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Original poster

DP terrible relationship with parents - would it bother you?

152 replies

Mila659 · 08/12/2020 20:32

I have a very close relationship with my parents and siblings, so I find it quite hard to understand how bad DP’s is with his.

Objectively, they have always supported him, never had a lot but did their best etc. They are totally different in pretty much every possible way - outlook, education, career, even where they live. They are nice people and I have no problem with them.

However, DP is just utterly uninterested and dismissive to the point of being rude. He never speaks to them. Ignores texts and calls and forgets to reply. He regularly forgets to buy birthday presents/cards. He would never phone them just to chat. Does not enjoy spending time with them. I find I sort things out card wise as I like sending cards but I draw the line at presents - I send my own to his parents as if I left it to him they wouldn’t get anything on time and I’d feel embarrassed. As it stands, they end up having more contact with me than with DP.

After 5 years of being together I have fallen into the role of the messenger and they give up trying to contact DP as he never texts back - they go straight to me. This annoys me more and more.

To clarify - DP is good at buying presents for me and even for my family. It’s like he has a block against his own family and is horribly resentful, even actively dislikes them.

I am not aware of any horrible events or trauma in his childhood - nothing that would have triggered this.

As bad as it sounds I almost feel it would be easier for him to go NC with them - there wouldn’t be the expectation, if he dislikes them so much why keep up the pretence and cause so much tension. We live in London and see them probably twice a year as they live the other side of the country. There’s always a row when we go.

I suppose my questions are - and sorry for the length:

  • is this a worrying sign, that DP has such contempt for his parents?
  • should I even be bothered, or just stay out of it?
  • is there anything i should do?

Thanks for reading if you have!! Smile

OP posts:
Duffmcstockings · 08/12/2020 20:35

Yes. Look at how a man treats his mum, that is how he will treat you one day

SirVixofVixHall · 08/12/2020 20:35

Has he never given any reason ? Is he ashamed of them in some way ?

justanotherneighinparadise · 08/12/2020 20:35

Does it come down to money do you think? You give the impression you are both high earners and his family are considerably less well off. If it is because of that then yes that would bother me a lot.

Original poster
Mila659 · 08/12/2020 20:36

@Duffmcstockings

Yes. Look at how a man treats his mum, that is how he will treat you one day
This is what i worry about and I’ve actually said this to him before. Is it really a red flag?
OP posts:
Original poster
Mila659 · 08/12/2020 20:38

@justanotherneighinparadise

Does it come down to money do you think? You give the impression you are both high earners and his family are considerably less well off. If it is because of that then yes that would bother me a lot.
We are considerably better off yes but I don’t know why that would mean their relationship is so terrible. I feel caught in the middle as his mother seems terribly upset by his lack of interest but there’s nothing I can do about it. They just don’t really get on.

His father is quite bitter and often makes comments about money which I think riles DP but that shouldn’t be a reason to be so dismissive. Or maybe it is.

OP posts:
Hostile17 · 08/12/2020 20:38

My ex was the same with his mum. He cheated on me with prostitutes. I think it said something about his attitude towards women.

limpolo · 08/12/2020 20:38

Why does he dislike them though? Have you asked? Seems odd to be with someone for five years and not know the answer to this.

Aerial2020 · 08/12/2020 20:38

Stay out of it.
There must be a reason, he may not want to tell you.
If you don't want to be the messenger them tell him. Families are complicated and just because you have a good relationship with your parents, doesn't mean everyone does.
If you don't like it then distance so you don't get involved.

Original poster
Mila659 · 08/12/2020 20:39

@SirVixofVixHall

Has he never given any reason ? Is he ashamed of them in some way ?
He’s made comments before about how they were a nightmare when he was younger etc but has never gone into detail. I think relationship with father is particularly poor.

If I’m honest I think his father probably is half proud and half bitter about DP’s success and it shows.

Maybe there’s more to it than I think/see.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 08/12/2020 20:40

There will be more to it.

Original poster
Mila659 · 08/12/2020 20:40

@Hostile17

My ex was the same with his mum. He cheated on me with prostitutes. I think it said something about his attitude towards women.
Argh Sad but it’s both parents - not just his mother?
OP posts:
LingyLou · 08/12/2020 20:40

Definite red flag. My exDH eventually treated me with the same contempt he treats his parents. It all changed after DC. Run OP.

Original poster
Mila659 · 08/12/2020 20:40

@Aerial2020

Stay out of it. There must be a reason, he may not want to tell you. If you don't want to be the messenger them tell him. Families are complicated and just because you have a good relationship with your parents, doesn't mean everyone does. If you don't like it then distance so you don't get involved.
He doesn’t expect me to be messenger and he apologises for it.
OP posts:
Original poster
Mila659 · 08/12/2020 20:41

@LingyLou

Definite red flag. My exDH eventually treated me with the same contempt he treats his parents. It all changed after DC. Run OP.
Really? Did he treat them in a similar way to how I have described? What happened when you had DC? Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
Mila659 · 08/12/2020 20:42

@limpolo

Why does he dislike them though? Have you asked? Seems odd to be with someone for five years and not know the answer to this.
He finds them irritating, difficult etc. I think they’d be a lot less difficult if he humoured them and played dutiful son!
OP posts:
Fruggalo · 08/12/2020 20:43

My BIL is like this... much of what you have written could have been by his wife. My PILs are generous and treat their children scrupulously evenly but he is very mean with them back. I do wonder how how she tolerates it (and him).

LingyLou · 08/12/2020 20:48

He just acts like his whole family are beneath him and is the same with being rude and dismissive and not keeping in touch. Pre DC I was like a friend and could do no wrong, post DC when I was tired and boring I was moved into the family category and could do no right.

DeRigueurMortis · 08/12/2020 20:48

I think it's a red flag insofar your DP hasn't properly explained why he behaves this way.

Does he have any siblings? If so what is his relationship with them like and in turn theirs with their parents?

There may well be good reason for his behaviour wrt his upbringing, but without him explaining then I'd say it's also likely that this is a reflection on how he treats people he no longer values.

If your relationship is going anywhere then I'd suggest he needs to trust you enough to discuss the issues.

If he can't/won't then either way that's not a good sign for the future.

It's hard enough for you now to walk this tightrope - imagine how it would be with children and trying to navigate a child/grandparent relationship without understanding the gulf between them and your DP.

Original poster
Mila659 · 08/12/2020 20:52

@DeRigueurMortis

I think it's a red flag insofar your DP hasn't properly explained why he behaves this way.

Does he have any siblings? If so what is his relationship with them like and in turn theirs with their parents?

There may well be good reason for his behaviour wrt his upbringing, but without him explaining then I'd say it's also likely that this is a reflection on how he treats people he no longer values.

If your relationship is going anywhere then I'd suggest he needs to trust you enough to discuss the issues.

If he can't/won't then either way that's not a good sign for the future.

It's hard enough for you now to walk this tightrope - imagine how it would be with children and trying to navigate a child/grandparent relationship without understanding the gulf between them and your DP.

Interestingly he has a sibling who hasn’t left the home town so sees the parents very regularly - DP and sibling do not get on at all and never have. DP convinced sibling gets favourable treatment but I think it is just proximity.

For two adults in their late 20s/early 30s it seems very childish but there you go and I know families can be strange.

OP posts:
JacobReesMogadishu · 08/12/2020 20:52

So he’s alluded to a difficult childhood and you have noticed that his df is bitter and makes snide comments. Maybe that sort of thing gets to him more than it does you? I would find it difficult to want to spend time with someone I found draining and negative.

For what it’s worth I had a very poor relationship with my mother. My childhood wasn’t great, to be honest from both parents. It was led by my mother but my dad was weak and wouldn’t stand up to her. I haven’t told dh 95% of what went on but it’s stuff which I found hard to forget never mind forgive. Physical and emotional abuse.

When I was an adult my parents separated and I had a better relationship with my dad. I always though found my mum very difficult to spend time with. The constant low level criticism and sniping. I think if you haven’t had a childhood of this sort of thing it’s hard to realise how much it can continue to affect you as an adult. Dh says that I’m very defensive and I think he’s right.

My relationship deteriorated with my mum, to the extent I went NC with her for the last 6 years of her life. My brother was also NC with her. Does your dp have any siblings and if so how do they get on with their parents.

Dh has a similar relationship with his mum that you describe. I just think he’s a bit uninterested in maintaining a relationship due to distance which is sad. He never rings her, ok on Xmas day and that’s it. I nagged him to ring her more through lockdown which he did. But blimey she had a heart attack 2 years ago and he didn’t tell me and I found out by accident and I had to nag him to go and see her. But generally I stay out of it. He gets on with her ok as far as I ca tell when we do see her.

Shoxfordian · 08/12/2020 20:53

I don't understand why you're involving yourself at all. They're his family, let him decide how much he wants to interact, what presents he wants to buy if any, if he wants to send cards. Leave him to it

jessstan1 · 08/12/2020 20:53

Is your partner rather snobbish in his attitude to his parents, perhaps finds them embarrassing? It's not nice but it happens.

Other than that all I can think is something happened when he was growing up about which he bears some resentment towards them. He says it was a 'nightmare' growing up with them but if he elaborated, you may have a better idea of what it is all about.

Unless you can get to the bottom of this, it will always be a problem and that is worrying for you.

Original poster
Mila659 · 08/12/2020 20:55

@LingyLou

He just acts like his whole family are beneath him and is the same with being rude and dismissive and not keeping in touch. Pre DC I was like a friend and could do no wrong, post DC when I was tired and boring I was moved into the family category and could do no right.
That’s awful. I rather naively would hope that wouldn’t be the case as I’m so different to the family, am very focused on my own career and life but I know that could be totally ignorant and things change. It’s an angle I haven’t really thought of before. Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
Mila659 · 08/12/2020 20:56

@Shoxfordian

I don't understand why you're involving yourself at all. They're his family, let him decide how much he wants to interact, what presents he wants to buy if any, if he wants to send cards. Leave him to it
I wish I could - I think I just feel a lot for people and I feel sad on their behalf even though it might be unfounded.

They also contact me constantly and make me feel bad about it ‘DP never speaks to us’ as if it is my problem to solve. I don’t know how I ended up here!

OP posts:
Elbels · 08/12/2020 20:59

My boyfriend is similar with his parents. I used to really push for him to have a better relationship with them as I'm so close to mine.

However over time I've realised that actually they were pretty shit parents to him and his sibling. They weren't abusive but I'm still pretty shocked by some of the things I've heard. His sibling is currently unpacking a lot through therapy so we know it's not just my partner's view.

Mine adores my parents and is really close to them. That's important to me. I'm just sad he doesn't have the same relationship with his own parents, but he doesn't owe them that.