and she gave me some groups to contact, so I've applied to Mind for some counselling, hopefully that'll help, and it's a charity so more affordable.

SS - I'm thinking of you - i hope you're coping. Sometimes I think all the practical arrangements that need to be done help at the beginning as they are something to focus on, but it can hit harder afterwards.

bump for any newbies who may be lurking.

Hope everyone is ok xx

Hi everyone - I've not been around for ages and intend to read and catch up on you all.

My ex is still completely in denial and blaming me for his drinking throughout our relationship - I drove him to it, apparently.

On the bright side, the more time that passes the more I wonder how and why I put up with his drinking for so long. I have bad days but overall feel proud to have taken a stand and refused to tolerate it any more and have a happier and mroe stable home for our dcs.

..and a new lovely sober man!!!!

Will catch up soon

zk - well done !!! re new lovely sober man thats really great news!

I hope you are happy - you really deserve to be

lst x

Wow - ZK that's fantastic! I'm

I'm glad I didn't upset you Princess. You sound really positive now. Hows the pg going?

Well my decision has been made for me. As soon as DP could get on his feet he hobbled straight to the pub. He was stir crazy sitting round the house all day while I was at work. I have to say I'm a bit relieved, much as he's been making an effort lately, something is missing between us and I think we both know that its over.

So now I need me a new sober man - does yours have a brother ZK???

Hi Everyone,

I've never posted on here before, but felt i had to put my own experiences down. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict, he's been clean for 2 years now and regularly attends both AA and NA (narcotics anonymous). We've been together for 9 years and 7 of them were horrendous, we now have a beautiful 11 month old little boy who is the apple of his father's eye.
When he was using he was nasty, everything was my fault, we never had any money, he would run up bar tabs without me knowing of 6-700 pounds in a month.
It all came to a head when he was beginning to have serious panic attacks and throwing up blood, how and i managed to put up with it is beyond me even to this day.
He knows though that the minute i see any sign of him using again i'll be filing for divorce and taking my son. He regularly sees a councellor and a psychiatrist which i feel has done wonders for him. I don't ask him about his meetings or what he talks about with the doc, but if he feels to tell me then so be it.
I wish you ladies lots and lots of luck, i just wanted to tell you that it can be achieved.