SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

WhereGo, my DP is....

People pleaser
Mistakes personal criticism as a threat
Workaholic
Over developed sense of responsibility
Insecure relationships matches childhood relationship with (alcoholic) or dysfunctional parents
Addicted to excitement and constant upset

He had a v troubled childhood, violence, some alcohol binges, living in B&Bs, parents relationship off and on, spending time alone in room to keep out of way, etc. I think his main prob is not his alcohol use but his past, he says he's dealt with it and moved on but I think he's just burried away. If he doesn't deal with it the binging will prob get worse, even if not in the short term.

We both agree that we need to see a relationship councillor. I think that's the first step.

LST - You are amazing and have been incredibly brave. It does sound like he's sorted himself out, which is v good news but don't rush into anything. I don't know much about the processes being a relative newbie, but it sounds like you need time to let the dust settle.

GUP - when you first go to Al Anon you are not expected to talk. Not every meeting runs along the same lines; at our one any newcomer is given 15 minutes before the end of the meeting if they so choose to share who the alcoholic is, but it is not obligatory.

I remember my first time and I was like a torrent of suppressed emotion....and went on and on about what HE was like. I soon learned that Al Anon is for me to talk about how I feel, not to talk about what he said/did/did not do etc. It happens to all

Once you have some understanding of what Al Anon is all about, then yes, the alcoholic's behaviour can be brought into the 'sharing' but it has to be in relation to what you have learned by altering your behaviour. Sorry this sounds a bit waffly, but it is very hard to explain in a posting - and to try to dispel any myths about what happens in an Al Anon meeting.

Anyway, please ask any questions , I'll answer whatever I can.

Atilla - Thankyou for the info re: Telegraph. I shall have to see if I can get hold of it via their website. Is it in the magazine or the paper??

WDWGFH - Oh how I sympathise. I'm going to have the same old crap to deal with when my DH gets his letter in Jan. because he will have to go to his parents....I think that from now you will have to keep shtum about anything that does not involve contact with DC....'he said, she said' is not a nice place to be stuck in the middle of, and unfortunately for you, they will all have an ulterior agenda .

Thanks SS. I thought it was like AA where you stand up and say "my name is .... and my dp is an alcoholic". My worst nightmare. I would be OK if it was a small group and I could spend a few sessions saying nothing before I opened up. Also very worried I'd see someone I know there (this is a very small town when you've lived in it all your life!)

Hi GUP

In answer to your question that article is on the newspaper website under their Christmas section. On the right hand side about half way down there is a sub section called Lifeclass. Its in there.

HTH

Attila

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtml?xml=/health/2007/12/11/hlesley111.xml

Infact this is the article in question.

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtml?xml=/health/2007/12/11/hlesley111.xml

Thank you - I could have written that letter, its scary how many people feel like that at what should be a happy time of year.

GUP - Al Anon is Amonymous...you may well find someone else in your village/town who is there too, it may be your GP, it may be your childs teacher. The point is that it really does not matter because you are going for you.

In any case, you may be surprised at how many people know exactly what has been going on. What have you got to be ashamed of/embarrassed about?? You are behaving responsibly by seeking help and advice from the best source possible - from people who are in exactly the same position as yourself. You will find that they are in varying degrees of recovery, and if you are lucky to find a sponsor then you will be well on the way to getting out of the madness that you are currently stuck with.

My DH has a problem with drinking. He drinks almost every day, and about once a week he gets drunk to the point of stumbling. It's becoming more frequent, and he admitted to me the other day that he feels like he comes last after baby, my mum, me, job, etc. and that this is contributing to his drinking, though he admits that this is not the right way to handle his emotions. We had this row over the weekend, or maybe it was last week? I told him he'd lose his family if this continues.

Since then, we've gone to two parties together and he got drunk at the first one, and last night at my company holiday party he drank enough that he wasn't completely pissed, but he smelled awful of alcohol this morning. It put the issue in my mind and I mentioned it to him and it started another mini-row that we managed to stop before it turned into something big.

He won't even consider stopping drinking but he said he would read a book I got him called "responsible drinking" which teaches moderation management.

I am just so stressed and unhappy and anxious because I know that if he comes home drunk again I won't let him into the house. I am frightened for that moment.

He agreed to a de-tox in January. I remember the one month that we stopped drinking together was the happiest in our relationship.

So, well, I guess just Hello Everyone.

Hi Roromummy.
Snap! I know how it feels waiting with baited breath to see what state they come home in.
Has he always been like this or is it only since you had the baby?
Where can I get that book? I'd love to show it to dp, we are trying to moderate his drinking at the moment. He won't give up totally, but he can be fine on a few pints, its the binges I can't cope with.

Welcome RoRoMommy and hello to everybody.

I sent the Telegraph article to MIL who explained that she didn?t carry on with the Al-Anon meetings are she was finding herself ?getting more and more annoyed with saying prayers and calling on a higher divine to help her.?

At least we?re talking about us and how his drinking is affecting us.

On the home front, he was very pleased with himself with not drinking on Monday and Tuesday, supposedly showing that he had listened to Sunday?s ?big talks?. However he drunk 1 ½ bottle of wine and 2 bottles of strong cider, a full 25 units last night, went to bed at 02:15, pushed me out of the bed, effing very incoherently. I finished the night on the sofa (my second bed really).

Obviously he was still very drunk this morning and insulted me in front of DS. In these moments I feel pure hatred.

I?ve sent out all the paperwork to my solicitor, will call to see if anything will happened soon as we are in complete bank holidays limbo right now. He told me that he will bin the solicitor?s letter without reading it. It was the drunk talking and the sober one will cry asking why can?t you support me?

Christmas is going to be tense, I can?t wait for January to move on to the official phase of this separation.

Hugs to everybody, I hope that people post today as it?s my last working day.

Hey ginnedupudding, here's the site to buy the book from amazon, that's where I got it. DH hasn't cracked it yet, but last night was lovely, no drinking and a nice dinner, quiet evening at home. Tonight we're having dinner out with a friend, this was originally going to be a night out for DH with his friend, but I complained that the last two times he's gone out with this guy he's come home drunk, and I couldn't deal with that again, so he's invited me along to prove that he'll be good.

Good luck wheredowego; I know what you mean about the Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde personality change. It's so frustrating and predictable. Insults in front of DS must be so hard, I am sorry you have to deal with that. I hope you're able to have some quiet relaxing fun this holiday season!

Wheredowego...
Christmas must be difficult, with all the alcohol around, and it must feel horrible that you've got Christmas with all the expectations of being a happy loving family, to get through before things can move forward to your future.

I certainly understand those feelings of pure hatred. They happen almost every day! Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into a bundle of anger and hatred.

Anyway, I hope that Christmas is kind to you.

Welcome to the new people. I haven't been on for a while as my internet access depends on dd's sleeps and (d)p's behaviour really.

I tried calling the CAB, but that's hopeless. We have 2 in our borough, both at least 45 minutes away by bus, 1 or other open to take calls for about 2 hours a day, so it seems impossible to get through.

I'm thinking maybe just sell the house, then he'll have to go elsewhere.

I'm getting some satisfaction by going on strike. As he is so lazy around the house, I am not going out of my way to clean up after him. None of his clothes get washed unless they make their way to the washbasket etc. Now he has spent or lent all his money, I have no intention of funding anything for him. He can live on baked beans for Christmas for all I care. He won't do anything about his problem, why should I make him comfortable while he drags us all down.

Thanks for that - an extra christmas pressie for him!!!
Wheredowego - why is it that they stop for a few days, then make up for it big time the day after! At least this will be the last Christmas you have to put up with it - I hope it's not too awful for you.
Princess - good for you, don't be his skivvy and definitely cut off the money, why should your money go to feed his habit.
Its all quiet here - he's working away again this week. He's not going out for a Christmas drink with the workmates this year as he's too busy. He normally goes for a 'boys day out' on Boxing day, but the kids are away this year so he's taking me out for the day instead!! Dare I say it, I'm starting to relax a bit about Christmas, now that 2 of the major binge ups are out the window. We still haven't done the food shop yet, when he'll probably buy loads of booze but I feel like I've won a few battles lately, although whether I win the war or not is another matter!

Update, he was good. I didn't go because I am down with a cold, but he only drank a couple of beers and came home early and sober. I am so relieved.

And then it all goes to cock again...he said he was going out to have one pint with work mates, he'd be home by 6-6:30, and he didn't come home until almost 8pm. He was upset that he missed the shops closing because there was some surprise gift he wanted to get for me, but then when I didn't have any sympathy for him (I mean, come on, be responsible and find out when the shops close ffs), he got all huffy and mad. He didn't apologize, at least not without anger in his voice.

I went to put the baby to bed and when I came back out into the lounge he was gone. We are meant to leave on an airplane tomorrow for holiday and I don't even know where he is.

Oh well. Happy Christmas to everyone.

WDWGFH - Try not to take to heart your MIL's negativity about Al Anon. I'm sad that the Chair of her meeting didn't explain from the onset that Al Anon is not religious, but that when there is talk of 'God, it is as we understand him' - God could be the coffee cup on the table if you want him to be!!

There is also talk of 'a higher power' - well that could be classed as 'divine intervention'/anything out there that you want it to be. How many people do you know who say 'for Gods' sake/please God/there but for the grace of God......and are they religious? Exactly!! These are two general terms to make it a bit easier for everyone to get aquainted with it, as it is mentioned in the Steps and the literature, but you have to be careful not to take it out of context, as she evidently has. Really that is all there is to it .

I sincerely hope that it does not put off anyone from coming to Al Anon. Like I have said previously, you are advised to go for 6 weeks before making up your mind if it is for you or not. The only thing you are refunded is your misery .

Welcome, RRM & LDBM! I hope that you have managed to follow all the previous posts; I hope that you find us helpful.

PHN - now that's the spirit, keep up the good work because you will find it a little bit easier day by day to stop doing so much for Him and investing more for Yourself. The next step is to get out of the firing line when he starts being nasty. Just walk out into the garden if you have to. Just do not answer him back, even if what he is saying is blatently untrue/hurtful/poisonous. It is in the gameplan to press those buttons to get you to react.

Incidentally, the reason I am posting so late is because this eve. I took DD & DH to his parents because I am on Nights Sat & Sun. And it is so wonderful to have my house back that I am savouring every minute. No TV on morning, noon & night. No stinky sticks in the bathroom (yes he is also in denial about going back on the fags after giving up for a year - yet another addiction!).

Roll on the end of Jan when he gets the letter from my solicitor (hurrah!) - it has to be after the 20th as our DD's birthday party is on that day....

I won't be able to post after this weekend as I'm away, but will be back next Sunday....so to everyone, be strong over Christmas, take each day as it comes, don't expect anything. And please please don't add to the stress by watching them like a hawk/counting how much they have had. They will notice you watching, but won't care, and if they do they won't have any recollection. Meanwhile it will fuel the resentment fire you will have burning....honestly, it really will not make you feel any better.

You will never be able to outwit/outmanipulate an alcoholic.

Hello everyone

I haven't been around lately because I have been very down and using all my energy just keeping going. I haven't wanted to think about drink and the issues surrounding it I still feel enormously weary with it all so for now just a quick message to hopw that you all have a good Christmas - back in New Year.

Let's hope it's a better New Year for all of us and for our dcs - it will be what we make it.

thanks for all your support - this thread has helped me through some very bleak moments this year

hello to everyone. i was really pleased to find this thread as many of the experiences here seem to be similar to some of mine. not sure if he's an 'addict' per se, but my dp has some issues with alcohol, and this has caused many problems in our relationship. the pattern used to be frequent heavy drinking binges which were normalised for him by his work environment and friendships. these caused arguments and upset between us from a very early stage. these binges were often to the point of blackouts, verbal abuse, etc. we've talked/argued about this repeatedly and he freely admits that he cannot stop once he goes beyond a certain point, regardless of how that will affect him/me/etc.

now we have a small dd and i promised myself and him that if this EVER happened once she arrived, i (and she) would be out of here. to be fair he had been doing really well, and was managing to 'moderate' himself through most of the pregnancy and since she was born, and then surprise surpise, his work xmas party a week ago, and here we go again. me lying awake until 6am wondering if he's alive or dead and then getting nothing but attitude (to put it lightly) when he finally returned, having apparently forgotten how he got home. now in a situation where i don't know which way to turn. he has been living in the spare room since last week. i really have had enough now, and i will not have my dd exposed to this. he has ruined our xmas and has destroyed all the trust that had built up again between us over time.

he does admit this is a problem, and that there is a jekyll and hyde issue going on, and he's now saying that he's either going to quit drinking completely or limit himself to two drinks. a great sentiment, but we've been here before. got no idea what to do for the best. thanks for reading this. wishing you all a merry and hopefully stress-free xmas

I would suggest you contact Al-anon as you need support too.

Will he seek proper help for his drinking problem (talking to his GP about his drink problem) and be willing to go to AA?. He has to prove to you that he is serious about giving up drink for good.

Any attempt by an alcoholic to give up drink without any form of outside support is more often than not doomed to failure. He should also seek medical advice.

He will need to look at totally abstaining from drinking, he cannot have two drinks.

Hi everyone (welcome allneonlike)
I'm probably not going to get on here much in the next few days, so I hope you all get through Christmas without too much heartache.
I'm fully expecting dp to go on the piss at some point over the next week or so, he's like bomb waiting to go off atm. Everything we have got planned over Christmas has to involve him having a drink, and I'm fed up with always being the one to drive home. We are meeting up with my best friend on Boxing Day, who I hardly ever see and he's still refused to drive home so that I can have a few glasses of wine with dinner.
He's gone out to get my Christmas present today, and of course that means he can go to the pub and I can't ask him where he is or when he'll be back .
The saddest thing of all is that the only thing I want for Christmas is for him to stop drinking, but it looks like that's the only thing I can't have.
Sorry to be miserable. I'll cheer up before I post on here again - I promise

Hi everyone (welcome allneonlike)
I'm probably not going to get on here much in the next few days, so I hope you all get through Christmas without too much heartache.
I'm fully expecting dp to go on the piss at some point over the next week or so, he's like bomb waiting to go off atm. Everything we have got planned over Christmas has to involve him having a drink, and I'm fed up with always being the one to drive home. We are meeting up with my best friend on Boxing Day, who I hardly ever see and he's still refused to drive home so that I can have a few glasses of wine with dinner.
He's gone out to get my Christmas present today, and of course that means he can go to the pub and I can't ask him where he is or when he'll be back .
The saddest thing of all is that the only thing I want for Christmas is for him to stop drinking, but it looks like that's the only thing I can't have.
Sorry to be miserable. I'll cheer up before I post on here again - I promise

Hi everyone (welcome allneonlike)
I'm probably not going to get on here much in the next few days, so I hope you all get through Christmas without too much heartache.
I'm fully expecting dp to go on the piss at some point over the next week or so, he's like bomb waiting to go off atm. Everything we have got planned over Christmas has to involve him having a drink, and I'm fed up with always being the one to drive home. We are meeting up with my best friend on Boxing Day, who I hardly ever see and he's still refused to drive home so that I can have a few glasses of wine with dinner.
He's gone out to get my Christmas present today, and of course that means he can go to the pub and I can't ask him where he is or when he'll be back .
The saddest thing of all is that the only thing I want for Christmas is for him to stop drinking, but it looks like that's the only thing I can't have.
Sorry to be miserable. I'll cheer up before I post on here again - I promise

Sorry sorry sorry!!! I don't know why that went on three times!

Hi guys

wishing everyone a happy Christmas and a peaceful New Year

hope its all as good as possible most of all for the dc's who really do deserve a happy holiday.

I am up to my neck in sick, as ds3 has just vomited everything over himself, the sofa and rug (hes only small I had no idea his stomach could hold so much!) !!

lsct x