SUPPORT THREAD FOR THE PARTNERS OF ADDICTS

[lemonstartree]

having read all the posts on princesshobnob's thraet It struck me (prob because I am one of them) how may women are living with addicts/abusive men (does one cause the other etc etc!)

thought maybe we could do with our own support thread.

I have recently kicked out my cannabis head husband. It has been hard, but not as hard as livig with his dope smoking and verbal abuse (to me) and physical abuse of the children.

So much of what other women wrote reasonated with me; the wanting another chance; the lying; the erratic behaviour; the blaming me (you) for their problems; the financial mess; the wanting sex when high - when tbh you hate them and have never wanted it less; the messing with your head until you think its YOU with the problem.

I am a bit further on than some of you - its 2 months since my marriage ended,
but my H says he has now stopped smoking cannabis, he has found a job and starts this week and he is NOW thnking hes 'done enough' to be given a second (read 50TH) chance.
I am expecting trouble whan I make it clear that some thngs cannot be repaired however Sorry you are that they are broken....

There are also the ones who will never be in recovery.

FIL has had acute pancreatitis for years now and superficially seems perfectly happy with being hospitalised 3 times a year, he's 63 and will tell everybody who listens that it?s his life to live as he chooses. His family have resigned themselves to his death.

XP?s reasoning for drinking was initially to get closer to his father until his drinking took a life of its own.

It's insane really, isn't it? Thinking that actually makes sense.

Good God, that pain is horrendous. I was told in no uncertain terms that if I carried on drinking, my acute pancreatitis would become chronic, and I couldn't imagine that. It's basically the pancreatic enzymes leaching out and digesting the spinal cord. I'm so glad I'm out of this insanity.

And yes, you're right, there are two eventual outcomes for the chronic alcoholic: insanity or death. Not much of a choice is it really?

It's been great talking this afternoon, I have to rush out to pick up DS and won't be back before tomorrow. Need to buy a laptop at some stage...

Something funny happened last night, DS was in bed, the washing up done, I was kind of thinking about the thread, rolled my ciggie and poured a glass of wine, made my way to the lean-to to smoke and accidentally let go of the glass so it broke and I didn?t have the wine because it was the last glass left from this weekend. Served me right, I was uncomfortable thinking about the DDA thread and drinking at the same time.

I hope you?re all well, last night wasn?t bad, it?s easy to completely ignore each other when England is playing.

Hi everyone!

Well I was at Al Anon last night; good job, it appears, from today's news and the papers (I'm not a football fan, so I'm pleased with the result, Ha! ). Of course, it was just the excuse DH needed so he is like a bear with a very sore head today and is complaining of a bad back so he has gone off to the Osteo's....and I have about 45 mins of PEACE!

Because he has lost his job and is home 24/7, I find it SO hard to try and be laid back & groovy, pleasant company, full of conversation. AAARRGH, I would love to have just 1 day a week where he goes off and does his own thing so I can have some Me time.

I'm in the conservatory making Christmas cards today, and he is coming in and disturbing my peace every 10 minutes. Thank God for Al Anon last night or I would have to go out for my peace & quiet!!

Anyway, rant over. Hope everyone is ok.

Hi. I've not been on here for a few days. I'm keeping my head down lol!
Situation here is the same as ever. Dp sorry, not drinking now.
I told him next time he does it don't bother coming home and as usual he promised he won't etc etc.
BUT Christmas is looming, I'm dreading it - all that booze everywhere!
Anyway. Hope everyone else is OK.

GUP you sound really sad.... I am just waiting for my SIL to come round which will be nice, but I wanted to send yo some Friday evening hugs ((((()))))) hope the weekend is ok for everyone

Hi everyone

Hope you are all well - I have finally managed to arrange with my dp (after a series of agonising texts and mised emails becasue he will not talk to me on the phone) that he will see the dcs tomorrow from 10-6. He has not seen them since 13th October and they have missed him so I am happy for them

I am resisting the urge to text his new g/f and tell her to keep away from our children which would be wrong I know but would make me feel better for ooh at least twenty seconds. I must steel myself for their return when they will talk about her to me innocently.

I don't think ex dp will drink when he's with them. In a way it would really piss me off if he were to sober up and then spend his sobriety with another woman!

GUP i felt like you last Christmas. So much of what you say is so familiar. In a way I am dreading Christmas but That is wone wory that I don't now have, and it feels good.

Lemonst, how are you coping with your dcs? I am completely in awe of how you cope with them and hold down a fulltime job. Is your dh seeing them regularly?

did I say something wrong? {grin]

ZK, how did Saturday go with dp and the dcs? Did they have a nice time? Did his gf spend time with them too? That must be really difficult. Have you met her? Did you say she drinks too? Is he going to start seeing them regularly?

If I finally manage to prise dp out of the door, I think it's so important to maintain regular contact if possible, but I'm imagining that he's going to let her down unless he pulls himself together.

Dp's just taken dd out to his mum's, so I have a rstful day hopefully. Or could try and talk over some stuff with dp when he gets back.
He obviously did it again Friday night - I feel he has missed his true calling of novelist - the creativity of his lies is impressive! I don't think that he's realised yet that i always know these days. But I guess it's nice for him to exercise his imagination! So funnily enough he wasn't up to taking dd ou to the dad's group he's been going to the last few weeks. He said he could take her to the park instead - he slept most of the rest of the day.

Anyway, hope everyone's having a lovely sunny day

Hi princess hn

Contact went well in that the dcs had a noce time with him and saw him which is what I have been pressing for for four months.

He dropped them off at the door (an hour early) without even looking at me. I gritted my teeth and was civil and said hello but he completely blanked me, as he has for four months. It makes me so sad and angry for the dcs that he should treat me like that in fromt of them.

He is in complete denial - he blames me for the breakdown of our relationship and his position now just seems to pretend act as though I don't exist.

They did not spend the day with the girlfriend which /i am pleased about. I had emailed him and said that although I was not keen on them spending time with her it would be ok provided they did not ram their relationship down their throats as I have to deal with the ensuing questionsir. He repied saying that he would not trweat her with the contempt that I have, and would not allow me to offload my responsibilities onto her lol

It was alweays impossible to argue with him when he was with me and still less now that he will not talk to me so I try to just let it all wash over me and focus and letting the kids see him as long as they are happy.

I doon't know if the g/f is a drinker but she was in his house with a load of rough-looking men at 3.30pm one day and there were an awful lot of cans around being drunk. If she's not drinking then she if she thinks that's ok then I'm not keen. She's also the lead singer in a band which plays in pubs regularly so it doesn't look good.

On a brighter note I refer to the band as "the strolling Bones" which makes me feel ridiculously happy

I think that I may drop Relate and start with Alanon instead - Realte hs been very helpful bu I can't afford both in terms of babysitters and time. I still feel that his drinking effects us in that his logic is so warped and he is so difficult to deal with.

Phn, I know what you mean about the lies and not believing them. I think that this is where I lost all respect for exdp and once I had lost respect I just couldn't keep trying with him. First he lied and I believed him. then he lied and I didn't and eventually we both knew that he was lying but he carried on anyway. It was so miserable.

sorry about typos

Just saw that I had load of typos too - I never proofread my stuff, far too slapdash!

Well, I'm glad the dcs got to see their dad. My theory is that until the addict accepts their problem truly, and seeks some kind of help, they do hold everyone around them responsible for all the problems. Because if they acknowledged their own part, they would have to admit that their drug taking / drinking is an issue, and if they aren't ready to do that, then they have to act like we are the issue instead. Does that make sense?

Just had squabble with dp, but normal stuff for a change. We met, had breakfast out, then he came home, and instead of washing up, or putting anything on to wash, or tidying the room that is in chaos after his drug taking (he pushes everything he can against the door cos he's paranoid, on top of his general slovenliness), watched a film and fell asleep. I did some of his xmas shopping for him, came home, woke him up, then suddenly he's rushing around cos has a badminton match to get to, and it's all my fault he can't find his stuff, and he was running late, thought he'd have to get taxi - I was so irritated that he's wasting money, just plain lazy / selfish / only thinks of himself that I said I wasn't going to watch him - now I'm apparently totally unsupportive.

Anyone would think he'd een born a prince, the way he thinks everything will just happen magically for him. I'm a sahm, but at the weekends, I think he should pull his weight, and it drives me mad that he cannot put his dishes in the sink, or even in the kitchen if he takes them elsewhere, cannot put rubbish in a bin, etc etc.

Aaaaah, so frustrating. But hey! Makes a cnahge from moaning about drugs - it's good to be able to extend my repertoire!

Right, now got all that off my chest, feel a tinsy bit better.

Hi Princess Hobnob

You write a lot of sense particularly with regards to your paragraph re addicts but this comment of yours made me say "WHY?":-

"I did some of his xmas shopping for him"

You play a role too. Why do you continue to enable this man?. You like it or not enable him to continue his behaviour, you sound like you're following on from his Mother (who likely also did everything for him).

Enabling him will mean that he will never have to deal with all this. Hard as it is to do and I am on the outside looking in here you need to get angry with him and stop enabling.

He is also not fit to be called a partner, let alone a dp.

Attila, I know.
I did the shopping because he doesn't have ready access to money because although he keeps telling me he's fine, he also tells me to hide his bank book
also i like shopping tbh!

I also know he's no dp, it's just for ease of typing, believe me
also know I'm enabling. And that he treats me like his mum (but less nice to me)

Can't wait to be rid of all this, but I'm working my way towards it at the moment slower than I'd like.
I will do it though

Must go, need to collect dd from granny

I hope you do escape him for good because from your writings you come across as an intelligent yougn woman.

All this chaos, this is no relationship at all is it?.

What do you think would happen if you were to completely stop enabling him?.

Princesshobnob

All women like shopping!.

But stop enabling him!. You are just carrying on where his Mother left off. She is likely happy to be rid of him as some other poor sap namely you now has to put up with him.

What legal advice have you sought to get him out of the property?. You need to mean business and act otherwise he will continue to take you for a ride as he knows how to mantipulate you to the letter. He could give a masterclass in manipulation.

You and your daughter are worth so much more than him. You I think know that.

hello everybody. sorry ive been missing for a few days. i had a funny weekend. dh has been staying over most nights now he is sober (so far so good) but on friday he turned up at 7.30 so ds was ready for bath and bed and he just completely wound me up by announcing that he had brought his dog back as his parents were away. sounds very petty but i hate that dog - big huge animal which craps all over the garden, chews the fence and you cant take for a walk on a lead as its the size of a donkey. i managed to get his parents to collect it a few weeks ago as my dad was sick and tired of exercising and cleaning up after it. (dh has not bothered with it for some time obvioulsy as vodka became higher priority). i know its probably silly but i had a surge of dont come back here bossing me about and just telling me the dog is back. when i told him he should of asked me first it descended into its my house too and my dog lives here pettiness. aagh.

all was better for rest of the weekend but today we had an offer 5k less than asking price for the house. we agreed to knock it back and they came back with another 2.5k. he told the estate agents no without consulting me at all. i was mad to say the least and he really shouted at me, saying he was only following the estate agents advice. when i called her it was clear that wasnt true and she suggested we ask for 1k more as opposed to risk losing them (first time buyers etc). i spoke to him and was told we would talk about it later. i spoke to my mum and dad who both thought he was being a fool (given house has been on market for months with no interest) and isnt in too great shape. anyway i called the estate agents and in the end the buyers have agreed 1.5k less than asking price.

i'm dreading tonight as i'm sure its all going to kick off. do you think i was unreasonable. before i would have always thought he knew bestbut now i wont be bullied or let him call the shots. maybe i just dont respect him enough anymore to listen to his point of view.

Hello all, I had another awful weekend. I was a lot harder to ignore him as I have a cold and was a bit feverish.

DS is reacting to the tension by wanting to be in my arms constantly (my back is aching!) unless it's just a mummy phase . DS just pushes him away when he wants to get near smelling of booze.

I'm sleeping badly, though I seem to be coping well during the day, I'm having horrible nightmares, where I have to rescue DS from a terrible situations... Someone snapped at work and I nearly started crying (hello, how professional?!).

I've counted the units consummed over the week and added up to 150, utter madness.

On the plus side, the property market has had a bit of a downside locally so there will be slightly more money for me and DS!

Sorry ML, I didn't refresh my page

He's the one not showing respect, he didn't consult you on two very important matters.

Don't get yourself bullied, you're strong!

ML at least you're not arguing about drink which has to be a positive thing.

You have been more than reasonable - i hope you can stick to your guns

hiya, thanks for your encouragement. i dont want to be petty but i do feel he has the tendency to bully and i just wont put up with it anymore. he thinks i expect him to be on his knees forever apologising for what he has done. i really dont but i dont think he has the right to call ALL the shots anymore - he was in charge of the money and look what happened. it also makes me mad that its me paying for everything - mortgage council tax etc. anything he is earning goes into keeping his business going. so it might be easy for him to risk the house sale but its me keeping us afloat if they go elsewhere. ok, rant over!!!

wdwgfh - sounds like you are having a rough time of it. one thing sounds good though - your little boy sounds like a sweetheart. i hope he feels better soon. mine is very free with the loves and kisses too!!

princess - how unsupportive of you not to watch badminton!!! - lol

Sorry I haven't been about for the last couple of days.

Wdwgfh - lots of (((((hugs))))) - please stop torturing yourself by getting involved with how much he drinks. Because whatever you manage to tot up, guaranteed it will be a lot more. Same as checking for bottles. You have to start learning to detach from his behaviour, start having a life yourself, and the only way to do that successfully is to try Al Anon. ZK, strongly suggest Al Anon will be more beneficial than relate for the same reasons.

Princess - how on earth does he manage to play badminton?? My DP used to play golf - had a handicap in single figures once upon a time but he hasn't played for 3 years now - what a waste!!

My weekend wasn't too bad in that he started to talk a bit, but he had been on the sauce so how much of it he cares to remember will be another issue. Suffice to say, he is being v. loving/trying to cuddle up all the time. I am trying not to push him away, but the trouble is I feel smothered!!

My mum is coming to stay on Wed. for 5 days - DP has said that he is off to his parents for the weekend. He was quite put out that I didn't persuade him not to go! .

Hope you are all keeping well.