SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

SS - you are doing so well ignoring all the poison. That's the thing I find the hardest to take.
WDWGFH - No we are not talking custody. The dc are mine from a previous relationship so thankfully XP has no rights to them at all. Having said that I wouldn't stop him seeing them altogether, he's been like a Dad to them for nearly 3 years and they both love him, so I won't be spiteful as they will get hurt too. The only provision is that he doesn't see them on his own and also only sees them when he's sober. I think it will fizzle out now he's not living here but I'd rather it was a gradual thing than suddenly stopping all contact.
He's just phoned me to talk, half pissed. I asked him where he was and he said at work, five minutes of arguing later and he admits he's in the pub and has been there all afternoon, so I hung up on him.
Then I get a text saying "I love you!".
W T F.
What planet is he on????

It?s all gone wrong? he did see his GP yesterday, admitting to 60 units a week (about half of what he really drinks) but forgetting to mention the half bottle of wine he?d had before going to see her. She doesn?t think that he should worry as in her opinion he is just a habitual drinker but nothing more because he can have days off. And that he should be able to ?knock [the drinking] on its head???it?s no wonder you?re feeling depressed, going through a separation? (what about the 15 years before the last 2 weeks?)

His solicitor is creating delays in contacting my solicitor, though we have agreed on the final settlement for the flat.

And he wants shared care on a 50% basis.

All of a sudden, he has 3 enablers, his mother giving him money and letting him buy alcohol, the GP telling him he doesn?t really have a problem and his solicitor by delaying and maintaining a status quo.

Next step for me is mediation, he has admitted to being alcoholic but will probably deny it now with the GP?s assessment. He?s going to say that he will never drink during DS?s stays and hence not a risk.

I know I can?t believe this without proper counselling on his part.

WDWGFH I think you should write to his GP and let her know what thereals tory is. It will at least inform her discussions with him.

Do you have any EVIDENCE of his alcoholism ? CC bills fron the offie, photos, vdeos of him pissed? texts/letter he sent you ???

I think this must be a nightmare for you, what does your lawyer say ??

Wheredowegofromhere,

I think you need to directly speak to the GP. She saying that he is a "habitual drinker" is presumably what he himself has told you - the GP may herself may have said something completely different to him.

Does your firm of Solicitors think that shared care is in any way a likely outcome?.

I have audio recordings, photos and short video films from mobile.

My solicitor is surprised by his solicitor?s delaying needs. It?s not as it?s complicated, I buy his share of the flat for X amount and he?s accepted by renegotiated a bit more.

As regards to shared care, based on what I have told her, she thinks that I should start with proposing regular daytime contact only, building on to overnight if he?s showing signs of not drinking. I have been told to negotiate on contact via mediation. My solicitor doesn?t think that shared care is suitable under the current circumstances. However, since it?s not up to her to decide and he might not agree with any of my proposals, we might end up in court.

Why can?t he just stop drinking??

He is seeing the GP next week again, she has given him a questionnaire to fill in so that she can assess whether he?s depressed or not. Telling him to halve his drinking for this week because alcohol is a depressant. Really??

Seriously, would she talk to me though? She?s treating him and this must be confidential?

"Why can't he just stop drinking?"
That's the 64000 dollar question isn't it. I have asked myself that hundreds of times . Even after all we've been through dp is on another bender today. I'm so glad I stuck to my guns and didn't let him come home. I have been proved right, although I really didn't want to be.

I don't think that the GP will discuss his case with you but there is nothing to stop you writing to her and telling her the extent of the problem. My dp went to the doctors about his drinking and he made light of it and made him keep a stupid diary. I was furious. If someone has taken the step to go to the GP with an alcohol problem it is beyond me that they do not take it seriously and even tell them the problem is not as bad as all that.
Again, as Attilla says, that's just his version of what the doc said. I now wonder if my dp really went to the docs at all or if that was yet another lie.

For what it's worth, apart from more money spent on the whole wretch thing, I have booked a joint appointment with a mediator.

IKWYM, Ginnedup, you do get the feeling that alcohol abuse is not taken seriously some times, it?s not as glamorous, or front page selling as youth binge drinking. There?s no knickers to show when it?s at home, eh? I don?t want to offend anyone who has suffered from DV, but why is it always the first question people ask, is he violent? It?s not the only problem.

No, he?s not violent, does that still mean he is safe to look after a baby on his own? In my book, if you can?t drink and drive that?s because drinking impair your senses, isn?t it? So if you?re so drunk, you?ve fallen asleep, whilst looking after your baby but nothing has happened, does that make it safe??

Does it make it all right? Does it make it normal?

Of course, it doesn?t.

Sorry everyone, I?m very tired?

Don't apologise WDWGFH that's what were here for.
I guess the more professionals you see together the more chance there is that someone will pick up on his drink problem. That's part of the reason I was so keen to go to relate. I thought that the counsellor would make him see what he's doing. Too late for that now though we are still on the waiting list. I don't think anyone can help him now - he's beyond help.

Ginnedup

The only one who can help this man is his own self. It won't be you or a counsellor that will do this, it has to come from him. You've certainly picked up on his drink problem and he clearly is not in any way serious about addressing this. I would suggest counselling for your own self rather than joint sessions.

He may "love" you but he loves alcohol more.

Drug and alcohol abuse by parents by the NSPCC:

'Drug and alcohol abuse by parents can have a serious effect on their children. Not all parents who abuse drugs or alcohol mistreat or neglect their children. But sometimes they can be put at considerable risk.

Getting help

If you are a parent and you feel your ability to care for your children is affected by drug or alcohol abuse, you should see your doctor as soon as possible. He or she will be able to provide support and counselling at the surgery, or can refer you to other professionals who specialise in drug and alcohol problems. If you need extra help in caring for your children, the health visitor can often arrange this. The important thing is that you get help as soon as possible.

If you are concerned about a child who may be at risk, call the NSPCC Child Protection Helpline on 0808 800 5000. We're open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. All calls are free, unless you're calling from a mobile phone.

Risks to children

There is an increased risk of violence in families where parents abuse substances. Children can also suffer from lack of boundaries and discipline, and live chaotic lives. This can seriously affect their psychological and emotional development, and may cause problems with their relationships later on in life.

Other risks include:

health hazards, like lack of food, clothing, carelessness or accidents
lack of parental supervision - forgetfulness, or even unconsciousness
children dangerously copying their parents' behaviour
isolation of the family from neighbours and support services.'

This is what I want to avoid, should be simple enough, don't you think?

Hi everyone, sorry not posted for a while - not always that easy to get on the family PC discreetly especially with littlest DC not sleeping in the evenings yet. Sounds like there are many of you having some real testing times at the moment - but it is good to know you are not alone when you can vent and get support on here.
My DH stopped smoking cannabis for a couple of months before xmas and we said we would discuss it after that to try and agree something we could both live with - him still thinking he can handle it now and again - me too scared to say I don't want him to do it all. Before we discussed tho, he admitted to having a couple of joints over the holidays but that was was the reason why (!!). Anyway, tho it was not what we agreed ie. discuss before using again, I let it go (again). But have just checked his text messages (I know I shouldn't) and found out that he has got some more stuff this week - what can be the excuse this time - coping with being back at work? Big realisation today that things are bad when one of his friends has gone to their GP about their drug problem and he has told me he doesn't want to see my DH because he can't be around the stuff at the moment. I asked him he thought DH had a drug problem - he said yes and that I should give him an ultimatum.
Don't know what to do - I know I want him to stop completely but I am not sure I am strong enough to give an ultimatum yet. I have made him an appointment with a counsellor for next week - should I wait to see if he goes before saying anything?
LST - so glad things are working out for you - maybe neither me or my DH have reached rock bottom - though I feel I am getting close. Everytime my oldest child (3) witnesses an argument or I find myself distracted by the problem instead of spending quality time with my children or snapping at my eldest a bit because I am annoyed at the situation I am in - I think I am getting closer.
I have told my mum which was a great feeling and she is being very supportive. I think I will try and get some expert support for myself or some legal advice if the worst comes to the worst but not sure where to start.
Sorry for such a long post - especially since many of you on this thread are really having such a hard time just now. Let's hope 2008 is a better year for everyone.

The thing I've learnt lately is that there will always be an excuse not to stop. If he doesn't really want to he won't.
Ultimatums rarely work, he may stop for a while but if he's only doing it to satisfy an ultimatum it will only be a matter of time before he starts again.
I hope it goes well with the counsellor.

Today is meant to be the most depressing day of the year!
It is for me. Dp was around all weekend, being lovely. He took me for a meal on Friday and spent Saturday and Sunday being lovely to us all and I had a glimmer of hope that things could change.
More fool me. Today he's lied to me again and is in the pub.
When will I ever learn.
Somebody give me a slap!!!

Well H missed DD's 4th birthday party yesterday because he couldn't get out of bed for it. I was glad, actually, because he wasn't there making an arse of himself & I wasn't on tenterhooks....

Anyway, I'm managing to stay calm with my Al Anon & Sponsor's help - it's our wedding anniversary this weekend and he is talking of taking DD to his parents for the w/end.

I haven't said a word, after all, how does he think he will manage that when he hasn't been out of bed before 4pm for the last 4/52??

I just want out and with a bit of luck the papers will be served on him next week....bugger it I have to go, he can't be trusted to look after her for just 1/2 hr whilst I chat to you guys, so until tomorrow...

GU

You don't need a slap, he does (along with AA but he is unlikely to go there). You though my friend need more self worth. I remember what he did before Christmas, he broke the shards completely then in my view.

You can change how you react to him. He's continuing to string you along by buying you a meal and being temporarily nice; he certainly knows how to manipulate you. His niceness though is always short lived. He never has to face up to his actions because he knows that you'll be there to take up his slack. Cut this line to him!!.

Thanks ATM. He's just been round to get his phone charger, pissed. Apparently its all my fault he got drunk because I had a go at him. Its a joke.
I've definitely learned my lesson now.
SS - sorry he missed dd's birthday, but you're right, he probably would have ruined it for you anyway.
The end is in sight now - not too much longer.

Last week was bad, dark and frightening. I was being dragged back in arguments and was wondering what I was doing. Went back to al-anon and it was fantastic to be a room full a people, understanding what they say and understanding what I say. I met someone who was in a similar situation than me not so long ago and she gave me her number to call her when I have my next wobbly moment. I don?t know if I will but just having it gives me strength.

He dared ask me for money ?until the end of the month?. I said I could give him cash but I wouldn?t. He begged for a while saying that he couldn?t buy his transport fare and I asked him if he told his mother how he spent what she sent him.

It feels good to be out of last week dark tunnel. He questioned my going to al-anon as ?we?re not friends anymore?. He has a very long way to go.

GUP, I?m behind Attila, listen to what he said about me last week and then concluded, is it no wonder I have to drink? According to him, I?m: a nutter, possessive of the baby, not right in the head, completely off my head, panicking, inadequate mother, shifty, nasty, a bulldog, mad, a robot, etc?

I don?t know what exactly he tells you but I know that they will always try to BLAME US. And we can?t all be that horrible, can we?!

SS, good luck with everything.

Hurrah, I'm back (because I'm at work!).

GU - Please please stop reacting to him, whether he is being nice or not. Of course he will say 'it is all your fault' - that is why they want you to react because that gives the perfect excuse to have another drink!

It is only when you step back from it all that you can see how manipulative it all is. You are living in the madness so you can't see it for how it really is.

I was (and still am) the biggest advocate for detatching but you can only do this with expert help from those who really know what it is all about (ie. Al Anon). I have altered my behaviour in that I don't react, and that is a start. I had hoped that the % of H that isn't 'ill' would realise that I had changed and may do something to help himself but it wasn't to be.

Sometimes it isn't going to happen, but you have to be strong enough to realise this and have the reserves to protect you and yours and make an informed decision to get out. I have reached that point, but I am making a rational decision.

Thanks. You're right. I'm trying to detach from him but its hard not to react to all the nonsense he comes out with. He phoned today and I could hear in his voice that he'd had a drink. I told him I don't want to speak to him again today, switched off my mobile and unplugged the landline. That's the only way to get any peace

This is so hard?.. I just want him out and nothing, nothing is happening. I?m keeping my distances, avoiding him, hardly talking to him but that didn?t last more than 2 days, he got awfully drunk last night, called his sister, felt invigorated by this conversation and went back on everything that was said.

He will not move out until we have a shared care arrangement with equal parenting time, and will wait for the court order to get him to sale.

I don?t know what he told his sister but she texted me requesting that I stop hurting and asking cordially to stop bullying him.

I don?t want to see him, I don?t want to hear him. I want to start living my life.

WDWGFH - Tell his sister to mind her own business. Does she drink too? I know my dp's mates all bolster him up and tell him I'm a psycho and he's normal, after all they are all like him and they are ok

So sorry for you - what a horrible position to be in.

Just bide your time and remember the end is in sight.

Sending you a ((((hug))))))

In the end she called me to say she?d gone a bit too far. She?s not a drinker but feels she has to show support to her brother, even if he shouts at her as well. I sent her a document on enabling and detachment, I hope it?s not going to back fire. She needs help as well. She said that she couldn?t comment (it would be disloyal) on what?s happening but could still view my point of view.

On the subject of drink, she said that I should be careful what I allege because she saw me having more than 2 pints once. I said well, yes and it was 3 years ago, before DS, your point being?!!

G-U & WDWGFH, (((((hugs))))) - you are both so doing the right thing. Keep going to Al Anon - so glad you've gone WDWGFH!

When I talk about detatching, I mean detatch from the illness/behaviour, not from him himself, but it sounds like you have both gone beyond just that and are wanting to detatch from the person as well.

Well I have signed the papers - I'm going for divorce. I've told my solicitor that it is pointless for papers to be served on him because he will simply throw them away/rip them up. I'm just waiting to hear what happens next....

He is talking of taking DD to his parents this w/end. I haven't said anything at all about it (of course, what I really want to say is No Way! He wants me to start trying to change his mind so he can row and get even more drunk). He has just phoned me at work (Blimey, up at 12 for a change!) to ask if I'm going over on the Sun. as his parents are going food shopping blah blah blah, but I can see straight through all that shit.

He wants me to go so they can all get pissed and I drive him back home. Manipulation or what?!! Maybe he has rung them, but I said that one more mouth to feed won't make that big a difference . Then he said that if I don't go then they won't bother!! - Caught Out!! Like they aren't going to make an effort for DD & Him??

I'll tell you what, once you step back from the madness, you won't believe easy it is to see through all the crap they come out with!

How is everyone else doing?

WDWGFH - Sounds like your SIL & my In Laws are one and the same person....they are all deeply in denial and will continue to enable. I'm waiting for far worse when they all find out about the divorce !

Hi there,

Sorry I haven't been around much lately. I've been catching up when i can, but haven't felt like posting.

WDWGFH - what a nightmare, to just want him out, so you can start living your new life, and to have him refusing to go is so horrible. It's like my p I suppose, since he just ignores all my talk of him leaving. He said I always say it in anger, and if I said it calmly, he'd go. So I did, but of course he has so little respect for me that he is still here, still bullying me into giving him money, still a control freak, and a manipulative monster!

Does he accept the relationship is over? Would he want to stay with you if you let him? Is he happy to leave, but doing this to spite you? Or hoping you don't really mean it, and if he sticks around maybe it'll all blow over?

I am so pathetic and weak in comparison to the rest of you. I can't manage not to respond to him, I give in, I wobble over my determination to get away. And I'm almost embarrassed to say that I've just found out I'm pg again. I was aware I was taking a risk, but I think the mc made me want to be pg again to get over it, so although I hate him most of the time, I took the risk and now face an even more complicated future, with hormones to add to the equation to. It's due when my uni course is meant to start.... it's a nightmare really, but I am still happy, and still scared it could go wrong, as it's early days yet. I'm trying not to worry about the future too much.

On the plus side, he's apparently attending some group thats helped him. On the downside he took some last weds, and someone offered him a tiny bit yesterday, and he took that but turned down their offer of doing more - he's pleased with this, but to me it's far too little far too late.

LST - I'm so pleased to hear things are working out for you, and I really hope your dh has reaslised what he wants, and sticks to his recovery

Sorry, this has been a bit me me me, but I'm feeling quite down tonight - he said he was going to have a budget of £400 a month for travel, take away amd social life - he'd spent £1230 in total, then went on at me for another £70 to go out for a friend's birthday. The way he changed from angry, insulting man to all jolly and pleased when he got his way sickens me, and makes me hate him more (and myself)

I just feel so pathetic. Sorry for the moan. I want the strength you all have