DP terrible relationship with parents - would it bother you?

[Mila659]

I have a very close relationship with my parents and siblings, so I find it quite hard to understand how bad DP’s is with his.

Objectively, they have always supported him, never had a lot but did their best etc. They are totally different in pretty much every possible way - outlook, education, career, even where they live. They are nice people and I have no problem with them.

However, DP is just utterly uninterested and dismissive to the point of being rude. He never speaks to them. Ignores texts and calls and forgets to reply. He regularly forgets to buy birthday presents/cards. He would never phone them just to chat. Does not enjoy spending time with them. I find I sort things out card wise as I like sending cards but I draw the line at presents - I send my own to his parents as if I left it to him they wouldn’t get anything on time and I’d feel embarrassed. As it stands, they end up having more contact with me than with DP.

After 5 years of being together I have fallen into the role of the messenger and they give up trying to contact DP as he never texts back - they go straight to me. This annoys me more and more.

To clarify - DP is good at buying presents for me and even for my family. It’s like he has a block against his own family and is horribly resentful, even actively dislikes them.

I am not aware of any horrible events or trauma in his childhood - nothing that would have triggered this.

As bad as it sounds I almost feel it would be easier for him to go NC with them - there wouldn’t be the expectation, if he dislikes them so much why keep up the pretence and cause so much tension. We live in London and see them probably twice a year as they live the other side of the country. There’s always a row when we go.

I suppose my questions are - and sorry for the length:

• is this a worrying sign, that DP has such contempt for his parents?
• should I even be bothered, or just stay out of it?
• is there anything i should do?

Thanks for reading if you have!!

I don't understand why you're involving yourself at all. They're his family, let him decide how much he wants to interact, what presents he wants to buy if any, if he wants to send cards. Leave him to it

Really mind your own business. you say they aren't very involved so how do you know to what extent this happened during his childhood.
I really can't stand people like you, who had a great childhood and then cannot wrap their small minds around the idea that not everybody had the same!!
I had a very bad childhood and it took me such a long time to tell my dh what happened, so give your dh the respect and don't over play your role.
he probably can't even tell you what's the reason because you already are so pushy about what you think he should be doing according to your standards. Have a think about that.

I am no contact with my parents now for good. I fully expect to never see them again. I would hate to think i'd be judged for it and that it would somehow be seen to be a reflection on me!
It's bad enough to go through life without good supportive parents and to have to go through a lot of stuff alone...but to be then judged for it on top of that by people who don't get it because they have good relationships with their parents? It's awful!

He’s made comments before about how they were a nightmare when he was younger etc but has never gone into detail. I think relationship with father is particularly poor.

Maybe you should believe him?

He finds them irritating, difficult etc. I think they’d be a lot less difficult if he humoured them and played dutiful son!

Why should he play at dutiful son if he finds them difficult and irritating?

I would say both the DF and DM are very very negative people and can be draining. Maybe after a lifetime of it, it is too much. The DF comments annoy me on DP’s behalf but he is always very nice to me.

They sound awful and you should support your DF.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 My point is that it’s less understandable to have contempt for your parents- there must be a reason. As a partner, I think it’s OK to ask why my DP feels this way. Don’t you? I think that what many posters here have been trying to explain is that the chances are there are going to be very good reasons for people having negative feelings about their parents. Many, many children suffer severe abuse during childhood - statistically something like 50 percent of people suffer ACEs during childhood. Much of this is not because the parent sets out to be abusive but because the parent themselves have unresolved trauma - but did not take responsibility and instead blamed the child. So you need to be aware of this as a backdrop when considering whether someone's behaviour is reasonable.

As to whether it is reasonable to ask your partner about it - I personally wouldn't have a relationship with someone who was not able to explain - ie "I feel x because of y" because I would want that level of emotional maturity in my relationships so yes I would want to be able to ask my partner. But I am nearly middle aged and so that is my expectation of a middle aged person and I think it takes a long time for people to work through things, to understand and put in context things that happened to them. So if and when you want to question someone you also need a bit of emotional maturity and awareness of why people behave as they do and sensitivity about how they may feel and how difficult it may be for them to talk about things.

Does that answer your question?

I completely emphasise with you OP. My partner also is similar with his family and at first I thought he was being difficult and unreasonable. But I've now been with him over 10 years and can see that whilst both sides have had arguments and issues ultimately his parents favour his sibling and years of little comments have hurt him. They don't realise this at all and they feel hurt he doesn't make an effort with them anymore but what they don't realise is when he does make an effort, he only hears about his sibling life etc.

His stepfather also makes comments that are quite frankly rude to us but if we ever brought it up. The rest of the family would turn against us as they don't see what we see or think we are trying to pick an argument deliberately as my DH used to act out as a teenager alot in response to his emotions - they think he just likes to be difficult.

For example when talking about a popular beach place I visited as a child, his mum responded saying oh yes we took xxx (sibling name) when was a baby. I actually pulled her up this and said oh not xxx and xxxx? (my DH and other sibling). She then said oh no they were there. It sounds small but I can imagine years of feeling forgotten, left out, not prioritised wound my DH down. He actually had had therapy and more came out after each session how much it got to him emotionally.

Its even more obvious now we have a child and they absolutely love their grandchild I'm not denying that. But they only see him when it suits their plans around his sibling and other grandchild. He is very worried our child will grow up noticing his grandparents spend more time with his cousin and talk about his cousin all the time. Weve said we will cross that path when it comes to it.

Its a shame because they are lovely people, also feel hurt by what has happened yet we couldn't sit down and explain how they've made DH feel without it turning into a massive row and us being excluded and blamed for making his mum feel bad. That is usually what happens whenever we do challenge on something we feel is unfair between us and his sibling.

All I can say is sometimes its lots of little things that build up emotionally and your DH finds it easier to withdraw than keep facing it.

I suppose what I’m saying is that contempt/disdain are strong, toxic feelings and if someone feels them towards many people, that would concern me

True but OP says her DP doesn't feel like that towards anyone else.

Contempt doesn't exist without context. If someone feels it frequently, especially towards people they feel they're "above" in some way - massive red flag. But there are legitimate reasons to feel that way about specific people for the way they've acted.

can't you see how pushy you are. you say he has asked you countless times not to be a messenger but yet you do. No wonder he can't give you a reason or open up- you are not a safe space to open up to.
just stay out of it like he is asking you to.

@Aprilx. Thanks for replying. I appreciate that you wouldn’t want friends and others to know details of your family life- I wouldn’t either.

Personally I think that a long term partner is different and I would explain more, especially if they were in the OP’s awkward position. M DH had an idyllic upbringing so I had to explain some issues with my Dad to him ( plus what he’s witnessed since). It’s helpful to understand when you’re a long-term partner...or you end up confused like the OP.

It may be that he doesn't actually know how to explain it. Upbringings aren't binary with idyllic at one end and awful emotional/physical abuse at the other. There can be a lot of guilt and confusion around dealing with parents who have been toxic/negative in lower-key, more chronic ways - thinking that it wasn't as bad as some of the horrific things you read about, maybe it was your own fault as well.

Gosh I’d find it so so rude if my bf/gf took it upon themselves to ‘fix’ my relationship with my family! Surprised he’s put up with it all tbh.

Just because your family are close etc doesn’t mean he has to be if he doesn’t want to. Not everyone has to be like you!

I've been NC with my parents for 7 years, I will never see them again.

I have great relationships with my husband, children, friends, in-laws, colleagues, neighbours etc. I'm a nice person, a good person as much as anyone is and I am kind to others.

Not loving your parents doesn't make you some sort of monster. I have very good reasons in my situation but don't especially need or want to rehash them so few people know the details.

I don't think it's fair to judge him for how this one relationship works, when his others are all fine. There is likely a lot you don't know and you should probably keep well out of it (not facilitate them contacting him and being a messenger when he has asked you not to be).

@itcouldbethis. Fair enough, we seem to be in agreement that we’d want to understand the reasoning if our partners felt this way about their parents. I hope the OP and her DP can have a conversation about it at some point, as it sounds uncomfortable at the moment with the twice-yearly visits, rows and pressure from his parents.

I think it also depends on how things have translated into the adult relationship. Where parents handle things badly and are aware years later of not having done a great job, and will be able to talk to their adult child about it and apologise and explain things and make amends then it is quite possible that trust and a relationship can be built. But where the parent has not been able to do that and continues to blame their behaviour on their child or other people, where can the adult child go with that other than as far away as possible?

It may be that he doesn't actually know how to explain it. Upbringings aren't binary with idyllic at one end and awful emotional/physical abuse at the other. There can be a lot of guilt and confusion around dealing with parents who have been toxic/negative in lower-key, more chronic ways - thinking that it wasn't as bad as some of the horrific things you read about, maybe it was your own fault as well.

Completely agree with this post!
I always knew my parents weren't good parents and my relationship with them was very strained and that they had caused me a lot of difficulties. I found it uncomfortable to be around them and was irritated by them and so on...but it was only when I had my last relationship with an emotionally abusive guy who was a gaslighter and a stonewaller that I really realised just how bad my parents had been. They were gaslighters and stonewallers too so it was pretty much a re-run of my childhood. All of my childhood trauma came back. It took that experience for me to really me able to explain it properly.

I felt guilt also when times were strained before because that is what people often do feel when their parents have made them feel worthless or unimportant. It is common to feel guilt for setting boundaries or for possibly upsetting them by reacting to their behaviour.

I have now gone fully no contact and now no longer feel any guilt and feel so free because of it. It is upsetting to think I could be judged by people in future because of it, especially those who have close relationships with their families. They should count themselves lucky that they have those close loving relationships because they don't know what it's like to not have them!

I agree that the relationship probably can’t be “fixed” and it’s certainly not the OP’s place to try and do that!

Tread carefully. My upbringing was dire but everyone who knows my parents at a superficial level thinks they are marvellous. My sibling has not yet managed to cut the apron strings and buys into their narrative. I have not gone NC but have gradually distanced myself so I do what duty demands and otherwise keep myself to myself to preserve my sanity.

I could have written similar to your post about my DH who also had a very dysfunctional upbringing. We have our baggage and scars but at least we understand what it is like to deal with and can support one another. Even so, I find it very difficult indeed to share what my issues are, so he knows I have them but not much in the way of detail. My parents always went big on never divulging family information so it has been ingrained in me for years and discussing it is almost impossible for me even now (in my 50s).

I highly doubt all the blame lies on his shoulders. In fact I suspect very little does, but I was nowhere near seeing anything clearly in my 30s.

Definitely back off and don't act as messenger. My parents have tried to make friends with my friends and have tried to pal it up with previous boyfriends. I immediately drop the person concerned when that happens.

We have our baggage and scars but at least we understand what it is like to deal with and can support one another.

That’s the key really, the OP doesn’t understand what’s going on as she has no experience of this. I hope they can have a conversation about it at some point.

Some people, more often than not men, are simply not into families.

They see their immediate partner and children as family, and that is it. It might be hard for some people to accept but that has been my experience. No beatings or abuse, just a kind of indifference once they are adults and are busy with their own lives.

Either way, I don't think you should be messenger anymore. Tell your MIL that she needs to speak with dp directly from now on, and tell dp you will no longer pass messages, as he has asked. Let them work it out or not, as the case may be.

If he has friends he is close to, other people in his life and good relations with your family I would say it is less of a red flag, he may simply not get on with his own family. It is more common than you think.

I wouldn't keep highlighting the fact you are close, and he isn't and go on too much, if there are reasons for the distance you will only make it more painful for him.

I’d leave him to it to be honest.

When they phone tell them I’ll pass that on.

There’s usually a reason of NC or LC and your ILs sound draining big time.

My husband knows I was the scapegoat and brother golden child
He then seen it up close as he thought I was in the wrong and that was an eye opener for him. I went LC as LC as I could up to her death
My brother won’t have a thing said wrong about her of course and tried to do me out of my inheritance which caused a right row. So I’m NC with him and it’s so bloody peaceful.

then it came out he’d had the same from his parents they resented him because he’d better himself and they complained a lot of being skint and he should help them out and where most put out when he refused at last as they never paid anything back. That was my fault and we went NC with then right up to his fathers death. Then he went LC with his mother. I never spoke her again though as she was a gaslighting cow and tried it right up to her death. One other son went LC too because of manipulation.

One day he’ll tell you what actually happened in his childhood one day or you’ll see it all for yourself and have your eyes opened.

So he's respectful to your parents and he's popular with colleagues and friends

But

His parents (father in particular) seem jealous that he's doing well for himself, they aren't overly happy that he moved away and didn't go back, they favour his sibling, he said they were difficult growing up and they try and guilt you.

Yeah, I wouldn't be seeing red flags here, rather he's right about them and would rather keep a distance. Just because we are related to peope, doesn't mean we are obliged to have a close relationship.

I think he has given you quite a lot of information about his family.

I can't imagine why you have involved yourself.

I certainly can't understand how you think them trying to guilt you about THEIR son is a healthy thing.

You aren't married but are together 5 years.
I think it woukd be a good idea to have a frank conversation with him and then back away from being involved with them if he would rather not be involved.
I think it's important to respect his choices.

If it was purely a case of he was ashamed of them but they had done the best they could for him, I would be seriously unimpressed with him and yes it would change how I would feel about him.

Context is everything.

@user1481840227 I agree with you, about how something in your adult life can make you realise how bad it was. For me a significant thing was my dc getting to age 6 or so and me realising how differently I dealt with them, both in relation to discipline and also how much more time I spent doing fun things and taking them to things and learning about the world. I sat down and wrote about what my experiences had been as a child to get my head round it so that I didn't carry the baggage and realised how feckin' awful it had been.

When I was in my early twenties, a lovely bf from university had come to visit in the holidays. I hadn't told him about my parents, because I didn't want him to know, I didn't want to appear vulnerable, I didn't want to burden him. I had walked into the kitchen on one day, my bf had stayed in the hall outside to wait for me as we were on our way out, my mother didn't see him and she had started to lay in to me verbally. I was used to it, didn't say much, eventually got away. My bf was standing with his mouth open, pale, staring at me. He had heard it and couldn't believe it as the face she showed when he was there was so different. We went out and I explained what it was like, that I was used to it, and he said he had never, ever heard a mother talk to their child like that before. He really was genuinely shocked.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 I agree that it would be ideal if they could have that conversation, but they are both in their twenties/thirties and as people have said, it can take longer to be able to explain it well, if this is what the problem is. I suggested upthread that the OP chats to Relate to see if they could provide some advice/insight about what was going on and the best thing to deal with it.

@Mila659 -
He finds them irritating, difficult etc. I think they’d be a lot less difficult if he humoured them and played dutiful son!

Given this lne of thinking, and your subsequent posts, I reckon you should butt out and let him have the relationship with his parents that he wants. Do you think perhaps his parents are nice to you because you're the conduit to him? If you were to stop that, you may see a different side of them.

DP has a difficult relationship with his mum, she also tries to involve me eg she called me today because he hadn't answered an email ie he's busy at work. I try not to get involved as frankly I think it infantilises him.

It took me a couple of years to work out what was going on as I think at that stage DP hadn't really worked out why the relationship was difficult. She is very judgemental of DP and his siblings, especially if they weren't following the path she wanted for them eg the 'right' job or place to live. She also plays them off against each other and has done since they were kids. But it's often very subtle and can be easy to miss.

I let myself be led by him, if he wants to visit and wants me to come too I do, but I don't have separate contact or suggest anything. If she calls I offer limited info about him in case it's used against him and suggest she calls him directly

My ex was always dismissive of both his parents, but especially his mother. After we had a baby he was so horrible to me! I left when the little one was just turned three as it got so awful.