I need to end it with someone lovely :( How?When?! (waffly)!

[Outbutnotproud]

I've been seeing her since the end of August (ish).

I like to take things slow and obviously covid hasn't helped.

In mid-Aug we'd had 3 dates and she literally begged me to go official, I relented but I didn't like it.

She is so kind, generous and personable. (My most recent ex was an awful person and this is so nice to have)!

She's gorgeous-couldn't be much more my 'type' physically if she tried.

I feel so guilty because she is just so lovely.

The issues are (and this is going to sound SO bad)!

I think we're too far apart intellect and culture wise.

Examples;

I mentioned I was reading something about FGM, she's never heard of it. I mentioned it again a few weeks later and she still claimed to have never heard of it.

'This is a bit melodramatic isn't it!' (while watching TV) didn't know what melodramatic meant.

Didn't know what articulate meant-tells me to stop using 'big words'.

Our financial situations are very different but I won't go into that. I would prefer someone on/close to my level though-is that bad?

She is great at a lot of things I am not and I like being with her. But I don't know-I'm interested in academic subjects and have two degrees-she left school without GCSEs at 15-it shouldn't matter and I am sure doesn't in some cases but in this one, I feel like it does :(

I want to be able to discuss things with her and not have to keep stopping to explain what things mean.

I want someone who's interested in me as a person, she can't be because, a lot about me, she'll never understand?

Her friends are a bit much for me too.

It just doesn't feel right. I don't feel I can fully engage with her as a person because of it.

There are other issues. She is very close to her large family. She lives 2 hours from me and I couldn't ask her to relocate at any point. I don't want to either, but I definitely don't want a long distance thing.

Sex. I've tried guiding her and tried telling her what I like/don't like.

I've listened to hers and I am sure I've pleased her as much as possible. She's hurt me nearly every time :( she just isn't getting it and she really cannot fully excite me, just not enough foreplay and not confident enough.

I am awful, aren't I. I don't want to hurt her, she's lovely.

She is SO happy with me, and I think she thinks all is great and she definitely doesn't see the above issues as a problem. She seems to think that we both like one another and are attracted to one another and that's all that's required.

Am I wrong?

How can I finish with her at Xmas sort of time-should I wait?

She has mentioned she felt suicidal after her last LTR ended too. How is best to do it? Phone? In person? I genuinely feel awful.

Do not go to see her. Come on, it’s an attempt to guilt you back into seeing her - I’m hoping you can see through it.

Tell her no. This time of year, she can easily regift the present or just return it!

I know lots of smart butch women - you don't have to settle.

She sounds a bit of a manipulative cunt actually. Repeatedly hurting you during sex is not an innocent thing. And quite thick. If she were a guy, people would be a lot more concerned about the behaviour and telling you not to sell yourself short. Glad you ended it, as she might have gotten worse. Do consider blocking her though. You are no longer together and she needs to leave you alone.

silver my number is...

No, it is a disappointment to be single again. I won't go and see her but it is hard saying no.

younvegottenminutes That's sounding terrible. I did keep telling her she didn't have to. Especially as I've always had a bit more disposable income than her, and she said her ex got her into a lot of debt.

krapusas sorry X post. Do you think? She really did not seem the type to do it deliberately? Was very apologetic always

That's sounding terrible. I did keep telling her she didn't have to.* Especially as I've always had a bit more disposable income than her, and she said her ex got her into a lot of debt.*

Sounds terrible but all true isn't it?

I'm not sure why you're reluctant to block her when she's so clearly manipulative.

Please do consider it, or you're just enabling her to continue to be manipulative and rely on making people feel they owe her a relationship / support / friendship even if she's being manipulative.

You're doing her no favours.

She will wear you down if you don't block and delete. Be kind to yourself and do so, otherwise you are being complicit in her manipulative efforts.

You've done the right thing. Try to brush yourself down now. She's in your past. Onwards and upwards!

@Outbutnotproud

krapusas sorry X post. Do you think? She really did not seem the type to do it deliberately? Was very apologetic always

Ok, swap places. Imagine YOU as her, being told over and over that you’re physically hurting someone, to the point that sex can’t take place for ages until they have recovered, and your only reaction was NOT to not do it again, it was to be oh so apologetic and then carry on again and again.

You would have stopped doing what was causing issues after the first time. You know this.

I read that lesbian relationships are on a far faster track than heterosexual relationships and that may be for a number of social reasons (smaller pool etc etc as you say) but this means that the likelihood increases of you getting into a relationship where things get more serious before each has had the opportunity to really suss the other and then mistakes are made and situations like this occur.

You are seeing her for what she is, manipulative and controlling.

Send her a message to say that there is no need for presents, but thanks for the thought. You won’t be coming to see her because the relationship is over but you wish her well.

Then you have to block her.

It’s not about being mean, you’re not being mean, you’ve stated your boundaries and she doesn’t have the right to trample all over them.

Totally agree with everything in this comment as a lesbian myself.

Do not allow yourself to get sucked in to this post-breakup manipulation that's coming. As women, we are molded to smooth and de-escalate instead of holding our boundaries. Unfortunately, from personal experience, manipulative women-liking women know this too and exploit it. (As do men I have to add, I have unfortunately had both!)

Take a more factual and business-like tone, and leave more time between responses etc leading to no contact and no response. No visiting, no gifts, no phone conversations. Just say "Sorry, that won't be happening but I wish you all the best".
The last guy I dated and broke it off with actually said "But I can still come and stay with you sometimes, right? You know how much my living situation causes me anxiety"... Sorry, what? Of course not.

It's tough short-term but the quick, clean break is infinitely better all round. And you certainly don't want to fall into the lesbian norm trap of befriending this ex and have her hanging around causing aggro when you meet someone else...

You will meet someone right for you ☺️

Definitely do not go and see her!! And block her if she is persistent.

Back to this thread-silly perhaps but I was feeling too out of sorts to respond because this situation has unnerved and upset me greatly if I am perfectly honest.

Ok, swap places. Imagine YOU as her, being told over and over that you’re physically hurting someone, to the point that sex can’t take place for ages until they have recovered, and your only reaction was NOT to not do it again, it was to be oh so apologetic and then carry on again and again.
I would have been utterly mortified. She likes things I've not really done before but, I like to please and making her happy was paramount-I'd do it all night although I get nothing physically from it, because it made her happy. I think she just made mistakes and didn't do it purposely-although I guess she also didn't 'not' do it on purpose either?

You would have stopped doing what was causing issues after the first time. You know this.

Most definitely, although I guess everyone can become carried away in a moment?

I read that lesbian relationships are on a far faster track than heterosexual relationships and that may be for a number of social reasons (smaller pool etc etc as you say) but this means that the likelihood increases of you getting into a relationship where things get more serious before each has had the opportunity to really suss the other and then mistakes are made and situations like this occur.

YES. And despite being a lesbian it really bothers me. Despite smaller 'pools' and social norms, I don't beleive it to be necessary, and I think it quite dangerous. Our pools aren't that small?

You don't have to be a match academically IMO, but definitely being able to converse and challenge each other is so important in a long term relationship.

This is exactly what I meant, but for some reason struggled to put into words!I like a good chat and a good debate, I need that. I like to talk and muse over things. Never would happen with her.

looked like a Greek god, very kind and sweet but holy fuck it was like pulling teeth trying to talk about anything with him.

This brought a smile to my face, rightly or wrongly!

Onwards and upwards, you'll find someone, you sound lovely.

Thank you-I expected to be brought my head on a plate with this thread to be honest. I like to think I am a nice person and this situation made me feel like I am actually mistaken and am awful!

You know what you're right. Everyone I know with low self esteem hurts people during sex

Despite what some have said about the superiority complex-I do not have great self esteem myself given my past relationships (my last long term girlfriend was, with hindsight, one of the worst people I've not only encountered, but even heard of!) and sex to me is about getting to know what someone likes and doing it (within reason obviously). It was rather awkward-I am really not sure why she was like that.

You would have stopped doing what was causing issues after the first time. You know this.

Most definitely, although I guess everyone can become carried away in a moment?

Hmm... you and I both know that you don’t hurt people more than once... carried away or no carried away.

She didn’t care enough about you to stop hurting you. Her need to do whatever it was - knowing it was hurting you and would put a pause into sex while you recovered- was more important than your discomfort

I know this kind of person. I know everything about this person and I know that neither you nor I would behave as she did.

Please see this for what it is, she’s pretending to be lovely, but she absolutely isn’t at all.

You saying about your previous ex, she was also abusive? You do need to work on why there is this vulnerability that is the flame to these abusing moths

I went to woman’s aid, and did the freedom programme, does anyone know of any programme that would help with lesbian relationships in the same way? There must be something?

Honestly, I don't think there's enough information out there to create a lesbian relationship programme. :/

Well I guess the purpose of this thread is served-but I am now questioning myself on this seeing someone as lovely when they're not.

I suppose our protocols for nice people are things such as loving outwardly, being nice, buying gifts and this is what she has done from day one. Always bought me lovely gifts that suited me perfectly, took time to know what I may like. Very affectionate and protective of me in all ways, very good lsitenier (although didn't talk much back)

The sex ting-sorry if this is TMI-it was only the way she would touch my vagina-she would do it in a way that would catch me painfully and she also did not foreplay for long and to me the foreplay is the main thing-I thought just not compatible

You saying about your previous ex, she was also abusive? You do need to work on why there is this vulnerability that is the flame to these abusing moths

This i what I am looking to do now based on what yuo've said about my seeing someone as nice when they're not.

I have the freedom program-I ordered the online version after me and my ex split. I did not find it helpful I am afraid-although I recommend it to others because I can see how great it could work for people in those types of situations. I don't know if I wasn't ready or something like that, but it just did not help me at all.

Just ring her up and tell her that you need to end the relationship because it just isn't working for you, you don't feel.that you are compatible and have tried but you are unhappy and need to end things so that you can both move on. Keep.it simple and be kind. Do it today.

Hi Op
I get it.
You obviously not on the same page intellectualy etc, like someone being into reading Leo Troskivy war and Peace tome book and your Gf being in to looking at Viz comedy not political correct mag .

Its obviously helps if you have got something,anything in common to start off with..

If your GF was interested/curious to find out,learn more about intellectualy stuff.
It makes it more interesting ...
lots to think about..

There is never an easier way to tell someone that things are not working out relantship best to call it a day.
(Luckily you only known her a short while in this case, so feelings have havent had time to get real strong,
(hopefully she is not a batshit bunney boiler/stalker type,you never know, until you have to do this tho.

Obviously don't send her text message as alternative way of doing this, even though it would be easier..too Callous..

Or tell her in person or on phone along the lines of things are not working out, cause you are as thick as mince or a "outer house" toilet !

Glad you've ended it sooner rather than later. Defo no visits and keep communication to a minimum/phase out/block. In a few days hopefully you'll just feel relief. Chalk it up to experience and set better standards going onwards as it should have been pretty obvious early on that the difference in intellect/interests was always going to be an issue. I recommend writing a list of qualities you want from a partner and keep referring back to it when you meet someone new.