DP terrible relationship with parents - would it bother you?

[Mila659]

I have a very close relationship with my parents and siblings, so I find it quite hard to understand how bad DP’s is with his.

Objectively, they have always supported him, never had a lot but did their best etc. They are totally different in pretty much every possible way - outlook, education, career, even where they live. They are nice people and I have no problem with them.

However, DP is just utterly uninterested and dismissive to the point of being rude. He never speaks to them. Ignores texts and calls and forgets to reply. He regularly forgets to buy birthday presents/cards. He would never phone them just to chat. Does not enjoy spending time with them. I find I sort things out card wise as I like sending cards but I draw the line at presents - I send my own to his parents as if I left it to him they wouldn’t get anything on time and I’d feel embarrassed. As it stands, they end up having more contact with me than with DP.

After 5 years of being together I have fallen into the role of the messenger and they give up trying to contact DP as he never texts back - they go straight to me. This annoys me more and more.

To clarify - DP is good at buying presents for me and even for my family. It’s like he has a block against his own family and is horribly resentful, even actively dislikes them.

I am not aware of any horrible events or trauma in his childhood - nothing that would have triggered this.

As bad as it sounds I almost feel it would be easier for him to go NC with them - there wouldn’t be the expectation, if he dislikes them so much why keep up the pretence and cause so much tension. We live in London and see them probably twice a year as they live the other side of the country. There’s always a row when we go.

I suppose my questions are - and sorry for the length:

• is this a worrying sign, that DP has such contempt for his parents?
• should I even be bothered, or just stay out of it?
• is there anything i should do?

Thanks for reading if you have!!

It's hard to tell, but your PIL sound a bit manipulative. Guilting you into guilting your DP.

I think there's probably more to it.

I think it's unfair to say it's a red flag! There may have been some trauma in his childhood that he's not ready to discuss yet. I would let him lead the way with the relationship and if that means not speaking to them then do that.

I think you need to stand by your DP on this one. In feeling sad for his parents and trying to manage him into engaging with them, the message you are sending him is that his feelings here don’t matter. It sounds as if there is background in their behaviour that means he does not want to have a close relationship with them. His mum contacting you and you acting as an advocate for her could be her manipulating you/the situation and that must be hard for him. Perhaps he has found the family he actually wants in the relationship with you and has been able to move away from the challenges of his parents safe in the security of being loved and accepted by you? They are his parents, be guided by him. If there are no other causes for concern in your relationship then see this for what it is - his choice to protect himself and his choice to focus on your relationship and not on his parents.

Tbh it would really upset me if my partner judged me on MY relationship with my parents instead of trusting I had my reasons. And not everything needs to be shared. Frankly, unless it's actually affecting how he treats you or is in the relationship it's none of your business.

Families are complicated and not everything can be explained easily. Not everyone even has the tools or words to describe why they feel how they do. There doesn't need to be horrible abuse to make for bad parenting. And how you see them now is not what they were like when he was younger, clearly.

I would also find it annoying if you kept insisting on maintaining a relationship with them. It's very controlling to expect everyone to have the same relationship you have with your parents. And then judging them for it!!

For reverence I had a bf with a similar relationship with his parents even though they seemed very lovely. Much later he admitted he'd been in therapy for a bit as his dad had a vicious temper and used to take it out on him as a child. The mother did nothing to stop him. It gave my bf social anxiety around the fear of failure that only therapy fixed.

I too have a difficult relationship with my parents. They are outwardly lovely but made me responsible for their happiness as a child and I needed to leave home for my own sanity. I feel a duty to them and would miner go no-contact and will make sure they are looked after. I love them but do not like them and our relationship works now because there is distance. I hated explaining this in relationships and appreciate my current partner for not trying to psychoanalyse me and just letting it be.

Just leave him to manage his family alone. It's not your role to make him exactly as you are with your family. And please don't listen to the bitter bollocks of scorned women who tell you it speaks to some darker hatred of women etc. FFS.

Also I ended relationships with partners who tried to meddle with or psychoanalyse my relationship with my parents. I felt bad enough to not have had a normal childhood or a story of happy families, without it being dissected or questioned by the person who is my real family.

People coming into my life and not having the empathy or emotional intelligence to understand some things are complicated, would be a massive red flag to me. It's minimising my experiences just because they couldn't be explained or put into the neat little box they wanted. You've said he's a good partner with your family and you, so
why not just trust he has his reasons?

I think the fact you say he gets on well with your family is a very reassuring sign.

Do not take over the role of messenger or go-between. You are actually unwittingly damaging his relationship with them further because at least if he's 'not speaking to' or avoiding them, that's his way of holding their attention.
Gradually pass it back to him, by replying stuff to them like 'I'll let you ask him yourselves' etc.

Also keep an eye out that he is not doing the same with you...silent treatment, not answering the first time when you ask him a question, etc.
Sounds like they all avoid their emotions so it looks like there's none, but it's all simmering there, unsaid.

My husband couldn't understand my relationship with my mother for a while and then he saw her 'up close' eventually. She was a narcissistic woman who was violent and abusive. These relationships can be extremely complicated. Your care for your partner shines through and believing him is going to be valuable for him, I'm sure

I’d stay well out of it. It’s up to him to maintain the relationship with them, if he’s not actively trying that says a lot that he’s not interested.
My partner is very similar but his family tend to take advantage of him when he does engage, I’ve never pushed him to speak with them etc because it’s his choice. My partner has childhood trauma but has never told me details and I don’t ask, maybe your partner has something he doesn’t wish to share? I think you’re better off out of it and leave birthdays etc to him

Is this a worrying sign, that DP has such contempt for his parents?

I would be worried if my partner showed contempt because it reflects how he processes negative emotions about people in his life. Like another poster this contempt can show up later in other close relationships often when there is a shift in power, as happens when you have children and are no longer pursuing career goals.

If his parents or father are narcisstic then he is right to go low or non contact but as his partner of 5 years I would hope that he now trusts you enough to discuss it.

You sound very empathic which is great but something is causing you to have concerns and I would encourage you to listen to your instincts.

Does he have close long term relationships with friends or are they more superficial? Does he process arguments or disagreements with you or others in a healthy way? Does he tend to see people as all good or all bad?

I have a terrible relationship with my Mother. We are no contact now, and I'm relieved. Suffered anxiety for years because of her actions towards me. I met DP after we'd gone no contact. He knows why we don't get on but there are some things I keep to myself as I don't want to share. Too hurtful.

But DP doesn't judge, or probe, or ask me about my Mum. I love that about him. We are very happy together. I can in no way imagine him looking askance at me because I don't get on with my Mum.

My Mum is very popular in the community. Lovely to everyone. Not to her own children though, particularly her daughters. Nobody on the outside would know that.

You don't know everything OP, even if you think you do. Your DP may well have his reasons for the way he is. Reading further down the thread it seems he's justified. Leave him to it.

I would say a number of years ago I'd agree and say there's gotta be something with him and Id run... However whilst I've always known how abusive my childhood was at the hands of my mother I always stuck by her, even though she's continued to be very manipulative, abusive and toxic to me even as an adult and now to my children. The last year I've done alot of reflecting and can't believe how she treated my siblings and I and how she continues to do so I've been confronting her, calling her out on it and now I have very little contact with her and I don't want any.

So I completely understand how people can no longer want relationships with their parents.

Perhaps there's history he doesn't want to talk about.

My mother always has and still does put on a big front to everyone and pretends she's a Christian who loves her children.

For context - my mother picked my son up and threw him on pencils that went up his bottom and very much hurt him, later that day she saw us at the shops .... Put her arms out and yelled out 'my grandy' running up to hug him.

People that have know her 30+years still think she's doting mother and grandmother.

Sometimes there's much more than meets the eye.

Is this a worrying sign, that DP has such contempt for his parents?

Personally, I do think that showing contempt for other people is a worrying sign. I certainly dislike some people, but showing contempt is toxic and can be very unpleasant. If someone close to me showed contempt towards their family, I’d want to know the reason why.

Tbh, it would need to be a pretty good reason for me to accept that attitude ( and there may be one). They don’t need to be close or get along well, but despising other people is horrible.

You need to have a conversation with him. I think it's very unfair to have it be deemed an automatic red flag by PPs or that men who don't like their mums will always treat women badly - many people have good reasons for disliking their family members.

Also just because you don't see the potential unhealthy parts of a relationship don't mean they're not there, especially when it comes to difficult family situations. Unless you truly think he's just a bad bloke, I would be very surprised if there weren't underlying issues. People usually don't behave in the way they do out of nowhere.

Families are incredibly complicated and it’s incredibly hard to face the reality that you maybe been mistreated or neglected, even subtly. It can take years of therapy to figure it out. He probably does not know why, but there will be a reason. I see it as a really clumsy way of trying to keep a distance and have boundaries. I have an extremely difficult relationship with my family, despite them seeming nice to everyone else and luckily DH can understand but not many would’ve done IMO.

This x a million. He probably does it for his own sanity after years of being chipped away at.

I agree with the poster above that, from your perspective, you need to think about whether you will also be moved into the "resented" category if you have DC together... children are a hell of a strain on a relationship. At that point, you may cease to be "fun partner' and become "nagging partner" and enemy because you want him to do his share.

His relationship with his parents is his business, but I'd be worried if my partner was seemingly incapable of addressing relationship issues in a mature and balanced way, assuming there wasn't a back-story which explained the resentment. Demonising others is not an attractive trait.

Maybe I am naive but I don’t think it is normal for parents to feel envy or resentment about their child’s success.

If he's happy to be low or no contact then stop contacting them so much yourself. Reply slower to their messages, basically phase them out. Don't involve yourself in someone else's relationships in future

My ex said my lack of engagement with my mother and half siblings was unnatural and a sign I wasn't right in the head.

I didn't share with him how it felt aged 8 to be cornered against a freezer with a hot iron an inch from my face being told I was going to be burned. Or the constant being told I was stupid, fat and ugly with a weird shaped cat face and nobody would ever like me.

One half sibling won't hear a word said about the woman. They're in regular contact. One is kinder than me so just keeps her at arm's length. The other surviving one went NC years before I did. Because they were half siblings, they had very little to do with me, partly by her doing.

DP didn't understand because his family are lovely. Then he met them at the hospital/funeral and understands completely how utterly unpleasant they are and gets the violence and verbal abuse I endured without having to force the details out of me.

Leave your DH be.

I would have been upset if dh had thought poorly of me because of my relationship with my parents my mum in particular. I didn’t have an awful childhood and wasn’t abused and neglected and my mum loved me but she didn’t like me and when I have tried to explain this to people they actually laugh sometimes.
I was different to her and in all honesty she probably didn’t understand me even right into adulthood she would get annoyed at me if I didn’t behave in the same way she would.
I was often closer to friends or boyfriends parents over the years. On paper there wasn’t really any reason for the distance but it easy there.
A few years ago some things came up and a lot came flooding out and our relationship has improved a great deal but she’s still not someone I’d choose to spend a lot of time with or confide in but we do get on better.
His relationship with his family is his own and it’s really frustrating when people close to their own families don’t get it and try to force you into it. Let him choose how he does it.

Lack of engagement or low contact with toxic family members is boundaries and completely understandable but contempt is not.

There will be more to it.

Conflicted here. I have a bad relationship with my parents but everybody close to me knows why. They labelled me emotional, sensituve etc for decades and wont acknowledge the damage that did to me.

Can yr DP .not articulate his lack of connection any better?

Disdain for them could be a defence mechanism to protect him from their views about him.

Is he generally disdainful?

It’s interesting as the thread started off with lots of ‘run OP!’

That was sad to see as those comments were obviously written by posters who have only ever experienced happy, "normal" families and had no understanding or empathy of what it's like not to have that dynamic. I'm glad many more posters who knew what they were talking about turned up.

Yeh @gannett my interest in family systems has made me very self aware, aware of the roles i carry arround with me, projection, ego defences etc.... im the only sane one in my family but they all gang up and label me difficult and crazy. Its made me resilient. Its made me think about desired outcomes, what i have responsibility gor and what i dont. Obviously ma and pa walton would have been nice but you know... im not the only one. It's how you deal with it.