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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

TW. Sex feels like rape.

88 replies

placemarker · 06/12/2020 23:31

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Married a little over a year, been together for two years. Great relationship, very happy and understanding with love and affection.
I was indisidiously abused when I was younger (15, sleeping with two 25 year olds who made me feel pressured and a 51 year old when I was 16, though that wasn't assault because I was legal but still traumatising). Didn't realised previously that I had been taken advantage of because I didn't realise I was vulnerable, had all the bullshit of being "mature" for my age so thought it was OK these men wanted me.

I don't like having sex with my husband. I feel like I need to do it anyway (though he doesn't put any pressure on me) because it's a big part of a relationship and I'm not comfortable with him watching porn or wanking (please don't have a go at me about this). We had sex with morning and I couldn't stop thinking about my ex, one who I really loved - it made me feel horrible during sex but I don't ever say stop when it's started. I said for him not to do something during foreplay and he said OK, but he did it after he finished as a joke - nothing bad but felt bad because of aforementioned ex stuff and discomfort during sex. I know it sounds bad but he didn't have bad intentions, he's a good person and I think he meant it as a joke.

I've been to therapy, I've told people who can help about my experience, I've acknowledged what happened. I'm with a good person and I love him, but this is an issue and I haven't been able to solve it with counselling or external support.
I think it's worsened by not having much physical attraction, I don't know how to solve this. If you have any advice, please help. Sorry if this is triggering.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 07/12/2020 01:07

No obviously not. We have conversations about it once in a while, and sometimes make jokes. Fuck sake

That wasn't obvious. There is no need to be snappy when people are trying to help you!

Original poster
placemarker · 07/12/2020 01:07

thank you @RhubarbTea. How did you escape that cycle?

OP posts:
Original poster
placemarker · 07/12/2020 01:08

That wasn't obvious. There is no need to be snappy when people are trying to help you!

Sorry hard not to be snappy.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 07/12/2020 01:11

The concept of him watching porn and getting off to women getting raped. The concept that even when he wanks without porn he'd still think about porn. The concept that if he were to wank, it would be in the next room while I tried to distract myself

Ok - does he get off to rape porn? or rape roleplay scenarios in porn? or are you saying that some of the girls could be forced into it so he might be watching rape?
There is ethnical porn out there.

Why does it bother you if he thinks about porn when he wanks? Do you want him to be attracted to you even though you're not attracted to him? You said you thought of your ex while you had sex with him your husband this morning...why is that ok then?

Original poster
placemarker · 07/12/2020 01:12

@user1481840227. Thank you for your help. I asked for help but I can't stomach the responses, sorry. I'm not trying to hurt him, I love him - I'm just so sick of feeling this way. Thank you anyway.

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 07/12/2020 01:14

[quote placemarker]@user1481840227. Thank you for your help. I asked for help but I can't stomach the responses, sorry. I'm not trying to hurt him, I love him - I'm just so sick of feeling this way. Thank you anyway.[/quote]
I just HATE the thought of women having sex that they don't want to be able to have. I hate it. I've been there and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Apileofballyhoo · 07/12/2020 01:14

I think you need more help with your past, OP. It's hard to tell if you just don't really fancy your husband or if your past is affecting your ability to enjoy sex. I'm not sure if you even know the answer to that yourself

RhubarbTea · 07/12/2020 01:14

@placemarker

thank you *@RhubarbTea*. How did you escape that cycle?
I haven't, I have just stopped dating people while I work on myself. I also dated a woman but I still picked the exact same situation so no difference there Grin That was my last relationship, 4 years ago. I can't afford more therapy but the longer I am alone the clearer I get on what I'd like in a relationship, and what my deal-breakers are. I would 100% recommend being single for a good few years especially if you haven't been for much of your adult life. It helps to recalibrate your head and gain perspective on the past.

But there is a certain element of moving on from old patterns of behaviour that can only be tested by actually choosing a good person and having a relationship with them. I've got good and saying no to people I'd previously have fallen into relationships with - but I haven't yet met someone who makes me want to say yes to them. maybe I still have a way to go, and it may never happen for me at all, I know that. But I am happier.

I hated partners wanking because of porn in previous relationships, I think I'd be more chill about wanking now but porn is pretty much a dealbreaker for me which is limiting especially when dating men. I wish I had an easy answer to that one.

Palatka · 07/12/2020 01:20

OP, do you know he watches/wants to watch porn, or is it just the thought of him doing it/wanting to do it that upsets you?

WoolyMammoth55 · 07/12/2020 01:21

Hi OP - first up I'm really sorry for what you've been through and what you're going through. It all sounds incredibly hard and you're obviously strong to have come through it.

A couple of things jumped out at me from what you've written; first is that if sex feels like rape to you, you should definitely stop having it. I have a partner who I love and if they shared that our sex life made them feel raped, I would DEFINITELY rather stop having sex than continue that. It may be a temporary stop, or it may not, but don't keep on with behaviour that hurts you. You deserve better than that. Anyone who loves you will agree.

Second, I noticed that you've tried counselling and it hasn't worked for you. Have you and your husband tried couple's counselling? It seems like there are a few issues between you, and it may be that solo counselling can't improve things when maybe couple work would. Again, if he loves you he'll want to support you with this healing process.

Lastly I wanted to echo back to you what you said about being disabled, unable to work. You've said a lot that your husband is great and there are good things about your marriage aside from the sex; but this implies that perhaps you feel trapped in the marriage by your circumstances? If you had a large amount of money in the bank and a safe place to live alone, would you hesitate to leave? Apologies if I got the wrong end of the stick on this, just wanted you to consider if you're staying out of love or practicality.

Wish you all the best going forward. X

FakeFakeNews · 07/12/2020 01:22

We had sex with morning and I couldn't stop thinking about my ex, one who I really loved - it made me feel horrible during sex but I don't ever say stop when it's started. I said for him not to do something during foreplay and he said OK, but he did it after he finished as a joke - nothing bad but felt bad because of aforementioned ex stuff and discomfort during sex. I know it sounds bad but he didn't have bad intentions, he's a good person and I think he meant it as a joke.

Have I read the above correctly- your asked your current partner not to something during foreplay and he did it anyway for a joke? But you think it's the experience you've had with your ex that makes him doing something you've asked him not to seem more bad than it is?

If I've understood that correctly. Him doing something you've clearly asked him not to so he knew you weren't consenting, is a shit thing to do, him doing it as a joke doesn't mean you can't be upset by him doing something sexually you'd specifically asked him not to do.

If your ex also ignored you when you said no and he did it anyway and now your current partner has done the same I can see why you're not enjoying it. If you can't trust your sexual partner to not do something you've asked for him not to, (be him thinking it's a funny joke or not) I'm not surprised you aren't enjoying it. It sounds bad because it is bad and good men don't do things they know their partner isn't consenting to.

Piratedoor · 07/12/2020 01:24

@placemarker

Even if everything else is great, *@Piratedoor*?
Yes unfortunately. You've already said you have a good sex drive and I'm assuming your husband does too, so neither of you want a sexless marriage, so even if everything else is amazing it will not work long term if you don't find him attractive and don't want to have sex with him. I think you really need to seek more help with what you've been through in the past. I'll just add, its impossible for you to know what your husband is thinking about while he is wanking, it could even be you for all you know, or sharks? 😉 (friends) Anyway, please get some more therapy, it sounds like you could really benefit
IfIHadAHeart · 07/12/2020 01:30

I agree with everything @Piratedoor has said. You do not write about him in a nice way at all; your posts read as though you barely tolerate him. You don’t find him attractive, don’t want to have sex....was he aware of this prior to marriage as it’s rather unfair if he hasn’t gone into this with possession of the facts. How did you even end up together?

Original poster
placemarker · 07/12/2020 01:32

Stepped away for 10 minutes. I'm sorry in advance if I'm snappy, I'm not trying to be. I'm under a lot of strain right now and it's hard when there's an extra addition of suggestion that you're controlling / manipulative / generally shit. I understand that's not a reasonable response however.

OP, do you know he watches/wants to watch porn, or is it just the thought of him doing it/wanting to do it that upsets you?

He watched porn quite a lot back in earlier days and it upset me because it was usually on days I couldn't have sex (tired, hormonal etc). I was uncomfortable because it felt like I was being replaced and I needed to have sex to avoid that feeling. I know that's probably not reasonable. There were a few times where he said he promised he would stop watching porn for a while and did it anyway. We also met up with someone he used to have sex with in the early days of our relationship and I didn't know he had had sex with her and it felt very bad. I know I sound crazy, but it's a shitty character trait I have exacerbated by small events like that. He says he doesn't watch porn anymore, and I believe him, but I believed him before.

If you had a large amount of money in the bank and a safe place to live alone, would you hesitate to leave?
Truthfully, I don't know. I love him and things are great on a day to day and he loves me more than anything, but I'm so torn about everything that happens to me. Probably another shitty character trait.

Have I read the above correctly- your asked your current partner not to something during foreplay and he did it anyway for a joke? But you think it's the experience you've had with your ex that makes him doing something you've asked him not to seem more bad than it is?

So I was hurt by two guys (call them A and B I guess, they were the 25 year olds when I was 15) but I didn't know it was wrong until I got older because of all the "mature" stuff about my personality or whatever. I was in love with C, another ex, who I thought about this morning. I don't know why really, it wasn't out of horniness or anything along those lines.

OP posts:
Original poster
placemarker · 07/12/2020 01:33

I agree with everything @Piratedoor has said. You do not write about him in a nice way at all; your posts read as though you barely tolerate him. You don’t find him attractive, don’t want to have sex....was he aware of this prior to marriage as it’s rather unfair if he hasn’t gone into this with possession of the facts. How did you even end up together?

I like him, love him and enjoy his company. The sexual issues are issues on my end, but I love him as a person. He's known I've had sexual issues since the beginning

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 07/12/2020 01:35

What about non-sexual physical intimacy? Hugs, massages, kissing? Are any of them comfortable with him?

Original poster
placemarker · 07/12/2020 01:36

What about non-sexual physical intimacy? Hugs, massages, kissing? Are any of them comfortable with him?

Yes, all of those things are OK. We are very physically affectionate and loving @MinesAPintOfTea

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 07/12/2020 01:43

Could you take sex off the table for a bit? Just let yourself relax and enjoy the gentler intimacy for a while and see if that makes you feel comfortable with sex?

Also a survivor, and what has worked previously for me was dh agreeing to let me go at my speed for a while.

You probably have to accept he will wank to release tension though.

Original poster
placemarker · 07/12/2020 01:45

Could you take sex off the table for a bit? Just let yourself relax and enjoy the gentler intimacy for a while and see if that makes you feel comfortable with sex?

We've done that previously, it kind of just makes my libido die a slow death if I'm honest. @MinesAPintOfTea

You probably have to accept he will wank to release tension though
If you have any advice on making this feel OK, I'd like to hear it because I don't know how

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 07/12/2020 01:49

Would a date night where you call the shots help?

With the wanking, just make it clear that you don't want to know. And that you'd prefer he didn't use porn. But I think it's healthy for both of you to find release. It might help you with asking him for things too.

Original poster
placemarker · 07/12/2020 01:51

I'm not sure what a date night where I called the shots would entail if I'm honest @MinesAPintOfTea. Do you mean a date night in the context of a romantic evening or in the context of me being more decisive in sex?
We have typical date nights every once in a while and they're pleasant but they don't change the sex issues unfortunately.

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 07/12/2020 01:54

I meant a romantic evening where it is agreed in advance that when you get to the bedroom you will decide what you want and ask/take the lead. Give you all the agency rather than feeling you are there for what he wants

waterproofed · 07/12/2020 01:56

@placemarker

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. If it’s any consolation, I experienced sexual abuse as a teenager as well, but was able to find a way to have a very fulfilling intimate life thanks to some excellent therapy. It’s possible to feel better about sex after abuse, I promise.

You asked:

If you have any advice on making this feel OK, I'd like to hear it because I don't know how

I think the key to being comfortable with your partner wanking is understanding their sexuality as separate from you. His wanting to wank is not a reflection on you or on his desire for you - it’s about his own self-love and his own sexual relationship ship with himself. It’s not your responsibility to make him orgasm - he can do that himself. It’s not your failing if he chooses that every now and then and not a reflection on how he feels. What’s inside his head while he wanks is nothing to do with you because just as he does not own you, you don’t own him. Having a little bit of sexual privacy is healthy, even essential.

To have a good sexual relationship with anyone else, you first have to be secure in your own sexual relationship with yourself. Masturbation is a healthy part of building that relationship up.

Does that make sense?

Original poster
placemarker · 07/12/2020 02:01

That makes sense and I appreciate the effort it took to explain it, @waterproofed. But I can cognitively understand it and not stop feeling it unfortunately

OP posts:
waterproofed · 07/12/2020 02:09

@placemarker

But what are you feeling when he wanks, exactly? Is it a sense of responsibility for his sexual pleasure? A sense of failure for not being able to satisfying him at all times? Or is it jealousy? Can you describe why, if on an intellectual level you understand his desire and his right for sexual pleasure by himself, it simultaneously causes you anguish?

Sometimes, victims of abuse (myself included) have a hard time properly understanding their feelings because so much abuse is tied up with disassociation. Survivors often disassociate so much in order to survive that they sometimes loose their innate understanding of their own desires and emotions. This understanding does come back, but it takes a little work.