I need to end it with someone lovely :( How?When?! (waffly)!

[Outbutnotproud]

I've been seeing her since the end of August (ish).

I like to take things slow and obviously covid hasn't helped.

In mid-Aug we'd had 3 dates and she literally begged me to go official, I relented but I didn't like it.

She is so kind, generous and personable. (My most recent ex was an awful person and this is so nice to have)!

She's gorgeous-couldn't be much more my 'type' physically if she tried.

I feel so guilty because she is just so lovely.

The issues are (and this is going to sound SO bad)!

I think we're too far apart intellect and culture wise.

Examples;

I mentioned I was reading something about FGM, she's never heard of it. I mentioned it again a few weeks later and she still claimed to have never heard of it.

'This is a bit melodramatic isn't it!' (while watching TV) didn't know what melodramatic meant.

Didn't know what articulate meant-tells me to stop using 'big words'.

Our financial situations are very different but I won't go into that. I would prefer someone on/close to my level though-is that bad?

She is great at a lot of things I am not and I like being with her. But I don't know-I'm interested in academic subjects and have two degrees-she left school without GCSEs at 15-it shouldn't matter and I am sure doesn't in some cases but in this one, I feel like it does :(

I want to be able to discuss things with her and not have to keep stopping to explain what things mean.

I want someone who's interested in me as a person, she can't be because, a lot about me, she'll never understand?

Her friends are a bit much for me too.

It just doesn't feel right. I don't feel I can fully engage with her as a person because of it.

There are other issues. She is very close to her large family. She lives 2 hours from me and I couldn't ask her to relocate at any point. I don't want to either, but I definitely don't want a long distance thing.

Sex. I've tried guiding her and tried telling her what I like/don't like.

I've listened to hers and I am sure I've pleased her as much as possible. She's hurt me nearly every time :( she just isn't getting it and she really cannot fully excite me, just not enough foreplay and not confident enough.

I am awful, aren't I. I don't want to hurt her, she's lovely.

She is SO happy with me, and I think she thinks all is great and she definitely doesn't see the above issues as a problem. She seems to think that we both like one another and are attracted to one another and that's all that's required.

Am I wrong?

How can I finish with her at Xmas sort of time-should I wait?

She has mentioned she felt suicidal after her last LTR ended too. How is best to do it? Phone? In person? I genuinely feel awful.

If these things matter to you then that's all you need to consider.

It's not going to work out long term any way by the sounds of it so i'd do it sooner rather than later and don't let her previous suicidal feelings cloud your judgement, you'll only end up resenting her if you stay put for that reason.

Just my personal opinion but I'd do it in person, something about over the phone doesn't sit right with me.

Those reasons seem fine actually, not that you need any reason other than you're not into the relationship. I would do it in the next couple of days, don't wait till after Christmas. Nobody wants an unwilling bf for Christmas. If you've been seeing each other for little more than three months then the sooner the better.

Her mental health is her responsibility, obviously make sure she is okay in the short term though, during the break up etc. I don't know how you should do it though.... Phone will probably be a good way?

I was in a similar situation in my first relationship and stuck it out for 9 months when I knew we weren't compatible. It was Christmas then it was New Year then birthdays then Valentines Day. There's never a good time so best to take the bull by the horns. Be kind. To be honest, the relationship won't be good for her either if you're just not in the same place. She just hasn't realised it yet.

You're not being horrible, we all have our requirements or boxes that need ticking to fully commit to a relationship. Don't feel bad that although she is a lovely person that that isn't enough to keep you in this. Staying would be wrong on both of you in the long run, so I'd think about telling her sooner rather then later. I don't know if I'd go real in depth when you tell her but I would defo tell her in person as it's more sincere I believe. We aren't all going to fit and unfortunately that is the case here.

I agree with the reply by PinGwyn.
Things don’t feel right to you for a number of reasons and you can’t see it going anywhere. Be kind but firm and speak in person and do it ASAP. Don’t let things go on any closer to Christmas.
Hopefully she has got a good support network around her who will be there to help her (you mentioned a large family nearby).

Leave for whatever reason you choose but you come across as massively condescending, as if you think you're hugely better than her :/

Thank you all. I feel terrible-I've been hurt a lot in the past and now I am doing it to someone else. I think (in the nicest possible way) she is too simple as a person to realise the differences matter. I will stress that I'll always be there for her as a friend if she wants, but I just can't carry on being her girlfriend. I don't know how she'll react.

I think your reasoning is valid and her reaction shouldn’t stop you from ending things. But I think if you want to be as gentle as possible and she asks why, just say it’s a distance thing perhaps? Or just that you’re not ready for a relationship.

gnome do I? I don't feel that way at all. I think I may cite the distance-I want her to be happy and all the above is a problem to me but obviously not to her. She does feel terrible about always hurting me during sex, though. But continues to do the same things.

You are massively over thinking this. It’s been a short term relationship /m- it’s not working for you and that’s fine so just end it sooner rather then later

Break up in person ! And don’t bloody start listing all these reasons to her when you do split up - it’s a bit much and she’ll likely hear it as she’s a bit dim and Essentially you think she’s not smart enough for you etc

Don’t start banging on about let’s stay friends either - it’s probably not a great idea - if it happens it happens but I wouldn’t push it

Heya I massively overthink a lot of things!
I will do it in person I think-but that will involve an overnight stay etc-so do I just do it as I leave?

I don't think she is dim at all-just totally different to me and I find her difficult to understand. She does me, too but doesn't think it matters.

Also if I break up in person I can't do it for a while, have to wait until we're both off work etc.

OP don't offer friendship and always being there for her... You'll have her thinking she's still in with a chance. Make it a clean break and wish her well.

I wouldn't go and stay overnight, and then tell her as you leave.

I personally think you're best doing it over the phone, due to distance, her being upset and manipulation for you to stay.
If there are threats of suicide, don't get involved. It's an unfair thing to say. Guilt tripping is very selfish.

I do understand the reasons for you feeling as you do need to be on par intellectually, and in life goals and achievements.

If she hurts you during sex, well that's not acceptable, especially as it happens regularly.

Hope it all goes OK. All the best.

If you’ve only been together I’d call her to end it as there is no point dragging things out and allowing her to become more attached. It also gives her more time to make arrangements for Christmas Day if you had been planning on spending it together. I would never normally advocate for a phone call to end a relationship but given the current restrictions in place and your work commitments I’d consider a call.

Please don't tell her any of these reasons apart from the distance issue. It will really hurt her and knock her confidence. Your reasons are your reasons and I do think you're being slightly judgmental with the education part, but if that makes something not work for you then it is what it is and whether you do or don't want to stay in a relationship is a personal thing for you. Just please don't tell her it's because she's on a different "level" education wise. That would be extremely unkind.

Beanie as I've said I don't mind about the education generally, never have in the past-It's more that she just doesn't understand anything I am passionate about or interested in and has no interest in it herself, she'd never talk to me about any of it.

Similarly, I don't understand her side of things either). I've found it difficult to not be insulted when she has felt she has complimented me, too!

I'd never mention about the education thing regardless, it isn't the crux of it. I am just not feeling happy. I am quite disappointed about this situation.

Maybe you could write her a proper letter. then you can explain all your thoughts to her, then she can take time to digest everything. But make it clear that you wan't to part with her, despite knowing she will be upset, these things happen sadly.

I've considered that, 1forAll. I wasn't sure as she really hates reading. It was the first way I thought of.

Not a letter! Say it’s not working and for you there’s not enough common ground. She will have to be upset etc to move on- I’m afraid you can’t manage that for her and trying to give her a logical rationale is not going to help. Let her figure out her own story and don’t say things that will leave her hurting. And do it soon- in person and briefly if you possibly can, even if it means two long journeys in a day.

A phone call as soon as possible. Doing when leaving from an overnight stay is cruel.

You can break up for any reason you like but I do think this is a great example of 'it's not you, it's me'.

Agree - a phone call as soon as possible. Do it today OP. The two of you aren’t compatible. Maybe emphasise the distance reason so you don’t hurt her feelings. But the sooner the better, so you don’t spoil her Christmas.

Just call today. Have some notes next to you. Just do it. The relationship isn't right for you and that's fine. Next time don't be bullied getting into this in the first place. You can't do it in person as you live too far away. A phone call is absolutely fine.

All those reasons are valid to you and you simply aren't compatible. You're not being horrible. Being horrible would be stringing the poor woman along for months and months and making her think you felt the same. If you can't see her in person, end it in a phone call today. But as PP have said, blame it on the distance, not her!

Phone her as soon as possible then it's not doing it 'over Christmas' and you won't get caught in the trap of having to wait a decent length of time after.

Don't tell her why and definitely do not offer friendship. Just say that things are not working out, use the distance if needs be.

Also do it soon. By phone today. It is never nice but it needs to be done and the sooner the better.