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Original poster

I’m going to cancel Christmas in my house

350 replies

Unsurekitten84 · 05/12/2020 16:58

I think the UK should have made that decision tbh. No mixing of households. Keep the tier system. Just leave it this year.
I’m quite looking forward to not having to put the tree up or wrap the stupid stocking presents. In fact it is possibly one of the few covid upsides. The downside is my MiL will still demand to see us and is looking forward to everything going ‘back to normal’ for five days, during which she will see everyone she’s ever met 🙄. I’ve said I don’t want to go but dh has overruled me as apparently she has to see her grandchildren on Christmas Day.
We won’t be seeing my family though.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 05/12/2020 18:09

@Unsurekitten84

Yes next year I won’t be here.
Do you mean that you plan to leave him? Oh, I really hope so.

I am so sorry you're getting some absolutely horrible responses. It is very clear that this isn't actually about Christmas trees and tinsel. Flowers

Nomorepies · 05/12/2020 18:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

LizzieSiddal · 05/12/2020 18:11

He would be unpleasant and angry.
Oh and drunk. Likely drunk most of Christmas. So I will do all the driving too.

Just get through this Xmas then bloody well leave him. He’s horrible and you deserve a lot better. You can do what the heck you want next year!

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2020 18:11

What do you mean next year you won’t be here op?

PatriciaPerch · 05/12/2020 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feedingthebirds1 · 05/12/2020 18:13

@Unsurekitten84

MiL wants to see the children, not just DH. She ‘doesn’t know how she’d live knowing she wouldn’t see them on Christmas’s day.’
OP I get you. You sound broken. You've reached the end of your rope, and can't see anything good about this Christmas. I don't really think that when it comes to it you'd do nothing for the DCs, but right now there is no reason to celebrate.

Your parents don't want to come for Christmas Eve because they think it's a consolation prize - and it is. Then they know you'll be exposed (via MIL) to a lot of people and they don't want to add to your risk.

You have a DH problem. You know that. I really hope that this turns out to be the straw that breaks the camel's back and that you start making plans to get out. Your DH expects you to facilitate his every behaviour (and his mother's) while allowing you no life of your own. You're not allowed to make decisions, you must always do as he tells you, and he enforces that by getting angry if you should dare to voice another opinion. I suspect you're just a shell of the person you were once, he's knocked the stuffing out of you.

Please don't stay out of fear. There are people and organisations out there to help in situations exactly like this. MNers will help you to find them if you don't have the strength to do it yourself.

tenlittlecygnets · 05/12/2020 18:15

@Unsurekitten84

I’m unable to see my parents because of seeing MiL. It’s meant to be a three household closed bubble. So it would have to be her, us, my parents. But she will see everyone she knows so that can’t be the case. We were meant to have my parents over for lunch but now obviously can’t.
Well, see your parents first then your MIL after, on a different day?

Talk to your dh. Tell him how you're feeling!

But don't run Xmas for your kids.

Sounds like there's a deeper issue here. Does dh listen to your views about anything or does he make you do things you don't want to do?

Talk to him about Xmas. List the jobs there are and divide them between you.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 05/12/2020 18:16

@Unsurekitten84

Yes next year I won’t be here.
What do you mean OP?
RandomMess · 05/12/2020 18:17

I really hope you can leave soon, it doesn't sound like any sort of partnership.

You have a major 'D'H problem but you know that.

Thanks
WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 05/12/2020 18:17

You need to put your kids ahead of your bitterness and martyism........if the marriage is that miserable and toxic then it's your responsibility to get out of it. Your kids are reliant on you. That shit atmosphere in your home will be having an impact on them.

As for Christmas.......go ahead. Cancel. Your household sounds as.miserable as sin anyway, no doubt you'll be confused in a few years when your own DC are busy ignoring you. Probably posting on the stately homes threads that have been going for years. Hmm

My honest advice is to get out of it. Pack your kids up and go and stay with your parents.

TheRubyRedshoes · 05/12/2020 18:17

Op I really need feel for you, your dh sounds really unpleasant as does your Mil.

It's sounds awful for your dp, why should they miss out. What would happen if you said no?.
Yes drunk and unpleasant but violent? What would happen? It sounds like your dh needs to spend it with his dm and you spend it with your parents and dc...
Then in the new year perhaps look at separation.

MaisyMary77 · 05/12/2020 18:18

I don’t understand why you’re not going to put up the tree. Surely that’s more for the children than it is for you anyway? They’re children for such a short time-let them enjoy Christmas for goodness sake!

noirchatsdeux · 05/12/2020 18:18

Mum, is that you?

My mother basically gave up 'doing' Christmas when we started to live abroad when I was 9. Because it meant she could no longer show off to my grandparents, uncles, aunts etc what a wonderful mother she was. It was always all about her. My father thought as she was a SAHM it was up to her, so nothing got done. Between the ages of about 12 to when I left home at 21 I was the only one in the family who tried to 'do' Christmas. Even my feeble efforts didn't inspire any sort of response by my mother.

I'm now 52 and deeply despise Christmas. So the present my mother gave me at 9 has had a lasting (negative) effect.

Littlepaws18 · 05/12/2020 18:19

Your children have had a tough year with Covid and you deny them a Christmas because you can't be bothered?! Your poor children. And you MIL isn't being unreasonable wanting to see her grandchildren at Christmas. I hope when your children are grown your DIL or SIL is more reasonable to you!

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 05/12/2020 18:19

😔😔😔

This is no way to live.

Let his parents come get him for the day.

You take your children to your parents and have a lovely Christmas with them.

If that isn’t possible or you can’t see a way to make it happen, please promise that 2021 will be the year you get yourself out of this situation.

TheRubyRedshoes · 05/12/2020 18:19

Op you could have a royal family style Xmas with a big effort on Xmas eve of course!

It doesn't have to be a consolation prize...

Dullardmullard · 05/12/2020 18:19

It’s time to leave your husband and do so now not next year

If you can’t I’d leave him at his mothers to get pissed and go to your own parents and if you can stay there.

WA phone them as this will just get worse.

TheGreatWave · 05/12/2020 18:20

OP This isn't about Christmas is it?

Honestly, pack the car on the 23rd and go to your parents if that is possible. Get a few days head space and then decide what to do.

Alternatively develop a cough on the 24th. Wink

TheRubyRedshoes · 05/12/2020 18:22

How often does she see the anyways? Say your dp don't know how they would live either.

TinkerPony · 05/12/2020 18:23

Why not kick him out now ask him move to his mother as she more important than his own fanily. Just desserts.

BackforGood · 05/12/2020 18:24

What dh says, goes. It’s not up for debate.

This ^ is what the issue is, and the fact he is drunk and aggressive

Why won't you be hear next year OP ?

It sounds like the whole situation is nothing to do with the question you started the thread with.
If you want people to help or advise you, then they need to know what they are actually really being asked about.

Therarestone · 05/12/2020 18:25

Don't go then. You go to your parents, he can take kids to his mums.

Your choice to go or not if you're that set against it

vomcomvomcom · 05/12/2020 18:25

Why don’t you just sack his parents off and go and see yours on your own?

PhineasRedux · 05/12/2020 18:27

OP, I am a bit worried.

I am not reading your posts at all as someone who's sulking and stropping and wanting to spoil Christmas for her children. I'm reading them as someone who's feeling pretty desperate.

By rights, if it's your parents' "turn" to spend Christmas with you, that's what they should be doing. All the more so, if they have been shielding this year and have been looking forward to seeing you. MIL should sod off and have her turn as normal next year.

I don't believe for a second that you don't care about your children or their Christmas. I do believe, though, that you are feeling pretty desperate.

It's funny that those shouting the loudest about you "spoiling Christmas for your children" also seem to be those with the least empathy for someone who is clearly at the end of their tether.

I'm afraid the problem is your husband. Would you be able to explain to your parents exactly what's going on, and what you have said here? If my daughter told me this, I would be saying that her husband could go and spend the day with his mum, and that you and the children would be spending the day with me, one way or another and then I would quietly kill him

GlowingOrb · 05/12/2020 18:28

So your kids have a drunk jerk for a father? Sorry, but it is your job to make their lives better because he isn’t going to do it. It’s not fair, it’s not because you are a woman, it’s because you are the non-asshole sober parent and you are the only person who can. You have to be the super-hero (and yes, i reiterate, it’s not fair)

So give your children an amazing Christmas at home and get your ducks in a row to get them a home without a drunk living in it for next year.

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