SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

Sorry havent been on much lately. I was so down after last week that I needed a break from thinking about it all. Thanks for the hug Lemonstartree - much needed it was!!
So much of what has been said over the weekend is true for me too. Its like we are living identical lives .
Mickey - I hate when dp comes back after a bender and tries to rule the roost again too. I get so resentful and angry that he can behave badly then pick up where he left off, but that anger is actually directed at myself for being so weak and letting him.
Dp is being lovely again, but I'm holding back, I feel like I can't let myself love him totally anymore, because I will get hurt again. The more I hold back, the more he smothers me.
Its been a week since the last time, and I'm just starting to feel 'normal' again, but I'm constantly on edge waiting for the next crisis to send him over the edge
ZK - its good that your ex spent time with the children on Saturday. Shame he's so horrible to you though. Typical blame thing though isn't it. Its easier to blame you than to face up to the consequences of his actions.
I know what you all mean about the lying. I doubt every word dp says these days, and I've lost so much respect for him. Much as he tries to be what I want, I sometimes feel like its gone too far now and we are just coastin along until he eventually pushes me so far there is no going back.
Wow I'm miserable aren't I. I was going to try and be cheerful this time but its all come spilling out again!

secresquirrel, I'm very local Al-Anon meeting has had to stop for a while as the leader was unwell. Hopefully will start soon, however I won't be able to go once I'm in a single mum (sometimes in 2008 at the rates of things...)

I know that I shouldn't pay too much attention to the alcohol in the flat but I can hardly ignore it when I'm the one putting the recycled bags outside and getting funny looks from neighbours.

Also, I'm annoyed, I have a cold and cannot have a hot toddy, because amazingly the rum bottled has disappeared. Must be the slugs at night...

Feeling sorry for myself...

aaargh. Since DP's departure I have taken over all of the bills, simply transferring the direct debits from the joint account to my own account. The only account in his name was xxxxxx which covers the phone, computer and tv. xxxxxx wouldn't speak to me about it as the account was in his sole name and he won't speak to me about anything, never mind transferring it to my name.

About a week ago I wrote to Virgin explaining the sitution hoping that they would contact him and that he would transfer the account into my name

Yesterday someone mentioned my landline wasn't working and I just assumed one of the dcs had dislodged the receiver. Last night the tv stopped working during(horror) the bedtime hour in Cbeebies.

Today couldn't send emails and the penny finally dropped that ex not-very d p has simply transferred the account which covers all three to his new house rather than just let me put it in my name

Without mentioning it to me AND

to make things worse I had been paying by direct debit and that went out of my account only two days ago. So I have paid his bill for the next month.

I am at how nasty he is becoming.

ZK

Sorry to read about all this - he's given you more than enough crap with his alcoholism to last two lifetimes.

He could not give two hoots about any of you could he?. Its also about power and control; he's likely happy that he got one over on you.

My guess as well is that Virgin are not going to be all that helpful either. Did you follow up your letter with a phone call to them a couple of days later?.

I would look to finding another service provider.

I'd have a word with the bank also to see if those funds can be returned.

oops didn't mean to mention Virgin - I don't think they've done anything wrong tbh.

I would almost prefer to have him back drunk rather than sober and very very nasty

He's an arse Zookeeper.
You are well rid!

Hi guys

sorry to have been absent for the last week or so. To much happening and thoughts not straight...

Mickeylou - I so completely understand your need to make decisions for yourself. This is the right thing to do. You cannot rely on him, his thinking is muddled by his need for alcohol, I am sure he feels upset that you are making decisions he might no agree with about your house sale, but thats his problem. You will trust him again (maybe) if he is able to earn that trust back. I have lost all respect for my h as a person , as a 'man' as a father and as a husband. pretty sad really.......

ZK well done for arranging contact for the children. What an arse he is....getting at you in this pathetic way......you are very strong and putting your childrens' welfare above your own needs - and he (selfish arse) allows them to loose their night time TV. I know what you mean about how nasty they can be - my h went through a stage of really horrible behaviour (mostly verbal stuff to everyone - neighbours, family etc etc) when the realised his manipulations would not get me back. It stopped eventually as I refused to rise to it... in answer to your question about how I am coping with the dc's.

It varies. !!

ds 1&2 are at school ; weekends are no problem its getting them up dressed ready for school and out the door by 8am that causes the problems, and homework!!!!
ds3 who is only 2 goes to a fab childminder who is flexible and lovely..... my mum is close and she helps out a bit ( she cant manage all 3 but will have ds3 whilst I take the older two to the dentist for example) my PIL are close and help a bit, I have a network f babysitters ( 2or3 ) who the kids know - at the beginning they couldn't cope with me being out of an evening at all, but they are more settled now..... I am exhausted, I am up at 6 every morning and haven't had any kind of lie in in 3 months. But I am coping..... i find the relentlessness hard and the responsibility and the time pressure ....... but none of it is as hard as when h was here.....

GUP - hope your dp is still sober and being lovely...... have another hug anyway (((((((((GUP)))))))))

PHN - you sound quite resolved that the end is in sight.. do you have any plans as to how you can get him out ?

SS you do sound very serene! if t was me I'd be going MAD that my h was dinking all his redundancy money and not looking for work

wdwgfh you sound like you need a hug too ((((((((wdwgfh))))))

apologies to anyone I've missed out,

so iam pretty much where I was last week. H came over on Sunday and stayed for lunch and it was fine and he is sorry and wants to come home. I think i dd manage to explain to him that the only reason to try again is if there is something between he and I......enough to build on and to make a happy marriage. I am not sure that I want to, and even if I did want too am am even less certain that we can. some things seem very clear to me now; that he needs a nurturing mother kind of wife - I am not and never will be the kind of woman who coos and worries over him. I cannot defer to him when I know he is wrong just because he is a man ...etc etc

he dosnt see any of this or wont. I think we are wrong for each other and even if he were not a drug addict I do not think it would work.

the easy thing would be to have him home. He is clean , he is sorry, he is earning , but I would be acting against my feelings and I know that would lead to disaster

one part of me wants him home. It would be practically SO much easier than juggling three kids and FT career....but what would it teach the ds's about marriage ??? and what about ME in there somewhere I want a partner I can love, adore and respect....and somewhere inside I am beginning to feel that I deserve one.

sorry this is so long

xxx to all

lst

Hi LST. Well done for not taking the easy route and having him back for convenience sake. I think you are right not to let him back at the moment.
Do you think that you got so used to him being on drugs that you don't really know him anymore. May be you need to spend time with him and get to know the 'real' him and see how you feel about each other then. If its what he really wants he'll do it in your time and on your terms.
Things here are back to normal. He's being really good again, he's really busy at work and not drinking.
My attitude is changing a bit too - I'm starting to realise that I can't change things. If he goes off on one I can't stop him, but he knows and I know that the next time will be the end of us, so I'm just enjoying the moment really and not worrying about what might happen in the future.
Tbh I'm so busy with christmas shopping, nativity plays and the endless things I have to do for ds2 who starts school in January that I don't have time to dwell on things atm!
Hope everyone else is OK.

Hi everyone,

sounds like everyone's still having some rough times, but also sounding more resolved and stronger about the situations. Power to us!

Gup - it sounds like this is an ultimatum you really mean - I guess that must make you feel a bit empowered.

Lst - you sound like you're doing so well, despite all the relentless pressure of working single mum. I admire you for standing true to your feelings.

The latest thing is he wants to buy the house (in my name) and pay the mortgage and some money for me to live on, but would live somewhere else if that's what I want (certainly is), and get help for his problems. What do you think? Is that just madness? Downside is I would be reliant / dependent on him, but I would have some money left over so I could cover the mortgage if things went wrong, and then put the house on the market. Plus is that me and dd get to stay somewhere that's been my home for many years, that has memories of my mum, and that is bigger than i could manage myself at the moment. Am I only tempted because he's so good at talking me round? The main bit of me just wants to have a clean break, live my own life, but I am tempted.

If only there were more signs he was actually going to grow up.

PHN - i don't know. I tI can really understand the wish to stay in your home. Perhaps He COULD live somewhere else for a little while to proove he is serious? TBH I dont think any addicts really change until they accept they have a problem and stop using, ....... dont know where that leaves you though ?

H is ok. i am so so tired of dealing with all this. Its much easier in a lot of ways when I dont see him, but he is the childrens father and I want them to have a relationship with him....

he has offerred to pay for marriage therapy (and for a babysitter) so we can talk about the issues in a neutral place......

GUP I do admire you for being ale to live in the moment, I am full of 'what ifs' etc etc..... Hop e evreything is still ok

bw to al
lst x

Hi

This is your property, why on earth would you want to sign it over to him?. What if he defaults on the mortgage and renages on this whole deal?. The "easier" option is more often the difficult one. The last thing you need frankly is to be more dependant on him (he wants this of you) and you personally need to stop enabling him.

I see more negatives than positives with his offer. There are a lot of conditions attached; him having your house potentially in exchange for him living elsewhere and seeking help for his problems. A high price to pay methinks. Again there are no guarantees he won't mess up this arrangement.

Why can't he just live separately from yourselves and seek help without all this?. Short answer to that is he doesn't want to.

I think he's acting very deviously here; he knows exactly how to get around you doesn't he?. He knows how you feel about this property and how emotionally attached you are to it. At least at present this is your property to do with as you see fit.

I would start thinking seriously about making a clean break for you and your daughter; he has messed you both around often enough in the past. When are you going to actually say to him, "I am not going to be your enabler any longer".

I'd thus tell him to stick his offer where the sun does not shine and ensure you yourself get a fair price for this property. Perhaps ultimately moving out of this house will enable you to further move on emotionally.

Lemonstartree (what a nice name that is!),

He may have started to address his addiction problem but he's certainly nowhere near addressing his abusive behaviour is he?. I feel he is still skirting around the core issues. He needs to continue working on his own problems without you in the picture.

You yourself write its easier without him around. Listen to that voice.

Perhaps you having some counselling on your own will help you. BACP have a list of counsellors, you certainly need to talk with someone impartial.

If you feel that the children should have a relationship with him (and as children they do have a right to know who their father is) then perhaps going down the legal route (rather than informally agreeing access between the two of you) will be helpful. Then if he messes up his chances of seeing them (in that he continuously makes excuses and doesn't bother to turn up) you can then say to your children that you gave him a fair chance. They need to make up their own minds about him.

Attila, at the moment, the house has to be shared by me and my 2 sisters, so if I sell it, then I will have to use the money to live on, especially if i go with my plan of university next year.

If we buy the house, it would be in my name, and if he doesn't sort his addiction and can't pay the mortgage, I would have some spare cash to pay mortgage til i could sell the house anyway. He'd have to live elsewhere.

I would be financially dependent on him, but I could stay at home with dd for a bit longer, and then when I've done the uni course, hopefully I'll get a teaching job, and can then be independent more easily. I don't know. It's whirling round my head pluses and minuses.

LST - counselling sounds good, I think it's always worth trying, and it doesn't even have to be about trying to get back together, the counsellor at the drug centre told me that Relate do break up counselling to help break up more amicably, so if nothing else, perhaps it would help you maintain an easier relationship for your dcs.

PHN I really really dont think that being financially dependent on a cocaine addict is wise ? sorry to speak plainly but I think you need to reduce your interdependence as much as possible......

Attila thanks you fo ryour advice. I agree that he needs to work on his own issues without me, and that there is clearly a problem with me when i can write that its better without him, and yet be unable to carry that through.......thing is, it is definitely better without him as he was; but am plagued by the thought that maybe he could be different and it might be better with him in the future..... then off course I think I am mad........

lst x

If you are mad then I think we all are lst
Its always the "what if"'s at the back of your mind - what if he means it this time, what if he can change, etc etc.
Princess - I do agree with the others - he knows your patience with him is running out so he will say anything to turn things around at the moment and is using your emotional attachment to your Mum's house to manipulate you.
Think very carefully before you trust him on this - he has let you down so many times and to rely on him financially is a huge step to take with someone so untrustworthy.
I do feel for you, you so want to believe him / trust him, but there's that little voice in your head again! I think you should listen to it in this case.

Princess, I agree with the others, you want to be as independent from him as you can. The what-ifs would only help him, not you really. Good luck!

Hello everyone - well I've been away for 5 days as I've had my mother down to stay and DH has been at his parents for the weekend....he is due back on Wed (he is going on a day trip to France with his parents).

Well there have been some developments here since last posting. DH was getting well wound up and stressed out because my mother was coming (which he has known about for the last 6/52) so I was just waiting for a big blow out to happen - and sure it did the night before she arrived.

He was verbally abusive and when that didn't work he 'deliberately' smashed a treasured glass ornament we had bought on our honeymoon and then ripped up our wedding photo. Now all this I could deal with had we been alone, but it was in front of DD and she was sobbing and trying to make him stop.

I had an Al Anon meeting the first night mother was here ( I had pre warned her that I was still going to go) and since he has been at his parents I have had time to think - though mother has tried to help, it is impossible for her to understand.

I have always said that if he crosses the line then I shall put plan A into action. Yes I still love him but DD has to come first and he is on the pathway to total destruction so I have to protect her from whatever he does next in order to get a reaction. I have taken the step of contacting a solicitor - I have an appt. on the 10th. Who knows, it may be the jolt to send him to rock bottom. But it has to be done.

Life has become intolerable - I didn't quite realise until he left just how intolerable! . I've just told my sponsor who went through the same thing 30+ yrs ago, but that gave her DH the reason to seek sobriety. So who knows? It may work for us, it may not.

PHN - please don't put yourself in the position of being financially dependent on him; that sounds like a very dodgy thing to be doing! Agree with Attila - hard though it may be to sell, you can only move forward from doing that whereas you will be stuck on the merry go round if you don't...

LST - your H can still have a relationship with the DC's (or not, as the case may be...); but you don't need to put yourself in the frame for this to happen. That is another form of manipulation - happy families and all that (!).

ZK, hang on in there - yes it's another months' money, which you'll have to let go, but then that will be it (money that in the earlier days he probably got his paws on for his own use!!)

GUP - yes, enjoy the peace one day at a time. really live for the day and don't let it be marred by what may or may not happen in the future.

Keep strong, everyone.

Just remember that:

'you must not accept any promises, because they will promise anything to get them off the hook. The very nature of the illness prevents promises from being kept, even though they are meant at the time'

SS well done. You are very strong, and you are right. DD does need to be protected and her needs must come before his. Have you told him you will be seeing a solicitor ?

I have had a heartbreaking meeting with my eldest son's headteacher who has supported him through his upset. Ds1 has told him things that he couldnt tell me and it broke my heart to think of what he has been carrying all on his own, anxiety about Daddy driving after smoking the golden pipe, anxiety about Daddy smoking in the park etc etc.......... feel very sad today.

and very angry.

H has said that he will pay for marriage therapy for us ; as I have said that a) there is no way we can ever live together again unless we do this ( Im not saying we can live together if we do, but it is the only chance) and b) I cannot afford to pay for it as I am paying for everything else. He also promised to pay me back the £100 he spent on 1/2 a bottle of wine (FFS £100 of MY money on 1/2 bottle of wine - wanker) but he has not yet done so. Surprise.......

Time apart is good. It helps you understand what is normal and what is not....

lst x

Hi LSCT,

Re your comments:-

"I have had a heartbreaking meeting with my eldest son's headteacher who has supported him through his upset. Ds1 has told him things that he couldnt tell me and it broke my heart to think of what he has been carrying all on his own, anxiety about Daddy driving after smoking the golden pipe, anxiety about Daddy smoking in the park etc etc.......... feel very sad today".

. Am only glad your son found another trustworthy adult to talk to. I would think all your children and confused and unhappy by all this going on around them.

"and very angry". Good. You need to get angry with him. I personally think that you have all been through more than enough already.

"H has said that he will pay for marriage therapy for us ; as I have said that a) there is no way we can ever live together again unless we do this ( Im not saying we can live together if we do, but it is the only chance)"

His way of getting around you methinks, he's using marriage therapy. Is this man seriously going to look at his addictive and abusive behaviours, admit blame and work out for his own self why he did these things - I think not. Words are cheap after all, carrying actions through is quite another.

"and b) I cannot afford to pay for it as I am paying for everything else. He also promised to pay me back the £100 he spent on 1/2 a bottle of wine (FFS £100 of MY money on 1/2 bottle of wine - wanker) but he has not yet done so. Surprise......."

Again more broken promises. Words are cheap.

SS1

Wishing you all the best for the 10th of this month.

Oh gaad am so glad to find you ladies here with similar problems, not that I'd wish them on anyone!

My partner (we have second child due this month, first is DS three years old) had a REAL dope problem to the point where I threatened to throw him out because not only was he financially ruining us with his 300-400 pound a month habit, he was leaving drugs around accidentally so that I had to SCOUR the flat in the morning to check it was toddler-safe.

I said look, if DS gets ill and I have to take him to hospital, I cannot swear that he hasn't found a drug on the floor, and I will have to tell them that, and he might be taken away.

Anyway, the ultimatum did it, and he gave up. We went through months of mood swings and anger bursts, but we did it. My condition to have a second child was that he gave up. So once he had, we conceived. Cue happiness for a few months.

And now what? He's on it again!! What do I do? His moods are fine, because he has access to hash, but if he ever didn't have access it would be another story. Last time he was addicted, it was when we were away on holiday that I would truly see how addicted he was. Because when he couldn't take hash abroad, within days he was showing cold turkey signs of addiction, with all the mood swings that brings. He even smuggled hash into France in his shoes he was so addicted!!

Anyway, thanks for reading this long missive. Pls pls send any advice - do I rope in his parents for a hard talk? (they think he gave up after getting in trouble for it as a student and would be horrified to know he'd started again, they adore their grandson). Do I throw him out? Threaten to not have him at the birth of number two? I love him dearly, but he's addicted as his regression back onto the weed has shown. How can I show tough love when I'm nine months pregnant?! Why is he doing this to himself and us?!

Thank you!

Welcome suzyah - this is a very supportive thread and lots of us are going through/have been through this.

Im so sorry this is happening to you, especially when you are pregnant.

What reasons does he give for using ? is it only hash?( belive me I know how bad this is; my h because physically violent to our dc's as a result of his dope addiction) what does he want ? does he want to be clean, or is he in the 'I'm doing nothing wrong, its you with the problem' stage.?

Personally I think you should give him an ultimatum and stick to it............But I know how very, very hard that is to do, and you may not yet be at YOUR rock bottom .... so at the least I would think a few things through like how you will manage financially (start saving some money secretly if you can) and practically, without him.

I would tell everyone who needs to know - this is NOT your problem and NOTHING for YOU to be ashamed of. You need support at the end of your pregnancy and it dosn't sound like he will be much use....

as to why he is doing thsi ? I dont know Its an illness I think, but one where there are choices. He needs to make choices, and ultimately It will come down to the weed or his family.......... and by the time he makes the choice it may be too late.

sorry to be so bleak but I hate weed, its evil , pernicious and steals all ambition and rational thought.

Good luck, keep posting
lsct x

Hi everyone

Thankyou for your kind thoughts, Attila & LSCT.

LSCT - no, he doesn't know about the 10th.

He rang last night to say goodnight to DD (he is at his parents until ? tomorrow pm)and I asked his mother if he could stay there for 'a bit of a break' - she wanted to know why, so I asked her if he had said anything about the other night.

Of course he hadn't, so I told her then repeated again that he needed a break. Her reply was 'well there is 2 sides to every story' - I told her I wasn't desputing that fact, just that for him to do what he did must mean that he is near breaking point.

She said she would talk to him today about it so I'm expecting fireworks tonight when I ring so DD can say goodnight!! Needless to say, they all sounded like they had been on the sauce (and that was only 6pm).

Welcome, Suzyah! I don't have any experience with drug addiction (my DH is an alcoholic) but it appears that they share a lot of the behaviours....

Personally, I believe that you should talk to people about it - because as LSCT has said, you will need all the support you can get. Not only that, your partner is probably relying on the fact that you are keeping quiet about it, because then that enables him to carry on as before.

My guess is you have almost hit rock bottom without realising it, simply because he has gone back to the drugs just before you are about to give birth. My DH's drinking really spiralled out of control when I was in hospital giving birth. That was when I realised there was a serious problem (found vodka in water bottles, etc). I guess that the reality of the imminent 2nd birth has pushed him back into the drugs so he can cope (perhaps?).

Have either of you had any professional help/tried NA?

hi guys,

hows everyone ? bit of a bump!

lsct x