SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Hi all, sorry to have been absent from the thread, I have been away with the kids for a week.

welcome to cousinsandra and to berrytastic, I hope you will find some support and help here.

Berrytastic, my husband was/is and cannabis addict. You can find my postings about this in this thread or under a pseudonym 'sosickoftheweed' . Basically he used drugs (only cannabis and OTC analgesia ) increasingly heavily through our relationship; eventually he gave up work to 'look after the kids' but simply abused drugs more and more. His behaviour became increasingly unpredictable ad aggressive. Most of this was hidden from me at the time - he vehmently denied any drug use or swore it was minimal. He was spending about £400-500 a month on his habit. In the end I kicked him out as he was abusive, violent and unpredicatble. He was deep in denial but in a very very bad way.

He is now clean and has been for about 4 months. He is attending NA 3x a week, has a sponsor and is 'working the steps. He has a job. He now has access to the children and I am learning to respect him for the changes he has made.

Berrytastic - I don't know if this helps you - I believe that your partner has a serious problem, cannabis these days is powerful powerful stuff with significant effects on personality and behaviour. I did not want to split my family, it broke my heart but I know it was the right decision for my dc who , as they grew older would have come to regard the taking of drugs as the 'norm'. As it turns out it seems also to have been the 'right' decision for my h who , as a consequence, hit HIS rock bottom as he was forced to see how very very bad his behaviour/lifestyle/drug taking had become. Good luck what ever you decide.

GUM - I hope you are doing ok???

WDWGFH - you poor thing, how awful. But well done for being so strong and actually carting this through. I do know how hard that is. If he CAN change then there is hope for you yet as a couple but he need to PROVE it before you could even consider this, and the first step to change is moving OUT of denial and recognising the problem. He sounds a long way from there

ZK hope you are ok???

ss when does your dh get his solicitors letter ??

cousinsandra - your h sounds pretty bad tbh, drinking in secret is always a bad sign.... who far gone are you ? do you have much support in RL ?? fwiw once i was honest with people about what was going on I have received the most enormous amount of support, and I cant believe I held onto the 'secret' for such a long time.....

lst xxx

well done for getting to that point - sadly I think you're in for more of the same as his moods will be swinging all over the place trying to make sense of this. DH is the same - can't admit any fault at all as that would mean admitting too much and taking on too much to change.
I hope you stay strong during this time and try to keep it in the front of your mind why you have taken what may seem the hard option - but will so definitely be worth it for you, your DC and hopefully eventually your (ex) DH.
Know what you mean about RL friends - I'm almost embarrassed to bring it up AGAIN with them, I'm sure they're thinking 'well, leave him then'.

Hi Cousinsandra and Berrytastic - nice to see you here, although sorry its for such horrible reasons.

I'm laying low atm. (X)dp hasn't had a drink since 27th December when it all kicked off. I'm letting him in the house to see the boys and have some meals etc but he's not moved back in yet. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I'm not at all sure what to do or even what I want to do. He has stuck to his word and not even been to a pub or anything since that awful night, but I'm scared that if I let him move back in it will all start again, so now we are in limbo. Sort of seeing each other (and getting on well when we do) but I'm too scared to trust him not to do it again, and if I'm honest I don't think I'll ever believe that he won't. Also, I don't want to let him get his feet back under the table or he'll have me where he wants me again.
Part of me is hoping he goes back on the drink so the decision is made for me - how terrible is that
I'm still lurking on here, but my head is spinning too much to post anything remotely sensible (as you can see from the above ramblings!)
I hope everyone else on here is doing OK.

GUP - I know haow hard this is for you, but I think you should NOT let him home atm. H has a lot more prooving to do before you can believe him. Dec 29th is only 10 days ago - has he admitted he has a provlem ? has he really recognoised how frightened you and ds were of him? has he agreed to get some help ???

try to stay strong - there is a lot of change needed before you can live together again in harmony

((((((((((((GUP))))))))))))

lst x

Hi LST.
Yes he is horrified by what he did and he says that it was that night that made him realise he has to stop drinking altogether and to be fair he has.
He's saying all the things I've wanted to hear for so long, but I'm scared to believe him now. I think it might be too late.
I can see not living with us is hurting him so much, and the fact that he has still not been drinking is encouraging, but like you say he has a long way to go yet.

GUP, I can understand how difficult it is, P hasn't even moved out but is already crying about missing DS. I'm angry that I'm made out to be the bad one here.

He has made an appointment with his GP to discuss alcoholism/depression before I even mentioned it as an imperative before agreeing on residency and contact.

Over the last 3 days, he must have asked for one last chance a hundred times and there isn't a speck of doubt from me. I have come a long way this last year.

lst, Princess, ZK, ML, Kokeshi, Attila and all the others, I hope you?re OK.

Just a quick post to say hi to everyone as I?m at work.
XP (he no longer deserves the D) has been a complete arse. To cut a long story short we had a row on Tuesday morning as he was demanding to come back as he felt he?d been ?punished enough?! I refused, big argument, I went to work, came back and he was in the pub.
I told him that?s it and another row broke out, after which he went through my house taking every thing he?d ever bought while he lived there (telly, PC, laptop, sofabed and more - even down to plates and cups ) and got 2 of his mates to come and help him move it all.
So my house is half empty but I feel free! He?s gone for good and I?m so relieved. I?m very up and down and do have weak moments when I worry about him but on the whole I?ve made the right choice for me and my precious dc.
But as he?s taken the PC and the laptop and I?m quite busy and very overlooked at work I won?t be on here much for a while.

Oh GUP - he just dosnt get it does hi. Is SO not about 'punishing him'.

well done for standing firm, well done for being brave and sticking to what you know to be right. I exect it hurts now, and will definitely do in the future, but you have done the right thing for your kids.

well done

lst xxx

Hi everyone
I've not been able to post but I'm doing ok. I think that because the end is near I have been living at 1000 miles/hr.

H has not been able to get out of bed for the past week. He says he felt so bad that he rang NHS direct....[hmmm]- whatever!!

I saw 'our' psychiatrist for advice on how to handle him when he gets the letter - could I get him sectioned if it all went wrong? No, I can't. I need to inform his GP, which I can't do until next Mon. afternoon. I was told that 'there has to be a consequence of/to the letter' otherwise the likelihood of him really losing it (because I 'want the space that a separation will offer') will be a dead cert.

Also, next Mon. I am seeing my solicitor to draft the letter which I'm going to ensure he gets before the 26th (which is our wedding anniversary - I couldn't bear to go through all that charade). I have put all the foundations in place so I can get this letter done.

And it's DD's birthday party on the 20th (actual day on the 24th) - it's all so exhausting!! Thank God for Al Anon, which has helped me to keep my head and to deal with all of this rationally.

Welcome BT & CS - Have either of you looked at getting support for yourselves? EG. NA or Al Anon? I know I keep on about it, but Al Anon has provided invaluable help for me and although I'm now looking to divorce, I am making an informed decision after having a year to assess my behaviour towards the alcoholic (yes, hard to take when it isn't you with the problem!). I understand it all so much more than this time last year.

GUP - Hurrah!! Ding dong, the drunk has gone, and now you have the peace to get your serenity back . So what if he has taken that stuff - it's only stuff. Would you rather have all that madness back in your life??

WDWGFH - Oh I'm well prepared for being the Bad One....sticks & stones and all that. It's always the same old tut they come out with.

GUP - keep sticking to your guns. He has a very very long way to go....

Hope everyone else is ok too (big hugs to ZK!)

GUP

I sincerely hope he does not come back; he broke the shards completely in my view when he previously hit you. You and your children deserve far better frankly.

Stop worrying about him as well - he is responsible for his own actions and you just cannot and must not take ownership of any of his problems. You reckon he thinks or worries at all about you - fat chance.

Going by his recent behaviour as well the only one he was thinking of here was him.

Gup, well done for standing firm about him coming back - his response shows how right you were.

Berrytastic and Cousinsandra - welcome, hope you get lots of support here.

Hope everyone else is OK - sounds like everyone is doing so well, and moving towards a better life for themselves and dcs.

I still seem to be muddling about. I felt resolute, and told my sisters we'd sell the house, then told him, and he went mad, ranting about how stupid I was, and I'm selfish at splitting up family, ruining dd's future etc etc. Told me I'm abusing my power my using the house against him when angry at him. He said he'd buy the house with a friend (it's difficult for him to get a mortgage due to his credit probs), then dd couldn't come here as friend would be unsuitable (drink too much / smoke or whatever), I'd get less support - especially hard as I'm supposed to do the pgce in September so I'm feeling so torn already that dd will have to be looked after by someone else almost all her waking day.

In the end he managed to wear me down a bit, and I was back to thinking about all the advantages of staying here, especially as I've made a few friends recently, love all my toddler groups etc, plus leaving the house will be another hard part of saying goodbye to my mum.

Anyway, I then looked at his phone records for the last month, and compared it with my diary, to see what he'd said he was doing. He'd claimed he'd been doing really well for last 2 weeks or so, and said he might be getting help for the problem, he just didn't have to tell me about it . Then I see he's called dodgy people on about 20 days and every single time when he's had money or said he was staying at a friend's. And last night he didn't come home after football training - sent a text at 06:30 this morning saying he was OK but hadn't wanted to disturb me, and came home soon after that. I have trouble waking him any time of the day, and no alarm works, yet he expects me to believe he wakes himself at about 5.30/6 after only a few hours sleep, and travels home again.

I don't want to act detective, and I know that it goes against advice - I should be living my life. not wasting time looking into what he's doing. But I feel so easily drawn into reasons why I should stay, I need to make a solid case to myself to remind myself how ridiculous it would be to hang around with someone who spends so much time deceiving me, and simply isn't up to being the mad I want and thought he was once.

If you've read this far I'm amazed - sorry for such a long post.

Gup - I hope you manage to replace your things - maybe see it as a symbol of starting afresh.

Cross posted with SS & Attila then.

SS - you sound so strong. And I wish I could stop responding to him when he goes on at me. I get so angry still. The only major organisation supporting families of drug addicts seems to be Families Anonymous but the meetings are a bit far away from me sadly. I haven't been back to our local egancy as the counsellor was leaving and was meant to be sorting out when she could return just to do the family support sessions (currently just for me) - need to chase that up, as i found it helpful having someone to tell me I'm sane and logical and actually making good decisions, not someone with anger management issues and overly defensive. (those things could be true of course, but don't negate the rightness of my decisions I feel when away from him)

Hi Princess, I can't trust my heroin addict lover This was in G2 this morning.

I have been bombarded by text messages since Monday. In no particular order, I'm enjoying trashing people's life, he wants his life back and I should give it another go because there's a little boy stuck in the middle.

On the other hand, I'm cruel because I didn't make clear that action will be taken.

Obviously, the facts that he is an alcoholic drinking his earnings away has nothing to do with my decision to separate. It?s because I don?t have feelings, which apparently makes me an unfit mother. I try my very best not to listen to him and not to get upset but I am not sleeping very well and getting increasingly tired.

On the plus side, he comes back to the flat later and later so I don?t see much of him and I?m having lots of cuddles with DS! And that?s LOVELY!

Thanks for all the support everyone.
ss - pmsl at ding dong the drunk has gone! That made me smile. I might sing that down the phone next time he rings
I don't care about the stuff - it was his stuff anyway, I've got the boys and that's more important than any material stuff. I miss the pc and the laptop because it cuts off my MN supply, but I'll surivive!! And I got to keep the car because he was too drunk to take that!
Princess - don't let him manipulate you like this. You know deep down what he's really up to or you wouldn't need to check up on him. I feel for you really I do, because he pulls on your emotional attachment to the house to make you question your judgement.

wdwgfh - that sounds very wearing, to have to put up with such an onslaught of desperate badgering. But then i guess he is desperate because his supportive, omfortable enabling life has suddenly been taken away from him, and he doesn't want to take any responsibility for that.

My p is funny cos he says I am so defensive, while he is so much better at hearing things / accepting feedback / acknowledging stuff etc. But oddly enough still thinks I should put up with all his nonsense. Denial is a major part of addiction, and I suppose that's why they put all the blame onto us.

And cuddles are great (though I wasn't so sure when dd was saying cuddle please mummy at 3.30am!)

I'm going to read Parental drug and alcohol misuse report from the Joseph Rowntree Foundation this weekend.

Have a good weekend.

Hope everyone is ok.

Well H has been in a druken stupor all past 2/52 & especially this weekend - he has just this minute got up and locked himself in the bathroom, coughing, vomming, sneaky fags (usual behaviour!).

Now I have stopped the weekend & unsocial shifts, he has gone into freefall down into the pit.

DD & I have been out all weekend - on our own and with friends and it has been so nice, but sad because I am only now just realising how much DD missed out when I was working all those weekends on Nights. She was cooped indoors with him - only going as far as the cornershop (which supplies his alcohol!). We have a park at the end of our rd. and he's taken her there once to my knowledge in the 3 years we have lived here.

I'm so looking forward to getting the letter done tomorrow, I'm so sick of living in this intolerable environment now I have made my decision to end it. But I feel strangely calm about it - I am making a rational decision.

SS thats so tough. Please can I wish you every strength for the next few days and weeks. Please dont underestimate how hard it is likely to be, despite all he has done your husband is your husband; you loved him and married him, had a child with him. Leaving him, especially when he is so weak wil be very hard.

PHN-sometime soon you will move past the need to check up on him; without trust in a relationship it dosn't have much future..... I so hope you are having some peace this weekend.

GUP - so pleased you have a PC again :-). hope you and the dc have had a good weekend

WDWGFH - interesting reading !!

hope everyone else is ok.

so short update from me; my dh has now been clean for 4 months, he has a job and I have spent an increasing amount of time with him in the last month. I do believe that his aggression and violence was fuelled by his drug problem, I do believe that he has committed to a drug free future. I see that he is much calmer and has developed other strategies to manage the children. I find that I do stilll love him, and that I can forgive the wrongs of the past. We have talked about them at length. So I think we will be reconciled in the near future and he will come home.

It is a bit of an act of faith -I have to believe that he will stay clean, and he knows that his return is conditional on staying clean. But I do believe that we have something worth saving,

I guess what I am trying to say is that however hopeles it seems, and my situation seemed totally hopeless only a few months ago, there is always chance that things will turn out well,

lst xx

LST That's great news. I really hope he appreciates how lucky he is. A happy ending at last .

I'm still on my own. DP is trying to come back, but I'm not letting him. He' not drinking (for now!) and he's been round a few times to 'talk' whixh always ends up with the same conversation we've had 100 times before. I'm quite enjoying the space of having the house to myself and the boys seem more settled than they have in a while.

However, when I read your post LST my first thought was that I wish dp would do that for me. I'd give anything to have the lovely sober man I fell in love with back for good, but I think for me that is a long long way off.

Hope everyone else is doing OK.

at the typos - and to think I do this for a living

Hi GUP

It IS so hard for you atm _ believe me I know very well how hard it is! TBH I dont belive my usband did this for me - I think he did it for HIm because he caould see that there was no future for him as a cannabis head - no job, no income, no family, no friends, no kids, no home. By kicking him out he really did see what rock bottom was and he ereaslised that his life was not tenable any longer. so He decided to give up for HIMSELF - so that HE could have a future - with or ( as seemed most likely at the time) without me and the kids.

I wish your partner could see t that way, but maybe he has others still enabling him ?? friends and family all colluding with him that its 'not that bad' ???

hope you can continue to enjoy the peace !

It would be wrong to say I am not anxious about the future as I am, really quite anxious in some ways....

lst x

Hi everyone

Saw Solicitor yesterday and I have decided to go for Divorce . I have also seen his GP to let them know the latest - if he goes berserk when he gets the papers, then I will dial 999 and leave the police to deal with it.

LST - yes I do know that it will not be easy, but when I think of the last 3 years....I have no reserves left and although I do still love the DH underneath the alcoholic, I have to put DD first. The last 6/12 I have advocated the 'detaching from the illness not the person' line, but he has crossed the boundary; his behaviour is escalating and DD is seeing evidence first hand. I can't bear to be waiting for the next thing.

He is so bad now that he doesn't get out of bed before 6pm. I wish he would stay there but no, he doesn't and it's horrible when he gets up....no need to go into details, we've all been there.

Who knows, Divorce may be the very act that helps him to find sobriety. The big problem will be that the only people he has left in the world are his parents and they will enable him to carry on as he is - they are both v. heavy drinkers and they will think that I am a drama queen when they find out what I have initiated.

I have serious worries about how much longer he can keep living in this state .

I hope everyone else is OK

SS - big hugs and lots of strength. I think you have been amazing, both in supporting your husband this far, and in making the decision to leave now. When will he get the papers ??

SS, big hugs and good luck with everything. I?m completely behind you regarding his parents viewing you as a drama queen and them enabling him. His mother is paying for his solicitor?s fees. Somehow he?s still has money for booze, but she doesn?t want to know?

Lst, I?m very happy for you that things are working out!

Ginnedup, are you two talking about residency and contact yet? Or does he just come to your home?

I like (not!) the most recent comments, that I have created this nightmare and that everyday is getting worse. I think he means that every day he realises a bit more but still decides to get drunk in the evenings, just in case it wasn?t really happening.