I need to end it with someone lovely :( How?When?! (waffly)!

[Outbutnotproud]

I've been seeing her since the end of August (ish).

I like to take things slow and obviously covid hasn't helped.

In mid-Aug we'd had 3 dates and she literally begged me to go official, I relented but I didn't like it.

She is so kind, generous and personable. (My most recent ex was an awful person and this is so nice to have)!

She's gorgeous-couldn't be much more my 'type' physically if she tried.

I feel so guilty because she is just so lovely.

The issues are (and this is going to sound SO bad)!

I think we're too far apart intellect and culture wise.

Examples;

I mentioned I was reading something about FGM, she's never heard of it. I mentioned it again a few weeks later and she still claimed to have never heard of it.

'This is a bit melodramatic isn't it!' (while watching TV) didn't know what melodramatic meant.

Didn't know what articulate meant-tells me to stop using 'big words'.

Our financial situations are very different but I won't go into that. I would prefer someone on/close to my level though-is that bad?

She is great at a lot of things I am not and I like being with her. But I don't know-I'm interested in academic subjects and have two degrees-she left school without GCSEs at 15-it shouldn't matter and I am sure doesn't in some cases but in this one, I feel like it does :(

I want to be able to discuss things with her and not have to keep stopping to explain what things mean.

I want someone who's interested in me as a person, she can't be because, a lot about me, she'll never understand?

Her friends are a bit much for me too.

It just doesn't feel right. I don't feel I can fully engage with her as a person because of it.

There are other issues. She is very close to her large family. She lives 2 hours from me and I couldn't ask her to relocate at any point. I don't want to either, but I definitely don't want a long distance thing.

Sex. I've tried guiding her and tried telling her what I like/don't like.

I've listened to hers and I am sure I've pleased her as much as possible. She's hurt me nearly every time :( she just isn't getting it and she really cannot fully excite me, just not enough foreplay and not confident enough.

I am awful, aren't I. I don't want to hurt her, she's lovely.

She is SO happy with me, and I think she thinks all is great and she definitely doesn't see the above issues as a problem. She seems to think that we both like one another and are attracted to one another and that's all that's required.

Am I wrong?

How can I finish with her at Xmas sort of time-should I wait?

She has mentioned she felt suicidal after her last LTR ended too. How is best to do it? Phone? In person? I genuinely feel awful.

To be honest I think a lot of people can and do! It’s called settling, I suppose. But realistically you’ll never find someone that’s 100% perfect, so you’ll have to swallow your pride and compromise somewhere. Some people are happy with that as long as their relationship works in other ways.

could you really be happy with someone who didn't know or have any interest in knowing, things that are important to you?
I thought this was important to me so I married someone reasonably educated who understood me when I spoke about intellectual matters. Several years have passed and truthfully I just want to shag someone hot even if he has cotton wool inside his head. But then again, my Dad is very educated and he admitted he married my Mum for her looks then divorced her when he just couldn’t cope with her being so dumb any more. So I’m not sure that either approach is correct. You need to have a bit of both... but long term I think physical compatibility is more important.

@AnnnaBananna

could you really be happy with someone who didn't know or have any interest in knowing, things that are important to you? I thought this was important to me so I married someone reasonably educated who understood me when I spoke about intellectual matters. Several years have passed and truthfully I just want to shag someone hot even if he has cotton wool inside his head. But then again, my Dad is very educated and he admitted he married my Mum for her looks then divorced her when he just couldn’t cope with her being so dumb any more. So I’m not sure that either approach is correct. You need to have a bit of both... but long term I think physical compatibility is more important.

My ex husband is intelligent but uneducated and we were completely unable to comprehend each other on anything significant. We had great sex though, to the day we split up and for quite a while after. I don't recommend marrying someone you aren't on the same wavelength as intellectually but equally you have to fancy them... it's possible to find both things in one partner if you look hard enough

I don't think you have done anything wrong, don't best yourself up. I'm sorry but to not know what FGM is and not even be willing to read a letter because she hates reading? That's pretty ignorant and a massive turn off.

Well done for doing the right thing, for both your sakes.

OP you did the right thing. And I don't think you sound condescending at all. It's perfectly valid to break up with someone for not having enough in common! That's basically what it boils down to.

If you'd written this about a guy, people would be saying the financial difference is a red flag and he's going to turn into a cocklodger. Actually, most of what you wrote would be a red flag...

You've done the right thing. Don't feel guilty.

I didn't find your OP condescending at all. It wouldn't have been particularly pleasant to let her know these reasons in detail (the intellectual incompatibility) but it is fine for them to be your reasons and to explain them here.

It is so important to be able to talk in depth about matters that interest you both. Obviously it's unlikely that there will be 100% crossover but you need some interest or common ground.

I think the immaturity references weren't about her education levels or responsibilities outside the relationship but more the fact that she didn't seem able to manage her emotional responses to a level that was comfortable to you.

For instance, she obviously liked you and wanted to secure the relationship but she should have known to wait longer than a few dates when you weren't instantly in accordance. I think most adults would understand that this approach is more appropriate and likely to be successful in the long run than pushing for what she wanted immediately.

Also, tbh, in responding badly to being dumped (I am assuming you were nice about it and didn't humiliate her or perform a character assassination!) after a short relationship. Its never nice and short relationships are tough to get over but then, you have given it a chance and are ending things as it's not right for you. You haven't made any big promises such as engagement or left her her with kids and no career. It is a situation you have to suck up, really, in the course of dating. I think most people would try and accept it with dignity.

Well done though for doing the right thing for both you and her.

My first real boyfriend was like this. He was slightly older than me and I thought he was gorgeous and seriously cool at the time. When I went to uni about two years into our relationship I realised how little we actually had in common and it just put me off him. He wasn’t very intelligent and not just because he’d left school without GCSEs (I have since met some very intelligent and capable people who don’t have GCSEs) but more to do with the fact he had very little interest in current affairs, politics, religion etc. I would attempt to converse with him and found he didn’t have a clue what I was talking about, he’d often just nod and say what he thought I wanted to hear. He didn’t like the films I enjoyed, he was more Batman than Coen brothers and I just realised we weren’t compatible.

I have since looked him up and he works in a vape shop, still doesn’t drive (posts about driving lessons) and still loves Batman and gaming. We have nothing in common at all, I made the right call leaving him.

Well done mate, I know it feels horrible to hurt someone but it wouldn't have got any easier the longer it went on.

It sounds like she has some good friends so let her lean on them for support, don't feel you have to be the one to help her feel better.

The worst parts over now and you'll feel relieved soon.

Not a letter. I agree you're not compatible. Don't go into reasons that she hadn't heard of stuff and doesn't know the meaning of big words. That would be beyond awful. You need to say it just doesn't feel right. And the distance makes it harder.

Greenlandthemovie

'Different things are important to different people, but this I'm interested in academic subjects and have two degrees-she left school without GCSEs at 15 would definatley be enough for me on its own. But I probably wouldn't have dated someone so different educationally in the first place. Its just not for me'

Would you mind saying why you feel that way? I've obviously struggled to articulate why without sounding like I have a superiority complex, and I really don't feel I do.

Ff I do, and I'm mistaken I'd also like to know!

Thankyou yellow

I didn't mention anything to do with intellect. I said the distance was too much for me in the main, and that I didn't feel we were compatible.

@GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy

Leave for whatever reason you choose but you come across as massively condescending, as if you think you're hugely better than her :/

I disagree. There are valid reasons why you have begun to think you are not suited in the long-term, that doesn't mean you don't like her.

What happened when you ended it? How did you do it in the end?

jolly I said the distance was getting to me which it is.. She sent me a photo of her crying. I felt so bad and still do. I never want to hurt anyone and she is a lovely person.

She sent you a photo of herself crying?! What an odd thing to do.

'Look what you've done to me'.

Yes. I think that's the emotional immaturity that's been mentioned before.

She sounds cut up but the photo is very babyish and attention seeking. I would consider this closed and not engage in any more comms.

Fwiw you did the right thing and your reasons were valid. I couldn't be with someone where there was that big an intellect gap.
You shouldnt feel bad, you did the kindest thing as you've saved her a lot of wasted time and she is now free to meet someone who can make her happy long term, does think she's amazing and will value her. Etc.

I think this is such a shame in many ways. Sometimes it takes time to work out sexual comparability, sometimes there is a dichotomy in education, but finding a genuinely decent, kind and generous person can overcome those issues. I have three degrees and my husband left school with no exams - he avoided going as was so badly bullied - but we work out fine. I have intellectually stimulating conversation with colleagues and a couple of close friends. I know my husband discusses his main (very niche) hobby with friends, I simply cannot find the energy for the minutiae of it. We love and respect each other and accept each other, there is nobody who could treat me better than he does.
I have to say, you do sound judgemental and a tad patronising. Obviously, if you cannot feel a connection then be honest with her ASAP, but maybe work out what you are looking for more prosaically so you don’t waste people’s time in the future and have them get emotions involved. That’s cruel.

@BiblioX

Wow! That was a whole lot of judgement from you wasn't it? You do know that people are allowed to break up with others for any reason they want to?, Wanting someone who is intellectually able to take part in a conversation is not asking a lot I don't have degrees, I am not educated to a high level but I have the emotional intelligence not to write a backhanded nasty comment like yours. You are compatible with your husband. Why do you feel the need to jusrify it? Your husband not having higher education does not make him stupid, why do you infer it does?

You can't be bothered learning about your husband's hobby because it bores you, which is fine by the way and think being hurt by sex is just "taking time to work out sexual chemistry". You might be intellectually intelligent but you really shouldn't be lecturing people on what is important when it seems maybe you don't understand it yourself.

Dear OP - you keep referring to her as a lovely person. I’m sure she has some lovely characteristics but the emotional manipulation is not lovely at all. I was surprised when you said she was late 30s since she doesn’t seem to have learnt the very basic lesson that you can’t force someone to love you. It’s also a bit shocking that she never learnt not to hurt you during sex. Anyway, you’ve done the right thing.

She sent you a photo of her crying? Hopefully this will stop any guilt you are feeling!

You are allowed to end any relationship whenever you like, remember.

Also, please dont' tell her you will remain friends. I think it would be best for you to stay away from her. She sounds highly manipulative. She pushed you into going official, ignores your concerns and then tries to emotionally blackmail you when you end it. Not good.

Plus, if you had been telling us it was a man who hurt you every time you had sex and didn't stop doing whatever it was, everyone would be up in arms .

Have a happy Christmas being free

@BiblioX

I think this is such a shame in many ways. Sometimes it takes time to work out sexual comparability, sometimes there is a dichotomy in education, but finding a genuinely decent, kind and generous person can overcome those issues. I have three degrees and my husband left school with no exams - he avoided going as was so badly bullied - but we work out fine. I have intellectually stimulating conversation with colleagues and a couple of close friends. I know my husband discusses his main (very niche) hobby with friends, I simply cannot find the energy for the minutiae of it. We love and respect each other and accept each other, there is nobody who could treat me better than he does. I have to say, you do sound judgemental and a tad patronising. Obviously, if you cannot feel a connection then be honest with her ASAP, but maybe work out what you are looking for more prosaically so you don’t waste people’s time in the future and have them get emotions involved. That’s cruel.

Bollocks to this. It's emotional manipulation, projection and judgement.

I haven't read past page one but I was seeing someone about 18 months ago who I liked a lot. The sex was great and I fancied him and we had fun together but one day, after being a little quieter than usual for a few days, he rang me and broke it off.
Different reasons (I had made it clear that I didn't want marriage or anything but expected monogamy and he had different thoughts) but I have to say, I appreciated him doing it by phone as opposed to face to face. I was able to act like it was completely ok, even though I'm sure my face would have said otherwise and we didn't have to have any awkward goodbyes (been there and done that and was awful!).
He offered friendship but I declined and then within a few days I had met my bf and we have been together 16 months. I wouldn't have met him if the other guy hadn't have called things off and I knew deep down it was never going to be the love affair of my life.

So basically, I would advise a phone call. My guy did text first to ask if we could talk so I kind of guessed what was coming.

As for reasons, the distance thing seems like as good a one as any. You like spending time with her but think you'll both agree that it's not enough for the distance.

Ah, you've already done it! Well done and I think it's natural to feel a bit crap, its what makes us human. Sending you a photo of her crying though? That's weird and manipulative and I think you are well rid. Enjoy your Christmas.

You did the right thing. I was in a relationship years ago and finished it and he is now happily engaged to a lady who lives him.

The crying photo confirms that the is indeed manipulative. You've dodged a bullet.