TW. Sex feels like rape.

[placemarker]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Married a little over a year, been together for two years. Great relationship, very happy and understanding with love and affection.
I was indisidiously abused when I was younger (15, sleeping with two 25 year olds who made me feel pressured and a 51 year old when I was 16, though that wasn't assault because I was legal but still traumatising). Didn't realised previously that I had been taken advantage of because I didn't realise I was vulnerable, had all the bullshit of being "mature" for my age so thought it was OK these men wanted me.

I don't like having sex with my husband. I feel like I need to do it anyway (though he doesn't put any pressure on me) because it's a big part of a relationship and I'm not comfortable with him watching porn or wanking (please don't have a go at me about this). We had sex with morning and I couldn't stop thinking about my ex, one who I really loved - it made me feel horrible during sex but I don't ever say stop when it's started. I said for him not to do something during foreplay and he said OK, but he did it after he finished as a joke - nothing bad but felt bad because of aforementioned ex stuff and discomfort during sex. I know it sounds bad but he didn't have bad intentions, he's a good person and I think he meant it as a joke.

I've been to therapy, I've told people who can help about my experience, I've acknowledged what happened. I'm with a good person and I love him, but this is an issue and I haven't been able to solve it with counselling or external support.
I think it's worsened by not having much physical attraction, I don't know how to solve this. If you have any advice, please help. Sorry if this is triggering.

Some of the PP had good advice.
It might be good to try EMDR if you haven't already to process the abuse.
The journal is also a good idea.
After therapy, I believe you need to continue with the work such as building your self esteem daily in small ways. It takes awhile to build new habits.
Eventually you'll begin to feel like a worth and capable person.
I also think sex therapy would be good after you've done the EMDR and self esteem work.

I think you have had a really traumatic past which is still impacting on your ability to enjoy sex, and I think the only answer is to go back into therapy. You deserve to be happy, have good self esteem and enjoy a physical relationship with someone you love, but you're not there now and I don't think you can do it alone. That isn't weakness or you being a bad person, it's about what has happened to you. I don't think there is a quick fix for this, but I do hope in time you will be able to work through it because you deserve happiness.

Sex isnt great because you dont fancy him and it never will be great.

Its Not really fair on either of you. I’d rather leave a marriage than live with someone who hated sex with me.

So, explain exactly how you feel and let him decide what happens next.

[quote waterproofed]@placemarker

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. If it’s any consolation, I experienced sexual abuse as a teenager as well, but was able to find a way to have a very fulfilling intimate life thanks to some excellent therapy. It’s possible to feel better about sex after abuse, I promise.

You asked:

If you have any advice on making this feel OK, I'd like to hear it because I don't know how

I think the key to being comfortable with your partner wanking is understanding their sexuality as separate from you. His wanting to wank is not a reflection on you or on his desire for you - it’s about his own self-love and his own sexual relationship ship with himself. It’s not your responsibility to make him orgasm - he can do that himself. It’s not your failing if he chooses that every now and then and not a reflection on how he feels. What’s inside his head while he wanks is nothing to do with you because just as he does not own you, you don’t own him. Having a little bit of sexual privacy is healthy, even essential.

To have a good sexual relationship with anyone else, you first have to be secure in your own sexual relationship with yourself. Masturbation is a healthy part of building that relationship up.

Does that make sense?[/quote]
This is a really really good post - and OP, I'd also take some time to think about how it applies to you as well as your husband.

You say you have a sex drive so what, in your head, does good sex consist of? What do you desire? What are your fantasies? What acts would satisfy you, what acts would not trigger you? I think if you had answers to those things you could start taking control over how sex makes you feel.

You're uncomfortable with your husband masturbating - are you uncomfortable with masturbating yourself? That's one way to find out those answers. And remember - it's not how you think sex "should" be, according to society or your husband or the men who abused you. It's how you WANT it to be. Maybe your own desires make you uncomfortable or embarrassed - this is pretty normal tbh.

I was also struck that you think your husband wanking would be a failure on your part - it seems like too much of your self-worth is bound up in providing sex (which explains why your mental state isn't great right now). That's not the case at all, and I'd really suggest sex-focused therapy because that stuff needs a professional to unpack, not message board randoms.

I can't offer much support other than to say I have been where you are. My husband moved between withholding sex from me and then we occasionally had sex and he was rough with me. He is also my abuser. I could not continue the situation any longer after 8 long years. He destroyed my mental health (very much more to my story). I am now divorcing him which has made him even more angry and vindictive.

There is a future and hope. With a lot of support and time to process I have moved on. I have a new partner who is completely different and we are able to enjoy sex - because it is a positive act between people who care for one another.

ihavenorights
WtF?

In all honesty people on here are going to find it difficult to help. It all sounds very complex and I think you need to speak to a professional. You clearly have unresolved issues from your teen years which are now following you in to adult life.

Agree with maybemu - this sounds so complex and difficult. I'm so sorry for what happened to you and that you haven't been able to find a therapy that works for you yet, but I really hope you do, for both of your sakes. You can't keep feeling traumatised/disgusted/insecure and on his side, no one should be with someone controlling their bodily autonomy by refusing to let them masturbate. It also sounds like you may not be over your ex. It all sounds incredibly difficult and you really need professional answers.

You can't keep feeling traumatised/disgusted/insecure

To clarify, I mean for your own sanity and happiness, this needs resolving, not that your feelings are in any way invalid.

If you aren't happy and it cant be resolved you need to think about leaving. Doesnt seem very fair on your DH to carry on in this way.

Thank you to PPs, I'm reading over everyone's suggestions and taking them in (though I'm not sure what got deleted, eek!)

no one should be with someone controlling their bodily autonomy by refusing to let them masturbate. I'm not refusing to let him masturbate in any serious context. He knows it would upset me to know about it, but if he decides to masturbate anyway I'm not in control of that. He's said previously he doesn't want to do it at all if it affects me in anyway, at least temporarily while I get my emotional stuff sorted out. I understand why people wouldn't understand that but I'm not saying "don't do this" or "I'll hate you if you do this" or anything along those lines. He just doesn't want to do anything to upset me.

Thank you for the rest of your points though and I do understand what you were saying @MarylinMonrue

If you aren't happy and it cant be resolved you need to think about leaving. I'm happy, but I'm also damaged. The two aren't mutually exclusive and just because I don't have this one part of my life / our relationship going well doesn't mean I need to abandon ship honestly. It would just be nice to hear if anyone's gotten through this or has experience, as that would make me feel like it IS actually possible to get through. @Viviennemary

Well done, @whistlesandbells. As I said, it's great to hear about someone being able to get past this issue. How did you manage it on a smaller, practical level if you don't mind me asking? Like what were the steps you took to rebuild your mental health?

Your title caught me @placemaker, because for a very different reason sex became something deeply traumatic with my DH. @user1481840227 post put me right back in that place, 'I had sex that I didn't want to have with my ex. It honestly felt like raping myself. It caused me so much sexual trauma.'. I felt for too long that we could move past it, but H was never willing to listen and give me the safe space I needed to slowly rebuild things.

No advice, bumping in the hope someone else can give you the answers you need.