SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

I'm here lsct, how are you?

On my side, he has run out of money again though this might be more serious as he actually received a call from the bank. I'm so relieved that he cannot applied for a secure loan on the house without my consent.

Considering how much financial pressure he's under I hope that he won't fight too much when I can finally buy him out. I've applied for a mortgage on my own and am waiting for the reply...

Hi there - I'm here now too! Though I'm on my lunchbreak but am here until 8pm so will come back later as well.

As you know, I'm seeing the solicitor on Mon. 10th. I'm not really sure what to ask - has anyone got any ideas please? I'm anticipating trouble from H as regards leaving the house (I'm going for separation).
I also need to see if I can manage to buy him out (if it comes to that).

WDWGFH - heaps of good luck buying him out; I shall be interested to know how that all goes for future planning for me & DD.

Hi Secretsquirrel, what do you wish to achieve with this first visit? Be very ready though, because it is awfully expensive!

I've only talked about the financial side so far, i.e. how to buy him out. What you need is a recent valuation of the house (any local estate agent can do that for free), your mortgage redemption statement to know exactly how much there's left. Then depending on your trust deed (are you joint tenants or tenants in common?) you can calculate how much you need to buy him out.

I don't know how to appraoch the contact agreement for DS. If he was sober I wouldn't think that every alternate weekends would be enough. However, knowing how much he drinks I cannot trust him with looking after DS in the evenings.

I don't want to go court, the sol told me it would cost £2k minimum, also Mothers for Justice are damning in their reports of family courts.

BUT I will fight for DS safety.

I think I just need the information so I am informed of what will be what, and what I need to have in place.

Because I'm working today there is no time before Mondays appt. (Building Society notoriously slow in granting appts!!). I have a list of questions, but lack the evidence needed to back what I want, because unfortunately most of it is my word against his.

The only concrete evidence I have is from DD's nursery, when he went to collect her and was drunk. I don't have anything from the police because he hasn't been violent.

I'm well aware of the cost; but I earn too much for legal aid (had a very bad experience with legal aid 20 yrs ago in any case). Mother would help if I really needed it.

It will be hard to get the house valued as he is in 24/7 except for the weekend before Christmas when I know he will be at his parents - that will have to be my chance!

You can request a mortgage redemption statement over the phone, and even if you don't have the hard copy with you on Monday it could be very useful to know how much is left on the mortgage.

Check www.nethouseprices.com/ for recent sales in your area. Don't forget to take out 10% for the recent price drop!

Have you had a look on the Mothers for Justice site? It is scary.

I will be very interested by your Monday posts!

Hi everyone.
SS and WDWGFH - good luck with solicitors etc. Never had to go through all that as I've never even had a mortgage!!
Just had screaming row with dh on phone and ended up shouting at him to f* off .
He's working away this week and his phone's been off all day, so I finally got through this evening and he's drunk! I asked him if he'd been drinking and he denied it to the hilt, which lit my touchpaper as the one thing I hate above all is being lied to - he even swore on his daughter's life. Then his boss phoned me to tell me how he'd been working so hard he took them for a drink to say thank you, which confirmed that dp had lied all along- idiots the lot of them.
I'm soooo glad he's not here. He's back tomorrow though so he'd better be sober and sorry by then

Anyway I don't care about dp or his antics because its ds2's nativity tomorrow and its his last one with the preschool before he goes to big school in January. I'm going to need plenty of tissues - my baby is growing up

GUP

Best of luck with the nativity play; I welled up quietly at my son's too the year before he started junior school.

What are you going to say to him tomorrow if he dares show his face?. Will you accept his sorry pleas?. I hope not frankly, he's full of excuses and empty promises. Time methinks to get really angry with him and don't feel sorry for him, show him you mean business because he will try and worm his way out of trouble.

Detach yourself emotionally and financially (that one to do will be easier) from him, its the only way forward for you ultimately. He's only thinking of himself, swearing on his daughter's life indeed that he was not drunk, he's truly pathetic. Bet he's still blaming everyone else but him for his problems.

I would have said straight off to his boss that taking him for drinks was an extremely bad idea because he (your partner) is alcohol dependent.

OOOh I wish I'd had the guts to say that Attilla. Mind you his boss is just as bad by the sounds of it!!

I switched my phone off last night so haven't spoken to him. Hope he doesn't phone me at work, I won't be able to talk properly there.

He's due back tonight so we'll have to wait and see!

I completely lost it last night, he was having a moan about his financial situation and I just told him to shut up, that it was his mess, his problem, that he couldn?t possibly believe he was a responsible father when he was not addressing his drinking and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.

I felt pure rage while it lasted and then reverted to normal behaviour and ignored him?

Good luck ginnedupumpkin, some time it?s good to feel angry, it?s rather empowering actually!

Hi everyone

I haven't been on for a while - things have been very up and down but I'm hanging on in there and FEEL GREAT inspite of it all for no longer having to deal with ongoing has he /hasn't he been drinking issues.

GUP I know exactly how he lies can get you furious - mine would deny he was drinking to me whenI had just seen him with a can of beer in his hand. You know what you have to do...how many more chances are you going to give him?

SS and any of you for that mattter - I am a solicitor - can you CAT me? If you send me some questions I'll try help over the weekend if that helps.

Must go as at work

xx to all

ZK - I'm computer illiterate; what is CAT [embarrassed]?

Good luck for tonight, GUP. I'm sorry your serenity will take a bashing when he gets home! Do try to detach from the behaviour, and don't let him see you seething even if you can keep from arguing back. If he starts, remove yourself from him/the situation

As for my H, well he is acting as though all is well. Ha! It so isn't.

He apologised again for his behaviour last Tues. (ripping up our wedding photo & smashing up a treasured ornament - all in front of DD ).

We bought our Christmas tree earlier, and the cards are arriving. He is supposed to be drawing with DD but soon got bored and now the cookery channel is back on so I will have to go soon.

CAT is contact a mumsnetter. Its on the far right of the blue bar at the top of this page.

The anger has subsided now, he's back tonight and off again on Sunday for another week so I don't want to spend all the time he's here fighting - I will detach myself from it though. I'm not discussing it anymore. He knows the problem, its up to him to do something about it or he knows what the consequences will be.
ZK you are right, I know it is inevitable. I feel like a rabbit in the headlights at the moment, scared to split up but scared not to as well.
Roll on 2008 - can't wait to get Christmas over with and get back to 'normal' again!

Oh Secretquirrel, nice to apologise but doesn't change the fact that he should never have acted like that in the first place.

Mine's blowing hot and cold at the same time. I have been informed that I'm not particularly human (I'm my own special species! and that he wanted to start again and lean the lessons.

It must be Christmas if he starts making unrealistic demands!!

FIL must be concerned because he's called me to make me promise that he will be able to see DS when we're separated.

Wishing a good weekend to all of youl

Hi GUP

Re your comments:-

"I feel like a rabbit in the headlights at the moment, scared to split up but scared not to as well"

Hugs to you ((((((GUP))))))) at feeling like a rabbit in the headlights.

Why are you so scared to split with him?. What's holding you back from doing this, is it to do with your children, your own self?. Re the children he is hardly an ideal role model/mentor for them is he?. He's imparting damaging lessons to these young people. What are your kids learning from you both?.

I don't mean to be harsh in respect of the above but YOU are the only one ultimately who can help you. He's quite happy for this situation to continue as it is as you are still around thus having not to face up to anything - you're the only one who can change things. There are no guarantees though, he could lose everything and still continue to drink. That's his choice though, you are ultimately not his responsibility.

He will never change but you can change how you react to him. On a wider level he is dragging you all down with him. I don't know you personally but if I did I would say the above to your face.

GUP, I feel for you. I so know where you are - its where I was last summer - scared to stay, scared to go. For me one last 'abuse' pushed me to go, and once I was gone his mad behaviour and drug taking made me determined not to have him back

Attila is right (but you already 'know' that) in the messages he he giving to your children.....

Loads of people asked me 'Why didnt you tell me" when H and I separated and I was honest about his drug taking and the violence within the home......(although tbh I didn't KNOW about the extent of his drug taking prior to our separartion -perhaps I preferred to ignore it) - and you know Its hard to understand why I didn't confide in any RL friends.... But then I think - they would have told me to leave him (which was right) and I wasn't ready, so it would have poisoned our friendship, that I needed to stay sane........ the point of this ramble is that - I know attila is 'right' and you know it too...... but I will not push you to go because you are not yet ready.

I would advise you to say to your dh , as clearly as you can, If you do not sort out your drink problem our marriage will end...... not to put a time limit but just to state the that fact and keep stating it. When you do seperate, you will feel better that ypu warned him......
mY H is obsessed with 'ultimatums' and how they don't work. I have now told him ( and I wish I had had the words before we seperated) Its NOT an ultimatum about your behaviour, its about ME ... "I will NOT/CAN NOT LOVE you anymore if you continue to treat me like this....'..

feel very sad tonight but I think underneath that I am happy..stressed, overworked etc etc, but somewhere deep inside I think I am happy.............

LSCT - i'm glad to hear you're feeling happy, even if it does get overlaid with all the pressures you're under. I guess the fact is that you are really putting yourself and your dcs first, emotionally, and that is going to have its rewards, even though some aspects of life maybe harder.

Gup - I know how you feel. I know our relationship is ending, and I feel some calm and relief from knowing that, but then when I think of the practicalities / decision etc that lie in front of me, I feel a sense of panic at the uncertainties, and I'm finding it difficult to do anything definitive.

He apparently did it again last night - at least he stayed out, so I didn't get to experience the madness. I spoke to him this morning, and he pretended he was on his way to work. I met him later, and he pretended he'd just come back from work - he still doesn't understand that I look at him, and just know these days.

He said he's had no plans to get high, then met one of his friends, who does it too - he suggested p do it too - p said no (and is very proud of this step forward) but the friend kept urging him to, and he did. I guess it's a positive thing that his initial reaction was no, but personally I'm finding it hard to be as impressed by this as he is, bearing in mind the gap between no, and ok then, I will!!!

He then needed £160 to pay the debt, and more money to go out tonight for a works do in London - I haven't seen him or heard from him since (though to be fair his phone is dead now) but guess there's a fair chance he's off doing some more.

What a fool he is.

I find I'm not as angry as I used to be. More immensely weary and saddened. I think that's indicative of my changing feelings towards him tbh. He says how much he loves me, wants me, loves his family, how much of a difference I've made. If all that's true, then he's even more idiotic not to have tried to sort himself out.

I don't know what to do about living arrangements. I used to like the place where the flat is, but it's in a different borough, I really like all the toddler groups I have around here, the facilities are loads better.... but as we bought the flat this year, there are big financial penalties to selling...unless I could move the mortgage maybe.

Sorry, this is long and rambling. Ignore me!

He's just phoned up crying, saying he's just dragging me down, his existence is pointless, he's a waste of space etc. He spent all his money, and owes more.

I'm torn between desperate sadness for him, and a weary contempt. He's put himself in this position, and while he's on drugs, what he's saying is true - he is worthless to us, and incapable of being any kind of partner or father.

I'm so tired of this. i just hope maybe this is a wake up call to him.

but he still wants to buy the house with me!!!! so probably still living in cloud cuckoo land

He went off to pay his debt over 2 hours ago. He said that if he didn't come back this time I'd be right to leave him, if he couldn't even resist today. He thought he'd be about an hour, so, guess he has just kept on going. He's had about 4 hours sleep since Wednesday morning. He'll kill himself at this rate anyway.

And the stress makes it hard for me to be as patient with dd as usual in the middle of a tantrum - I've had her wrapping herself round my leg shouting cuddle mummy, as I've tried to walk her to the bus stop to come home from town. I know she's tired, but she's too heavy to carry far - it took about 30 minutes to walk what should have taken 5! I found myself marching along with her under 1 arm, muttering angrily about how cross I was. Must have looked a bit mad!

Atilla - thankyou for that info (now I do feel silly !)

PHN - if you are starting to feel indifferent to him, then that is indication alone that you are hitting your rock bottom.

I was told once that in marriage the two sides of a coin are 'Love & Hate'; if his behaviour is making you feel hate then you are not really ready because you are still capable of having very strong definate feelings.

ZK - I've tried to contact you via CAT but it won't accept...

Thanks Attilla.
He's back today and has been the model man. We went to ToysRUs and bought the kids Christmas pressies then back home we put the tree up and he spent ages putting the lights up for us and cooked their tea while I watched TV.
He's watching the boxing indoors tonight instead of going out with his brothers like he normally does as he said he knows he'll drink if he goes with them.
He is trying so hard to make things work. If he could be like this all the time I would be so happy.
Princess - for you. You sound so fed up in your post. SS is right, when the indifference kicks in you are hitting your rock bottom. He's an idiot, you sound lovely and he's going to lose you and your dd if he carries on this way. Hope he sees sense before its too late.
(((((hugs)))))

Thanks LSCT - I'm glad you're feeling happy (although its tinged with the sadness)
I feel the opposite today - happy we've had a good day, but a bit sad because I don't think this will last long term and I can't honestly see us still being together this time next year.

Just a little bump.
I hope I haven't killed this thread. I've got a habit of doing that!
Hope everyone is OK.