DP terrible relationship with parents - would it bother you?

[Mila659]

I have a very close relationship with my parents and siblings, so I find it quite hard to understand how bad DP’s is with his.

Objectively, they have always supported him, never had a lot but did their best etc. They are totally different in pretty much every possible way - outlook, education, career, even where they live. They are nice people and I have no problem with them.

However, DP is just utterly uninterested and dismissive to the point of being rude. He never speaks to them. Ignores texts and calls and forgets to reply. He regularly forgets to buy birthday presents/cards. He would never phone them just to chat. Does not enjoy spending time with them. I find I sort things out card wise as I like sending cards but I draw the line at presents - I send my own to his parents as if I left it to him they wouldn’t get anything on time and I’d feel embarrassed. As it stands, they end up having more contact with me than with DP.

After 5 years of being together I have fallen into the role of the messenger and they give up trying to contact DP as he never texts back - they go straight to me. This annoys me more and more.

To clarify - DP is good at buying presents for me and even for my family. It’s like he has a block against his own family and is horribly resentful, even actively dislikes them.

I am not aware of any horrible events or trauma in his childhood - nothing that would have triggered this.

As bad as it sounds I almost feel it would be easier for him to go NC with them - there wouldn’t be the expectation, if he dislikes them so much why keep up the pretence and cause so much tension. We live in London and see them probably twice a year as they live the other side of the country. There’s always a row when we go.

I suppose my questions are - and sorry for the length:

• is this a worrying sign, that DP has such contempt for his parents?
• should I even be bothered, or just stay out of it?
• is there anything i should do?

Thanks for reading if you have!!

@JacobReesMogadishu

So he’s alluded to a difficult childhood and you have noticed that his df is bitter and makes snide comments. Maybe that sort of thing gets to him more than it does you? I would find it difficult to want to spend time with someone I found draining and negative.

For what it’s worth I had a very poor relationship with my mother. My childhood wasn’t great, to be honest from both parents. It was led by my mother but my dad was weak and wouldn’t stand up to her. I haven’t told dh 95% of what went on but it’s stuff which I found hard to forget never mind forgive. Physical and emotional abuse.

When I was an adult my parents separated and I had a better relationship with my dad. I always though found my mum very difficult to spend time with. The constant low level criticism and sniping. I think if you haven’t had a childhood of this sort of thing it’s hard to realise how much it can continue to affect you as an adult. Dh says that I’m very defensive and I think he’s right.

My relationship deteriorated with my mum, to the extent I went NC with her for the last 6 years of her life. My brother was also NC with her. Does your dp have any siblings and if so how do they get on with their parents.

Dh has a similar relationship with his mum that you describe. I just think he’s a bit uninterested in maintaining a relationship due to distance which is sad. He never rings her, ok on Xmas day and that’s it. I nagged him to ring her more through lockdown which he did. But blimey she had a heart attack 2 years ago and he didn’t tell me and I found out by accident and I had to nag him to go and see her. But generally I stay out of it. He gets on with her ok as far as I ca tell when we do see her.

Thanks - this is interesting. His relationship with his sibling is terrible but sibling has needed the parents a lot more due to relationship break downs and being a single parent so inevitably gets more ‘attention’. DP is totally self sufficient from parents really.

I would say both the DF and DM are very very negative people and can be draining. Maybe after a lifetime of it, it is too much. The DF comments annoy me on DP’s behalf but he is always very nice to me.

For years and years - until late 30s - I referred to my parents in the same way as your DH, not saying much, just avoiding. The truth was that I was hit with a kitchen instrument frequently between age 9 and 12, always leaving bruises, that stopped when someone saw the bruises and after that I was slapped, my belongings were ruined, I was extremely emotionally neglected in the sense that I was told I smelt strange, I was unlovable, I had all my clothes chosen for me right down to underwear every day and all of my time was controlled, right up until I left at 16! My sibling gets on fine with them because they were not hit, not neglected, not controlled. I am as low contact with my parents as you possibly can be to avoid drama and they still write "hurt" emails ending "with love".
So, it might be a red flag or it might be that his parents were vile to him! I am not kidding. I didn't even start to process it properly until I was thirty or so, when I started having flashbacks. Up to that point my attitude was "I am not my past" and to block it out. I now talk about it quite openly but it took a lot of time.

@Elbels

My boyfriend is similar with his parents. I used to really push for him to have a better relationship with them as I'm so close to mine.

However over time I've realised that actually they were pretty shit parents to him and his sibling. They weren't abusive but I'm still pretty shocked by some of the things I've heard. His sibling is currently unpacking a lot through therapy so we know it's not just my partner's view.

Mine adores my parents and is really close to them. That's important to me. I'm just sad he doesn't have the same relationship with his own parents, but he doesn't owe them that.

Sounds quite similar. DP is always worried about upsetting my parents and is very respectful of them, seems to enjoy spending time with my family etc, so I don’t think it is a family/parents thing more generally.

@itcouldbethis

For years and years - until late 30s - I referred to my parents in the same way as your DH, not saying much, just avoiding. The truth was that I was hit with a kitchen instrument frequently between age 9 and 12, always leaving bruises, that stopped when someone saw the bruises and after that I was slapped, my belongings were ruined, I was extremely emotionally neglected in the sense that I was told I smelt strange, I was unlovable, I had all my clothes chosen for me right down to underwear every day and all of my time was controlled, right up until I left at 16! My sibling gets on fine with them because they were not hit, not neglected, not controlled. I am as low contact with my parents as you possibly can be to avoid drama and they still write "hurt" emails ending "with love". So, it might be a red flag or it might be that his parents were vile to him! I am not kidding. I didn't even start to process it properly until I was thirty or so, when I started having flashbacks. Up to that point my attitude was "I am not my past" and to block it out. I now talk about it quite openly but it took a lot of time.

Really sorry to hear that. I do wonder if there are deep seated issues we haven’t uncovered. DP is not good at expressing feelings at the best of times.

I would say both the DF and DM are very very negative people and can be draining

Would you put up with this from people who aren’t family? I wouldn’t and I’d struggle to put up with it from family. Maybe your dp just has good boundaries and does what he needs to do to protect himself.

My brothers treated my mum and dad in the most disrespectful and heartbreaking betrayal as adults.
I find it hard to understand how their partners sat back and let it happen (and how they could ever ever trust them) when my parents did nothing but guide and provide every opportunity possible.
They look down on my parents but it’s crazy as my parents were rags to riches, an inspiration (we all reaped the benefits equally); they only have their houses/posh weddings/work ethic because of my parents.
🤷🏽

@JacobReesMogadishu

I would say both the DF and DM are very very negative people and can be draining

Would you put up with this from people who aren’t family? I wouldn’t and I’d struggle to put up with it from family. Maybe your dp just has good boundaries and does what he needs to do to protect himself.

Agree. I fell into the trap of being messenger between my DH and his sister. I just stopped (and told them both it wasn't my job to be their liaison officer) and left them to it.

Result - I'm happier and DH and SIL still drive each other mad. They're just fundamentally different people and if they weren't siblings they would not choose to spend any time with each other.

Does he have good relationships with friends and other family members?

If he does I'd be inclined to think he just doesn't get on with parents and sibling - not everyone does! I'm nc with one of my parents and the other one isAWOL- they are just horrible people!

If he has difficulties with other friend and family relationships then this would be a red flag for me.

Families are incredibly complicated and it’s incredibly hard to face the reality that you maybe been mistreated or neglected, even subtly. It can take years of therapy to figure it out. He probably does not know why, but there will be a reason. I see it as a really clumsy way of trying to keep a distance and have boundaries. I have an extremely difficult relationship with my family, despite them seeming nice to everyone else and luckily DH can understand but not many would’ve done IMO.

There are lots of reasons you have ended up where you are. Probably well meaning.

However while you may form your own relationship with them best not to interfere in his.

Be careful his parents don’t impose any emotions on you with the DP never phones us stuff. Sounds like they never phone him either!
Try to stay entirely neutral - don’t be a conduit for emotion from him to them or the other way.

Fwiw my brother was like your DP and once he had settled down with a family he switched to the opposite.

He is still nasty to me but not to them anymore.

You can’t predict.

So hes suggested he had an unpleasant childhood, one of his parents makes snide comments and seems bitter.

Someone choosing to have a relationship with the person above is the red flag. Not someone choosing to remove toxic people from their lives.

@BiscuitsUnited

Does he have good relationships with friends and other family members?

If he does I'd be inclined to think he just doesn't get on with parents and sibling - not everyone does! I'm nc with one of my parents and the other one isAWOL- they are just horrible people!

If he has difficulties with other friend and family relationships then this would be a red flag for me.

It’s a small family so they don’t really have any other close relatives.

He is popular amongst friends and colleagues.

@BackwardsGoing I think you’re right - I need to step back. DP has told me countless times that I don’t need to be the messenger and he doesn’t want me getting upset about it.

You use the words childish and dutiful son Op when you don't know the history enough.
Someone who has lovely parents saying that only reinforces that protecting himself with boundaries is wrong in some way. Because all parents are lovely or something.
Maybe he is keeping a distance for a good reason. Let him be.

**would say both the DF and DM are very very negative people and can be draining. Maybe after a lifetime of it, it is too much. The DF comments annoy me on DP’s behalf but he is always very nice to me.

This is what my parents are like. No major abuse towards me but constant low level negativity and criticism (such as saying “oh your roots are showing a lot” as soon as they enter my home). They also are both very negative and absorbed with their own needs and wants. All together this makes being near them pretty miserable.

Maybe your DP has put boundaries in place and is low contact for a similar reason. Just because someone isn’t abusive, doesn’t mean they’re helpful people to be around.

I think you should leave him to decide the relationship he has with his kids, but stop being the go between for them.

I wouldn’t personally see it as a red flag....unless there were other things about him that concerned me.

Also to add my mother seems very nice to other people and is never out of order enough for it to be obvious to other people.

It’s just constant criticism. I’ve got more angry about the criticism as I’ve got older and been able to reflect on the way I was treated as a child.

OP admitting things were not great when you were a child, admitting abuse, makes you very vulnerable. That might be what is going on.
I think with my hindsight glasses on, if I had dealt with it all head on it would have been better, and I have made better relationship choices since I did so, I feel like I wasted a lot of time burying it, and it wasn't really fair on the people i was in relationships with at the time, if that makes sense. I was very commitment phobic. But for the timebeing you could try saying to him that you know things were difficult with them when he was young, would he like to go LC and just keep contact to a bare minimum, or NC, and see how he reacts to that.

I don't think it's necessarily a red flag - I think a lot of men essentially leave their birth family to the past when they reach adulthood.

One of my DBs is like that - there has been no falling out, but he married into an arty, creative, vibrant sort of family, and rarely sees our very ordinary and down to earth parents. When he does, he blows in en route to somewhere else, stating that he needs to leave at a certain time

I hate it for my parents sake (although they have never complained) but I don't think it means he will ever behave this way towards his wife. He has just done like it says in the Bible and left behind his people and cleaved unto another!

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I don't think it's necessarily a red flag - I think a lot of men essentially leave their birth family to the past when they reach adulthood.

One of my DBs is like that - there has been no falling out, but he married into an arty, creative, vibrant sort of family, and rarely sees our very ordinary and down to earth parents. When he does, he blows in en route to somewhere else, stating that he needs to leave at a certain time

I hate it for my parents sake (although they have never complained) but I don't think it means he will ever behave this way towards his wife. He has just done like it says in the Bible and left behind his people and cleaved unto another!

This is what it seems like. Without being outing, the way his life has gone is so incredibly different to that of his parents and I am I suppose, someone he met in his ‘new life’.

It sounds like your DP needs mumsnet support!
His relationship with his sibling is terrible but sibling has needed the parents a lot more due to relationship break downs and being a single parent so inevitably gets more ‘attention’. DP is totally self sufficient from parents really. and your comment, *
. I think they’d be a lot less difficult if he humoured them and played dutiful son*
So forget that they are bitter and dismissive of him, have given much more 'attention' to the favoured sibling and just do what they tell him to be like?

@MichelleScarn

It sounds like your DP needs mumsnet support! His relationship with his sibling is terrible but sibling has needed the parents a lot more due to relationship break downs and being a single parent so inevitably gets more ‘attention’. DP is totally self sufficient from parents really. and your comment, * . I think they’d be a lot less difficult if he humoured them and played dutiful son* So forget that they are bitter and dismissive of him, have given much more 'attention' to the favoured sibling and just do what they tell him to be like?

Well they would never admit to favouritism and they probably don’t think it’s the case but it seems they resent him for having stayed in London after university and for career whereas sibling has never left home. As he met me in London I am probably seen as part of the issue and reason he’s never moved ‘home’

@Mila659 each update you give makes him sound more reasonable for being low contact with them.

Also they sound more and more like my parents.

[quote AIMD]@Mila659 each update you give makes him sound more reasonable for being low contact with them.

Also they sound more and more like my parents.[/quote]
It’s interesting as the thread started off with lots of ‘run OP!’ I’m sorry for drip feeding - it’s just some of the responses have made me think and reflect on some of the dynamics.

He gone off to uni and been successful but they’re not happy because he isn’t doing what they want and coming home.

Whereas they favour the other sibling who sees them and needs them a lot.

They sound very selfish

@AIMD

He gone off to uni and been successful but they’re not happy because he isn’t doing what they want and coming home.

Whereas they favour the other sibling who sees them and needs them a lot.

They sound very selfish

I do think they are very proud of him, I don’t doubt it, but it is probably tinged with envy and a feeling of abandonment- which I don’t think is fair but probably quite common. DP and sibling are pretty much NC.