I need to end it with someone lovely :( How?When?! (waffly)!

[Outbutnotproud]

I've been seeing her since the end of August (ish).

I like to take things slow and obviously covid hasn't helped.

In mid-Aug we'd had 3 dates and she literally begged me to go official, I relented but I didn't like it.

She is so kind, generous and personable. (My most recent ex was an awful person and this is so nice to have)!

She's gorgeous-couldn't be much more my 'type' physically if she tried.

I feel so guilty because she is just so lovely.

The issues are (and this is going to sound SO bad)!

I think we're too far apart intellect and culture wise.

Examples;

I mentioned I was reading something about FGM, she's never heard of it. I mentioned it again a few weeks later and she still claimed to have never heard of it.

'This is a bit melodramatic isn't it!' (while watching TV) didn't know what melodramatic meant.

Didn't know what articulate meant-tells me to stop using 'big words'.

Our financial situations are very different but I won't go into that. I would prefer someone on/close to my level though-is that bad?

She is great at a lot of things I am not and I like being with her. But I don't know-I'm interested in academic subjects and have two degrees-she left school without GCSEs at 15-it shouldn't matter and I am sure doesn't in some cases but in this one, I feel like it does :(

I want to be able to discuss things with her and not have to keep stopping to explain what things mean.

I want someone who's interested in me as a person, she can't be because, a lot about me, she'll never understand?

Her friends are a bit much for me too.

It just doesn't feel right. I don't feel I can fully engage with her as a person because of it.

There are other issues. She is very close to her large family. She lives 2 hours from me and I couldn't ask her to relocate at any point. I don't want to either, but I definitely don't want a long distance thing.

Sex. I've tried guiding her and tried telling her what I like/don't like.

I've listened to hers and I am sure I've pleased her as much as possible. She's hurt me nearly every time :( she just isn't getting it and she really cannot fully excite me, just not enough foreplay and not confident enough.

I am awful, aren't I. I don't want to hurt her, she's lovely.

She is SO happy with me, and I think she thinks all is great and she definitely doesn't see the above issues as a problem. She seems to think that we both like one another and are attracted to one another and that's all that's required.

Am I wrong?

How can I finish with her at Xmas sort of time-should I wait?

She has mentioned she felt suicidal after her last LTR ended too. How is best to do it? Phone? In person? I genuinely feel awful.

*she is

I've only just read through the thread, but I do think you've done the right thing. The sex thing alone is a huge reason to end it. Compatibility between partners in all areas is what makes them partners - right?

Fwiw OP I don't think you sound condescending or patronising, I'm glad you got it over with, you did the right thing. It was not nice to read about hurting you during sex despite the fact you had brought this up.
The photo of her crying..bloody hell, you've had a lucky escape. Onwards and upwards, you'll find someone, you sound lovely.

Good grief, the crying photo! Is she 12?

For sanity’s sake please block her now.

She sounds like a bloody nightmare OP. Good decision. Very manipulative behaviour by her.

She sent a photo of her crying!? Dear god. You've done the right thing, would have been unkind to wait until seeing her in person.

She's not lovely; she's manipulative.

If you'd not ended it now you'd have been here in a few months asking about red flags.

Lucky escape. Dial down contact now until you can stop speaking to her all together.

Prepare for her to turn up on your doorstep.

I think being an intellectual match conversationally is absolutely critical in a relationship.

There is no substitute for it.

You don't have to be a match academically IMO, but definitely being able to converse and challenge each other is so important in a long term relationship.

The crying photo is so incredibly manipulative and not something a genuinely 'lovely' person would do IMO.

Have you cut contact? I really would as it will be better for everyone involved including her, otherwise she'll keep trying tactics to guilt trip you.

At the risk of sounding like an echo, she is NOT a lovely person. She is pathetic, manipulative and childish. Delete and block!

So I’m not sure that either approach is correct. You need to have a bit of both... but long term I think physical compatibility is more important.

I definitely didn't have this. She was very affectionate and tactile which I loved, but I just couldn't see the sex getting better. We'd done it many times by the point I ended it and it wasn't getting any better.

it's possible to find both things in one partner if you look hard enough I really hope so. It was disappointing for me with her because she'd take my breath away looks wise!

it's possible to find both things in one partner if you look hard enough I hope so! I am getting a bit disheartened at my age now.

I didn't find your OP condescending at all. It wouldn't have been particularly pleasant to let her know these reasons in detail (the intellectual incompatibility) but it is fine for them to be your reasons and to explain them here. I wouldn't have ever said anything I thought she may be hurt by, honestly I am not horrible and I liked her a lot.

For instance, she obviously liked you and wanted to secure the relationship but she should have known to wait longer than a few dates when you weren't instantly in accordance. I think most adults would understand that this approach is more appropriate and likely to be successful in the long run than pushing for what she wanted immediately. She said she just did it because she liked me a lot!

Simplyunacceptable I had one of those too. I thought he was more intelligent than me!Because of the way he was so different to me-now I realise it was the opposite.

biblio I have to say, you do sound judgemental and a tad patronising. Obviously, if you cannot feel a connection then be honest with her ASAP, but maybe work out what you are looking for more prosaically so you don’t waste people’s time in the future and have them get emotions involved. That’s cruel.

I feel so bad abnout this. I am going to be so cautious next time I date, IF I do.
I just got to the point where I knew she wasn't listening to what I wanted in bed and was doing things id told her didn't work and not doing things I'd told her did-I didn't understand that.

She'd hurt me and I'd have to make her stop and it would take me ages until I was no longer too tender to try again-I am not usually like that. :(

The distance bothered me more than anything but I guess if I felt we really clicked I'd have been able to overcome that.

was surprised when you said she was late 30s since she doesn’t seem to have learnt the very basic lesson that you can’t force someone to love you. It’s also a bit shocking that she never learnt not to hurt you during sex. Anyway, you’ve done the right thing.

Thank you.
I do feel awful-but I couldn't put my finger on why I found her immature, I just did. Maybe I am just boring :(

Plus, if you had been telling us it was a man who hurt you every time you had sex and didn't stop doing whatever it was, everyone would be up in arms Maybe you're right! I really like sex and I really struggled with that.

have to say, I appreciated him doing it by phone as opposed to face to face. I was able to act like it was completely ok, even though I'm sure my face would have said otherwise and we didn't have to have any awkward goodbyes (been there and done that and was awful!). Thanks sunshine I feel that was it the other way around, I would prefer phone too for those reasons.

I still feel bad, all. Appreciate your replies. I really, genuinely hope she finds happiness-she mentioned exes have walked all over her and I can see why as she was very giving. I did speak to her about this when we were together.

I think you have to be completely honest. Otherwise it won’t add up for her and that wouldn’t be fair as she will go over and over things in her mind wondering what went wrong. So along the lines of ‘we aren’t compatible sexually, culturally etc’. Perhaps leave out intellectually or reframe as wanting different things, goals, ambitions..

She'd hurt me and I'd have to make her stop and it would take me ages until I was no longer too tender to try again-I am not usually like that

If that happened more than once, which you know it did, it’s CLEAR she’s not a nice or lovely person

Far from it.

Her manipulation attempts now, the photo and the woe is me is NOT the mark of a ‘lovely person’

This is what my ex turned out like

He was abusive and it got a LOT worse.

Stop feeling bad! You’ll end up in a horrifically abusive relationship that way! Take this as a massive wake up call!

Block her now, cut all contact and stop worrying about if she is hurting or not.

She never gave a second thought about physically hurting you, did she.

In mid-Aug we'd had 3 dates and she literally begged me to go official, I relented but I didn't like it.

For reference ^ this was exactly when you should have ended it.

She’s apparently gorgeous and yet she begged you?

Ask yourself why she wasn’t already in a good relationship? Because good boundaried people wouldn’t give her the time of day.

Awww she sounds lovely. No advice really but I do feel sorry for her.

@todayIdrankmilk

Awww she sounds lovely. No advice really but I do feel sorry for her.

She kept hurting OP during sex by doing things OP said were painful and not trying to do things differently. That's not lovely, though she does sound troubled and obviously that's sad. And the photo of her crying was very manipulative. I think OP sounds really lovely!

I didn't mean that hurting the op during sex was lovely. Obvs that's not good.
Maybe the ex gf needs some kind of a confidence boost.

Thank you all. This thread really has helped me. I am uncertain about that MzHz just because being lesbians I guess, she is gorgeous to me and many others of 'my type' but the pool is inevitably smaller?

Thank you yougegottenminutes :) I haven't ever set out to hurt anyone and I found this incredibly hard! The distance did bother me a lot, aside from any other details. I am crossing my legs thinking about the sex though-she was just, I think fixated on what had worked on other people maybe?

@todayIdrankmilk

I didn't mean that hurting the op during sex was lovely. Obvs that's not good. Maybe the ex gf needs some kind of a confidence boost.

You know what you're right. Everyone I know with low self esteem hurts people during sex, doesn't change what they do when they know that it is hurting the recipient and takes pictures of themselves crying to manipulate others to do what they want. It's all about being low in confidence and NOT being a bit of an arsehole. Right. 😕

@todayIdrankmilk

Awww she sounds lovely. No advice really but I do feel sorry for her.

Such a prick. Seriously

@Outbutnotproud

Thank you all. This thread really has helped me. I am uncertain about that MzHz just because being lesbians I guess, she is gorgeous to me and many others of 'my type' but the pool is inevitably smaller?

Thank you yougegottenminutes :) I haven't ever set out to hurt anyone and I found this incredibly hard! The distance did bother me a lot, aside from any other details. I am crossing my legs thinking about the sex though-she was just, I think fixated on what had worked on other people maybe?

I understand

But seriously, she knows the scene as well as you do.

And you’re not deliberately hurting her, you’re stating your boundaries, she’s ignoring them and you aren’t happy with the way things are.

The only reason she’s kicking off is that she’s throwing a tantrum because she wants you to do what she wants you to do and doesn’t care about your thoughts on the matter

Thank you. She has asked me to visit her because she has got me a present for my birthday (which is in the next few weeks). The travelling to see one another was exhausting me, which is one of or perhaps my main reason or ending it. I don't want to do that. I feel mean. It's odd what you say-she presents as so lovely and her family all call her the soft one out of them all.

@Outbutnotproud

Thank you. She has asked me to visit her because she has got me a present for my birthday (which is in the next few weeks). The travelling to see one another was exhausting me, which is one of or perhaps my main reason or ending it. I don't want to do that. I feel mean. It's odd what you say-she presents as so lovely and her family all call her the soft one out of them all.

I'm bisexual and sometimes get frustrated at how differently male / female relationships are viewed.

If a woman told a man that the way he touched her during sex caused her pain, explained how to do it in a way that didn't hurt her and he continued to do it the way that hurt her, every time, people would view it as sexual violence. Do not do yourself the disservice of minimising that just because she is female too.

Likewise the crying picture - if a man sent that to a woman people would be more accepting of it being chilling and manipulative than if it was a woman.

I'm not talking about on this thread as almost everyone has been great, but I'm saying directly to you - regardless of their sex, nobody has the right to hurt someone else physically during sex (or ever) or manipulate them into a relationship.

She's not your friend, she's a woman you dated for a while who hurt you and was manipulative - and you didn't feel an intellectual connection with her.

She's not your friend.

Have you blocked her now? I think it's really important that you do.

youvegottenminuteslynn no I haven't, I didn't see it as necessary but perhaps I am wrong.

I've learned about 'love bombing' recently and it seems her overt displays of buying me (expensive) presents seems to be corroborative of something like that. It's sad.

@Outbutnotproud

youvegottenminuteslynn no I haven't, I didn't see it as necessary but perhaps I am wrong.

I've learned about 'love bombing' recently and it seems her overt displays of buying me (expensive) presents seems to be corroborative of something like that. It's sad.

She was trying to make you feel like you couldn't break up with her. It's that simple. It doesn't matter if she did it consciously or subconsciously, the manipulation is real.

Saying things that make you feel guilty eg that she's never felt this way before, don't know what I'd do without you etc

Buying you expensive gifts - but I did THIS for you, I'm so good to you

Guilt tripping you - look how much YOU made me cry, here's a picture

She is a classic, common garden variety manipulator.

I think it's really important you block her because this will escalate and either make you incredibly anxious or wear your down. Next will be that she's so upset, worried she might hurt herself or do something silly and can you please just come over, then when you're there she'll need a hug, then she'll need you to stay over, then she'll need you to be in the bed with her because she's so sad, ok you can leave but please just say it's not 100% over or she can't cope etc etc

Mine was a guy ex but can you tell ive had one of these before?!

Block.