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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need to end it with someone lovely :( How?When?! (waffly)!

147 replies

Outbutnotproud · 06/12/2020 00:43

I've been seeing her since the end of August (ish).

I like to take things slow and obviously covid hasn't helped.

In mid-Aug we'd had 3 dates and she literally begged me to go official, I relented but I didn't like it.

She is so kind, generous and personable. (My most recent ex was an awful person and this is so nice to have)!

She's gorgeous-couldn't be much more my 'type' physically if she tried.

I feel so guilty because she is just so lovely.

The issues are (and this is going to sound SO bad)!

I think we're too far apart intellect and culture wise.

Examples;

I mentioned I was reading something about FGM, she's never heard of it. I mentioned it again a few weeks later and she still claimed to have never heard of it.

'This is a bit melodramatic isn't it!' (while watching TV) didn't know what melodramatic meant.

Didn't know what articulate meant-tells me to stop using 'big words'.

Our financial situations are very different but I won't go into that. I would prefer someone on/close to my level though-is that bad?

She is great at a lot of things I am not and I like being with her. But I don't know-I'm interested in academic subjects and have two degrees-she left school without GCSEs at 15-it shouldn't matter and I am sure doesn't in some cases but in this one, I feel like it does :(

I want to be able to discuss things with her and not have to keep stopping to explain what things mean.

I want someone who's interested in me as a person, she can't be because, a lot about me, she'll never understand?

Her friends are a bit much for me too.

It just doesn't feel right. I don't feel I can fully engage with her as a person because of it.

There are other issues. She is very close to her large family. She lives 2 hours from me and I couldn't ask her to relocate at any point. I don't want to either, but I definitely don't want a long distance thing.

Sex. I've tried guiding her and tried telling her what I like/don't like.

I've listened to hers and I am sure I've pleased her as much as possible. She's hurt me nearly every time :( she just isn't getting it and she really cannot fully excite me, just not enough foreplay and not confident enough.

I am awful, aren't I. I don't want to hurt her, she's lovely.

She is SO happy with me, and I think she thinks all is great and she definitely doesn't see the above issues as a problem. She seems to think that we both like one another and are attracted to one another and that's all that's required.

Am I wrong?

How can I finish with her at Xmas sort of time-should I wait?

She has mentioned she felt suicidal after her last LTR ended too. How is best to do it? Phone? In person? I genuinely feel awful.

OP posts:
Lollyneenah · 06/12/2020 10:21

Oh dear, it seems like you got a bit bowled over by her looks and ignored everything else.
I've done it too and honestly was so embarrassed by how shallow I had been. Went out with a chap who looked like a Greek god, very kind and sweet but holy fuck it was like pulling teeth trying to talk about anything with him.
Break up with her over the phone, be prepared for lots of memes directed at you via facebook and mark it down as a lesson learnt.

Dery · 06/12/2020 10:22

“Just call her. Tell her that you think she is lovely but long term, you don't think the two of you are suited. That's what dating is for - getting to know someone better to see if they are right for you. You have and she isn't.”

This. Don’t rely on the distance as the reason - she might decide to move closer. You’re not feeling it. It’s as simple as that. Tell her that. It’s no-one’s fault - it’s just what it is.

And as one PP said - she isn’t lovely - she’s into emotional blackmail. She sounds rather young and doesn’t seem to understand that you can’t make someone be with you - it has to be voluntary.

And you can’t be friends. She needs to get over you. You can’t help her with that.

Dery · 06/12/2020 10:25

And tell her now. She needs to start getting over you now. Not go through Xmas thinking she’s in a relationship when you’re already looking to leave it. That’s just daft. If you finish after Xmas, it’ll give the lie to the time spent together over Xmas.

custardbear · 06/12/2020 10:28

In all honesty it sounds like you're doing it for the right reasons, No point in staying with someone because they're pretty and nice, that's superficial, you need a woman of substance and she doesn't do it for you.

Don't drag it out through Christmas you'll both end up having a crappy Christmas, just put your big pants on, phone her and say it's not working you're too different and LDR is difficult

greenspacesoverthere · 06/12/2020 10:42

In mid-Aug we'd had 3 dates and she literally begged me to go official, I relented but I didn't like it.

Actually I missed this. Get rid pronto, manipulators are the worst Shock

RosesandPumpkins · 06/12/2020 10:49

Yep do it. You don’t need permission to leave this relationship. Be clear and kind and then back off and give space.
It sounds like she could try to emotionally manipulate you especially if she’s felt suicidal before. You are not responsible for her mental health or wellbeing, she has family nearby she can rely on for emotional support.

Theworkwitch · 06/12/2020 11:03

I would actually put some of this back on her if she gets shitty. Nothing wrong with saying she pushed you into the relationship in the first place.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 06/12/2020 11:57

Phone her and end it today. It's not working. Dragging it out will be unfair on her and exhausting for you.

Phone her.
Today.
End it.
Move on.

Flowers FlowersFlowers

LuckyNumberThirteen · 06/12/2020 17:53

Did you end it, OP?

Outbutnotproud · 06/12/2020 18:41

Yes I did :( she didnt take it well and I feel horrendous.

OP posts:
CupoTeap · 06/12/2020 18:45

Well done, really pleased to hear you did it. It was never going to be nice, but sooner is always better in the long run.

Make sure you learn from this one. Don't put up with that stuff again.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 06/12/2020 18:46

It's a horrible thing to have to do, but well done for doing it. If it isn't right, there is no point in dragging things out. It would only make it harder in the long run.

Wyntersdiary · 06/12/2020 18:50

at least you didnt string her along like a lot of people would have.

ravenmum · 06/12/2020 18:52

Phew - just read through now and thank goodness you didn't wait until Christmas!

greenspacesoverthere · 06/12/2020 18:58

Please don't feel horrendous. You have NOTHING to feel bad about - nothing at all

Andi2020 · 06/12/2020 19:00

Just text her August in not that long
Plenty off people together alot longer split up kids Involved etc
You can't stay with her because you feel sorry for her a d meeting up again you are giving her hope and getting hurt again if you are intimate when you meet.

StrippedFridge · 06/12/2020 19:04

That she took it so badly proves you did the right thing. Now you do the most good by cutting all contact.

Bunnymumy · 06/12/2020 20:44

Well done op! Be kind to yourself, you did the right thing. Sometimes that is hard to do and makes us feel bad instead of good.

User6655645 · 06/12/2020 21:19

Try not to feel too bad, you really don't owe anyone a relationship and you weren't well suited.

Don't let anyone make you move faster than you feel comfortable again. You did the right thing.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 06/12/2020 21:32

You did the right thing. It hurts, but it was the right thing.

Groovinpeanut · 06/12/2020 21:42

Glad you managed to get it sorted OP... Don't feel horrendous, you've ended things in a considerate way. If things just don't feel right, there's no sense in continuing.
You've ended things properly. Not like some who would ignore/ghost or just string her along.
All the best

Itsallpointless · 06/12/2020 21:54

If she's as lovely as you say OP, she'll not be alone for long. You've done the right thing by her.

GreenlandTheMovie · 06/12/2020 21:59

Different things are important to different people, but this I'm interested in academic subjects and have two degrees-she left school without GCSEs at 15 would definatley be enough for me on its own. But I probably wouldn't have dated someone so different educationally in the first place. Its just not for me.

Its better to end it sooner rather than later, as short term relationships are generally easier to recover from.

Outbutnotproud · 06/12/2020 23:26

Do people really think that was manipulative? She does seem a bit immature (and I am not sure on my use of that for adults to be honest), aren't we permitted to like and be how we want as long as we're responsible for the things we are assigned to?(And she is). I just feel disappointed and although I agree it would have been wrong to string her along, I feel awful about ending it.

I am not sure how I will ever meet anyone else, either. I am late thirties (as is she). I've had a long term abusive relationship and a few dates then this one. I really didn't mean to sound condescending but, to those who've said I am, could you really be happy with someone who didn't know or have any interest in knowing, things that are important to you? I take the point that financials wouldn't matter, if everything else was okay.

OP posts:
Outbutnotproud · 06/12/2020 23:27

And no, to a PP you're right, I am not a guy. :)

OP posts:
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