Wrote a long post and it’s vanished! So annoying!
Forces me to summarise though. (Ha! As if!)
From ALL you’ve said it sounds like the parents/family of origin are the problem not him.
There’s a long running discussion on here referred to as the “stately homes” threads where dysfunctional families of the type it sounds as if he is likely a survivor of, discuss the issues and support each other.
The following site
[[https://outofthefog.website]]
Is also very enlightening.
It sounds like his dad is the driving force behind the dysfunction and he is the “scapegoat” and his sibling the “golden child” (neither is an enviable role each come with their curses).
Eg
You say he is more “self sufficient” and that the sibling is more ‘in need of support’ - that could well go back to the roles they were assigned as children. The sibling was perhaps never taught or allowed to be self sufficient and trained to be dependent - to make the parents feel needed and superior.
I think you need to do a lot of reading and learning about this type of abuse as it’s little understood - even by so called mh experts - and very difficult for people from healthy families to get their heads around.
That said I have to say my impression from your comments is also that you are a somewhat extreme people pleaser eager to “fix” other peoples relationships and that isn’t especially healthy either. So I suspect your upbringing wasn’t as ideal as you think either.
I think he’s right to advise you to distance yourself from the situation and not feel it’s your job to mend those Bridges - you didn’t burn them others did, they’re the only ones with a chance of mending them or at least patching them up.
I do think you need to resolve this before dc are in the picture as you don’t want history repeating itself AND because narc parents tend to become narc grandparents - they don’t know how else to be. You need to inform and prepare yourself for their likely actions as grandparents. Many a thread on here by new mums blindsided by such grandparents who were barely interested before dc and harder to remove than mould after!
You also need to address your people pleasing fixer urges in order to have strong boundaries to support dp and protect any dc.
Your dp would likely benefit from therapy but I don’t know how open to that he might be. One idea might be to suggest couples counselling to strengthen the relationship prior to marriage/children?
People who haven’t had parents like this generally don’t really “get it”. They may be able to understand it on an academic level but it’s one of those things you can’t really understand unless you’ve experienced it.
Several pps have described such dynamics as ‘not really abuse’ but it is! It’s emotional/verbal abuse.
I come from such a family where there was also ‘real’ abuse and I would actually say this is the hardest kind to recover from. It stays with you in some form your whole life. Even with loads of therapy.
As for their ability to be ‘nice’ for others - narcs can absolutely be the most charming, funny, articulate and entertaining people going - when it suits them and gets them what they want!
each update you give makes him sound more reasonable for being low contact with them. yep! Frankly it sounds to me he’d be better off vlc if not nc, WITH your support (you seem to be keen on blaming him) and lots of therapy!
the message you are sending him is that his feelings here don’t matter. I agree and that’s likely what they did!
What it boils down to is he knows them a damn sight better than you do!
Disclosing abuse is a really really difficult thing to do. There’s a lot of shame and guilt and societal blocks to doing so. I didn’t tell my ex the whole story until we were married after being together almost 4 years. Things came to a head due to a situation arising and I broke down and told him everything. I’d been scared to before as I feared his rejection, but also his possible anger and wish to enact vengeance for my sake. He actually handled it really well considering he’d no experience in anything like it! He was incredibly supportive and let me do things at my pace and my way. He understood I’d had others doing the wrong thing thinking it was best for me all my life up to that point.
@DeeCeeCherry - ohh narc parents LOVE to be “pillars of the community” don’t they?!
Any therapists you use either individually or as a couple relating to this be careful to select ones who are accredited (literally anyone can set up shop as a therapist if they so choose) and who understand this dynamic and aren’t invested themselves in encouraging maintenance of contact when it is likely not advisable. Unfortunately even well trained accredited therapists can be poor regarding this type of dynamic. I’ve had nhs psychologists actually say the dreaded “but they’re your family...” crap as if that’s reason enough to not only put up with but actively expose myself to abusive behaviour. It really needs to stop.
You are clearly not experienced or qualified on this situation (understandably so) so you must tread carefully and understand this needs delicate handling.