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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone stopped online dating?

180 replies

XmasHollie · 06/12/2020 17:57

It's so boring!! I've deleted my account. anyone else?

OP posts:
Ilovegreentomatoes · 09/12/2020 10:30

Match is rubbish.

Peanutbutterjelly10 · 09/12/2020 10:49

I study psychology and recently learned something that made so much sense! So there's 3 attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and secure. I am anxious.
Anyway avoidants often end up back in the dating pool regularly because of their commitment issues. Secures are very rarely in the pool as they have long term relationships.
Therefore most people are either anxious or avoidant on OLD and these types of people are often drawn to each other. Rarely you will find a secure person on a site and if you do they are likely to find someone quickly.
Hope that makes sense. It helped me see things differently

msrobot · 09/12/2020 11:03

I relate to this thread SO much... and I’m a single woman in my twenties, no kids. I have tried a few apps but ended up deleting them because I felt so hopeless. Every so often I may decide to redownload with an open mind ... but no guy seems interested. I also don’t want to talk to someone who messages something vulgar (I don’t know you? How is this appropriate?)

When I did OLD I also looked at the women on the sites to see what the competition was like and found that there were far more attractive women than men on there.
^ I have done the exact same and completely related!
I’m slim / in shape however my face is below average, and when I saw how many attractive women from my area it made sense why men had such high standards.

BuggerBognor · 09/12/2020 11:14

This reply has been withdrawn

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Sparklfairy · 09/12/2020 11:20

when I saw how many attractive women from my area it made sense why men had such high standards.

It becomes a vicious cycle though doesn't it. Men get the sweet shop mentality that there's plenty of other good looking women, so make no effort and treat them/us badly. I do think though that excessive make up and filters by women mean that men think they're turning up for a date with a supermodel and the reality is much more average so they quickly move on.

I don't even know why I'm on dating apps ATM. I'm in tier 3, and staying at DMs just for some company. The last thing I want is to actually go out and meet someone until we can go somewhere indoors! I swapped numbers with one bloke and he's nice, we chat every day, but I don't know how long it's going to last without meeting or whether by that point we'll have built up an image of each other online that isn't accurate Confused

Meanwhile my nasty controlling ex has managed to find someone since the first lockdown and plastered loved up cringe pictures of them together all over SM, and whilst I feel nothing but sorry for her as she has no idea what he's like, I'll admit it smarts a bit that HE can find someone and I can't! Grin

chillimartini · 09/12/2020 13:37

@FuckThisBullshit I hear you! ❤️

Original poster
XmasHollie · 09/12/2020 14:38

I've got lots of childfree time the last few weeks aswell and did hope to go on a date or 2 but oh well

OP posts:
Isitreally77 · 09/12/2020 15:13

@again2020

I'm not single but I tried online dating for a couple of years in my mid 20s, Guardian soulmates was fab and met some decent men, nothing came of it but they were nice intelligent people and one still occasionally speaks to me as a friend 10 years on. My brother met his 2 last girlfriend's on Bumble (he's 33) and I know another friend who met her fiance on Hinge (at 34).
My hairdresser met her partner on Tinder. I'm on Tinder as she recommended it to me.
Original poster
XmasHollie · 09/12/2020 15:29

I thought tinder was for sex but my mate met a lovely man on there

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 09/12/2020 16:57

What do you think is the point for many of those men online though?

So many of them behave so badly they aren't going to get a woman to have sex with them at all. The few that do manage to meet a real, live actual woman and have enough dates to have sex seem to end up ghosting/dumping her, and then its back to square one.

I have an ex who does this. I used to think the sun shone out of his backside but he dumped me twice and then dumped a woman I know twice as well, for no reason each time - the relationship was going really well and the sex life was great.

He just says he can't do relationships, but he really likes sex so that means he's turned into one of those awful men that shags around, and as he gets older, he's got less discriminate and I wouldn't go near him with a bargepole now. I would have to say his hobby is now actually internet dating but he has no intention of having a long term relationship. It must be such an effort to constantly be looking for his next conquest or thinking about getting rid of his current, a total emotional rollercoaster.

So I wonder what the point is - upsetting a succession of women, losing friends and risking his sexual health versus actually learning to appreciate the qualities of one person to maintain a relationship with - its not very logical, is it? I think he just lives in a perpetual state of avoidant confusion, making panicy decisions, as Peanutbutterjelly upthread points out.

User158340 · 09/12/2020 17:35

@msrobot

I relate to this thread SO much... and I’m a single woman in my twenties, no kids. I have tried a few apps but ended up deleting them because I felt so hopeless. Every so often I may decide to redownload with an open mind ... but no guy seems interested. I also don’t want to talk to someone who messages something vulgar (I don’t know you? How is this appropriate?)

When I did OLD I also looked at the women on the sites to see what the competition was like and found that there were far more attractive women than men on there.
^ I have done the exact same and completely related!
I’m slim / in shape however my face is below average, and when I saw how many attractive women from my area it made sense why men had such high standards.

A lot of women are using filters and applying a lot of make up on these sites.
User158340 · 09/12/2020 17:44

What do you think is the point for many of those men online though?

For the players it's sex and fun and if they're good looking they get all the options so aren't going to commit.

A lot of men on these sites are damaged or have too many issues. Emotional problems, personality disorders, mental health problems etc or struggle to relate to women. They're dysfunctional and simply don't know how to have a functional relationship. Probably had a dysfunctional childhood, lack of a good father figure etc.

BuggerBognor · 09/12/2020 18:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Mumteedum · 09/12/2020 18:47

But if not OLD, what? Just accept being alone?

I know the stuff about most people left in the dating pool being anxious and avoidant but it's so depressing. I really thought my ex and I could work through it.

God I miss my ex so much today it actually physically hurts.Sad

User158340 · 09/12/2020 18:56

But if not OLD, what? Just accept being alone?

Frankly, yes. It's important to accept being alone. A lot of women get into crappy relationships to avoid that fate.

Mumteedum · 09/12/2020 19:05

@User158340

But if not OLD, what? Just accept being alone?

Frankly, yes. It's important to accept being alone. A lot of women get into crappy relationships to avoid that fate.

Well yes,agee it is important not to feel that any relationship is better than no relationship. But I did the work, chose to be single for years..got back on the horse...met a lovely man OLD...and now left heartbroken (he is lovely but big issues) and know that I don't want to accept alone is it for me. But there doesn't seem to be an alternative especially when you're older. But what's there is on offer is just dreadful.
howsicklyarsekissy · 09/12/2020 20:29

Eugh yes me! With men Anyway! the guy I was talking to now divulged he is waiting to have a serious back operation! How selfish to put yourself online dating when you know your not in good health & won't be for a while x

Original poster
XmasHollie · 09/12/2020 20:51

Imagine if some of us on here have spoken to the same men

OP posts:
torquewench · 09/12/2020 21:15

I gave up after a couple of bad experiences - one was a LDR I met via POF, he seemed too good to be true at first, but I found out a couple of months in that while we were out celebrating my birthday (pre covid), he was messaging at least 1 person all night on the app (Id told a friend about him and she was also on POF, she filled me in on what he'd said he'd been doing - out with friends, apparently 🤔. I thought up until then he was lovely. Turned out he'd also been sleeping with someone else's wife for over 5 years.

dilly123 · 09/12/2020 21:25

Kind of did give up.. although kept the apps & would look on them when bored.. rarely replied to any messages because either superficially there was no attraction or they were from unsuitable blokes ie: distance & age.. but built up a bit of a connection with someone lots in common, spoken on the phone & just arranged our 1st date... it's my 1st for about 4 years!!

Nervous but determined to go through with it.. I have zero self confidence.. I'm about a stone heavier than I'm happy with. I'm quite guarded, huge barriers but hopeful it goes ok

torquewench · 09/12/2020 21:30

@xmashollie haha, imagine that, Id love to compare notes about the narcissistic twit. He's been on POF on and off for at least 6 years (tomusr a fishing reference, I can only assume he keeps getting thrown back 🤣), someone should recognise him, hes quite distinctive in that he has long hair and isnt holding a fish in his profile pic 🤣🙈

Original poster
XmasHollie · 09/12/2020 22:02

Im a bumble girl. I think I've been on dates with some man tarts aswell. Weve prob all spoken to them hahaha

OP posts:
torquewench · 09/12/2020 22:41

Also, Id like to know why the man Ive mentioned perseveres with OLDs and LDRs, it seems like a heck of a lot of effort to make just to mess someone around for a couple of months and then ghost them. Although he did actually lie and say hed given up for good when he met me...

Wibble01 · 09/12/2020 22:59

A lot of the attractive women you may see and think are going to attract the men aren't real (in the sense they aren't actively looking to date). In some cases I think its people that have used the site previously /spammers etc.

I think most of the avoidance (and I'll hold my hands up to this) is not wanting to make the same mistakes again. I missed so many red flags with my ex wife and am now reluctant to give a potential partner the benefit of the doubt if I see behaviours I'm not sure about. Everyone talks of doing it on their terms but obviously it has to be a compromise which I think is where it falls down.

Isitreally77 · 10/12/2020 08:06

Well a bit of a shock on Tuesday. The guy I mentioned in my first post, who I thought had ghosted me, sent me a message.Shock He was explaining what was going on (he has some serious issues to do with his children and ex to deal with which he had mentioned before). Well he also said he will be back once he sorts himself out. Who knows but at least he had the decency to message in the end.