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Original poster

Who's the breadwinner?

163 replies

BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 09/12/2020 17:52

Looking purely at the financial aspect of a relationship, in terms of bringing money in every month, who's the main breadwinner, the higher earner in your relationship? And if it's the other party, is that because you are raising your children?

Flame me all you want. I'm wondering so I asked.

OP posts:
OneTitWonder · 10/12/2020 06:11

I earn twice what my DH does. We both work full-time in professional roles, his is just traditionally a very lowly-paid profession and mine pays very well. We each did a year at home with our child - I did 0-1 years old, he did 1-2 years old.

As per PP, all money is family money.

And we split household chores, parenting etc 50/50.

bjjgirl · 10/12/2020 06:21

Dp earns in excess of 100k (banker), I am a police officer so earn far far less, 40k but a lot of that goes in pension (I come out with 2k a month

Ex dp (father of kids) is on 2-7k more than e but is 10 years older

bjjgirl · 10/12/2020 06:23

Oh and dp and I spilt the cleaning etc and he actually does most through the week in dog care due to working from home (and not working as may hours )

Eng123 · 10/12/2020 06:51

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

"I also found that when I earn more than my OH it can be an issue. For them because they feel society expects them to be the higher earner in the relationship, for me because they can't afford to do the stuff I like to do at times. So I end up paying for us both, which I don't mind, unless it becomes an expectation. Then I mind. Very much"

So it's ok when someone else earns more and pays for you but not ok if you earn more and pay for them?
Luckily we earn about the same, however it all goes into one pot so it doesn't mater who brings in what. So long as income outstrips expenditure... bliss!

BluebellCockleshell123 · 10/12/2020 09:46

Our incomes have changed over the years - we used to earn roughly the same, then I went freelance for a few years and earned twice as much as him, then we had kids and I earned nothing for a while and then about half as much as him while I was part time.

For the past few years DH has earned about double what I have, but my job is full time and very secure whereas he is a freelance consultant.

We have always fully shared finances & I never found it an issue when I earned more - he was delighted!

EveryThingWillBeWorthIt · 10/12/2020 10:42

He is by £40k per annum, no children.

Shmithecat2 · 10/12/2020 10:52

I don't work now (SAHM), but DH has always been the main breadwinner. He was earning approx 5 times what I was when we first got together, and is now earning approx 18 times what I was. Moving abroad for work raised his salary massively, and I became a trailing spouse, then a SAHM. Back in the UK now, (DH is still abroad) DS is now in school full time and I'd give my right arm for a job, but it's not exactly the perfect time to find one! I'll see what happens next year.

RantyAnty · 10/12/2020 12:03

Late DH earned a lot more than I did. I was young and just starting my career. He was a little older and owned several businesses.

STBXH I probably earn 10x what he does. It went into one pot. Turns out he was pretty resentful and jealous. I never made him feel bad about his work. I thought he was proud of me. I was wrong.

Original poster
BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 10/12/2020 13:58

@eng123 So it's ok when someone else earns more and pays for you but not ok if you earn more and pay for them? Where did I say that? I'd never expect anyone to pay my share. I expect us both to pay 50/50.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 10/12/2020 14:10

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother.

I completely disagree with your statement:

It's good when things 'switch' regularly I think. Neither party feels 'guilty' and both appreciate what the other does.

What is good, is when a couple doesn’t need a regular switch to not have any issues at all. My take home is 4x that of my husband. Neither of us care in the slightest.

Veronika13 · 10/12/2020 21:50

I will never be the breadwinner as DP is worth millions of £££ but what I’ll always ensure is that I continue to have a well paid job as I do now, in case things go tits up. I also shout things here and there (prob too much given the disparity of our earnings).

macshoto · 10/12/2020 22:20

At 30 when we met (now) DW and I earned the substantially the same. She followed me/my job across the world, we married, and some years later when we came back to the UK we moved somewhere quite rural. No children, but as a result my earnings are up 6/7-fold and hers are essentially zero.

Not something she's found easy - her job was a lot of her self-identity - but for us as a couple, nearly 20 years later, it has worked out OK. Obviously it's all shared money, these days.

Honeypickle · 10/12/2020 22:32

I earn triple what my DH does; plus I work 3 days a week, he is currently working 6 days a week. I run the house but he does all the cooking. We split all our money 50/50 but I have separate savings accounts. We are very happy with how it all works!

MsAwesomeDragon · 10/12/2020 22:36

I'm the breadwinner here. I have been so the time we've been together. I earn around £15k more than him. He works pt (4 days), I work ft term time.

RandomUsernameHere · 10/12/2020 22:51

DH is the higher earner, by a multiple of more than 10.
I work part-time and flexibly though.
To answer the question in the OP, the difference is partly down to me bringing up our DC and partly because he has greater earning potential.
It works for us, we both contribute equally to our family. All finances and assets are completely shared.

RoyaleMum · 10/12/2020 22:56

Neither really

I earn 44-48depending on bonus and he earns 46-48 on average so very simmilar

There have been times when i was the higher earner and vice versa eg when i had dc and went pt for a year but caught up again now dc is at school

All money goes in one pot and we share it all but we have done that even when i was on 10k and he was on 40k

tinselfest · 10/12/2020 23:01

At the moment, I am. DH is now semi-retired. When the dc were young I was a sahm so he was the sole breadwinner for a number of years.

All money is shared, and always has been, regardless of who earned it.

Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone · 10/12/2020 23:15

I earn between 5-6x my partner depending on share price. That can at times be far from ideal especially if the partner isn't ambitious or looks to earn more. I mitigate it by stuffing 40k of it into my pension so it never becomes family money and the rest I keep in a stocks and shares isa illiquid so it cannot be accessed. It does make marriage difficult especially since we don't intend to have kids because one side has so much to loose if the marriage goes wrong. Already there are work ethic issues as despite me earning the money I am reticent to spend it as I come from a poorer family so do a lot of DIY around the house, partner is less keen to help.

Sally665 · 10/12/2020 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Veronika13 · 10/12/2020 23:48

I’m also so surprised to see how many women out earn their partners!
Don’t have an opinion on it, just taken aback 😀

pinbinpin · 10/12/2020 23:51

good to see though. I think stereotypes and assumptions hang about far longer in society than actual reality and it's good to see the range of circumstances beginning to show through (and that women aren't still the de facto lower earners!)

StrawberryTot · 11/12/2020 00:32

I’m not sure by the term breadwinner in the ops context. Both my DH and I earn, as a single mother to 2 prior to getting together I provided perfectly well. It was a slog but I got to the point where we did okay. So even if I earn less I would still see myself as a breadwinner.

Now we are married in monetary terms I earn far less, DH is on 4x as much and I continue to work full time.

Duties around the house are shared but not set in stone. DH is by far the better cook, so he often makes the food for the family and I will happily tidy the kitchen. School/ Issues with my DC (DH step children) are usually dealt by DH as I am unable to be contacted at work as easily as him. Laundry is mine, I hate people touching my washing, and housework is usually shared around all of us including the DC.

We work well as a team, but I won’t deny it has taken some time to get to this point.

DougRossIsTheBoss · 11/12/2020 00:51

I am main breadwinner
Probably earn about 2x DH

The deal is that because he has more flexibility with his work (self employed) he deals with any children's illness, inset days etc and does most drop off/ pick up.

I wouldn't necessarily say he was the main child carer though. When they were small I worked part time and he didn't as I was able to negotiate PT hours. I think I unfortunately still do more of the housework and life admin.

Occasionally I have thought that if we split I would be mightily pissed off if I had to pay him maintenance or compensate him for earning less as I do not believe he has been held back by child rearing any more then I have. He just happens to have a less well paid job.

We're not going to split up though so it's academic. I just don't think it's analogous to situations where the woman gave up her career for childcare.

Lightsontbut · 11/12/2020 00:59

My take home pay is 2X my OH. All our money is joint. We are married.

OfTheNight · 11/12/2020 03:53

DP by about £16K. But this is entirely because, when we got together, I was in a position to leave the more lucrative and pressured side of our industry (the side DP works in and wages are higher) and move to s’more niche area with better work-life balance. I do have a DS but I didn’t do it for that reason, more for my MH. Had I stayed in my old job the pay gap would have been more like £3-4K. I earned at least £10-15k more than ExH and he hated it.