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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has anyone stopped online dating?

180 replies

XmasHollie · 06/12/2020 17:57

It's so boring!! I've deleted my account. anyone else?

OP posts:
XmasHollie · 12/12/2020 22:43

Been on tonight. Same old faces online Xmas Hmm

OP posts:
waydownwego · 13/12/2020 08:32

I've only met one nice guy in the last four years who actually wanted to date me, and I didn't want to date him. He's a good friend now, which is nice, but part of me is really cross with myself for not wanting to ever date him. He ticks so many boxes on paper, but I'm just not attracted to him in the slightest and never will be. :(

Finding someone who you have that physical connection with and who isn't a complete loser seems impossible.

It's really depressing to think that I'm basically waiting for the good men to become divorced or widowed...

I just want a vaguely attractive man who can make me laugh, has his shit together and isn't just looking for a quick shag. Apparently, I'm setting the bar too high...

coronaway · 13/12/2020 09:55

@waydownwego I think everyone suffers from that.

If I could get past looks and find more men sexually attractive / have chemistry with dating would be straightforward as I came across lots of lovely blokes when I did OLD - none of whom I had any physical attraction towards 😩

I do wonder if there are perhaps a lot of couples out there who somehow got past the attraction thing and are now happily settled together? Had I wanted children it may have been a path I decided.

XmasHollie · 17/12/2020 22:03

I've deleted all accounts last week and omg I feel so much better. How is everyone?

OP posts:
NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 17/12/2020 23:03

...... barely literate NeanderthalsGrin

Aah, you've been on the same sites that I have Grin

DianaOfTheLakes · 18/12/2020 02:07

My sis does OLD. She's attractive, good job, solvent. Childless due to infertility. She says the majority of men on there are single dads, living in HMOs who just immediately think they can move in to her house so their kids have somewhere to stay at weekends. As the mumsnet saying goes COCKLODGERS.

She says that they think that because she's childless due to infertility then she should be grateful to be given the opportunity to take in the drudgery of someone else's kids every weekend.

DianaOfTheLakes · 18/12/2020 02:23

I do genuinely think there is a disconnect. A lot of men think they are entitled to a decent partner, no matter how unattractive, unhygienic and insolvent they are. It's almost as though they haven't realised it's 2020 and women can have jobs and own property.

flowersrain · 18/12/2020 05:12

I'm pretty much being forced to give up because my area is in tier 3 but I don't feel great about it at all. Online dating really seems to be the only way to meet people and I see it as a necessary evil if I want to find a relationship but it seems impossible right now. I feel like my life is on hold but time is passing me by

Techway · 18/12/2020 11:17

@SenselessUbiquity, I suspect this is the reality.

@Wibble01, I have no doubt there are some badly behaved women BUT generally women don't send unsolicited naked pictures, go on sites when married etc. We live in a male dominated society so men have entitlement..I see it around me and through raising sons, it's so engrained that men aren't conscious of it. There is also delusionment, which seems to affect men more...it's why so many middle aged men, over weight, unfit, unintelligent seem to think they are a great catch for a much younger woman. Women generally do not think like this...they tend to under value themselves.

The examples you gave are, I assume when in a relationship as opposed to behaviour in the first instance? The behaviour we see is at the intro stage...this is when they are supposed to be making a good impression.

Wibble01 · 18/12/2020 13:09

[quote Techway]@SenselessUbiquity, I suspect this is the reality.

@Wibble01, I have no doubt there are some badly behaved women BUT generally women don't send unsolicited naked pictures, go on sites when married etc. We live in a male dominated society so men have entitlement..I see it around me and through raising sons, it's so engrained that men aren't conscious of it. There is also delusionment, which seems to affect men more...it's why so many middle aged men, over weight, unfit, unintelligent seem to think they are a great catch for a much younger woman. Women generally do not think like this...they tend to under value themselves.

The examples you gave are, I assume when in a relationship as opposed to behaviour in the first instance? The behaviour we see is at the intro stage...this is when they are supposed to be making a good impression.[/quote]
I agree on first impressions and I don't know why some men are like that with dic pics /married etc.

However I was responding to someone that seemed to be suggesting that the breakdown of relationships was nearly always down to the man in the relationship. There seems to be a lack of balance on these threads I suppose to be expected as a male dominated board would be the similar.

It's the mantra of we women deserve better there aren't decent men out there. I just don't agree. The examples I gave were in the first few months of a relationship. The comments I made were trying to explain why relationships don't progress from a male perspective (talking about blokes in 30s /40s that have been through it a bit).

XmasHollie · 21/12/2020 20:28

How is everyone? Still off all the sites and feel so much better for it!

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Kitten11x · 21/12/2020 21:19

I’ve given up . Was on bumble and tinder . Only liked two and spoke to them on whatsapp, it dried up very quickly . I’m tier 4 and I am leaving it for a good while now .

manofgreengables · 21/12/2020 21:44

Gave up on OLD it a couple of years ago but not because I wasn't meeting people. I'm an older bloke so Bumble was a nice lazy way of doing it and had a few nice connections. Match..com though was lousy. I know many men over-egg their perceived desirability.... masculine "hunter" credentials .. holding up a big fish while shirtless etc, but some women do similar....the filters and the makeup, the mis-representation of age and looks bordering on dishonesty. It's a pain and I think it got worse about three years ago.

I did meet one lovely woman via Match and things went well for about three months...it could never have worked long term (LDR) but at least we've remained firm friends. The main reason I stopped though was that I realised that nearly all my worthwhile dates and experiences were coming via Facebook friends of friends simply because there was an open-ness and transparency there; i.e.easily "vett-able", more honest pics and verifiable history and ,it goes without saying, more in common with each other than a random OLD connection. Of course you ned to have a fairly public FB feed and be ruthless with yourself about not posting things that could later prove to be an embarrassment to either party. It's worked for me and those who I've dated and who remain friends online. Who'd have thought!

And it's free!

MyLifeNow20 · 21/12/2020 23:21

Im on tinder, found it good at the beginning because your dont have to talk unless its a match however no one messages me when its a match and I very rarely message first. Im a single parent to 3 and thinking its a waste of time

coronaway · 22/12/2020 00:10

Maybe the people you match with 'rarely message first' hence no communication? Not trying to be funny but I can't understand why women don't take the initiative - it's not the 1950s.

Having said all that OLD is a waste of time. My hope is more and more people realise this and the whole thing collapses changing the dating scene for good.

Mlm1236 · 22/12/2020 07:05

Read through this whole thread this morning! I'm 34 with a 5 year old. I do OLD after I split with my abusive ex of 11 years but I was very avoidant and stopped as didn't think it was fair on the men I was being a shit to. I, also, found I was only attracted to the twats and did the very cliché why can't I find a nice guy thing. But when I did meet a nice guy I found him "boring" 🙄🙄.

I spent 2 years working on myself and whilst I still have issues when I started OLD. I only went for the "nice" guys. Met my partner on pof the first time round OLD and thankfully he gave me another chance.

Whilst OLD is brutal I do think many men (and women) have obvious red flags, which we overlook just because it's better than nothing. I dated maybe 20 guys in the 2 years OLD (didn't shag them before anyone judges 😂😂) and yeah it was hard work!

famousforwrongreason · 26/12/2020 17:52

@Camenon

boyfromthenorthcountry, you're part of the problem I'm afraid, and you're not a 'boy' from anywhere.
Hahaha Nicely done
Solitaryconfinedcat · 26/12/2020 18:26

I've been single two and a half years. Im 37. I really miss being in a relationship but old is awful. Men in relationships wanting casual sex, single men just wanting sex....no one has sparked my soul. I think ill be single forever

Ilovegreentomatoes · 26/12/2020 19:06

I'm in tier 4 so have come of the apps as it seems pointless for now.It was pretty pointless before anyhow so doubt I'll miss it.

LD555 · 26/12/2020 19:18

I think given the restrictions and no doubt more to come in Jan, it’s pointless

DillonPanthersTexas · 26/12/2020 19:41

I also don't understand why there are more normal women than men but definitely true

The thing is, I have sat round a table of blokes who have recounted their OLD experiences and they have presented just as many horror stories, batshit behaviour, weirdos, time wasters, entitled and money grabbing twats that have been described here. 😂

coronaway · 26/12/2020 19:59

OLD is full of nutters, both male and female. Very few normal people on there.

Lovemusic33 · 26/12/2020 20:09

I have been online dating on and off for 5 years, a couple short relationships, one was a complete nutter, leading a double life and became abusive, I’ve found it hard to trust anyone since, have probably been on 100 dates, made a few friends but met a lot of crazy men. I now don’t have the energy for it, it’s hard to find my type, I don’t drink, don’t want someone with small kids and I lead a slightly alternative life, I just haven’t found anyone that ‘wows’ me. I’m almost 39 and have kind of given up, I like being single so it will take someone pretty special to change it, most of the men on dating apps look like potatoes, alcoholics or they have 6 kids by 4 different women.

DillonPanthersTexas · 26/12/2020 20:17

OLD is full of nutters, both male and female. Very few normal people on there

Kind of agree but equally it is quite easy to weed out the afore mentioned nutters. Apart from a handful of crap dates when I first started out most of my dates have been with genuinely interesting people. Sure, there might not have been the romantic connection but the date was not a failure insofar that I spent an evening with someone interesting who could hold a conversation and was good company.

mooncats · 26/12/2020 21:28

I met a really lovely , articulate , drop dead gorgeous , caring man through OLD who was also phenomenal in bed . We dated for a year and it was literally a dream until he dropped me out of the blue due to mental health apparently , and moved on . I'm currently in therapy over it and feel absolutely wrecked emotionally and too scared to try again .