SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Just a quick post to say hello to everybody, weird to be back in the internet cafe I used to go whilst on ML... happy times, 6 months just me and the baby!!

I'm not too sure I understand how I'm holding on. He's been on a binge for a week now since he started during the working week. Nothing is stopping him, goes to bed between 2 & 3am, wakes up at 10, starts drinking at 11... so I'm out of the door with DS most days. Nearly drove off on Monday to see friends for the rest of the week. I've had enough of being reasonable.

He looks absolutely awful.

We're going to MIL tomorrow on the understanding that he doesn't drink when we're there. I would bet money that this is not going to happen. He will drink as much as he can when we stop to change a nappy and will snuggle beers at his mother's.

lst, I hope DS3 is better now.

Hi everyone. Hope you have coped Ok and managed to enjoy Christmas.
Christmas itself was really good for us, I had a great day with the dc and dp's dad came for dinner.
It started to go wrong boxing day, and yesterday I went to bed early with a cold and got woken up at 4 with dp very very drunk falling down the stairs and smashing a mirror, we had a huge row which ended up with him pinning me up against the wall. The final straw was when my poor little ds woke up and saw the whole thing, he was terrified.
Finally I threw him out into the street at 5 in the morning and he phoned this morning (from Witherspoons to apologise and I told him to sod off.
Its totally over now. I can't put my babies through this any more. I need him out of our lives for good.

GUP 5m so so sorry. How awful for you and Ds, are you ok ?? physically I eman I know you will be emotionally desperately upset.

do you have enough RL support? some non-judgemental people to help you through the next few days ?

sending you lot of supportive hugs.

maybe , just maybe, this will be HIS rock bottom and he will genuinely seek help from here.

here to support you

((((((((((((((GUP)))))))))))))))

lsct x

Hi LST. Physically I'm fine, he didn't hurt me, just sort of grabbed me by the face really. He's never gone that far before
I haven't spoken to him since that phone call yesterday morning. I think he's staying away because he knows he's pushed it too far this time.
I'm still stunned by what happened, and my ds is upset and confused. He wants him to come home and keeps asking when we are going to make up, but I can't now after this.
I'm very lucky with RL support, my Mum is brilliant. I've told a few friends this time and they have been great about it all.
I just want to get New Year over with and start 2008 afresh.
Hope everyone else OK.

Hi GUP

((((((((((((((((((GUP))))))))))))))))))))))

Very sorry to read what has happened to you.
Absolutely appalling behaviour from this man.

I hope you are receiving and will continue to receive support. You may also want to contact Womens Aid in due course too; they could also offer impartial advice and support.

He didn't actually hit me or anything just a bit of a shove and after the event I laid into him a bit too, which ds also saw. I was just so angry and frustrated. He really isn't a violent person and I think he shocked himself as much as it shocked me tbh.
His Mum is seriously ill in hospital and I think that is what set him off drinking again (not that thats any excuse).
I want to know how she is but obviously I can't ask him. I'm worried that if the worse happens to her he'll seriously go off the rails.
I suppose its not my problem any more but I can't just stop caring can I?

Allneonlike - hello and welcome, I hope you find this thread helpful. How old is your dd? Has your dp told you how he intends to stop or limit his drinking? My dp is always talking like he can control his problem, but that's just all part of his denial about how much of a problem it really is I think. I feel like if he's not prepared to show commitment to changing by seeking help, he isn't really ready to change. How are you feeling? How long have you been together?

GUP - I'm so sorry to hear what happened, big hugs to you, I hope you're doing OK. It's horrible how you wait and wait for them to let you down, then they do.

Wheredowego - how are you? How did the visit go? It sounds like you're having a horrible time of it too.

LSCT - hope your ds recovered in time to enjoy christmas day, and is ok now.

Christmas has been OKish - he's been out pretty much every evening apart from Christmas Day & boxing Day, even staying out at a friend's house 1 night. I'm sure he's taken drugs at least once, and I'm sure he's lied about money, but what's new. I'm keeping a diary so i don't forget what life's like with him. He did take dd out for the afternoon so I got a break, but it doesn't make up for the rest of the time, even if he does think that makes him some kind of hero.

Christmas wasn't ever going to be great I think, with it being the first one my mum isn't around for. And the miscarriage is still making me sad - I started reading a Shopaholic & Baby today, and I got all tearful - I thought I was doing better than that.

I'm off to bed now. I've had horrible sore throat for nearly 2 weeks now, maybe I need more sleep. DD keeps getting me up far too early!

Sorry for mega post

OH Princess I'm so sorry you had a bad christmas too. What a shame he couldn't be there for you knowing what a hard time it would be. At least its over now, this time next year we'll all be happy again!
Hope you feel better soon.
x

Hi GUP,

Re your comments:-
"He didn't actually hit me or anything just a bit of a shove and after the event I laid into him a bit too, which ds also saw".

He held you by the face and on previous occasions he's been verbally abusive. He didn't care who else was around. A drunk and potentially further violent father is not a role model whatsoever for your DS.

"I was just so angry and frustrated. He really isn't a violent person and I think he shocked himself as much as it shocked me tbh".

The sentiments expressed in your second sentence are often spoken by victims of domestic violence. Do not downplay at all what he has done. He's gone way too far this time and you know it. Also how do you know he won't be violent again?. He may well apologise given time but how do you know he really means it?.

"His Mum is seriously ill in hospital and I think that is what set him off drinking again (not that thats any excuse)".

Correct. However, he will likely use any excuse to drink.

"I want to know how she is but obviously I can't ask him. I'm worried that if the worse happens to her he'll seriously go off the rails".

He will use any excuse to go off the rails; the drinking fuels this to begin with.
Can you yourself visit his Mother or find out how she is doing by phoning the ward?. If she's on a general ward then it may be possible for your own self to visit her.

"I suppose its not my problem any more but I can't just stop caring can I?". No he is not your problem any more.

Your main priorities are now your own self and your children. You can't save someone who does not want to be saved - believe me my husband's family know.

I know. I've got to carry it through this time for the dc. My feelings for him have to be put to one side for now as I can't let my dc have the childhood I had.
When I looked at my 8 year olds face that night, it could have been looking at myself as a scared little girl all those years ago.
I have to keep reminding myself of that to keep me strong.
They are what's important now. Whatever I feel for dp in the future I will protect them no matter what.
Thanks for the support Attilla - you're great!

Hi all

I've recently posted on here (Can't trust or love him after years of lies but the kids need him around )

I've been married to a man who's been secretly taking cocaine for the last 8 years, whose behaviour destroyed my marriage and my family, whose now been clean for 6 months, has transformed into Mr Perfect and now wants yet another chance.

It's been a horrible year for me and now I feel stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place. Either give it a go and risk being manipulated all over again or face a life of single parenthood bringing up 4 kids alone (one has autism)and probably never finding anyone mad enough to want a relationship with me.

Now if I had no kids, he'd be gone for good.

I guess my situations a bit different in that I didn't actally know I was living with an addict. I wish I'd known because perhaps I could have helped him before it went too far. I just had loads of horrible behaviour from my DH with no explanation. I'd blame his work, me, the kids but it was cocaine all along.

Still find it shocking just typing it all down. These things happen to someone else, right?

This thread proves that it can happen to anyone. I never thought I'd end up living with an alcoholic after alcohol killed my dad and 2 other members of my family.
But here we are, dealing with stuff we never dreamed of in a million years.
How do you feel about your h now? Do you still love him or has his addiction changed the way you feel.
If you don't still love him I think you owe it to yourself to leave. You will meet someone else (4 kids doesn't necesarily put men off - I have a friend with 5 dc and she has recently remarried and is now on baby no. 6 .
You need to think of your own happiness, and if he can't make you happy any more you would be better off out of it. Your children won't be better off if you are together but not happy, they will be happier with a contented Mummy who isn't always on edge and feeling down.

Hi Rubygems, I just wanted to say that I doubt very much if it would have been different if you had known. I've tried to help my dp - talked to him, asked him to talk to me if tempted, given him helpline numbers, found out about groups - to no avail. Only he could get help when he was ready, I believe.
You're in a tough position - maybe couple counselling to help you work out how you really feel and what you want. I think it would be hard to go back after all the deceit and so on, but i certainly understand the idea of wanting to be a family if you can.... it's so hard I know

Gup - thanks for your thoughts. It's not been awful, just very ordinary and a bit sad. At least no major dramas. I'm getting increasingly weary of it all, and just feel quite down and can't be bothered-ish. I hope you're doing OK.

I'm fine actually. He came to get his stuff and I made him a cup of tea. He tried to talk me round but my mind is made up.
He is going back to work away in 2 weeks and said if it's really over between us then he won't come back again.
That's emotional blackmail and I said "if you don't do something about your drink problem we definitely don't have a future and you can live wherever you like!"
He wants us to go out tomorrow night but I can't face it. He'll use the emotion of New Years Eve to manipulate me.
I feel so much calmer now he's gone, still very but nowhere near as wound up as I was.

Hello everyone - and welcome to ANL & RG.

GUP - tons of ((((((hugs)))))). I am so sorry that his behaviour has escalated but am mighty relieved to hear that you & dc's are all 'physically ok' - though they will remember what they saw, young as they are. Yes he has crossed the boundary, but I hope you are fully prepared by sticking to your guns about him going.

I don't know if ANL & RG have had a chance to read through all the previous posts, but I have to say that Al Anon has been incredibly helpful for me. I have been going for a year and I can see how much I have grown and changed in just that 1 year. And realised that I am not mad and that it isn't me that has the problem.

When my DH crossed the boundary by ripping up our wedding photo & smashing ornaments in front of our DD, I had to put a stop to any further escalation of this unacceptable intolerable behaviour. But I am lucky in that I am making an informed decision about it. I am not reacting to 'an outburst'. I was in a good position to set the boundaries in the first place. Also, when I went to see the Solicitor I was calm and collected, not a blubbing mess.

I have had a very interesting Christmas at the in-laws. If anything it was like having an out of body experience. They all got trollied, tried to ply me with continual bucks fiz from 0930hrs (2 glasses was more than enough), to going to the pub for the 'nearest and dearest'(refused to go!), to wine with every course of our 5 course Xmas Feast (managed with just 2)....I was appalled. Especially as they had plied DD with chocolate all day (all children like chocolate at Xmas, stop being a nag)and she threw up all over their sofa at the end of the day . FIL was out for the count in his chair, MIL was glued to the TV and DH was sprawled on the sofa half covered in vom. Nice! I cleaned it up because DD was so upset, and he was too incapable.

Boxing day at my mothers was far better (and without DH)- I was sorry I had to come back yesterday. There he was, slumped in front of some nastiness on Sky; no interest in DD or her pressies.
I am on my last 3 nights for a while because of childcare - so the future is bright. Nothing can be any worse than the past 3 years of shit.

Anyway, I have a new mantra...NFML!! (Not For Much Longer ). It won't be easy but I am working on plans A, B & C (when he gets arsey about leaving). Even our DD's birthday won't postpone the separation - I really have had enough and wish he could get the letter in the morning.....!

SS - it sounds like a pretty horrendous Christmas at your in laws, I'm glad you were able to have a good time at your mum's to make up for it.
NFML sounds like an excellent mantra. I so know how you're feeling, I just long for freedom.
I hate the emotional blackmail every time I try and put my foot down about the future. I said quite firmly I wasn't goimg to buy the house with him, and he just went on at me about how stupid i am, how short sighted, how if we made money buying the house it would pay for dd to go to provate school, if I separate from him, I'll be living in a 1 bedroom flat (oh, what an appalling irresponsible mother I am to even contemplate subjecting her to such a future!!! ) we won't be able to send her to provate school, i will be ruining her life / her future etc.

But to be honest, even without the drugs, I'd be wanting to split up. I'm so furious about his lack of contribution to family life. OK, he takes her out every now and again, to see his mum, or to a dad's group, washes up once a month or something, but spends the rest of his time out, or asleep.

As I said, he's been out almost every night the last week and a half, staying out 2 nights. Although he took dd out Saturday afternoon, on Sunday he slept all day except about 3 hours in the afternoon. He never gets up before 9 when not working. Today he went out at lunchtime, came back just before 9, ate a takeaway and was asleep by 9.15!

He goes on about loving me...it's so much nonsense. He complains that I'm cold and angry... would anyone in the world be able to be loving and warm towards this man after the last few years??? I don't think so, but of course he tells me that plenty of women would be able to deal with this all.

Yesterday when he woke at 2.45pm, he was annoyed that I let dd ask him to come with us to the park (she was the one asking if he was coming, I just let her ask him) cos he wanted to eat instead. And this morning at 9, I asked if he could look after her while I coloured my hair, and he started moaning, saying no, cos i should have done it when he took her out Saturday, and went back to sleep for an hour.

It sounds so petty, but in so enrages me, that he acts like he has no responsibility. He is like a teenager that I have to nag to do anything.

Sorry - mad crazy ranting over. Just had to get it all off my chest!

Happy New Year everyone, may it bring more happiness than 2007 x

Happy New Year, everyone!

And it will be - it can't be any worse than the last one....

Princess, mad crazy ranting is just fine by us; you will feel much better for it instead of doing it to him and not getting any reaction!!

Happy new year everyone. This year is going to be fantastic because we will all put ourselves and our DC first! No more rubbish and from the last posts we?ve all had to put up with a large amount of crap recently. I?ve promised DS that next Christmas will be so much better because it will be normal, he looked at me a bit bemused, bless him, only 21 months?

SS I so know what you mean, NFML is excellent, the end game has started!!

The visit at MIL was bizarre, we left quite early, no opportunity for pub/off licence stops and when we got there he was showing a few signs of serious withdrawal. Everybody noticed and commented but because he was sober nothing was really discussed.

As soon as the we were home he obviously started drinking very quickly. He started arguing about CDs and grabbed me by the throat. I nearly punched him but since I have been accused of physically abusing him I left it and call his dad instead. I knew where this was going, he was going to accuse ME of violence. There has been occasions where I have slapped him after hours of verbal crap and some shoving from him.

His family really seem to believe that I batter him however so I never touch him.

I?m worried that he will push this regarding access to DS. It sounds rather desperate on his part. I need to talk to my solicitor about this.

WDWGFH - yes, isn't it amazing what they Do remember!! I'm sure that my H will do the same when/if we end up in court....I lashed out (I hit his arm) after 3 days of continual abuse.

However, I must state that this was way before Al Anon; he was seeing a psych. (and we were seeing him jointly by this time) so I made an emergency appt. to say what had happened - I was very distressed by it. At least I will have documented evidence should H try to pull that stunt on me.

Do talk to your solicitor. After all the crap you have put up with, you should have the full weight of the law on your side. But I too was really shaken by reading those links about abusive fathers' access rights....

How is everyone else doing? Esp. Zookeeper - please post something to let us know you are ok.

Hi everyone - just to say hello to you all. I'm a bit up and down and contemplative but with you all in spirit.

I will post when I'm feeling a bit stronger- just exhausted and sad with it all really but nothing is as bad as living with an addict imo.

Talk soon - thanks for your concern SS! And GUP easier said than done but I really hope you can stick to your guns this time - you don't want your daughter to be in our position in another twenty years!?!

Hi everyone - I am new to mumsnet but have read this thread with interest - a lot of it rings true with me.
I don't know what to do for the best. Husband has smoked cannabis as long as I have known him - 10 years - and we have 2 young children nearly 3 and one of 5 months old. I think he is dependent on it but he thinks I am over reacting because he can stop for a month or so if he wants to. He has had extremely difficult life and is prone to angry verbal outbursts making me scared to raise the subject. I am thinking of leaving but I don't know really want to split the family - he is a lovely father and our oldest adores him. Sorry for long post and thanks for reading. I know he smokes to blot out the hurt he has suffered and our situation is not as bad as lot of the ones I have read on here but I just feel so sad and want to be happy again.

Bumping your post for lemonstartree to hopefully read and reply to as she has also had a very similiar situation to yours.

Well I think your situation is pretty bad honestly.

Yes he undoubtedly has had a hard time but not all people who have had poor childhoods revert to using cannabis. Its his excuse for using. He needs counselling, not cannabis. If he's been on this for a long time then he is highly likely to be physically dependent on it and will need proper help to come off it. If he will not seek counselling then you need to find support for your own self.

Sorry to say this as well but he is not being a lovely father to your children is he?. He loves them but likely loves cannabis more. Stopping it for one month is hopeless frankly, he needs to stop smoking this for good. Them growing up with a drug addicted father will do them no favours and they're certainly not going to thank you long term if you were to stay with him.

How much is he spending per week on the stuff, do you know?. Did you also think that when the children came along he would stop using or curtail his usage?.

Without him wanting to seek any help it will get worse for you over time.

Thanks for responding Attila and for your frankness - think I need to hear that. Once you have lived with a situation for a while, you are not sure what is and is not normal. As well as being his excuse for using, I let him off with a lot too because of his difficult past and also because I don't like confrontation.
I understand what you say about him not being a lovely father but I do think he is but when he does stop smoking for a month or so a couple of times a year things are even better - not sure if it is because there is no sneaking around or because he is not stoned or both! However, that is after a couple of weeks of irritability etc etc. Agree he needs to stop for good. I was shocked when I have gone through the bank statements to discover cashline withdrawals for about £50 a week. Yes, thought when we had children he would move on and stop using. Also didn't realise how naive I am about the subject in terms of he admitted at its worst he smokes throughout the day (never in front of me or children) but nips out to the garage and I have never really noticed. He has said he wants help to deal with his thought processes and to cope with how reacts to stress but ironically was shocked at how much this costs - roughly the same as his habit...
Not sure if I want to give an ultimatum - stop smoking or I leave or what to do next. I suppose I have not rocked the boat for years hoping next time he says he is stopping that he will realise things are better. Don't think he loves cannabis more than his family - just needs it more. I just know I deserve better than this - don't I?

Hello - I too have been lurking for some time and found this thread extremely helpful. My DH has drink problem which he has admitted/denied over the last 5 years. It's become really bad lately where me and the ds's only see him when he's having/had a drink. Because he's not rolling round swilling neat vodka he refuses to see it's a problem, but he drinks in secret, can't stop, gets anxious without it and has just had disciplinary at work for it. I#ve always helped 'keep up appearances' without really wanting to as the idea of blowing it all open and leaving with the boys has been too huge. However over Christmas I realised that it was not fair on them now they're getting older and told DH I was leaving. 3 weeks down the line, he's suddenly taken me seriously and is saying he'll get help and he doesn't want to split up the family, he's f**cked up etc etc. He has said this before and did go to 2 AA meetings before deciding it 'wasn't for him'!! Also, I've just found out I'm pregnant so that's a bit of a spanner in the works! Sorry this is so long, but it does tend to go on doesn't it? ANyway, I would really value your opinions on how to procede... I've told him I just don't believe/trust him, but he's begging for 'one last chance' . Should I give him it, or should I proced with separation and let him do it anyway? He says he needs my support and last night phoned and emailed dryoutnow.com for advice.

Morning all and welcome to cousinsandra and berrytastic.

The endgame has definitely started, he received my solicitor?s letter, on Saturday morning, which he initially refused to open and then begged me to change my mind, to reconsider my decision because he was going to address his ?alcohol issues?. One more chance, I still love you, and I?m sure you still love me. All day. It was exhausting.

He changed tactics on Sunday, he was going to fight me all the way to court, I?m an emotionless hard bitch. I?m violent (that old chestnut is getting upsetting) and I can?t prove that he was ever drunk in the presence of the baby. Apart from the fact that he had half a bottle of vodka last night, kind present from polish neighbours, and I recorded him talking incoherently to the baby and took photos.

More crap this morning, you?re not ?all that anyway?, who would want you, you?re a control freak, etc? Reminded him to call a solicitor, except that he can?t afford one (too much debt, actually so much debt now that he?s defaulting on the mortgage payment this month because he can hardly afford the interest on his credit cards) and earns too much for legal aid. Or so he says, he always managed to find money for booze.

In the end, I couldn?t keep a straight face in front of the CM dropping DS this morning. Since I was crying I told her we were separating, without going in too much details. She?s well aware of his ?liking for beer?, has made a joke of it since day one and concluded with ?you have to do what is important for your welfare and DS?. That it was going to be hard, that hopefully it would be the kick in the arse he needs but that if that didn?t work then he would need a kick in the bollocks, which I read as hopefully he will stop drinking however he might end up losing DS.

I hope this post is not too long, I do have support in RL, but I feel a lot closer to you girls because RL people listen but not necessarily understand how utterly soul destroying it is to live with an alcoholic.

Love to all.