SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

First of all - congratulations. I'm sure everything will be fine this time. I had 2 mcs before I had ds1 and I know how precious this lo will be to you.
Regarding your H, you don't have to stay with him just because your pg, you do have other options. Maybe being pg and the thought of having to put up with all this with 2 lo's will give you the strength you need to move on. Or the prospect of another lo might give him the push he needs to get help (you can live in hope!)
Whatever happens, we are all here for you and you can rant to us whenever you like.
Take care of yourself and your little bumpxx

Gup - thank you for your congratulations.
Actually I think it's probably helped me a bit today, as I think it's even worse that he can let us all down again even knowing I'm pg, especially after the mc - I would expect him to be especially supportive but no

..sorry, he just came back from paying off someone, and no doubt he's taken some more though I rang the number I knew he'd used and left a message saying they shouldn't give him any more cos he'd have problems paying them now.

He was sitting there this afternoon crying about how he can't believe what a mess he's making of his life, how his life is fool of good things but he's still behaving like an idiot, promising to go to more help groups, telling me he's started trying to recognise triggers, and avoid them, etc etc.

I feel so cold towards him, his tears and self pitying talk, and trying to hug me, begging for another chance - it just left me feeling empty.

Now he's not so contrite now he's probably got his stuff again. He's searching for porn again now. I so hate and despise him, and pity our child/ren. I'm going to try and get him out this weekend somehow, though not sure how to - it would have been better not to let him in tonight, but I couldn't face all the banging on the door etc that happened last time\as

HE'S DEFINITELY DONE IT AGAIN. THAT'S IT

PHN, I so so feel for you. Congratulations on yor pregnancy, you willl be able to cope - whether you are with him or alone and your baby will be loved.....

I know how hard it is to make that final step, to actually split - its the hardest thing in the world to put YOURSELF first ( and your dc) to believe that you are really really worth more that this.
Try please try - honestly its hard but it IS ok. Then try not to see him at all - let him be someone elses problem for a while. You will need to get your head straight.
Its the ONLY way he is ever gping to realise that you mean what you say and the only way he may ge himself together in the future.......

wdwgfh - your situation sounds truly awful - Im so sorry. any progress ?

GU well done for being strong......is there more peace in thehousehold now ?

we are doing ok. my dh is very different clean - an altogether nicer person. Trust takes time to rebuild but so far so good

lst x

Thanks LST and I'm glad things are still going well for you

The capitals at the end weren't there to be dramatic by the way, just pressed button by accident.

He swears he didn't do it last night, and could be true as was mainly OK, possibly just affected from his indulgence the night before.

It's amazing though that he still this morning refused to get up to take dd to dad's group, as was too tired at 9am (I'd had to get up at 6.30) and said 1 of us should get some rest!!!! Personally I thought it would be reasonable for him to look after her for a couple of hours while I rested then hecould rest all he wanted. He's slept pretty much all day and is still snoring now, while I have been to the supermarket, the park and taken dd and niece to a 2yr birthday party which was 1.5hrs travelling each way. You might think he'd try and show how helpful he can be???

bump- how is everyone ?

Nothing is happening on my side. I?m wondering if he/his solicitor are trying to make me react with court proceeding for the sale of the flat. It is absolutely ridiculous, but if I don?t get a response this week, I will have to do something.

Since his last GP consultation (Thursday), he has been drinking less, was only drunk on Saturday and Sunday. I?m wondering (very suspicious mind, I?m afraid) if he?s been holding back responding on the flat until he could prove to his GP (i.e. officially) that he could control his drinking, therefore be a responsible parent and request 50:50 shared care. He must know/think that as soon as he sells his share to me, he will have to move out.

My last al-anon meet was on control and it made me think, a lot. How big is the part in me opposed to shared care because I don?t like him therefore do not think he?s an adequate father, am I really honest with myself and others believing he could potentially put DS at risk just by being drunk (or drunkenly sleeping). If he does achieve not drinking whilst DS is with him, is it my place to tell him that he would not really be dealing with his addiction? I was brought up by an alcoholic and she never really put my life in danger. However, it only takes once for a fatal accident to happen.

It is really hard to take a step back when I?m right in the eye storm.

Hi everyone - not been able to post as an awful lot has happened in the space of a week.

My dad is seriously ill in hosp. with a brain tumour; we are waiting to find out what the specialists are going to decide to do tomorrow.

H was all set to take DD to his parents for the weekend but I told him he was incapable and if he tried I would call 999. When I told him that we were going to see my dad he backed right off. However, I took the precaution of ringing the police beforehand so they have a profile ready in case I Did ring 999 - I also rang to warn my solicitor. But in the end I didn't need to, though it was reassuring to have put it in place!!

I haven't time to help others just yet, but I will - doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you all.

SS - I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, what a terrible shock. Thinking of you x

SS - I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. Hope he's OK.

WDWGFH - I really don't think you should leave a child in the sole care of someone who is drunk even if its their parent. My Mum had to work evenings when my db and I were little and left us with our dad and he was hideously negligent. My Mum would leave him sober and come home to find him passed out in bed, but had no idea what happened in between. If he managed to stay in and not leave us alone while he went to the pub , we were completely unsupervised as he was usually completely pissed by 9.00. Thankfully nothing terrible ever happened to us, but no thanks to him and if anyone had found out we could have been put into care. My Mum was horrified about this when we told her years later and said she never would have left us if she'd known.
You are protecting your ds which imo is absolutely the right thing to do.

SS Im so sorry to hear this. I hope your Dad has some ok news from his docs.

WDWGFH I tend to agree that leaving a child with an adult who is drunk is risky even if it is at night , not so bad if the adult is not alone ie if he were with a friend who was NOT drunk..... think you need to protect your ds.........

Big hugs SS and PHN good luck with the pregnancy.

I don?t believe either that it?s safe to leave a child in care of a drunk, however I?m wondering whether I should / can argue against shared care if he does manage NOT to drink whilst with DS. I can see two options:

1. I fight every step against shared care via the family court and all that it entails (court + solicitors costs, CAFCASS report, delays, general antagonism, etc?) now that he is for all intent and purposes working on a alcohol reduction programme supervised with his GP.
2. I agree on shared care provided that he doesn?t drink the day before and on the days he is with DS. And if he cannot manage that then I can start legal proceedings.

Hi everyone, thankyou for your kindness. We were supposed to get news of Dads prognosis yesterday but it hasn't happened....better luck today, I hope!

WDWGFH - I was in a similar predicament. As you will discover from Al Anon, we are all "married to the same person" as far as the alcoholic is concerned. We do not do ourselves any favours by our own crazy behaviour....

In my case I was working full time, doing extra shifts - esp. nights because they brought in the extra readies. And what good was that?? I was enabling him nicely - and all he had to do was look after DD whilst I slept & whilst I was at work. Wrong!! It got to the stage when he just wasn't capable. DD started to wake me up at 2pm saying that she 'couldn't wake daddy up'. He never took her anywhere other than the corner shop (for his supplies). She sleeps well at night because he obviously never heard her when she woke up....I try not to think too much about that .

The point is, the behaviour has become unnacceptable and they should not be allowed to think that for a minute that it is. I have had to change my work hours so when the divorce kicks off I will have her care in my hands. I am also seeing personnel at work about annualised hours - but that isn't until next week, so can't give you any info as yet.

I want H to still see her but it will have to be supervised....not sure yet how that will work out!

SS you are being VERY strong and very organised. How do you feel inside ? Are you happy to finally have a way out ? or angrythat despite all your best efforts things are not working out for you and your H.

WDWGFH, I think you need as much proof as you an get that your H is an alcoholic - anything and everything that you can use you should keep......

GU - how are you doing ??

I am OK. My H came home and promptly developed pneumonia so was pretty ill for a week. I didnt mind that and I think I looked after him etc. Got a bit pissed offwhen he seemed to be stringing it out - and I do thin hes got a bit used to being at his parents house where him mum does EVERYTHING for him. So a few straight words yesterday about household chores and expectations and behaviour..... We seem (atm) to be able to do that better than before.....
He is not using.
I think no wthat the drama is over its harder for him than initially, the never being able to drink or smoke weed again is hard. But I now , and I think he knows, that he just cant do that............

kids are more settled now he is home.

onwards and hopefully upwards.

hugs to all

lst xx

Hi LST. Glad things seem to be going well.

SS ? keep us updated re your Dad. Thinking of you.

I?m doing OK. Haven?t been posting much as there?s nothing much to tell. I?ve had a few drama free weeks and I?ve enjoyed it. DH has made an appointment to see an alcohol related counsellor at the GP?s (he saw a different doctor who took it a lot more seriously), and he?s been sober every time I?ve seen him for well over 2 weeks now. I still won?t let him move back in, but we are talking and he is doing and saying all the right things. I?m trying not to be hopeful, as I?ve been so let down before, but things are calm now, particularly in the house and the dc seem happier.

So my life has become rather boring ? its great!!

LST - more than anything I feel very sad.

I don't feel angry because I can now accept that there are things (the main one being H's alcoholism)that I cannot change-goodness knows, it has taken me 6/12 of Al Anon to realise that.

No-one can change/save an alcoholic except themselves.

I feel stronger for having the courage to end it - and once having made the decision I haven't once wavered.

I have never threatened to divorce or threatened (to do) anything even before finding Al Anon. So that has also made it a bit easier because I know that he has no idea.

If I'd've threatened divorce then he would easily talked me round and then the merry go round of madness continues and you lose whatever power you started off with because it would get harder to resist each time you back down (if that makes sense!).

And having a sponser has helped so much - can't tell you how much. So the calmness is because my behaviour is rational now, whereas in the fog of madness it was as unmanageable as his .

The Neuro unit at S/hampton messed up with dads scan- it didn't get discussed as planned so we are hoping for news this afternoon. I can't allow myself to get too stressed out about that - it's another thing that I cannot change.

Hope everyone else is OK.

Hello. How was everyone's weekend? How's your dad SS?
I have been indoors all weekend as ds2 had a horrid virus and was really poorly. (X)P came round and helped out while I got some stuff done and sat with ds while I went shopping. He's been sober for ages now and is waiting for an appointment with the counsellor. He wants to come back but I'm scared to let him in case it happens again. I feel like I've taken a big step towards being independent and letting him back would be a step backwards. I said we'll see how the counselling goes then talk about it when that's underway.

Hi GU. Im so pleased he's been sober for ages.

Does he realise/accept that he has a problem now ? For me that has been key to allowing my dh home. that HE recognised he had to stop using and did so for him - not because I said he had a problem........Does he know that he has an alcohol probem ? and how does he intend to stay dry in the future ??

I do believe people can change and overcome their addictions but they have to really really want to, FOR THEMSELVES.............

you are doing so well
hope everyone else is ok

lst x

Yes he does realise he has a problem now. He can normally go ages without drinking, so the fact that he's been sober for a while is not as impressive as it sounds.
He does know that he needs to find out what it is that flicks the self destruct button in his head every now and then because when he does it its like he doesn't care about anyone or anything and the need for a drink takes over him completely, which I find odd in a man who can manage without drinking for weeks, sometimes months. It is more of a psychological problem I think.
I'm still not 100% certain though that he's doing this for himself and not just to get me back, in which case it just won't work. That's why I can't trust him to move back in yet. I need to see results first.

Hello everyone

Well Dad ended up in theatres with a perforated bowel last night (side effect of all the steroids that he was on for his brain tumour)- he has a lot of co-morbidities so we were all expecting the worst, but he has managed against all the odds to pull through the op; they managed to get him off the ventilator and onto a High Dependency Unit.

Obviously he is not out of the woods yet, but as they say "one day at a time"

But the interesting thing about last nights' dramas was how H behaved. If it was his father I could maybe understand, but he has met my father a handful of times in 6 years-they do get on well. And he got completely trollied...he was in tears, he kept going on about 'it shouldn't happen to him'. Then to cap it all, he said "when he dies, I want to be at his funeral"

It was farcical - but what do you do? Every relative I phoned, he was wanting to talk to them too - completely inappropriate behaviour, he hadn't even met them!!

Anyway, when we had an hours' respite from all the calls, H then wants me to tell him what it is he needs to do to make things right with us. After 20 mins of me telling him that he knows what he needs to do, he then started saying "I need to see someone/talk to someone" to which I said "are you asking for help?" - then it took him about 1/2 hr to say that he did mean that he was asking for help. I told him to write it all down so he could remember - which he refused to do. Of course, he will deny all knowledge of any of this tonight!!

Anyway, hope all is ok with everyone else.

SS - glad your dad pulled through.
at your H, you need him to be supportive, not drunk. My dp does this too to an extent, makes everything about him, his feelings, and uses it as an excuse to get drunk.
Thinking of you. Hope your dad is OK xxxxx

ss - I'm glad to hear your dad made it through the surgery.
Can't believe your h, trying to make himself the centre of everything. Can't he see that the last thing you need is to be thinking of him right now.
1 of the few good things I can say about p is that he can be great at rising to the occasion if things are really bad. Unfortunately he's pretty rubbish at being even normally supportive and partner-ish the rest of the time. It's like he's unable to sustain any effort. Doesn't say much for the likelihood of success at beating his problem I guess.

I'm still seesawing up and down between deciding what's best for me and dd, and being talked into doing what he says is best for us. I'm weak weak weak, and seem totally incapable of sticking to my guns. He promised to seek out regular help, and managed about 11 days clean - though he was asleep / had man flu for 3 of those days! Then blew it again. He treats me like the fool I am, knowing he's always getting away with it.
I said I'd buy the house with him (I know you are all groaning with horror at my stupidity) then last night all I could think was that I don't even want him in my life at all. One minute he's watching a film with me, telling me he loves me, the next he's off for "a drink", then an hour later he's back, unable to take his eyes off porn, just completely focused on that, rather than on anything I say, he's like a stranger. What use would he be to me in an emergency? What is the point of him in ou lives? All he does is cause me stress and upset. He says I'd never manage on my own - but I feel like I am on my own, just with him as an additional burden.

Sorry - just coming on here to rant again, to put down all the thoughts that go round and round in my head. I don't seem to be able to move forward though. I suppose that's why he refuses to leave. If he would go, I'd be able to get on. But with him here, going on and on at me it's hard to stand firm.

anyway - hope everyone's ok today

Hi everyone
Not sure if this is the right place to post this but I could do with some advice. My sisters relationship has just broken down and I don't know how to help her. She has been with her partner for 15 years on and off and for at least half that time he has been a heroin injector. He is now clean and before christmas came out of prison after a 2 year stretch, clean, happy and looking to the future. They just announced their engagement to the world last week they were even talking about starting a family and today he's told her its all over, their relationship reminds him too much of the past and he needs to find himself again.
Now I can totally understand what he's saying, he needs to relearn how to live his life out of prison with no drugs but I feel so angry for my sister. I feel that she's stood by him through thick and thin and I don't think its going over the top to say she saved his life. Now it feels as though he's used her and shat on her from a great height. Obviously she's devastated. What can I do to help her through this?

This is the 3rd time I've tried to post, as dd managed to delete the last 2 - silly of me to try and type while she was beside me this morning.

Pheebe - I've heard a similar kind of thing before, I think on Families Anonymous website, where a man stood by his girlfriend, she went into rehab, and she came out wanting to completely start with a clean slate, so left him.

Your sister must be devastated, especially after standing by him in the hard times, to be abandoned when she hoped they'd be able to share a normal life together with him clean. Sadly i don't have any words of wisom, other than be there for her - she's lucky to have such a supportive sister.

SS - I hope your dad's doing OK

Partner's supposed to be moving out over the weekend - well tonight originally, he's gone to get keys, but wants to come back tonight so can take dd out easily oin the morning. I told my sister what he'd been doing, and told him she knew - first he was angry, then devastated, then despairing, saying his life would go down the pan, which annoyed me as I told him it's all down to the choices he makes, to be a man & put dd first. Now he does seem to have moved onto determination to sort himself out. I so hope so.

Pheebe - how awful for your sister. I don't think there is anything else you can do other than be there for her and help her get through it. We'll all be here anytime you need to talk about things x

Princess - I do think its for the best that he moves out and gives you some space for a while. It doesn't have to be permanent but he needs to know what he's losing and maybe when he isn't living with his family he might take a long hard look at his life and make some decisions about how he wants to live. My dp seems to be doing that. He says its upsetting for him at the moment because he's on the outside looking in. I pointed out that his behaviour put him on the outside and the only way he'll get back in is by changing for good.
Its good that you told your sister, you'll probably need her support when he's gone.
Hope it works out for you. stay strong.