DP terrible relationship with parents - would it bother you?

[Mila659]

I have a very close relationship with my parents and siblings, so I find it quite hard to understand how bad DP’s is with his.

Objectively, they have always supported him, never had a lot but did their best etc. They are totally different in pretty much every possible way - outlook, education, career, even where they live. They are nice people and I have no problem with them.

However, DP is just utterly uninterested and dismissive to the point of being rude. He never speaks to them. Ignores texts and calls and forgets to reply. He regularly forgets to buy birthday presents/cards. He would never phone them just to chat. Does not enjoy spending time with them. I find I sort things out card wise as I like sending cards but I draw the line at presents - I send my own to his parents as if I left it to him they wouldn’t get anything on time and I’d feel embarrassed. As it stands, they end up having more contact with me than with DP.

After 5 years of being together I have fallen into the role of the messenger and they give up trying to contact DP as he never texts back - they go straight to me. This annoys me more and more.

To clarify - DP is good at buying presents for me and even for my family. It’s like he has a block against his own family and is horribly resentful, even actively dislikes them.

I am not aware of any horrible events or trauma in his childhood - nothing that would have triggered this.

As bad as it sounds I almost feel it would be easier for him to go NC with them - there wouldn’t be the expectation, if he dislikes them so much why keep up the pretence and cause so much tension. We live in London and see them probably twice a year as they live the other side of the country. There’s always a row when we go.

I suppose my questions are - and sorry for the length:

• is this a worrying sign, that DP has such contempt for his parents?
• should I even be bothered, or just stay out of it?
• is there anything i should do?

Thanks for reading if you have!!

He finds them irritating, difficult etc. I think they’d be a lot less difficult if he humoured them and played dutiful son!

Not really sure why anyone should have to play at being anything , dutiful son included . You say he finds it difficult to express himself , there maybe things you don’t know about . Let him live his life how he wants without questioning his relationships with his family , it’s his business

I kind of feel a lack of respect for my parents because they back up each others blindspots. Blindspots that protect them from their shame or their feelings but the maintenance of these blindspots was at the expense of my sense of self. They told me who I was. They were only ever happy with me if I went along with their narrative. But that is very diificult to articulate before you've started looking in to family dynamics and parenting and ego defences. I dont think i could have articulated what the problem was ten years ago.

I knew they were summonsing me to be in the role of daughter but denying me connection, but i couldnt have said beyond that why the relationship was so bad for me because they were happy with the superficial relationship.

Argh playing dutiful son is a terrible idea.

Ask him what hed really like to say to them.

I had an unhappy childhood and was never close to my parents as an adult. I was dutiful with expect to birthdays and Christmas but saw them less often than your DP sees his. I don’t think anyone meeting them would find them unpleasant, but they were certainly at the root of my unhappy childhood, although I won’t go into details. What I really wanted to say, is that I would be very saddened if somebody, particularly somebody that had a happy family life, would think less of me or would think it is a “worrying sign” because I did not have a good relationship with my parents.

*with respect (not expect)

To me behaviour like your partners indicates one of two possibilities, neurological divergence on his part ASPD or something or that nature or a dysfunctional family in which the parents are where the responsibility lies.

All families have their dysfunction but dysfunctional families are where the basics of good human relationships are not fostered. So physical, sexual, mental and emotional abuse exist. Particularly emotional abuse hides away making it so difficult to spot and recognise especially when it is all you have every known and the very fact you’ve experienced suggests lends to you not having developed the emotional intelligence to recognise it. I would suggest that if it is emotional abuse then he needs to deal with it because it gets passed on from generation to generation as what people recognise as parenting.

Please try and support your DH on this. My mother was thought to be this wonderful person by everyone who knew her. Only my brother and I know the truth of what life was like when we were children.

My 50 year old DD recently gave me a book called “Mum tell me”. It is an opportunity to tell your life story for future generations. It took me a year before I could begin, and then another year to write it. I gave it to her with a warning that she might find it upsetting.

It is a mistake to think that, if there is no physical or sexual violence , there is no abuse. I know people have this view of forgiving your parents, but it is not possible for most of us.

There is a long thread on here, which I found a life saver. It is called “but we took you to stately homes’. Please read it and it will help you understand your DH. Just one word of advice if I may. please do not ask him to talk to you about his childhood. It will most likely be too painful for him and it is unlikely that anyone from a happy home can ever understand.

I am so glad that recent posters are encouraging you to support your husband and to stop being the messenger. After all, it is his family and he has the right to engage with them as much or as little as he likes. And probably for good reason.

the only thing I worried about was you saying that he isn't very good at discussing his emotions at the best of times. This is something that needs to be addressed if you are thinking of having him as a long term partner and possible father to any children.

best of luck.

You came from a nice and importantly too, an emotionally healthy, family. Not all families are like that sadly and some of them are actively abusive and remain so towards their now adult children. This unhealthy dynamic within his family of origin started long before you and he met; this further got going in his sibling's and his childhood. Am I surprised that he and his (seemingly more favoured) sibling do not get on, not a bit of it.

Your partner may well have not wanted to open up to you more because of your own relationship with his parents. His parents probably "like" you because you are useful to them, you can be manipulated by them and in turn give them supply. They could well have used you here further to send their "errant son" a message; we get on well with your partner so it shows us further in a good light. Its your sole fault that you do not talk to us, we can talk to her and we can use her further to get back at you!. Toxic people like his parents really take no responsibility for their actions nor apologise for same. People from dysfunctional families too end up playing roles; your partner's role here seems to be one of scapegoat whilst his sibling remains more favoured (because he is need of more "help"; it is a role in itself not without price either).

A rule of thumb is that if the parents are too toxic/difficult or otherwise batshit to deal with, its the SAME deal for the children too. If you were to have children by your partner too would he want them to see his parents?. Would you take your child to see them without he being there?.

I would suggest you try and slowly find out more about his childhood and life at home as well as pointing him in the direction of websites such as Out of the FOG and reading books about dysfunctional families like "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. You certainly need to inform yourself more about this subject (read Toxic Inlaws by the same author as a starting point) and work on your boundaries more re his parents. Its not a red flag for him not to want to speak to his parents. I think he is hurting very much and is torn inwardly.

If he does further clam up to you about his childhood do not push it but encourage him instead to do his own reading around the subject. Show him your full support here.

Read too the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages and see if your partner would be willing to read Toxic Parents.

I do not at all think you have acted here re him with any intended hurt at all but the road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions and you really do need to pull back from his parents.

In contrast to many posters I would say contempt is fine! It shows he’s in touch with his anger which is really important not to suppress. To confront a family is incredibly fraught, socially, emotionally, psychologically. So what are you left with? Your feelings of resentment. Great. It’s ok to feel resentful. It might be a step on the journey to greater self awareness. It can take people literally decades to come to terms with this. Let him know whatever he feels is fine, because that’s how he feels!

And not your place to dig or probe or help him resolve it. It’s his journey. Just accept him for where he is without judgement. It is SUCH a hard place to be.

Let me tell you about my DH...He is much the same as yours OP He is a kind and decent and lovely man who works really hard and has given us a lovely life,however is he on the autistic spectrum and has a few mental health issues that means he can only concentrate on the present. I thought his approach to his parents was way off like yuor partner,he had no relationship with them,never thought to even call them to see if they were ok,no birthday cards no presents no nothing,so when we met I jumped in presuming something needed fixing! He never even mentioned them in day to day life, This led to a lot of questioning from me and him saying its ok its fine there is nothing wrong,just leave it.I didnt listen..I decided I was going to be responsible for getting us all close,I took on the birthday cards for then,the presents the contact and it wore me down after years and years of doing this.My resons were sound and I believe as I had such a lovely open close relationship with my parents he should be the same.But he is not the same as me and neither are his parents! I interfered and drove myself bananas.There was nothing wrong really there wasnt.Due to his issues he can only concentrate on what is infront of him,so say he is at work then work is all encompassing,he would never think to ring us or talk about us in any way,If he is home then he is all us and he doesnt have the capacity to think about anything other than here and now if you see what I mean? If he is with his parents maybe once or twice a year he focuses on them but day to day they dont enter his mind cos they are not here in front of him.They knew he had issues from being a child and left him to it,maybe there wasnt such a thing as educational support or help with conditions such as his back then I dont know.His view of the world is way different than say yours or mine.I didnt know any of this back then either and thought I had to step in and save the relationship and bring us all closer cos that was my normal.Its not his normal! I used to say ring your mum tell her this or that,,he never did,I did and it made not one iota of difference,From them or him.They were used to him and his ways I had no clue,hence me driving myself insane trying to fix things that I thought was broke.I dont do it anymore,they were never really interested in me and our kids anyway,maybe they thought I was stupid and interfering too?Life is better now I play to his rules regarding them.They know they are always welcome here and if they ever do come I really look after them but its never truly comfortable.I know we are welcome there but same thing,I kind of feel when we turn up we are more than a hinderance! Its like there are all these compartments in my dhs life and each of us fit into a box and as long as we keep to our boxes all is well!!! So we get our time as a family,work gets him and anything else gets whatever they get when he chooses! Its strange, I would say if any of this ramble makes sense just follow your parners lead,Be led by their actions and go with it.I know now it was so not my job to try to engage and pester and make him do what he wasnt emotionally capable of , They,his parents accepted it and they leave him alone and he leaves them alone til he figures its their time and they pop up in his head and he acts on it, I was trying to force the issues hopefully for the right reasons but it wasnt right for them or him. I wasted so much time and energy and made myself take on all of it for nothing really. Step back be led by your other halfs wishes and go from their.If you two are fine then there are no red flags.Its personalities thats all. Like I said earlier epically weird!!!!!!!!! But I love him dearly and wouldnt swap him for the world neither would our children and thats the most important thing.We are all very happy,settled and content and thats a good place to be.I know I cant fix him or everything else and finally after many many years I am ok with that and at peace with it all....Dont be me back then trying and trying its not your place to do it. Live your life with what you have an d be happy. As I once heard ..it is what it is....

This would be a red flag for me.
You say he said they were a nightmare, but why? Has he never given a reason? This could easily be one of my siblings/my parents. My dad will often comment about money to sibling because my parents never had any whereas my sibling is now incredibly successful in career and has lots of money and a different outlook on life. It makes my parents feel insecure, judged, as though they are not enough. Equally, sibling has grown older becoming snobbish about money, lifestyle, and looks down on the life my parents tried their best to provide when we were growing up. Their relationship is poor because of this.
Unless there is some sort of abuse or mistreatment it sounds to me as though he has changed his life and doesn't value them. He also sounds jealous of his sibling's relationship with their parents. Perhaps they are negative because they are sad at how he is with them and don't know how to break the cycle?
I think it's nice that you formed a connection with them yourself. I believe if you marry someone you take their family as your own (seems to be a rare opinion on this site!) so it's good that you do have a better relationship with them. If you decide to have children they would also value this connection with grandparents.
His contempt for his parents would really concern me. First, that one day he might treat you as he treats them, second that one day he might treat any children as he treats them, or third, that if there's a history of abuse that he hasn't processed it and it will one day catch up with him.
I would continue being their point of contact and encourage him to open up, address his feelings.

Going back to my earlier posts, three more reasons why he might not have gone into detail yet:

• not wanting to burden others - a lot of people have gone through difficult things which they don't talk about and many people think that no one wants to hear of someone else's problems
• toxic shame
• not being objectively clear in his head about what it was, abusive or not.

I generally agree with @joeyandpacey's posts, though you need to consider whether it is "contempt" or boundaries.

However one other aspect to all this is that most people who are abusive, are abusive because of unresolved trauma from their own past. It is a sliding scale, the degree of trauma, the degree of self awareness, the extent to which someone has dealt with their own trauma and also the degree of self control and desire not to hurt others... so I do think potentially that someone who has unresolved trauma can be a danger to others - but it doesn't mean that someone who doesn't want to talk about it has unresolved trauma - and, OP, over five years you would have had clues about this.

The two adults i have come across who I think are abusive dangerous to others both have significant childhood trauma, which is unresolved, which does not excuse their behaviour to others now. Other adults I know have experienced significant trauma and treat others well but have firm boundaries in place with the people who abused them.

My revised advice overnight is to chat things through with someone who will have some professional knowledge of all this. You could give Relate a call and pay for a session and see if they can give you some insights.

If you go through all your posts and pull out specific comments quite a negative picture forms of this family - build both from your more distanced observations and feelings and from the few, but v revealing, defensive and emotionally charged words from your DP.

On top of that there are the ACTIONS - big face to face rows each time your DP goes home (what are these about? - is there a pattern? Is alcohol involved) as well as your DP refusal to engage in between.

More telling is car crash life of the sibling - this isn’t a coincidence alongside the polarised affection for each of their children.

This is a dysfunctional toxic family.

Your DP has worked his way out of it but returns twice a year through FOG (fear obligation and guilt). You have also been groomed and manipulated here as a flying monkey and you are now feeling the tension personally from the parents (because you can’t deliver what they want) and from your DP because he is unable to understand and articulate his own needs and boundaries to you or them.

PP up thread who said that the emotional abuse/neglect he experienced as a child has unsurprisingly left him with a deficit of emotional intelligence such that he is unable to see, express or assert maturely his stance is spot on. There is no blame or shame in this - he is half way there in that he has put in distance and minimal contact.

The next chapter for him is explore this abuse and neglect and work with a therapist to back fill the emotional deficits and heal from this - otherwise as others have said this will show up in times of stress with you, in parenting etc This deficit just deepens with age.

He needs to know that his experience as a child was unacceptable and will have left him with poor emotional skills and coping strategies.

How does he manage conflict and confrontation in your relationship - does he withdraw? How do you manage conflict - do you look to soothe, smooth it over and people please?

As PP have said validate his feelings, don’t minimise them, encourage him to read up on toxic families (and you could do the same) and encourage him to seek professional help to address the flaws, gaps and deficits they have left by their inadequate and toxic parenting to ensure he develops the full range of emotional skills essential for a warm functional longterm partnership and parenting.

Many of us who have had inadequate / abusive / neglectful parents - in time -recognise that even if we strive to be the opposite of our parents we are ill equipped and have the wrong tools - and need that we to go through an emotional rebuilding process to fill the gaps and fix the flaws.

It’s a real relief on the other side.

@Joeyandpacey, contempt is not a healthy expression of anger and tends to be a learned reaction. If this is a way he expresses anger then it could be directed at the op.

[quote Techway]@Joeyandpacey, contempt is not a healthy expression of anger and tends to be a learned reaction. If this is a way he expresses anger then it could be directed at the op.[/quote]
No, it’s a healthy step on the journey to expressing anger IMO. Very very few people are good at it. Feeling the feelings is a great first step. Suppressing it is emotional suicide.

@Aprilx

I had an unhappy childhood and was never close to my parents as an adult. I was dutiful with expect to birthdays and Christmas but saw them less often than your DP sees his. I don’t think anyone meeting them would find them unpleasant, but they were certainly at the root of my unhappy childhood, although I won’t go into details. What I really wanted to say, is that I would be very saddened if somebody, particularly somebody that had a happy family life, would think less of me or would think it is a “worrying sign” because I did not have a good relationship with my parents.

@Aprilx

Do you think it would be OK for a partner to ask you why though? That’s more what’s I’m suggesting, because contempt and disdain for other people are such toxic emotions, IYSWIM.

As a partner, I’d want to understand whether my DP felt that way about a lot of people ( which would be worrying, IMO) or whether they had a reason(s) for feeling that way about their family.

My Dad is a difficult person so we don’t always get on. My DH understands why after witnessing years of his behavior! But I don’t despise him or look down on him. He’d have to do something really awful for that to happen.

I am not close to my family. I can't really think of a time in my adult life that I've called my mum 'just because' and I have no relationship with anyone else in my family. I'm a perfectly nice person, but I'm just not close to my family (dh is very different, has a large family, close to them). Not everyone has an easy relationship with their family. Mine wasn't that way for any obvious reason. It's only been in recent years that it's become clear why our relationship is like that (mum is quite dysfunctional, but hides it well, everyone thinks she's lovely and was the best mum, she wasn't really). That's okay. It doesn't say anything bad about me, other than I'm not a pushover who puts up with other people's dysfunction just to keep the peace and please everyone (I am definitely not this sort of person).

But I would think it was weird (and offensive) if dh went behind my back to talk with her, send cards, organise things with her, etc. when I had no interest and was actively avoiding her (we are completely NC now). No, it's fine if someone isn't close to their family, but I think you need to separate yourself out and perhaps let it lie without getting too invested. It's okay to not overcompensate and it's okay to let the relationship be what it is (which may not be great).

@AmICrazyorWhat2

I have always been fairly open about my childhood with my DH and reasonably open with past partners too, so none have ever needed to ask me. But to your question, yes I think it would be reasonable for a partner to ask and in my case I would take the opportunity to talk, that is a personality trait in me I guess though.

One thing I would say though, is that my DH would not have (past tense as my parents are deceased now) stepped in as a middle man and nor would my parents have tried to put him in that position. We both manage our own relationships with our families.

@itcouldbethis. I think it’s completely understandable to have contempt for sexual predators.

My point is that it’s less understandable to have contempt for your parents- there must be a reason. As a partner, I think it’s OK to ask why my DP feels this way. Don’t you?

@AmICrazyorWhat2

Just to add, when I said I would be saddened if somebody thought less of me for not having a good relationship with my parents, I was more thinking of friends or people in general than a spouse / partner as I would be less open with these people.

@itcouldbethis Sorry, just saw your first response to me. If my partner told me that they’d had those horrific experiences then yes, I’d understand their contempt.

But the OP doesn’t know why her DP feels this way and has been put in the “piggy in the middle” position between his parents and her DP.

I suppose what I’m saying is that contempt/disdain are strong, toxic feelings and if someone feels them towards many people, that would concern me; feeling them towards people who’ve abused and hurt them, totally understandable.

There are plenty of stories of narcissistic and snobbish behavior on MN. Narcs tend to feel superior towards other people and treat them with disdain. I’d want to know that my partner wasn’t like that, IYSWIM. It doesn’t sound as if the OP’s partner is, so there’s a back story with his family.