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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So the the grass belonging to the OW wasn't really greener then was it?!

557 replies

jemimathecat · 07/12/2020 12:53

This is light hearted post but I just wanted to hear if there were any stories out there where your partner/spouse went off with the OW and the grass suddenly turned to mud?!!
After being deeply hurt, I now find myself chuckling when I think of the ex (mid 50's) back to changing nappies and sleepless nights and telling his mother that he has no time for himself and cannot BELIEVE how expensive baby formula is!!
Most of his friends are driving sports cars and have grown up kids (like we also do) yet the only thing he's driving is a new double buggy ! LOL!

OP posts:
Got2beglue · 12/12/2020 00:31

@HeadNorth

That poster did not celebrate a baby's death. My child died at just under 1 year old. I found that pile on vile - do not presume to speak for bereaved parents.
I was speaking on behalf of myself. She spoke about it with glee while suggesting that a baby dying is a fitting 'punishment' for daring to cross her. Completely psychopathic.
Onthedunes · 12/12/2020 00:35

I think Jane's first post unintentionally made it sound as though the babies deaths were part of the karma.

I'm sure it wasn't originally intended to sound that way, she made a mistake but then with others goading and provoking she became angrier.

Fight or flight.... she fought and now she's gone.
To be accused of celebrating a child's death would be devastating.

Got2beglue · 12/12/2020 00:41

@Onthedunes

I think Jane's first post unintentionally made it sound as though the babies deaths were part of the karma.

I'm sure it wasn't originally intended to sound that way, she made a mistake but then with others goading and provoking she became angrier.

Fight or flight.... she fought and now she's gone.
To be accused of celebrating a child's death would be devastating.

To be accused of celebrating a child's death would be devastating

So devastating that she doubled down and continued to do it an a series of now deleted posts?

Needsadvice197 · 12/12/2020 01:46

Haha I love it! Enjoy your free life OP, have some fun and defo post some pictures on SM looking all lovely and enjoying your time 😋 some people often think the grass is greener but what they don’t realise is every relationship has its problems and whilst it may look brilliant on the surface, scratch away a bit and you’ll see a heap of problems! Send them a congrats card on the baby😂

Needsadvice197 · 12/12/2020 01:51

I haven’t seen janes post but I’ve got the gist of it and I am appalled 🤢

If you were celebrating the fact he’d cheated on her etc then we’d all be backing you but gloating about the fact they lost their babies is honestly so fucking disgusting. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, those poor souls didn’t deserve that and as parents they didn’t either.

You’re a very lonely bitter woman and I can see why he left you. I wish them the best in the future and hope they can heal.

1mumm · 12/12/2020 03:03

I don't know what it's like to be cheated on or have my children terrorized by an OW so I can't judge the first wives who experienced it. My sympathies are with all the first wives and all the children, dead or alive, of the shitty husbands. For those who piled on to judge the wronged wife, I suppose that's a common internet behavior so...Biscuit

PrincessNutNutRoast · 12/12/2020 07:19

@Onthedunes

I think Jane's first post unintentionally made it sound as though the babies deaths were part of the karma.

I'm sure it wasn't originally intended to sound that way, she made a mistake but then with others goading and provoking she became angrier.

Fight or flight.... she fought and now she's gone.
To be accused of celebrating a child's death would be devastating.

It wasn't one post, it was several. She also said that she didn't care if it made her a cow and used a horrible misogynistic slur.

This is a parenting website with many users who have lost children. We do all have unworthy thoughts sometimes (though taking pleasure in actual baby death that really happened is pretty out there, and if you're pleased the parents are suffering then that's what you're doing), but this is a parenting website with many bereaved parents on it. You can't share something like that and not expect to upset people, and if you're going to double down on it hard with some misogyny thrown into the bargain, expect to be told that you're not welcome.

I don't want to see that here.

HeadNorth · 12/12/2020 08:32

Well, I am a bereaved parent and I don't enjoy seeing vicious pile-ons and bullying of a poster who has clearly had a traumatic experience. You can challenge offensive posts, but it went way beyond that and despite posts being deleted people are still saying very nasty and personal things about the poster. People who are upset lash out. A bit more understanding and a bit less judgement is what we all need.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 12/12/2020 08:43

@HeadNorth

Well, I am a bereaved parent and I don't enjoy seeing vicious pile-ons and bullying of a poster who has clearly had a traumatic experience. You can challenge offensive posts, but it went way beyond that and despite posts being deleted people are still saying very nasty and personal things about the poster. People who are upset lash out. A bit more understanding and a bit less judgement is what we all need.
I'm sorry for your loss.

I still don't want to see that here and I'm glad MNHQ agrees. A parenting website is not the place where glorying in baby death, repeatedly and without regret for the distress it is causing, should be made acceptable under any circumstances.
She can find somewhere else to share that, and take the sexualised misogyny with her. It's not welcome here. Trauma isn't a carte blanche for this.

Report any posts that you think were abusive. The "people who are upset lash out" argument cuts both ways if you're going to use it.

MarshaBradyo · 12/12/2020 08:47

If posts are too much then they get deleted. Which mnhq did.

HeadNorth · 12/12/2020 09:06

You’re a very lonely bitter woman and I can see why he left you

Do you think this is acceptable on a parenting website? I haven't reported it, as personally I think people should own what they post.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 12/12/2020 09:38

I think mnhq delete things for a quiet life sometimes. The problem with deleting posts is that it denies readers the opportunity to judge for themselves and allows a pile on to continue while denying the deleted poster her voice.

MarshaBradyo · 12/12/2020 09:39

@HeadNorth

You’re a very lonely bitter woman and I can see why he left you

Do you think this is acceptable on a parenting website? I haven't reported it, as personally I think people should own what they post.

Well that’s up to you.

Personally I’m glad mnhq removed those posts and wouldn’t get any satisfaction out of seeing them owned. I didn’t report but good to see them gone.

Sally665 · 12/12/2020 09:48

I am a bereaved relative of a young child and I was quite ill when jane made the comment about nicotine pickling the baby's brain. I feel sick saying it again and I expect my post will be deleted. In my opinion her posts should have been deleted, they were really awful, what she said was awful.

SeaEagleFeather · 12/12/2020 10:48

She made dreadful callous comments.

HeadNorth · 12/12/2020 10:51

@SeaEagleFeather

She made dreadful callous comments.
She really did, no doubt about that. But as we say to our children (or at least I do) 'two wrongs don't make a right'.
SeaEagleFeather · 12/12/2020 11:23

Hope you also teach your children about

a sense of proportion
not saying some things aloud, even if you're thinking them and
considering how your words might affect other people.

gypsywater · 12/12/2020 11:37

"Trauma" does not give people the right to express such hatred and venom. Her posts were WAY too far. A billion miles over the line of acceptability.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 12/12/2020 12:26

@HeadNorth

You’re a very lonely bitter woman and I can see why he left you

Do you think this is acceptable on a parenting website? I haven't reported it, as personally I think people should own what they post.

I find that unacceptable too, but nowhere near as bad as glorying in baby death. I don't understand a) why it would bother you more than Jane's much worse remarks or b) why you wouldn't report abusive posts. It's nothing to do with "owning" comments, it's to do with the kind of thing we do and don't find acceptable here.
HeadNorth · 12/12/2020 12:31

I didn't find Jane's comments acceptable and I am not arguing that they should not have been deleted. But it was obvious they were coming from a place of pain and anguish, while many of those responding seemed to be taking a delight in being as unpleasant as possible and ganging up with others to drag a damaged person further down. It was not an edifying spectacle.

gypsywater · 12/12/2020 12:55

I saw it as a group of women setting a boundary about what is and what is not acceptable.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 12/12/2020 12:58

@HeadNorth

I didn't find Jane's comments acceptable and I am not arguing that they should not have been deleted. But it was obvious they were coming from a place of pain and anguish, while many of those responding seemed to be taking a delight in being as unpleasant as possible and ganging up with others to drag a damaged person further down. It was not an edifying spectacle.
Well, I don't really understand why you would apply such compassionate understanding to someone telling us how glad she is to see the suffering of bereaved parents, with a dose of misogyny thrown in, but not to the people responding to that, who could be going through anything themselves. It's not "ganging up" when someone manages to hurt and offend a lot of people by being disgusting, repeatedly; nobody had to silence themselves if they were affected by that. If it's a matter of which unedifying spectacle one finds more unpleasant and inexcusable in this case, then I doubt I will convince you, or vice versa.

I may, however, convince you of this. You appear to be part of a surprisingly large cohort of MNers who do not like reporting abusive and offensive content; I've seen a lot of comments about why people don't report. I do report, and I'm happy to; I don't want people to come to MN and think it's a place where it's officially ok to call people cunts or openly revel in baby death. It's quite possible for people on both sides of an argument to make unacceptable comments and you can report all the abusive ones you see. I think people should.

grey12 · 12/12/2020 18:07

DF left DM for a younger woman. Well now he has a son 4 years older than DD1Hmm I suppose that's the good part.

If he had stayed with DM they would both be retired, flying here and there, and visiting their grandchildren.

Now he has a business that unfortunately is not doing so well and is very hard working long hours, saw DD1 twice, DD2 once and new DD3 just on the phone.... I'm sure he feels terrible for not being able to see his "first family" very often (he even went to live in a different country) Sad it's a sad situation

Ddot · 13/12/2020 19:45

The grass is only greener because its covered in shit.
Best revenge, to be happy

ThatsAllFolks · 13/12/2020 20:16

Wow. This is the worst thread I read for a long long time. Jane wasn't so bad. No worse than some of antijane posters. Jeez.

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