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Original poster

Who's the breadwinner?

163 replies

BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 09/12/2020 17:52

Looking purely at the financial aspect of a relationship, in terms of bringing money in every month, who's the main breadwinner, the higher earner in your relationship? And if it's the other party, is that because you are raising your children?

Flame me all you want. I'm wondering so I asked.

OP posts:
itbemay1 · 09/12/2020 21:34

It's been swings and roundabouts DH was main earner with triple my salary when DC were small, then I was main earner with around 20k more per year, for a while we were similar and now I earn 3 x DH salary. Suits us fine, we've both had times of earning less to study etc

pinbinpin · 09/12/2020 21:36

We both work in IT and for 20 odd years earned pretty much the same. I had 3 children and took 10/11m maternity leave with each (paid for 6/9m) and aside from that we have always both worked full time and pretty much share childcare. In fact in the last year or so, my career has really accelerated, his has stayed the same and I now earn approaching double. Because of this and with home working he now does more of the childcare as I work long hours and he does most of the cooking.

ArrowsOfMistletoe · 09/12/2020 21:42

When we started out together it was me, the last few years it was honours even but his take home was more because he was taxed less (US national working in the US system).

I wasn't bothered either way, but he was - he hated his job but wouldn't consider going part time (though we could have afforded it comfortably) because he had to be the breadwinner. Even though we both were.

Yes, we had issues. It didn't end well. Now I'm single and definitely the only breadwinner.

TripNeeded · 09/12/2020 21:44

I earn about 25k more than DP. Our kids are all 16+

HipHipHooray7 · 09/12/2020 21:46

Neither of us are the 'bread winner' so to speak as we could both afford to bring home the bacon on either of our salaries but I earn about £30k more than my DH. We don't have any children yet but they are in our short- medium term plan. I will be interest to see/ I am a bit nervous to see the impact this will have on my career prospects and salary progression as have sadly seen lots of amazing women being left on the sidelines after DC, I work in a very male dominated industry. Thankfully, my DH works for a very forward thinking company who offer fantastic paternity leave and flexible working arrangements- which should help.

anothernc4you · 09/12/2020 21:48

I earn between £13-£15k more than my DH. We do just get it paid into the same account whether it’s salary or bonuses so both ends up split.

BiddyPop · 09/12/2020 21:49

DH because he's private sector.

In fairness, he fully supported me going back at the end of statutory mat leave when dd was 5 months old, and doing a masters starting when dd was 10 months old.

And while I tend to do most of the routine appointments etc, he has been fully involved when she had childhood illnesses etc, as we both juggled diaries and workloads (he often had more flexibility due to my horrible boss at the time being a prick about giving any flexibility when it was needed despite me giving plenty to stay late or work from home into he night when needed).

anothernc4you · 09/12/2020 21:50

We have one child and one on the way but I will return to work FT at the end of my next mat leave. I like our lifestyle and to keep it means both working.

TillyTopper · 09/12/2020 22:08

I (f) earn about double what DP does, gap of about 60k. We don't really think about it - we put money into a family pot for mortgage, food, etc and then have our own money. I tend to have more disposable income (as earn more obv) so I tend to choose holidays and pay more into them as I really love my luxury breaks. I spoil the kids (2 DS late teens) too sometimes.

Girlonit · 09/12/2020 22:12

I earn around 10k less now, when we first had Dc1 it was quite a bigger difference but I got a promotion after Dc2 which pays more and Dp's income reduced as he's working less hours. Also Dp is self employed so he doesn't get sick pay, holiday pay, etc so we both feel it evens out and we're quite equal now.
We also both agree that earning more isn't the most important thing and we're both happier with things now they're more equal.

letsmakethetea · 09/12/2020 22:15

It was the same when we met but now I earn about 10k more due to promotion. We both work hard but I'm more ambitious. It's never been an issue for either of us (I wouldn't be attracted to someone who had a problem with my earning level!).

Wond3rment · 09/12/2020 22:39

I earn about 80k more than DH, we have the same childcare and household responsibilities. The money earned is our money. I have always earned more.

user89 · 09/12/2020 22:40

I earn 4/5 of our household income, so that would be me

user89 · 09/12/2020 22:43

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

I also found that when I earn more than my OH it can be an issue. For them because they feel society expects them to be the higher earner in the relationship, for me because they can't afford to do the stuff I like to do at times. So I end up paying for us both, which I don't mind, unless it becomes an expectation. Then I mind. Very much.
The 'for them' but is down to them being a bit knobby, I have out-earned my partners since I was 23 and only two of them (both alpha male knobheads) had an issue with it-which frankly was their problem

The 'for me' part, well yes obviously, but no-one blinks an eye if a higher paying man pays for more in a relationship

Frlrlrubert · 09/12/2020 22:45

DH earns more, by about 10k. He has to work really hard at times for it though. I retrained and went into teaching when DD was one, so my salary has only just got back to where I would have been in my previous career. Neither of us make megabucks, but we could probably eke out a living on either wage for a while.

I probably take slightly more of the 'mental load' due to reliably being home at a reasonable time and always at weekends, but I'd say he does his fair share when he's home.

When we met I lived on my own and he was retraining himself, so I was the higher earner until DD came along.

My previous career had got to the point of dead-men's-shoes though, so I probably wouldn't be earning any more now if I'd stayed, but would have been working weekends and evenings, which would have made family life a bit tricky, and possibly limited DH's (greater earning potential in the long term) career progression/bonus opportunities.

bouncydog · 09/12/2020 22:57

Always significantly more, but DH does things we would have to pay for e.g. building works etc so IMHO equal. Over 40 years funds have always been family money so it’s never mattered as everything goes into one pot.

NotPrude · 09/12/2020 23:15

DH earns double what I earn, but that's because he's more qualified than me. We're both professionals in the exact same sector, so at some point he'll reach the ceiling earnings wise and I'll catch up in around 7-10 years.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 09/12/2020 23:36

DH, up until we had DS he was by £6k. Now it's more than 50% more as I work 3 days a week.
We agreed when we started trying that we wanted our DCs to go to nursery 1 day a week and be looked after by grandparents 2 days a week (both mums made it very clear they wanted have ds at least once a week when mat leave ended) we looked into both dropping down to 4 days a week, so we could have a day each with ds, but his company couldn't allow it at the time, (conversation started when lockdown started) so I have taken a 2 day decrease until its possible for him to work 4 days, they have said it will be reviewed next April.
I'm lucky I work for a company that is extremely supportive of parents, the business owner is a single mum and set it up to suit her family needs, so has always tried to accommodate the team.

PlanDeRaccordement · 09/12/2020 23:39

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother
“I also found that when I earn more than my OH it can be an issue. For them because they feel society expects them to be the higher earner in the relationship, for me because they can't afford to do the stuff I like to do at times. So I end up paying for us both, which I don't mind, unless it becomes an expectation. Then I mind. Very much.”

Well since we pooled our income to be all joint money, it never mattered to me that I was bringing home 75% of the money so that realistically, I was paying for most things. But it is true how society still views men as the provider. For example, whenever we went out to dinner or as a family to an activity or on holiday, my DH would be the one to physically pay the bill or carry the spending money. No one had to know that he’s using a credit card that I got for him on my credit account to pay for everything. To all appearances, it looks like he, as the man, is paying for everything. It was a way for him to save face in public and costs me nothing. I don’t give two shits if random staff and members of the public think I’m a kept woman or a trophy wife. The stigma for that is still far less than being seen and judged as a kept man/boy toy with a sugar mamma.

user1471519931 · 10/12/2020 00:37

I earn FAR more than DP and work part-time so can spend time with the kids. Also carry the mental load. He does his own laundry and cards/presents for his family. He is good with the kids but had a tendency to sit on the couch too much.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/12/2020 00:39

I earned now before kids, now he earns more as I don't work

trixiebelden77 · 10/12/2020 01:32

I earn a lot more. We work in the same field but in different roles.

We have everything joint though.

Oh - and we both raise our child. Earning the money to support a child is just as important as providing the hands-on care, and both are responsibilities we share as parents.

SingingInTheShithouse · 10/12/2020 01:34

We've done it all ways over the years but about equal at the moment

I was the higher earner by far in the early days & for DDs first year.
I gave up work for some years due to ill health & he became the breadwinner. But as above, now about equal

vodkaredbullgirl · 10/12/2020 01:36

Just me( single parent) my daughter starts a new job in the new year.

aboutbloodytime123 · 10/12/2020 06:06

I was with exH and it did not go well, not least when I discovered he was gambling. DP now earns a little more than me but I have a little side hustle that sometimes generates extra and puts me ahead. We keep most of our finances separate. He still insists on paying when we are out though!